


La Douleur Exquise

by motteme



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BDSM, Cussing, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Light BDSM, M/M, Panic Attacks, Smut, Switching, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:00:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 100,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/pseuds/motteme
Summary: n. the ‘exquisite pain’ that one feels from unrequited love.Seunghyun has been madly in love with Jiyong for so long now, he can't even remember a time when he didn't harbour any feelings for the other man. Their relationship has always been something between friendship and love, as Jiyong would describe it. Especially when they start sleeping together on a more regular basis than socially accepted between platonic friends.Nights of passion, alcohol and too much heartache fill their lives and livers. Will they be able to overcome their fears and embrace their feelings, or will misunderstandings and missing conversation end it all?





	1. Act l: Part l

** Act.l: Part l: “Altschmerz“ **

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_“n. Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leave them soggy and tasteless.“_

* * *

* * *

 

 

Another one of these nights.

Loud music was blasting outside, the bass of giant speakers sending waves of energy through the thick walls. The humid air clinching onto their bodies, making it hard to breath as the night went on. Seunghyun had lost count of how many times he had been dragged along these parties, without him actually wanting to be there, but he gave in every time anyways. Erratic beats and people crying out in ecstasy as they danced and drank the night away was all that went through their heads when on the dancefloor. Black light and neon light flooded the room next to theirs as the music got even more entrancing.

 

“ _Fuck, Hyung_.”

 

His heart was beating so fast in his chest he could feel each pound in his rips, making his knees weak as he tried to get his head to clear up a bit. The alcohol was definitely showing its desired effect.

Seunghyun’s head was spinning and the dizziness was getting worse with each second – the other man’s swollen, red lips which were currently sucking another bruise onto the side of his neck were definitely not helping either. Hot puffs of breath and a skilled, wet tongue were making their way down his throat, biting and licking every inch they could reach. Desire was drumming in his veins and making him blind for everything else besides the lithe body, which was being pressed against his own. They were standing crowded against one of the walls, with Jiyong’s back pressed firmly against the cool wall behind them, and Seunghyun’s broad shoulder and abdomen pushing him even harder against it and one of his legs pressed between the other man’s, causing him to moan out desperately  – an all too familiar scene, which left a bitter taste on his tongue every morning when he woke up, but he’d do it again and again and again, because the taste of these lips on his own were so much sweeter, so much more delicious than anything else he had ever tasted in his life. The older man could feel every curve, every hard angle of his leader, especially the other man’s hard erection, which was radiating with warmth and twitching with each movement of his hips in his tight leather pants.

 

“ _Hyung, please_.”

 

Breathy moans filled the air and made his ears ring, as another wave of molten heat rolled through his body and made him growl out. Immediately, he flipped the younger man over – his beautiful neck and back now facing him, and he instantly attacked it with bites and kisses. As the seconds passed, both of them got more and more impatient for what was about to come. Seungyhun blindly pushed his fingers through the loops of Jiyong’s pants and yanked them downwards, causing the other one to whimper desperately.

“You don’t have to be gentle, I already prepared myself earlier in the bathroom.”

His leaders voice was like venom and honey at the same time, poisoning his senses and making him lose himself even more in his desire. Another growl ripped through him as he reached down to open the buckle of his belt and the fly of his pants and tugged them down just enough to ease out his own throbbing erection. Hissing at the cold that now surrounded his hard member, he pushed forward until the tip of his cock was brushing against the softness of Jiyong’s cheeks – nudging them aside so he could finally push himself into the tight heat. The moment his head dissapeared inside the other man, both of them held their breath, holding back any moans and simply enjoyed the feeling of flesh against flesh and the tight stretch. No matter how often they’d secretely do this behind closed doors, the first moment always stole Seunghyun’s breath away and left him dizzy. His eyes roamed the body in front of him – how could they not? Jiyong’s upper body was only covered in a thin tanktop with a wide collar and barely covered his body, making all his beautiful tattoos visible. The roman numbers at the side of his neck, which spread oh so beautifully across his shoulder, the archangel spreading his wings at the back of his neck – if he pulled the shirt up a bit more he would even be able to perfectly make out his “to_get_her” tattoos. Fuck, this man was a wet dream to come true. 

Seunghyun didn’t hesitate any longer, he gripped the younger man’s hips and started to pound into the tight heat. He could feel the soft flesh of Jiyong’s thighs every time his thrusting motions would cause his balls to slap against them – the sounds they made, wet skin slapping against wet skin, groans, pants, breathy whines and utter filth leaving their mouths, were utterly obscene.

 

It was killing Seunghyun, but he would trade these short moments of happiness and lust for nothing in this world.

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

He woke up the next day, immediately wishing that he hadn’t. His head was pounding so bad and he felt the muscles in his lower back and hips protest and scream at him whenever he dared to move. Seunghyun could also feel the angry burn of scratch marks that covered his back and the almost pulsating pain the lovebites Jiyong had left on his neck and pecs. Last night they had fucked again, but apparently Jiyong had been in an extraordinarily good mood, because just one romp hadn’t been enough for his energetic leader. Once they had finally collected themselves a little bit –  which meant that they both tried to tame their crazy sex hair, straighten out the wrinkles on their clothes and in Jiyong’s case, tried to save his smudged make-up – they went back outside to grab a few more drinks. Seunghyun couldn’t help but smirk when he noticed that Jiyong was walking a bit strange and couldn’t wipe off that oh so stupid, but completely satisfied and bespottet smile. Whenever they did end up fucking, the younger man always felt like he was melting at everything the elder man did to him. He couldn’t help but completely fall into lust and forget everything around him for that evening.

 

But that was where the problem was at.

 

Only for a night.

 

Seunghyun sighed as he remembered how Jiyong had jumped him a second time that night when they had left the club, only to get invited to another one. This time they ended up in one of the bathrooms – Jiyong on his knees, smirking up at him. His eyeliner completely ruined and a glint in his eyes that drove Seunghyun up the wall each time. He was taunting him, darting his tongue out and only leaving small kitten licks at the soft head and kissing the tip, changing his smirking knowing face to an almost innocent one. His eyes looked so much bigger whenever he was in this position and Jiyong knew damn well what effect he had on him, especially when he was playing with himself, looking up at him and whispering an almost shy “Oppa” at him. 

 

The second time, Seungyhun had spanked him with his own belt for being such an unbelievable tease and fucked him hard against one of the mirrors. He was still impressed that they didn’t accidentally break one of them, especially when Jiyong’s eyes rolled back and he threw his head backs against one of them in sheer ecstasy.

 

 

The memories of previous night always haunted him the next morning. They where equally parts of utter joy and lust that he almost got lost in them, but also a painful reminder that – for Jiyong – it was only a way to get off. Seunghyun had never dared to say it out loud, but he had fallen for his friend. Hard. When they first ended up in bed together, they where both too drunk to really know what was going on. It was only at the next morning that they realized what exactly they had done, which lead to Seungyhun to flee the scene. Back then, he had never ever thought about having sex with another men, but for some reason he had ended up in bed with Jiyong.

 

It took six months and another three drunken crazy-sex filled nights for him to realize that these feelings he had harboured for Jiyong weren’t as platonic as he had originally thought. His mother had always said to him that, when it came to human emotions, he had always been a bit slow, but it only dawned him then how slow he actually was.

 

A few days after his almost god like realization he had finally been able to gather all his strength and walked up to Jioyng to actually talk about this with him, but when he finally stepped in front of his room he immediately turned around again. Jiyong had company. Female company, who was currently spread out across his bed grasping the sheets and moaning whenever his skilled tongue would fuck into her.

 

Ever since then Seungyhun had realized that even if they had sex every now and then, for Jiyong, it was only a way to deal with stress or get off, whenever he couldn’t find another tail to fuck that was or even sometimes when he had girlfriends but they weren’t able to visit him, because of their own busy schedule and he got lonely. But sometimes it was also a way for him to get away from everything. Every now and then he needed someone to put him into his place, to make him kneel and simply fuck him so hard that he wasn’t able to say his own name anymore.  
It got especially bad whenever their deadline for a new album got closer and closer. The younger man would be under so much pressure that he would sometimes end up on Seunghyun’s doorstep at 2 a.m. in the morning, wordlessly pushing himself inside his villa and let his belongings drop to the floor only to take Seunghyun’s hands and place them at the tight leather collar around his neck and look up at him with need and desperation in his eyes, silently begging him to take all the decisions and responsibilities off of him and make him his bitch for the night.

 

But he wouldn’t stay the night.

 

He never did.

 

He’d always get up as soon as his legs would be able to carry him again and disappear into the bathroom, only to come out freshly showered and already dressed with a smile on his lips and make his way back to his car and drive back home or to the studio. Seungyhun always had to use all of his hard-learned acting skills not to let any emotion show on his face when he showed Jiyong off. They’d only exchange the simplest words. A short “thank you” followed by a “get home safely” and that was it. Seungyhun always made sure that Jiyong was out of the door and back inside his car, before he let the façade crumble and silent tears would drop down from his eyes.

Seunghyun knew that Jiyong probably didn’t mean anything bad by his behavior, but he couldn’t help but feel used and dirty whenever he’d be alone again afterwards. His skin would all of a sudden feel too tight for his own body and there would be an itch that he just couldn’t reach and it drove him insane.

 

 

Insane, but never away from Jiyong. He knew it was unhealthy, being stuck in a fuck-buddy relationship with the man he was madly in love with, who in return slept with every girl that met his high standards and sometimes even at the same night when Seungyhun had rammed his cock up his tight little hole. It always stung like a bitch, when he had to watch him flirt with someone other than him, touch someone other than him or be touched by someone else but himself, but he couldn’t do anything against it. Whenever he tried to distance himself Jiyong would accept it. They’d clearly be back to being _just friends_ , laughing together, enjoying their time together, drinking together, going to art exhibitions on their birthdays and eat cheap ice-cakes together and then one thing would lead to another and all of a sudden Jiyong would be above him, riding his dick so hard and good that he thought that maybe _this time_ Jiyong would stay.

 

But he never did.

 

 

 

˚

 

 

 

A low groan expected his lips as he tried to get his limps to move, but a thick layer of sleep still tied him down. It took Seunghyun another hour to finally drag himself out of his bedroom and into his bathroom. Without wasting any more time, he stripped down naked and stepped under the shower – the warm, thick spray of water was the best thing right now. He felt the knots in his back and neck finally loosing up and sighed in relief. Another 10 minutes and he finally felt like a human being again.

Seunghyun dried himself off and was about to change into a pair of pjs Youngbae had given to him as a birthday present last year, when he caught his own reflection in on of the bathroom mirrors. Seungyhun stopped and took a closer look – finally seeing all the damage his leader had caused this time. There were several lovebites in all shapes, shades and sizes. If he didn’t know and better he would think that Jiyong was trying to mark his territory, to put a claim on him and ward away all the women who constantly flocked around him as if they were leeches trying to suck the last bit of blood out of him. But he tried to ignore that thought. It would only mean that Jiyong thought of him more as a fuck buddy and childhood friend, which would lead to him hoping for more once again, only to get slapped in the face by reality and get his heart crushed – again. He sighed and finally put some clothes on. He really didn’t want to think about this anymore, to think about Jiyong anymore, but apparently someone up there, or down there – you never know which way you will end up going to – seemed to hate him. As soon as he stepped out of the bathroom his phone went off. The caller ID was flashing brightly, almost tauntingly showing Jiyong’s name.

 

 “Hello?”

 

“ _Pyong! You finally picked up – thank god. I know that you are not busy for the next two weeks – I checked your schedule with your manager so don’t try to talk your way out of this one – and wanted to know if you want to join me for fashion week in Paris? I know you normally don’t want to do anything in your time off, but there are so many extraordinary exhibitions in Paris right now and you just have to see them and-“_

 

Seunghyun had already stopped listening to what his leader was saying and tried to weight out the pros and cons of actually going with him. An obvious pro would be being able to actually spend time with him away from Korea, away from knetz and annoying paparazzi and walk down the street without tons of people looking at him as if he was an alien. Then there was being alone with Jiyong. Another pro would be, damn Jiyong for knowing him that well, the exhibitions. A few days ago Matt had gushed to him about the new talents he had discovered and that he and his husband would actually go to Paris next week to see some of them again, but this time together. That, was another pro. Oh, and did he mention Jiyong? Anyways. Over the time he and Matt had formed a close friendship, which Seunghyun treasured. It felt good to have friends who were not only outside of the show business, but who were into things he enjoyed as much as music as well.

 

 

“ _Hyung, do you even listen to me?”_

Jiyong’s slightly annoyed voice brought him back to reality. He already knew that he would say yes no matter how much he also wanted to enjoy his time at home and simply soak up every second of being alone and doing nothing. The pros we’re outweighing the cons by far and he sighed in defeat.

 

 

“Yes, sorry. I just woke up and you know I am always a bit sensitive after waking up, Ji. I was just thinking about which clothes I should bring for next week. Anything you could recommend me Mr.Fashionista?”

 

 

Seunghyun could feel the slightly tensed mood improve within the span of a second, as soon as he had told the younger he would come, he could hear the other grin through the phone. Immediately, Jiyong started to list a ton of shirts and slacks he absolutely _needed_ to bring with him, because they were totally in this season – and partly because they hugged Seunghyun’s ass in all the right places. He couldn’t help but feel the flutter in his stomach flare up and the pleasant feeling that shot through his chest when he heard that comment.

The following 30 minutes were spend in his closest, with Jiyong still on the phone, directing him through his own closet and telling him what to pack. This wasn’t the first time this happened. When he first moved into his own place, Jiyong had insisted on helping Seunghyun sort and organize his walk in closet. Back then he had been frightened and delighted to equal parts, because he knew how Jiyong could get when fashion was involved. He sometimes wondered if he was the same when it came to art. Probably. Maybe not as bad, but close.

 

Once everything was settled for their trip to Paris, the line got quiet. It was normally now the time to bid their goodbyes and hang up, but for some reason Jiyong didn’t seem to want to end their conversation. An unusual nervousness was radiating from the younger one and if Jiyong would stand in front of him right now, Seunghyun was sure he would not be able to stand still at all.

 

 

“Hyungie, about last night .. I know we have never really discussed our little friends with benefit kind of thing that has been going on for ages now, but I wanted to ask you something.”

 

 

Seunghyun felt his mouth go dry all of a sudden and his throat closed up, making it hard to breath and concentrate on anything besides the rapid beating of his heart in his chest.

He tried to play it cool and to silence the voice screaming in his head.

The older man cleared his throat.

 

 

“Sure, what is it? You know you can ask me anything you want.”

 

 

“Well, actually I kinda hoped that we could-“

 

 

“Seunghyuuuuunie!”, sadly their conversation got cut short as the bedroom door got thrust open with such a force it nearly hit the wall behind. “How is my favorite man child doing!”

As much as Seunghyun loved and appreciated his longtime friend Kyungil, right now, he could kill him.

 

“Could you stop screaming for a second, please? I am on the phone with Jiyong and-“

 

Kyungil immediately stopped in his tracks and grinned at his friend. “Oh, I am so sorry, didn’t know you were talking to your _princess_ , I’ll be in the kitchen eating all your ice cream together with Jaechun and touch _all_ your artworks.”

“Wait, Kyungil no!”, but it was already too late. The other man ran out of the door with a maniac laughter leaving his mouth, almost like a naughty schoolboy who has been caught misbehaving.

 

 

“I see, you have company. Sorry for bothering you. I’ll let you know about the flight and everything later..bye, Hyung.”

 

 

“No, Jiyong, wait-!”

 

 

But the line was already dead. Damnit. Seunghyun once again sighed in defeat and let himself fall back on his soft bed and closed his eyes. He could already feel the headache starting at the back of his head and neck. All he wanted was quiet peace, sleep, and maybe jerk off to the memories of last night, but apparently he wouldn’t be granted the privacy to do so. He was about to let his two friends do whatever they wanted to do in his house – he sometimes regretted giving Jaechun a spare key – when suddenly a loud crash occurred from the kitchen.

 

“Kyungil!”

 

 

 

˚

 

 

 

A few days later, meaning a day before their departure to Paris, Seunghyun got dragged along by Jiyong, Soojoo, Chaerin and a handful of the other members from the “+82” squad to yet another club that was way too dark and filled with too much smoke and most likely some not so legal substances. The heat was almost oppressing, especially since they were all pressed close together next to each other in the vip louge on one of the expensive leather couches. Jiyong was, like most of the time, pressed close to Seunghyun. Their shoulders and thighs were pressed together and the heat radiating off of the younger one, who was already slightly tipsy from the whiskey he had downed earlier together with Chaerin, was almost too much. But he didn’t back down. The music from the dance floor was muffled, but you could still hear it clearly –

Right now, one of Chaerin’s songs blasted in full volume through the overheated club and made the gang howl out in excitement as she started to move her hips and body to the beat and gave the best, drunk, performance of “Hello Bitches” she should give right now. Everyone was in a good mood, especially Jiyong. Seunghyun knew that he and Chaerin were close, like real siblings, and he would never not appreciate a drunk evening with her, but it still hit him the wrong way when Jiyong let out a wolf whistle directed at her. Without batting an eyelash he got up from his seat, almost missing the warmth next to him, and made his way over to the bar to get another drink.  He knew it was childish to get upset over something so trivial, Jiyong and Chaerin were like _siblings_ , there was no chance in hell Jiyong would ever sleep with her and vice versa. He knew that, because both of them had had the opportunities in the past, but never did anything. The only thing that ever happened between was drunk cuddling, which was a quiet normal thing with all of their friends, and the cliché “I love you so much your are so important to me I never want to lose you”-speeches when both of them had way too much to drink.

Still. Seunghyun never really enjoyed sharing of any kind when it came to his romantic life, so why should it be any different with Jiyong, especially since the younger one wasn’t his to begin with?

 

 

It didn’t take long until the first women approached him. Her statue was rather small and slim, but she carried herself with pride, which was probably because she was a bit older than Seunghyun himself. She had dark, brown locks, which fell gracefully around her shoulders, and framed her small face. The women was wearing a bordeaux velvet dress, which hugged her fit figure in all the right places. Truly, a beautiful women.

 

“Don’t you want to invite me for a drink, handsome?”

 

A faint smirk played at Seunghyun’s lips. It wasn’t that he was interested in the women, but a little bit of a distraction wouldn’t do any harm. Besides, paying one drink didn’t mean that he would sleep with her.

 

“Depends. Do I know you?”

 

Seunghyun lifted one of his brows and let his face play it’s charms, his voice was already rougher than usually thanks to the nicotine consume this evening. He knew he had her when her eyes sparkled with that _gleam_ that always shined through, when women wanted nothing but get on their knees in front of him.

 

“No. First time seeing a stranger.”

 

 

˚

 

 

To Seunghyun’s surprise the women, her name was Park Hye, wasn’t like the young girls that normally tried to seduce him with too tight dresses and too much make up. She was actually really smart, fitting the meaning of her name, an _intelligent woman_. They ended up talking about many different topics and as the time went by the drinks got more and more, but that didn’t mean Seunghyun was not paying attention to his surroundings. Even though he seemed to be in a deep conversation with Hye in front of him, out of the corner of his eye, he was always aware of Jiyong. The way he danced with Soojoo and Chaerin, or drank another shot straight out of the whiskey bottle. He noticed whenever Jiyong would look his way and his eyes would stay glued to his face for a couple of seconds, before turning away again, smoking another cigarette and downing even more alcohol and pressed himself closer to his friends.

Normally Seunghyun never really talked to women longer than absolutely necessary when they were out partying, but this time he really needed to get a bit away from everything. It wasn’t until now, that he realized that Jiyong was glaring at the women he was with.

 

Huh, that was new.

 

Seunghyun knew it wasn’t fair to Hye, who most likely was getting her hopes up to get down to something dirty with an A level celebrity, but he desperately needed to see if he could coax a reaction out of the younger one. His eyes darted to Jiyong for the split of a second and their eyes met, neither of them dared to break the eye contact, and Seunghyun tilted his head closer to the women and invaded her personal space only to whisper a terrible joke about the interior design of this club and the color of the bartender’s tie into her ear, which made her laugh louder than probably suited for this situation.

Seunghyun saw something flare in Jiyong’s eyes. He couldn’t quiet tell what it was, but it was something dark and primeval. The atmosphere in the club changed drastically.

One second the room was way too bright with the lights flashing from the dance floor and filled with too many people. Different voices were chattering, quiet and deep, or loud, high ones, making it almost unbearable. Especially when they got mixed together with the obnoxious music from the dance floor.

The next second, everything seemed to become quiet, and the room dimmed even further. The only thing Seunghyun was aware of was Jiyong and the heat in his eyes. It wasn’t the first time he suffered from selective tunnel vision when he was in the same room as the younger rapper, but it never had been this intense before. A shiver ran down his spine as the younger one wouldn’t stop looking at him and all of a sudden –

Jiyong looked down at his feet and his posture changed from the previous one, with his shoulders drawn back tight, making him appear more confident and ready to attack, to small and vulnerable – his shoulders dropping and his head tilted downwards – and darted out of the room so fast Seunghyun wasn’t able to see where he went.

 

Without spending another thought on it, he muttered a small “sorry” and went after him, leaving Hye behind.

 

“Soohyuk, do you know where Jiyong went? He was here a second ago, but disappeared.”

 

“Oh, see who is finally back with us, Romeo himself. Did you seriously leave that hot Noona back there? She was totally undressing you with her eyes, just so you know.”, a lazy smirk stretched along his mouth as he pretended to look out for the women Seunghyun had talked to a few seconds ago. He simply rolled his eyes in annoyance and glared daggers at the other man. He really wasn’t in the mood for Soohyuk’s bullshit right now, he needed to see Jiyong.

“Alright, alright. I think he said something about needing to get some fresh air, and we all know what that means.” Soohyuk lowered his voice at the end of the sentence and wiggled his eyebrows playfully at Seunghyun as he pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek in a repeating and crude manner, only to break out laughing as Seunghyun continued to glare at him.

“Oh, come on. Don’t get pissed off at me, Seunghyun. It was not my fault you neglected him, because you were buisy getting checked out that Jiyong decided to get his dick wet. He is a man after all and seeing you with others always pissed him off. You know the dragon doesn’t like to share its property.”

“Okay, first of all, fuck you. I was simply talking to her, not trying to get her into bed or something. Not this time – and since when does Jiyong care about stuff like that? He is the one who always is out there looking for a tail to fuck. Why the hell would he suddenly care if I do the same thing? And last but not least, I am not his property. We are friends and that’s it. I don’t get why you are saying all this but it’s pissing me off!”

 

Seunghyun knew he was being unfair, Soohyuk simply never knew when to stop joking and, just like little Seunghyun, always took his jokes a little bit too far. Then again this whole situation was unfair. He knew he wasn’t a saint, either. He had urges, too and even though he and Jiyong slept together quiet often again, the uncertainty of this whole _thing_ sometimes drove Seunghyun away from Jiyong. It wasn’t like he could simply call Jiyong and ask him to come over so he could fuck him senseless. It didn’t work like that. Whenever they did end up in bed together a lot of alcohol, weed, stress and pressure which needed to be released, were involved. It was frustrating as hell, but it was the only way for Seunghyun to get a taste of Garden Eden and it’s delicious fruits.

 

Things got bad when they wouldn’t meet up to release the tension between them, though. Jiyong had this way of teasing Seunghyun relentlessly – especially when they were actually in one of their “strictly friends” zone and it often drove the older man batshit. During those times he would end up picking up random women, random strangers – people he’d never see again after a night between the sheets were over, just to release some of the tension. Most of the time Kyungil accompanied him and played wingman, even though that was most of the time completely unnecessary it was still fun to watch him make himself a fool in front of women, who would have probably denied him ages ago, if he wasn’t so handsome.

In the end, he always regretted it the next morning. He felt like he had committed a crime, felt like he had used these women only to ignore his own feelings and get off. Seunghyun hated it, hated every time it happened, but it didn’t stop him.

 

He knew it wasn’t healthy, but god, he didn’t care anymore.

 

 

Seunghyun stormed down the stairs and went straight to the emergency exit. His nerves were on the edge and he desperately needed fresh air and a cigarette. And maybe to punch a wall or something, because he could feel his emotions going wild inside his head and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry. The idea of Jiyong being with someone right now made him so upset that his stomach clenched painfully. Why was this happening all the damn time?

 

He pushed the heavy door open and sighed in relieve as it fell shut behind him. Seunghyun was immediately greeted by fresh air and only now did he realize how hard it had been to breath inside the club and how much his anxiety had started to surface. The cool, winter air curled through his nostrils and he inhaled deeply, holding his breath for a few seconds to calm himself down a bit, and exhaled, drawing it out as much as possible. He had tried various techniques over the years, to prevent a panic attack from happening, and even though he has become really good at it, drinking a lot of alcohol and being in a closed off room, triggered them so easily they sometimes hit him full force in a matter of seconds.

He walked a few steps down the dark alley, while fishing out his cigarettes and lighter. At the first inhale of nicotine, he stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes, enjoying the burning feeling inside his lungs as the smoke made its way down his throat. He didn’t feel like looking for Jiyong anymore. He didn’t even feel like going back inside the club anymore.

This was another side effect of a panic disorder no one told you about. Sometimes, when you recognize the signs of a panic attack and you are, for some reason, able to prevent them from pulling you under the “aftershocks”, as Seunghyun liked to call them, would still hit you. After an attack he would feel how the energy would leave his body and how his mood would drop rapidly. During a panic attack, you are not really able to describe your mood, at least in his case. He would only feel utter fear and wouldn’t even be able to form one straight thought.

Seunghyun’s hands felt tingly and his vision got blurry, but he tried to shake it off as best as he could and decided to call his manager to pick him up. He had had enough. He just wanted to go home and sleep until he had to get up around midday the next day in order to catch his flight with Jiyong to Paris.

 

It didn’t take long until he was being picked up. He had just finished his second cigarette as he saw an all to familiar car drive up to him, and he quickly threw the butt of the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. As soon as he let himself fall into the car, he closed his eyes. Seunghyun was totally exhausted and didn’t even really pay attention to anything as he rested his head against the cool window of the car. Not even the bright streetlights were much of a hazel and he ended up falling asleep even before they reached his house.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	2. Act.l: Part ll

** Act.l: Part ll: “Anchorage” **

 

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_n.The desire to hold onto time as it passes._

 

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When Seunghyun woke up the next morning, he felt a lot better than the past night. A healthy amount of sleep and a hot, steaming cup of coffee after he woke up, had lifted his spirits and he started to look forward to his trip to Paris, even though he still felt a bit out of it, because Jiyong had disappeared just like that, but that was sadly not out of the ordinary.

He had already planned a few things for their stay in Paris. Normally, Jiyong would be the one who directed what they were doing, but this time, he had let him decide. At least for the first two days. Better than nothing, he thought to himself as he grabbed his luggage for the week and headed off to the airport.

His mood drastically dropped when he spotted Jiyong, though. The younger man was sitting with his arms and legs crossed near the terminal and was wearing thick sunglasses that covered most of his beautiful eyes. His shoulders were drawn back tight and his right index finger tapped against his biceps in an annoyed manner. Jiyong was pissed. Seunghyun didn’t even need to come near him to see this. Besides, his whole aura practically screamed “get near me and I will eat you alive you scumbag”. Oh, this was going to be a long flight.

 

 

“Good morning, Jiyong.”, he didn’t expect anything, which is why he wasn’t disappointed when he was greeted with silence. Not in the mood to cheer a pissed off dragon up right now, he sighed and let his bag drop to the ground next to him and sat down beside his leader. The atmosphere was frosty and heated at the same time. It was as if all the air around them had been sucked out of the room and made it hard to breath, but Seunghyun tried to ignore it.

 

 

After ten minutes of silence, they were finally allowed to board their plane. First class, and away from the majority of the people mind you, which Seunghyun was really grateful for at this moment. He knew that whatever was bothering Jiyong right now, would nag at him during the 10 plus hour flight and he would most likely explode after the first hour and Seunghyun really didn’t feel like having a crowd of people watching them as Jiyong was in one of his moods.

When they were finally inside the plain, Jiyong plugged in his headphones as soon as he sat down and stared out fo the window, turning his body away from Seunghyun next to him and pressed his body against the soft pillow he had pushed up against the wall. This really wasn’t going to be easy.

For the next 45 minutes Seunghyun was once again greeted with silence and it was slowly starting to really bother him. Normally, Jiyong would at least let him know why he was pissed, and maybe bitch to him about someone one who had wronged him or whatever had caused his mood. The only times when he acted like this was when – shit.

When he had done something to upset the younger one.

 

A cold sweat broke out on Seunghyun’s skin. Did he really piss him off that much last night when he had talked to that women instead of him? That didn’t make any sense at all. Jiyong had no qualms with talking to women, flirting with them and sometimes even getting his dick sucked when Seunghyun was in the same room for fucks sake, why would he be so upset over Seunghyun simply talking to someone? The again, the way Jiyong sometimes justified his actions where beyond him.

He might be madly in love with Jiyong and worship the ground he walked on, but he wasn’t going to be seen as a property either. If Jiyong wanted him, then he should really change his ways and not simply use him for sex whenever the mood strikes him. Not that he was complaining about the sex part, not at all, he just didn’t like the finer details between them.

 

All of a sudden, Jiyong ripped his headphones from his ears and took off his glasses and turned to Seunghyun. Now, the older one could finally see his face and gulped. His features were twisted into an angry scowl – his eyebrows were drawn together and even his nose slightly scrunched up and his lips were drawn in a tight line.

 

“So, are you not going to talk to me at all, or what the hell is your problem?”

 

Seunghyun was so baffled that he didn’t even know how to reply.

 

“Way to go, Choi. Even more silence. How wonderful. You know what, I am already regretting asking you to accompany me to Paris. I don’t need your terrible mood ruining my trip to the fashion week!!”, the younger one snapped.

“Wait, hold on, why are you pissed at me right now?”, Seunghyun interrupted him. “You were the one who didn’t even look at me when I sat down next to you earlier and who has been acting like a plain bitch ever since last night. You just disappeared last night without saying a word and-“

“Oh, I am so terribly sorry for not staying around and watching you making out with some random bitch you found at the club!”, his voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, first of all, stop being rude – she was a nice lady”, Jiyong laughed shortly in an annoyed manner next to him and looked like he was ready to punch him, “and for your information, last night was hell for me. You disappeared just like that and when I looked for you and I couldn’t find you everything got a little bit too much and I was so close to having a panic attack so I immediately called my manager, who picked me up and drove me home! So, no, I did not make out with anyone, not that it’s any of your business.”

 

Seunghyun expected another outburst from the shorter man and prepared himself for him causing a scene on the plain, but it never came. Instead, Jiyong’s features softened, especially the nasty scowl, melted away and he bit his lip. His tensed shoulders relaxed and he leaned back against his seat.

“Did you take your tranquilizer with you?”, his voice was nothing but a calm, soft whisper. Jiyong’s eyes now roamed all over his face, his stature, taking in all the details he might have missed before – he even scooted a bit closer to the older man.

 

“Oh, now you care about how I feel? How wonderful. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Seunghyun was still pissed as hell at his childhood friend. It had always been like that. Whenever Jiyong was mad, he didn’t care about the feelings of anyone else, a typical lion. Most of the time, he was the most gentle and sweetest guy, who also had his cocky and weird sides as well, who would never hurt anyone, but all these positive attributes seemed to drop as soon as someone or something set him off. It was almost as if he was a different person. Whenever he felt miserable, he made sure everyone else felt his pain as well, which usually ended in a screaming match between him and whoever dared to talk to him. Just that the other person couldn’t say much, whenever their leader was in one of his moods. Over the years, these moments sadly seemed to become more and more frequent, and Seunghyun sometimes really didn’t know how he should handle Jiyong anymore. To him, he most of the time was still the sweet guy he always had been ever since middle school, but to some of his other friends or even colleagues, he acted in a complete different manner. Seunghyun didn’t want to think about it that hard, but sometimes he felt as if _some_ of his international friends, like that one asshole from Canada, had triggered this behaviour.

So, no. This time, he wouldn’t back down that easily.

He saw how Jiyong was about to open his mouth and say something, but he really didn’t want to continue their conversation. Jiyong had been a stubborn ass all morning, and if he thought he’d get away with this that easily, he was mistaken. Seunghyun turned away from him, plugged in his headphones and closed his eyes. Whatever they still had to talk about, could wait. They would spend the next week together anyways, so they would end up talking to each other one way or another again soon, anyways.

 

Seunghyun must have fallen asleep for a while, because when he jerked awake again some time later he felts disoriented and a bit out of place. He could still hear music blast from his headphones and decided to finally put them aside, when he spotted what woke him up. Jiyong had tried place a small piece of paper into his hands, only to fail, because it would continue to slip from his palm and fingers onto the ground. He looked over to Jiyong who was looking at him with red cheeks and immediately turned away – thrusting the piece of paper into his hands one final time.

The older man put his headphones aside and carefully opened the small gift he had received and couldn’t help but break into a big smile. It was as if they were back in high school, passing letters to and fro. Back then, Seunghyun hadn’t been in a good place mentally and often had his mood swings during the middle of the day. Whenever those haunted him and he wouldn’t talk to anyone, Jiyong would doodle small things on a piece of paper and write down small stories – sometimes even a few lines he came up with for a song – to cheer him up a bit. They actually made him feel better the majority of the time and never ceased to make him smile. Even ten years later.

 

This time, he had drawn a cute, cartoon turtle with big eyes and thick eyebrows who was scowling and next to it a small dragon with frightened eyes, framed by eyeshadow, that seemed to look up to the turtle. Next to it was “Like almond and chocolate” written and Seunghyun couldn’t help but smile again, when he read the all to familiar phrase. He finally looked up and saw Jiyong playing nervously with the hem of his shirt.

“I’m sorry for behaving like that earlier. I was just really pissed since last night and when I saw you approach me all that anger came up again.”, his cheeks now had a cute rosy colour to them, “-and I didn’t really mean it when I said that to you, earlier.”

Seunghyun felt the walls he had built up inside of him crumble once again. This was defiantly not going to work for a long time and he decided to simply give up. Jiyong apologized and seemed to be really guilty about his unsensitive behaviour earlier.

He let his hand drop to the top of the youngers head and ruffled his hair until they were a complete mess.

“Hyung, nooo!”, the younger one squealed as he tried to push the hand away, which only caused Seunghyun to mess up his hair even more. Laughter finally filled the cabin and the tensed atmosphere melted away.

 

Seems like Paris was going to be successful after all.

 

 

 

°

 

 

When they finally arrived at their hotel, yet-leg hit them hard. They had taken off around two in the afternoon and arrived around four in the afternoon. Damn those time zones they always made his head ache.

They were just on their way to the elevators, when Jiyong handed him his key card.

“Oh, by the way, we will be sharing a suite. I thought that way we could spend some more time together, because I still have a few photo shootings I need to attend and some of the shows.”

Seunghyun side-eyed him.

“Besides, even though you never would want to admit it, I know that you hate to sleep alone when your anxiety is acting up. You almost had a panic attack last night and I really don’t want you to suffer any more than necessary.”

For a short moment, he was really touched by Jiyong’s behaviour. He almost forgot how sweet he always was to him whenever it was just the two of them – but a faint grin tugged at the side of his lips and Seunghyun knew that his intentions weren’t fully innocent.

“Oh, how sweet of you.”, he said, voice thick with sarcasm, “-and of course there isn’t anything else you want than to watch out for my own health – is there?”

“Of course not, Seunghyun! What do you think of me?”

Jiyong playfully placed his hand on his own chest and pretended to be overly shocked by the undertone and the anything but innocent reason behind his behaviour which was hinted by it. His eyes were bright and his blinding smile even reached his eyes.

Seunghyun pushed him playfully inside the elevator as it arrived and pressed the button so they could reach their floor.

 

 

“God, I am so beat. I can’t wait to finally fall asleep.”, Jiyong whined as he let himself fall onto the fluffy comforter of their bed. Seunghyun simply chuckled as he stored away their luggage and toed off his shoes and made himself comfortable next to the younger one.

“Well, we still have to meet up with Matt, Donnie, SooJoo and Jack for dinner and drinks.”

“What?! You can’t be serious! I am so dead tired and just want to sleep. Please don’t make me go out tonight, I beg you.” Jiyong immediately scooted closer to Seungyhun, his lower lip jutting out as he used his best puppy face to convince Seunghyun to stay at their hotel. His hands had found their way to his collar, tugging him closer until they were only a few centimetres apart. It was both, adorable and hilarious, to see Jiyong whining like that. Normally, Seunghyun was the hermit who always wanted to stay at home and not do anything – seeing things the other way around was certainly refreshing.

“No whining. Besides, I promised Matt and Donnie that we would meet up with them. They both want to finally meet you, too, you know? Plus, we can sleep in tomorrow. All that I have planned for us is to visit one or two art galleries Matt and Donnie have recommended to me and maybe do some sightseeing if we are still up to it. One evening out with friends won’t be that bad.”

Jiyong still seemed uncertain, his fingers were playing with the buttons of Seunghyun’s shirt.

  
“Hyung...”

 

“Yes?”

 

The younger man bit his lip and his eyes were holding a certain emotion he couldn’t place. Was it uncertainty?  Right now, he looked like the small, snot nosed kid he had known for so long and not like an international superstar and fashionista, who could make thousands of people scream by simply looking at them.

 

“Don’t laugh, but .. what if they don’t like me?”

 

This took Seunghyun by surprise. Was he really worried about that? An laugh escaped his lips, close mouthed and through his nose. He slightly shook his head and looked at Jiyong.

 

“You really worry about that? Jiyong, people always like you. Besides, with all the stories where you had to save my sorry ass or help me, they absolutely have to like you. I am pretty sure they will end up liking you more, than they like me. SooJoo and Jack will be there as well, so you really shouldn’t stress yourself like that.”

A bright smile spread over the younger’s face and he pulled Seunghyun even closer, his face now buried in his collarbone and his arms slung tightly around his waist.

 

“Thank you, Hyung.”

 

“You’re welcome, Ji.”

 

“We can still take a short nap, right?”

 

 

 

 

Their “short nap” turned into a full blown two-and-a-half-hour coma, which only ended because Matt called Seunghyun and his ringtone woke both of them up. They immediately jumped off of the bed and threw on some clean clothes – which took longer than necessary, because Jiyong wanted to make sure his outfit was on point, because _first impressions matter, Seunghyun!_

The pair arrived at their designated restaurant only 35 minutes too late. SooJoo and Donnie had already broken out the wine, while Jack and Matt where talking about how photography and art had a huge influence on modern fashion. Seunghyun could feel Jiyong already loosening up, as they approached them.

“Seunghyun! Jiyong! You guys finally made it!”, Jack exclaimed as he saw them. Four pairs of eyes darted to them and SooJoo couldn’t help but crack a sly remark.

“By the state of Jiyong’s dishevelled hair it seems you guys already made a good use of your hotel room.”, the four laughed together and Seunghyun felt a light blush creep up on his face.

“You guys are idiots, we took a nap and that’s it.”

“True, Jiyong is still walking, so I guess the fun is happening after dinner. You better eat lightly, Jiyong.”, Matt joked as he winked in the younger man’s direction.

“God, Matt. They just came in, let him breath for a moment, before you start with your terrible humour! Come on, take a seat and drink some wine. You will need it in order to survive his sarcasm.” Donnie glared a bit at his husband, but smiled warmly at the both men, who finally sat down at their table.

“Alright, I guess you are right. Breathing is important, especially when you just came in-“

“Matt, I swear to god if you finish that sentence-“

“-and there wasn’t enough lube, it could be a tight stretch!”

 

And that was it. The whole table erupted in laughter, even Seunghyun couldn’t hold back his amusement as he saw the moment unfold before him. Jack nearly chocked on his wine, because he was laughing so hard and SooJoo had to wipe away the tears caused by laughing too hard.

His eyes finally landed on Jiyong – who wasn’t laughing but staring at his wine glass, which had been placed before him and filled a second ago. He was nervously twirling the glass with his fingers and took a small sip as his eyes darted back of forth between all of them.

He was uncomfortable, damn.

 

“Jiyong, I am terribly sorry for my husband’s behaviour. As much as I love him, he sometimes can be a real idiot and I hope you don’t think that he means anything bad by it.”

Bless Donnie and his heart of gold.

“I really love your necklace by the way, where did you get it?”

A true angel.

Seunghyun felt Jiyong perk up beside him, and he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“It’s okay, really. I was just a bit nervous, because of today – and thank you. I actually got it as a present from Seunghyun last year. It’s really pretty isn’t it?”

Jiyong leaned forward and showed off his necklace, a huge smile on his face and Seunghyun felt himself blush as the rest of the table made cooing noises.

“Aw, isn’t that sweet! Jack, when will I ever get a cute necklace like that! Seunghyun is such a better boyfriend as you are sometimes I-“, SooJoo continued her rant, but he wasn’t listening anymore.

SooJoo had called Seunghyun Jiyong’s boyfriend. While it was more or less an open secret that the both of them slept with each other every now and then, actually being called boyfriends made him uncomfortable for so many reasons. One of the main reasons was probably that, after all, they weren’t dating at all and it was a grim reminder whenever someone would tease him like that, because it only showed him how much he actually wanted it to be true.

Jiyong didn’t seem to be baffled by the comment, but laughed at Jack and SooJoo instead and Seunghyun let out a breath he was holding. He quickly took another sip from his glass to calm his nerves. To his surprise he felt Jiyong place his left hand at the top of his thigh under the table and drew soothing circles over his skin.

“ _You okay_?”, the younger whispered in Korean.

 “ _Y-yeah, sure. Just still a bit tired from the flight. You know I am always a bit out of place after taking a long nap_.”

Seunghyun tried his best to cover up his nerves with a warm smile, and it seemed to work, because Jiyong leaned back in his seat and joined the conversation with their friends again.

His hand didn’t leave his thigh during the whole evening. Only when he needed it in order to hold the cutlery he withdrew his hand, but placed it on his thigh again when the dessert arrived and he only needed his right hand to hold the fork.

To say that his nerves were on edge and his heart was beating hard the whole time was the underestimation of the century.

 

 

The rest of the evening together was spent with even more wine and laughter and Seunghyun could finally admit that he felt truly happy at that moment.

 

 

 

“I really enjoyed this evening with all of you! If you are ever in the same city as us again, we absolutely need to meet up again. I have to say I wasn’t that sure about the idea of a triple date, but now I am already looking forward to next time.”

 

Wait, _triple date?_

 

Seunghyun just came back from his quick trip to the bathroom, after they all had paid and got ready to leave. Jiyong had excused himself before they paid to leave for the bathroom so Seunghyun had happily paid for his dinner as well. He emerged next to Jiyong who was currently talking to Donnie and Matt – SooJoo and Jack had already left, because they had an early photo shooting the next day and SooJoo had insisted on getting her beauty sleep. He sensed Jiyong tensing up next to him as he realized he was already back from the bathroom.

 

“Hyung, you’re back!”, he said happily and smiled at him warmly. The fuzzy feeling inside his stomach hadn’t gone away the whole evening and he couldn’t stop himself from returning the bright smile. Matt and Donnie both looked at him with a smirk and Seunghyun could only look at them in confusion. What was going on?

Without missing a beat Jiyong hugged both of the men in front of him goodbye, and Seunghyun did the same. For some reason Jiyong couldn’t stop smiling as they left the restaurant and even skipped a few steps as he was walking next to him, humming a happy melody with his arms behind his back.

“Okay, what’s gotten into you? Why are you so happy? Did Matt tell you a dirty secret of mine, or what?”, the older joked as he watched the other man grinning like a little kid on Christmas.

“As if there is a secret of yours I am not familiar with, Hyung.”

 _If you’d only know the truth_ , Seunghyun thought bitterly.

“Besides, can’t I just be happy with spending time with my favourite Hyung?”, Jiyong linked his arm with Seunghyun’s and looked up at him with bright eyes, before he cackled and pulled him further down the road.

The streets of Paris were never empty, and today wasn’t an exception. Couples were walking close to each other in order to keep warm from the biting cold that surrounded them, elderly people were walking down the street to get home safely, even the stray cats Jiyong always ran after were hurriedly making their way back to wherever they spend the night.

Jiyong’s cold fingers slipped inside the pocket of Seunghyun’s coat, seeking warmth as he played with the other’s hand. The faint tune still being hummed by him.

 

It was a quiet evening and Seunghyun couldn’t enjoy it any more as he already was. It has been such a long time since he and Jiyong had a moment like this – just the two of them and no stressful schedule sitting at the back of their necks. Another wave of warmth spread through his body as he faintly let his own fingers caress the skin of Jiyong’s hand – a chuckle escaping from the other’s lips as they held onto each other.

They continued their little touching game a few blocks down until, all of a sudden, Jiyong grabbed Seunghyun by the collar of his coat and dragged him into an empty alley. Before he could ask what was going on, Jiyong had pushed himself against the cold wall – his back against it – and pulled Seunghyun even closer. He could feel the other’s soft puffs of air being exhaled against his skin and he didn’t know how to breath for a second, when he looked down and into the almond shaped eyes he loved so much.

 

“This is the city of love and desire after all, why don’t we make a good use of it?”

While Jiyong spoke, one of his legs had curled itself around Seunghyun’s. Playful up and down movements cause the other man to shiver and Jiyong used his leg to pull him even closer, pressing their lower halves against each other. He had to place both of his hands against the cold, stone wall for better leverage, as Jiyong yanked him down – their lips colliding in and almost brutal kiss and Seunghyun felt like fainting for a second. Or ten. He couldn’t think straight anymore, not when those lips and teeth and tongue played, bit, and nibbled so skilfully against his own and when Jiyong caressed his cheeks with such a gentle care Seunghyun felt like, maybe, just maybe, this could mean more to Jiyong then just a random fuck between friends.  
The youngers hands slowly reached into his hair and he let his short, barely there nails, scrape against his skull and Seunghyun had to force air back into his lungs. Immediately, he pushed even closer to the younger one and let his hands slip down to his hips and let them run up and down his delicious thighs. He digged his nails into them and let one hand slip under the shirt of Jiyong, his coat still open from before, and touched the soft, heated skin.

A moan broke from his lips and Seunghyun felt Jiyong moving his hips against his own, not being able to hold back his own moans as he tried his best to rub their hardening members against each other.

His lips left their soft counterparts, only to let them kiss and caress the pale skin on his neck. Soft kisses and licks turned into hard sucking and biting and he could hear Jiyong whimper as he thrusted against his hard cock. Fuck, those pants were getting way to tight for his taste, and by the state of Jiyong, he wasn’t in a better situation either.

 

But before he could do anything about the little situation they had, Jiyong pulled him back by his hair and placed a last, heated kiss against his lips, before he pushed Seunghyun back and ran back to the street, towards their hotel – giggling like the naughty child he was. He stopped to look back at Seunghyun, his pupils blown wide, lips swollen from being kissed so much and hair a total mess, before biting his own red lips and winked at him cheekily.

“Catch me, if you can.”

All of a sudden, Seunghyun felt his own heartbeat pick up so much he should be worried about a heart attack, but instead desire flooded his whole body and he couldn’t hold back anymore. As soon as Jiyong saw he had Seunghyun wrapped around his finger, he started to run. The little fucker wasn’t strong by any mean, but thanks to his small frame he was way faster than Seunghyun. It only spurred Seunghyun on even more.

 

 

 

°

 

 

Seungyhun had no memory of how they were able to finally reach their hotel without fucking on the streets of Paris. He had managed to catch up to Jiyong once or twice, which always ended up in a heated make out session, before the younger one broke away from him and continued to run.

It was driving Seunghyun absolutely mad and he loved ever damn second of it.

 

When they finally reached their hotel, he immediately let the door fall shut behind them and pinned Jiyong against the next flat surface – in their case, an old and expensive as hell looking mahogany table, but he couldn’t care less about the table right now.  
Their hands were everywhere. Tugging, pulling and caressing every inch of skin, fabric, whatever they could reach and kissed each other until they ran out of breath. They pulled away for a second – breathing heavily as they tried to tear away each other’s clothes as fast as possible – and were kissing each other feverishly again the next second. A mewl hissed out from between his lips as Jiyong drove his teeth into them, their tongues were battling for dominance and neither of them wanted to lose the game. His hands were back on the slim hips beneath him, finally opening the fly and pushing them down along with the other man’s boxers. He could feel the vibration of Jiyong’s moans against his chest as he threw them on the ground and started to undress the man completely.

In matter of seconds both of them were stark naked and Jiyong looked up at Seunghyun with the by now all too familiar gleam of mischief – he carefully, as carefully as he could muster right at this given moment, took his hand and guided it to his hole and Seunghyun felt like the air was being knocked out of his lungs.

The hole was already wet from lube and warm and god, even just the faint brush of his own fingers against the twitching opening made him moan out. His eyes darted up to Jiyong again, who was biting his lips and smiling wickedly up at him.

 

“Didn’t you wonder what took me so long, when I went to the bathroom?”

 

 _Oh, what a naughty boy he is_ , Seunghyun thought as a growl escaped his throat and he dived forward – burying his hands in Jiyong’s hair as he kissed him with so much vigour it made the other moan loudly at the back of his throat, which only turned Seunghyun on even more and he grabbed him by his hair and _tugged._

He quickly spread Jiyong’s legs even further and didn’t wait any longer. With shaking fingers, he reached down to his discarded pants on the ground and took out a condom – tearing the foil open with his teeth and rolling it down his achingly hard cock. Jiyong impatiently placed his legs around the other man’s hips and pulled him closer, urging him on to finally bury himself inside his tight heat and who was Seunghyun to deny him? Without missing a beat, he placed both slender legs on top of his shoulder, held on tightly onto the slender hips and thrusted inside, making them moan out loudly and Jiyong let his head fall back against the table – his eyes already closed in pleasure and mouth wide open as breathy and high-pitched moans escaped his lips.

 

Yes, Seunghyun could finally admit that he felt truly happy at that moment, because there was nothing more beautiful than Jiyong as a panting, red-faced and sweaty mess, scratching his short nails down his back as he moaned out in pleasure.

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

At least that was what he thought until he woke up the next morning.

 

Sex with Jiyong was always something earth-shattering. There was so much heat, so much desire and such a closeness, he had rarely felt – if not at all – with anyone else who he had slept with. Jiyong was simply one of a kind and he was not ashamed to admit that.

 

But there was something about waking up next to him after a night filled with passion – his skinny arms wrapped tightly around his abdomen as he cuddled against Seunghyun’s chest – it made him weak in the knees and caused his stomach to go crazy with butterflies. Seunghyun had no idea what time it was, but he really didn’t care. He had Jiyong in his arms and was content – sore as hell – but content, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

The smaller body finally started to move a bit; first, his arms tightened around his own, before going limp again. Second, he started to rub his head and cheek against the naked skin of his chest, like a lazy cat on a Sunday morning and Seunghyun couldn’t help but chuckle at the idea of cat Jiyong.

He finally lifted his head and looked up at the older man, his eyes still heavy with sleep and a little bit unfocused.

 

“Good morning, Hyung.” His voice was still soft and not louder than a whisper.

 

“Good morning, princess.”, he answered, equally as quiet.

 

A brilliant smile broke out on the younger man’s face.

 

“Wanna go grab some breakfast?”

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

“You can’t be serious right now, can you?”

 

Jiyong was staring at the other man, who was seated in front of him. They had eventually gotten out of bed – Jiyong a bit wobbly on his feet and still sore from their rough night – and decided to walk through the streets of Paris until they finally found a small café they liked and sat down to eat something.

 

“Jiyong, in all the years my eternal beauty has graced this planet, there has never been a matter I have been more serious about than this.”

 

The perfectly plucked eyebrow raised as he watched the older man suspiciously and his – what he apparently assumed to be the best kind of breakfast – choice of meal.

 

“Ice cream is serious business.”

 

Seunghyun felt a smirk tug at his lips, but he didn’t dare to break his poker face. He and Jiyong were both looking at each other with complete serious expressions and neither of them wanted to give up their little game, not until –

Jiyong pressed his lips together in a tight line, and from the way he slightly tensed up, it seemed that he was also holding his breath in order not to laugh out loud as Seunghyun took the spoon in his hand, raised it to his mouth and started to eat – all while staring at Jiyong and not daring to break eye contact. It was a total of two seconds before Jiyong finally gave in – his body shaking and curling forward as he laughed with his whole body. It was an adorable sight and Seunghyun loved seeing him like that. His cheeks always had such a lovely rosy colour whenever he laughed and his eyes shone brighter than any stars in this universe combined.

  
A small chuckle escaped his lips as well, as he continued to happily eat his ice cream.

 

“Gosh, you are such a child!”, said Jiyong as he was still laughing. One of his hands was covering his mouth by now and he tried his best to calm down a little, but he just couldn’t stop giggling.

 

“That, I am, but you aren’t much better. Who eats cake right after getting up? You are just as bad as I am sometimes, I swear!”

“Oh, please. We all know I look adorable as hell with chubby cheeks so stop complaining!”

 

Seunghyun didn’t need to answer, he knew that his smile was answer enough for him and Jiyong simply continued to eat his own “breakfast”.  

 

After a while, which was spend by them talking and Seunghyun taking pictures of everything he liked – starting be the design of the café, the ice cream he just ate, and a shit ton of pictures of Jiyong laughing brightly at him – his phone chimed up once again. A message from Matt.

 

Matt [14:05]

 _“Good morning, my favorite Korean_  
_lovebirds! Was wondering what you_  
_guys were up to today and if you could_  
_spare a couple of hours to spend time_  
_with me and the husband at a_  
_marvelous art gallery? You can’t say_  
_no by the way, Donnie and I decided_  
_to adopt Jiyong so he is our child now_  
_and we wont give up custody that easily._  
_Welcome to the family. ;)”_

 

Seunghyun sometimes regretted his choice of close friends, but only sometimes. Right now, he wasn’t sure whether to laugh at Matt’s stupidity or punch him the next time he sees him. Probably a mixture of both.

 

“Matt wants to now if we want to meet up later and apparently you have now been adopted by the queerest couple I know?”

As Jiyong looked at him as if he had seen a ghost, he simply showed him the message he had received and the younger one couldn’t not laugh at it.

“Seems like they like me, I’m glad – and sure, I’d love to go there. These two seem like fun anyways and we haven’t been to an art gallery for such a long time, I really missed it.” Seunghyun could hear the sincerity in his voice and felt himself smile dumbly. It’s true, they usually tried to go to museums or art galleries as much as possible, but lately their schedule had been so hectic there simply wasn’t enough time. Plus, Jiyong was always packed with invitations to various events and photo shootings and god knows what else, that having a day off and spending it with looking at art was really difficult.

 

“Perfect, I’ll let him know.”

 

 

 

˚

 

 

 

Two hours later the four of them finally met up. Jiyong, as usual, had insisted to change into different clothes as well. Apparently Chanel jeans and a Armani shirt weren’t enough for visiting an art gallery. Seunghyun had simply rolled his eyes and took a seat on the comfortable armchair in their suite as Jiyong performed a mini fashion show, until he was happy with his choice.

 

“Jiyong, it’s so good to see you again!”, Donnie and Matt both immediately walked up to the younger man and hugged him tightly. Seunghyun could only stand back in irritation as he watched his friends holding his leader. He couldn’t help but feel a bit left out.

As Jiyong finally turned away from the couple and saw Seunghyun sulk, a sly grin tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Aw, Hyungie. Don’t be like that, you know we all love you!”

He knew Jiyong was only teasing, but it only made him sulk even more. Whatever, he actually was glad that they seemed to like each other, so he ignored his childish feelings and hugged the other two as well.  
Matt had already booked a private viewing for all of them, not wanting them to be crowded by too many people. Besides, there was always the possibility that someone would recognize Seunghyung and Jiyong and that would only cause a scene.

The gallery was quiet, but as soon as they stepped inside Seunghyun felt at ease. It was bitterly cold that day in Paris – it was only January after all, and he regretted eating ice cream maybe a little bit for his breakfast – and the gallery had the perfect temperature to get warm again. It wasn’t so oppressively hot that you felt like your were suffocating and melting into a puddle of sweat at the same time, but warm enough so you could easily take of your jacket.

 

Without meaning to, Donnie and Matt ended up at the other side of them room, discussing one of the artworks bu Kusama Yayoi, while Seunghyun and Jiyong found themselves in front of one of Gerhard Richter’s artworks. They were standing close next to each other – their shoulders almost brushing against one another – and Seunghyun felt eyes on him, but right now he couldn’t care less about it.

It wasn’t a secret that his mental health never had been the best, even from young age on. Depression, possibility of a bipolar disorder, anxiety, in danger of getting addicted to various things rather easily – the list went on and on and it got even worse when he was thrusted into a world of glamour and fashion and paparazzi. The only thing that helped him sooth his restless soul was art. When he first stumbled upon the artworks of Jean Michel Basquiat and Gerhard Richter, he felt something inside of him fall into place. He didn’t know what art had triggered inside of him, but he found himself studying more and more about it, until it had become one of his coping mechanisms. Probably the only one that was of a healthy nature and didn’t end with him being piss drunk and passed out, face on the floor and with no memory of last night.

Looking at art always calmed him. It was as if it was calling to him and he simply had the urge to stare at it and his mind would end up being far away – sometimes he’d make up little stories inside his head, which he felt like suited a certain painting, or even a situation in which the artist had been in that triggered him to bring this marvelous piece of art onto a canvas.

He knew that not everyone shared his point of view when it came to art, and at the beginning he was insecure when it came to talking about it. Seunghyun always loved his members, but back then they were more interested in Jay-Z, Kanye West and all the other rappers. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in them as well, it just felt a little bit odd to want to talk about fine art, instead of the new bomb Usher had dropped.

Jiyong caught up to Seunghyun’s new found love by accident. He had been looking for one of his shirts, which he knew had to be somewhere in their room, when he found a couple of magazines under his bed. At first, he had thought they were porn magazines and had planned on to tease Seunghyun restlessly about it as he confessed later, but no. Instead, he sat down with him and asked him various questions about artists he liked, how he got into all this and in the end even asked him if they could go to an art gallery together some time.

Even though he didn’t show it, it had meant the world to Seunghyun.

 

 

Which is why he nowadays always wanted to make sure Jiyong had a good time when they were at an gallery together. He made sly remarks, cracked jokes and came up with the most bizarre stories he could think of – everything just to make Jiyong laugh and enjoy their time together.

This time wasn’t that different, even though it had been ages since they last spent time like this.

 

After a couple of minutes of silence, Seunghyun had finally found a way to put the paintings in relation to each other and started to talk to Jiyong in a hushed voice about elephants, candles, a wedding and why or why not it was a bad idea to bring a Dom to a baby shower party.

 

“Hyung, you neeed to stop talking. My sides are already hurting!”, Jiyong complained as he tried to stop laughing, but easier said than done. He was already leaning onto the other man’s shoulder and tried to catch his breath, but whenever he looked back at the paintings he would start again and hide his face in Seunghyun’s shoulder.

 

“Seems like you guys are having a blast over there.”, Donnie said as he and Matt approached them again. Jiyong could only nod and dry his tears with the sleeve of his jacket.

“Apparently candles and elephants are really funny, especially when-“

“Seunghyun, please no!-“

“Oh my god! Seunghyung! Elephants! Niels! We need to take pictures together!”

Before Seunghyun had been able to talk even more nonsense and probably kill Jiyong with his creativity, Matt had interrupted the both of them.

For a split of a second he was confused, what the hell Matt was talking about? Until the coin dropped. Of course, how could he forget! A huge grin appeared on his face and he quickly turned to Jiyong, handing over his own phone. Matt was doing the same to Donnie, who only groaned and shook his head, already knowing all to well what was about to come.

“Wait, what’s going on?”

 

Jiyong looked at them in confusion as all of a sudden both males laid down on the floor and spread their arms, pressed flat against the cool surface of the floor.

“Don’t question us, just take a picture. Please!”, Seunghyun tried his best not to laugh, but to close his eyes and relax his muscles.

This stupid tradition.

Oh, how he loved it.

Donnie walked up to Jiyong and stopped next to him, mumbling something about _“irresponsible chidlren"_ and _“why are they all so weird”_ , before he snapped a few pictures. Jiyong did the same.

Seconds later Matt and Seunghyun got up again and grinned from ear to ear. Matt was immediately up in his husband's face, begging him to show him the pictures he had taken and Seunghyun was pretty sure Donnie was going to murder him soon.

Jiyong still looked at him, confusion ritten all over his features.

 

“I guess I should finally explain this little thing we just did to you?” – Jiyong nodded – “Okay, here is the story. A friend of mine, Niels Kantor, started doing the “floored series” originally to annoy his wife Cristina. It didn’t take long until he started to ask his friends to join him and now whenever Matt and I are at a gallery or something we take those pictures as well and send it to Cristina and Niels. Partly to show our support to Niels, and partly to annoy Cristina. It’s been ages since we started doing this, and by now I think that Cristina actually loves it, but it’s a tradition so we definitely wont stop with it now. Oh, and he aslo has this really, really ugly statue at home and he keeps on insisting that it is meant to represent the soul of every artist that already passed away? Well, to put it simply. It looks like a limp dick with giant ears, which is why Matt decided to give it a new name, "the elephant", so whenever he now sees an elephant he just loses it.”

 

Jiyong had to grin once again.

 

“You guys are adorable. Here, hold my stuff for a second!”

  
“Wait, what? Why?”

 

“Let’s just say you just added a dragon to the floored series.”

 

Seunghyun and Matt both jumped around like little kids when Jiyong laid down on the floor and Seunghyun quickly snapped a few pictures, before the staff from the gallery would kick them out. Even Donnie ended up joining him on the floor and Matt practically beamed with joy as he took even more pictures with his phone.

 

 

 

˚

 

 

 

 

As the sun started to slowly set, Seunghyun and Jiyong found themselves near the Seine. The other two had gone back to their own hotel and decided to have a nice evening for themselves, which neither of the Korean men wanted to deny them. Wind was already blowing rather harshly, making it seem like the already low temperatures were even colder, but Jiyong had still insisted on going for a walk to enjoy the quiet evening. It was almost weird seeing Jiyong like this. Back in Korea he normally couldn’t sit still for a couple of minutes and was always out and about, never staying a night in to simply enjoy the calmness, but here in Paris it almost seemed like he was a complete different person. 

They stopped on a bridge to enjoy the view for a bit. Stars were already shining brightly over their heads as the sun had already gone to sleep and the moon was rising. Chattering from all around the place was still heard, but it didn’t bother Seunghyun. Not when Jiyong was pressing closer to him in order to stay warm and their hands held onto each other. Apparently, that wasn’t enough warmth for Jiyong though, because after a few minutes of silence his teeth started to rattle and his whole body was shaking from the cold. Seunghyun worldlessly opened the front of his thick coat and pulled Jiyong in front of him and closed the coat around him. He rested his chin at Jiyong’s shoulder, his lips almost caressing the tip of his ear, and his arms wrapped tightly and protectively around the smaller man.

 

“Better?”

 

Seunghyun felt another shiver run through Jiyong’s body as he cuddled even closer to the taller man and even tilted his head back to rest it on Seunghyun’s shoulder.

 

“The best.”

 

A proud smile broke out on his face as he heard Jiyong whisper back, but as quickly as it had appeared, as quickly it fell again.

 

This. This right there was were the lines blurred and which made him hope that whatever it was that was going on between them, was more than fucking. He knew that Jiyong had always looked up to him for whatever reason, ever since they were young, and he also knew that he was important to Jiyong. Why else would they have always spent so much time together and even had worked on a solo album together? It wasn’t that that Jiyong didn’t care about him, but he didn’t love him like he loved him either.

He tightened his grip around Jiyong a little bit and buried his face in the crook of his neck.

If Jiyong really didn’t love him, why was he acting like this ever since they arrived in Paris? Was it, because he was lonely and needed to feel loved? Jiyong had often written about feeling lonely in his songs, so it would make sense. Why else would he continue to hold his hand and cuddle up to him? Furthermore, Jiyong was the youngest in his family and used to always being held or cuddled, being away from his family probably made the loneliness a bit worse these days.

 

Whatever it was, Seunghyun didn’t want to think anymore and simply enjoy the moment of having Jiyong in his arms and breath in his intoxicating scent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what? This is actually only half of the chapter, but I figured since I won't be able to upload or write within the next week or so why not upload it? Plus, this is already 20 pages long and a chapter with a total of roughly 40+ pages would have been a little bit too long for my taste. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter and please, leave a comment and tell me what you think! I always enjoy talking to my readers (:


	3. Act.l: Part ll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally a new chapter! Hope you guys like it, make sure to leave a comment if you do! 
> 
> These chapters are longer than I am used to so please excuse if my updates are slow.

** Act.l: Part ll: “Anchorage” **

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

  1. _The desire to hold onto time as it passes._



 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

 

Waking up the next morning resembled of awakening within a dream. Everything was still hazy and Seunghyun’s limbs were still heavy with sleep, but not only that – Jiyong had once again curled against the bigger frame of his body during the night – or had it been the other way around? He didn’t remember.

 It wasn’t unusual that they sometimes cuddled, but rarely in moments like this when they were in bed together. For some reason, Jiyong always shied away from him and his touch as soon as his legs had stopped to tremble and his heartbeat was back to normal again, but Seunghyun never dared to ask – even if it felt like a being stabbed in his heart every time.

 

When they went to bed that night they had been too tired for anything dirty. Seunghyun even had to help Jiyong pull of his shoes and his jacket and open his jeans for him, because he had been so tired. The second day was always worse for Jiyong for some reason when it came to jetlag. It was as if his body was finally catching up with him and now demanded its rest, which is why as soon as Jiyong’s head had hit the pillow he was fast asleep and dead to the world. They must have moved around quite a bit while they were asleep, because Seunghyun was now spooning Jiyong, with one arm serving the younger one as a pillow and the other one securely wrapped around him, with Jiyong pressing it tightly against his chest and held it with his own hands.

 

Seunghyung still felt uneasy ever since last night. The bitterness of knowing that Jiyong didn’t mean anything by his sweet behaviour was hard to swallow, but he tried his best to push these thoughts away. At least for the moment. Right now, he simply wanted to enjoy Jiyong’s intoxicating scent and his soft skin pressing against his.

 

 

He was still half asleep when he felt the body in front of him move – especially the lower half of said body and the soft muscles that were his ass grinding back against his stomach and bulge.

 

“Well, good morning to you, too.”, Jiyong purred as he took Seunghyun’s hands in his own and let them caress his soft skin under his shirt. His hips were still moving in lazy circles and created an absolutely maddening friction. Seunghyun felt his heartbeat pick up and his dick, which had already been half hard when he woke up, grow into full hardness as Jiyong pressed it between his cheeks.

A low, pleased moan escaped him as he buried his face deeper against Jiyong’s neck and inhaled his scent, his hands already moving up and down the lean planes of his chest and stomach, lightly scratching the skin with his nails.

 

“Good morning, indeed.”

 

Seunghyun’s voice was still thick from sleep and he felt a shiver run through the other man’s body, causing him only to press closer against the warmth radiating off the body in front of him. His hips started to move in sync against the softness of Jiyong’s ass in equally lazy movements.

 

It wasn’t long until the heat between them grew thicker and thicker and both of them grew impatient. Seungyhun was about to finally flip Jiyong over, when the other man seemed to have the same idea, turned around and pushed Seunghyun flat on his back. Immediately he settled onto the other man’s lap and latched his mouth against his throat.

Soft kisses were placed against his throat as Jiyong took his hands and pressed them against the bed on both sides of Seunghyun’s head, making it impossible for the other man to move, but right at this moment, he didn’t care at all. He was still soft and pliant in his movements from just waking up and he wasn’t about to complain with Jiyong on top of him and being in charge.  
Jiyong let go of Seunghyun’s hands and started to caress his chest and opened the buttons of his pyjama in a torturously slow space, never stopping kissing the warm skin and placing small kitten licks every now and then, which made Seunghyun’s head spin.

 

Jiyong’s delicate fingers carefully pushed the soft fabric of his shirt aside and started kissing down his chest making his way down his abdomen until he reached the noticeable tent in the other man’s pants. Immediately, he palmed it – his lips leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses along the shaft, making Seunghyun moan out in pleasure. It wasn’t often that the younger man had time to actually go down on him, but god, whenever he did Seunghyun swore he could hear the angels sing. He was simply that good in giving head.

 

Not holding back any longer, Jiyong pulled down his pants – his erection springing free and Jiyong chuckled softly when Seunghyun tried to move his hips closer to the hot cavern that was the younger man’s mouth. His devilish tongue darted out and he played with the head of his cock – teasing the sensitive vein and carefully pushing back the foreskin, before he let his plush lips wrap around him and took him into his mouth. Seunghyun gasped at the sensation, which flooded his body and tried to hold on to the sheets underneath his fingers as Jiyong took him deeper inside his mouth.

 

“Fuck, you are so good at this, Jiyongie.”

 

The praise was retorted by a pleased hum, causing vibrations to run from the tip downwards, making Seunghyun moan out once again. Jiyong pulled of a little bit again and pressed the tip of his tongue against the sensitive slit and made Seunghyun’s toes curl in pleasure – his hands were massaging the rest of his shaft which wasn’t in his mouth and played with his balls – only to dive back in and take as much of Seunghyun’s length inside his mouth and down his throat as he could.

 

He didn’t know how long Jiyong pleased him with his mouth, but he felt the addicting spikes of pleasure drum through his veins – the tight coil in his gut pulling tighter and tighter – and he lost himself in his own pleasure so much that it took him a while to realise that Jiyong was spreading his legs even further.

 

As the younger man stopped bopping his head up and down and pulled off, looking up at him with hungry eyes, Seunghyun felt another wave of heat exploding in his stomach.

 

His tongue pressed against his cock again, making it twitch – he didn’t dare to break eye contact, making the whole scene so much hotter – as he continued to move his hands against his shaft, which was already slick with precum.

 

 

“Actually...”, Jiyong sounded a bit unsure and stopped his movements for a second, “I’d like to try something, do you trust me?”

 

Seunghyun’s emotions had been a roller-coaster ever since last night. He enjoyed his time with Jiyong so much, being close to him in a way he has never been before ever since they arrived in Paris, but last night his insecurities had surfaced again making it almost impossible to enjoy the night with Jiyong in his arms – but right now? He just wanted time to stop and soak in every soft caress and loving moment Jiyong had to offer and whatever Jiyong wanted to do with him right now, he was willing. He trusted him, he always had and he knew Jiyong would never do something to him, especially in bed, he wasn’t comfortable with. With a small nod he gave Jiyong permission to continue.

 

A blinding smile lightened his face up and in this moment, he looked like the most exquisite painting Seunghyun had ever seen. It was still early, but the soft rays of the sun rising already peaked through the curtains inside the room, illuminating the room in a warm light and making Jiyong’s features look even softer than usually.

 

He let his legs part even wider and Jiyong grabbed one of the pillows and placed it underneath Seunghyun’s hips to have better access to the placed he desired the most in this moment. His hands were back on his thighs, stroking them and eventually lifted them onto his shoulders to raise his hips even more. The older man already had a faint idea what Jiyong was planning to do, but instead of the normally nervousness, which occurred whenever someone tried to dominate him like this and please him, goosebump broke out on his skin and filled him with a rush of adrenaline. His pulse picked up again and a wave of molten heat rolled through his body as Jiyong placed kisses at the inside of his thighs and slowly made his way to the entrance. He carefully looked up at Seunghyun again, making sure he really was alright with this, but when the older one didn’t protest he didn’t hesitate any longer and spread his cheeks to let his tongue finally run over the puckered hole.

Seunghyun hissed lowly at the unfamiliar feeling as the soft and wet muscle continued to lick and play with his hole. It wasn’t unpleasant – not at all – just unfamiliar and new, but he really didn’t want the other man to stop right now.

 

Jiyong let his tongue run over the soft skin again and again and it slowly but surely drove Seunghyun insane with pleasure. He had never paid much interest to bottoming for someone, but the way Jiyong made him feel right now was more than enough to convince him. He was already panting harshly when Jiyong let his tongue trust inside of him and one of his fingers joined him. Another moan broke loose from his lips – this time higher than usually and it made Jiyong move his tongue and finger even faster against his sensitive skin.

 

Seunghyun’s ribcage was expanding and contracting faster and faster and he trashed his head from side to side – precum was already dripping from the tip of his cock and smeared against his happy trail. It became harder and harder for Seunghyun to hold still – it was too inviting to take Jiyong’s head and push him even harder against his hole or force his raging hard on down his throat, but he tried to hold himself back. He wanted to draw this out as much as possible.

 

-which didn’t seem to work, because another finger joined Jiyong’s first one and even though it was tight and stung a little Seunghyun rutted his hips desperately against them – making them push even deeper inside of him until the vanished inside him completely.

 

All of a sudden Jiyong was above him again – his fingers still deep inside him – and pressed a desperate kiss against his lips. His desire was so strong and potent Seunghyun could only lie there as Jiyong thrusted his tongue inside his throat, bit his lips and sucked on every millimetre of skin he could reach. It was like the younger one was in trance – when he pulled back for a second his eyes were disoriented and pupils blown so wide they appeared almost black.

 

“You have no idea how fucking breath-taking you look right now, Seunghyun.”

 

Before he could answer, Jiyong pressed forward again and sucked on one of his nipples – tongue playing with the hardening nub and teeth pulling at the overheated skin – and then all Seunghyun could feel was white pleasure shaking up his whole body as Jiyong curled his fingers _just right_ against the spot inside of him he usually loved to tease Jiyong with and – _fuck_ – he needed Jiyong to press against that spot again. His fingers were pulling so hard against the sheets his knuckles turned white – he lifted his hips and frantically moved his hips. Whining, high pitched moans and desperate “please, please, please, Jiyongie” filled the heated space between them as Jiyong continued to abuse his prostrate.

 

Finally giving in to his begging Jiyong was back between his legs, his hot mouth on his dick and sucking – hallowing his cheeks – with greed and that was enough to send Seungyhun over the edge, He felt himself coming down the younger man’s throat – a silent moan on his lips – as his back curved like a bow and after the final wave washed over him all tension escaped his body and he fell back against the sheets, body limp and panting harshly. His skin was damp from the sweat and Jiyong let go of his cock and pulled his fingers out of him – his tongue licking against his twitching dick until Seunghyun was too sensitive and pulled him up against his chest.

 

His legs were still jelly and he couldn’t think straight – his own heartbeat was ringing loudly in his ears and his eyes were closed as he enjoyed his afterglow.

 

A few seconds passed until he finally opened his eyes, looking straight at Jiyong with dopey smile.

 

 

 

“Now it’s my turn.”

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

Once they finally gained back some strength, Jiyong had to get up and leave for a photo shooting. He was already late by 20 minutes, but him being G Dragon should be enough of an excuse, he had told the older man cheekily, before he left their hotel room with a pleased smile on his lips.

 

Seungyhun was still in bed – curled up under a thick blanket and cuddling against the sheets – when his phone chimed up again. With a low groan he turned towards the nightstand and blindly reached for it to read the message.

 

 

 

 

Cristina [11:43]  
  
“Good morning, sunshine!  
Enjoyed your night? (; I assume Niels  
didn’t tell you that we will be in Paris as  
well this week – are you free this afternoon??  
SooJoo and me want to go shopping and  
because neither of our significant other has  
time we decided – you – should be the one  
to have the honour of accompanying us.  
What do you say??”

 

 

Seungyhun [11:44]  
  
“You guys are here as well? Why didn’t  
Niels tell Matt and me yesterday when we  
send you the pictures : ((  
I am free this afternoon.. Jiyong has a shooting,  
but I don’t really wanna carry the stuff you girls  
buy – you guys are almost as bad as Jiyong ..”

 

 

Cristina [11:44]

 

“Oh, stop being a baby – pleeeease!”

 

 

 

Seunghyun [11:45]

 

“…..”

 

 

Cristina [11:46]  
  
“I will buy you as much Häagen-Dazs as you want..?”

 

Seunghyun [11:48]  
  
“you are evil ………. But I am in.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

“Tell me again, why did I agree to come with you two crazy people?”

 

 

To say that Seunghyun was ready to lie down, curl into a ball of introverted mass and say goodbye to this world was the underestimation of the century. If he had to see one more pair of boobs that belonged to either Cristina, or SooJoo he was going to throw something. It wasn’t that he didn’t like boobs, he was into men and women after all – even though his current, meaning the last 10 years or so, taste was a rather expensive dragon – so he really didn’t mind normally, but this were his friends and why did they decide it would be a good idea to drag him along when buying negligees, bras and other fancy, lacy stuff that should only be seen by their boyfriend or husband? Seunghyun really didn’t know, but apparently, they thought he had a great taste when it came to stuff like this, which was probably the reason why he was currently sitting on one of the benches near the changing rooms, waiting for Cristina and SooJoo to show off another pair of lingerie they decided to wear.

 

“Seunghyun, you have an eye for art – why not use that amazing talent of yours to appreciate some?”

 

Another groan escaped his lips.

 

“Fine, whatever.”

 

 

“Besides, if you are already this uneasy – wait until we get to the sex shops!”

 

“-wait, what?”

 

“I can’t wait! There is this really good one not far from here, Cristina. We absolutely have to go. I really need new bondage equipment. We already used ours too often and the ropes are not as smooth to touch anymore and-“

 

 

Sometimes he really hated his friends.

 

 

 

 

When they finally left, SooJoo made her words come true and dragged them into one of the infamous sex shops and before Seunghyun could even protest, she was off to the bondage section and made her way through all the different kinds of ropes and chains they had to offer. Cristina wasn’t that far behind, already knee deep into floggers and plugs.

 

“Oh, come on. Don’t be such a baby. Besides – why don’t you buy something nice for Jiyong, too? You can’t tell me it’s all missionary with you guys.”

 

SooJoo knew exactly how to push his buttons and sometimes he really hated her for that. Seunghyun narrowed his eyes at her and made his way over to the BDSM section, trying to ignore the snickering from Cristina and SooJoo as he looked through the aisles.

 

It was true, Jiyong and Seunghyun had experimented every now and then with something kinky – especially during those times when Jiyong needed someone to pull him down again or clear his head. Those times were usually during the time when they were working on a new album and Jiyong was stressing himself way too much again. He’d be at the studio 24/7, never taking a break from writing, composing, doing various promotion shoots during his breaks and work on his new collection for peaceminusone at the very same time. Most of the time, Seunghyun was the one who had to snap him out of it again.

 

When they would play, Seunghyun always made sure Jiyong was really in the right mindset for it. He’d ask Jiyong several times to make sure he was fine. He’d let Jiyong choose a saveword and they’d slowly make their way to his bedroom. As soon as the door would fall shut behind them, all tension drained from Jiyong’s body and he’d look up at Seunghyun with big, pleading eyes and that would be enough to make Seunghyun snap and have his way with him.

 

Flogger, paddles, canes, ropes, chains, anal beads, vibrators and plugs, gag balls – there really wasn’t something they hadn’t played with and they had all enjoyed it with great pleasure. It didn’t stop with mere toys, they had even dipped their toes into various acts of plays.

 

Some days Jiyong was so out of it and sick of his stage persona that he really didn’t want to be human – at least for a short amount of time, where he and Seunghyun would be alone and no one would judge him or the things he wanted to do, or have done to him. He had always enjoyed being called a good boy so it wasn’t much of a surprise when Jiyong had mentioned to Seunghyun that he’d like to try a different kind of play – pet play. Seunghyun still remembered how embarrassed Jiyong had been when he admitted it. His cheeks had been as flaming red as his hair had been back then and he hadn’t been able to meet his eyes, but Seunghyun simply started to play with his hair and helped him calm down again so they could discuss the rules as usual.

 

 

“Do you need any advice or help?”

 

Seunghyun snapped back to reality when he heard a voice next to him. It was one of the employees from the shop – middle aged and with a warm smile on her lips.

 

“Thank you, but no. I think I already know what I want to get.”

 

“Oh, perfect! Just let me know if you need something specific or advice.”

 

As suddenly as she had approached him, as suddenly she was gone again.

 

 

Seunghyun turned back to the aisle with a smirk on his lips.  
Maybe this small detour to the sex shop wasn’t that much of a bad idea after all. It didn’t take him long until he found something he had wanted to try and he couldn’t help but smile at the idea of Jiyong wearing it and getting all riled up and horny. He took the small package with a cockcage inside in his hands and read through the instruction on the back and smirked – this was going to be so much fun. Seunghyun knew all too well how impatient Jiyong could get, especially when horny, and it always did something to him when Jiyong would be so desperate for his dick, his tongue, his fingers – anything – to make him cum. He liked the attention he got from the younger man and he liked to be in total control of him as well. It was addicting and unlike anything he had ever experienced prior. He was about to leave the isle and pay for the device, when something else caught his eyes. A vibrating anal plug.

While he had a lot of experience with plugs and with vibrators, both combined was something new. He immediately grabbed a medium sized pink one – his favourite colour after all – and finally left the aisle, with a big smirk on his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

“Oh, come on, why won’t you tell us what you bought! It’s not like Jiyong won’t tell me anyways. Please?”

 

 

After their visit to the sex shop SooJoo and Cristina had dragged him to different places and Seunghyun felt like his legs were going to give in any second now, even though they had already sat down at a small bistro, enjoying their lunch.

 

“If you are so positive about Jiyong telling you, then there is no point in me telling you now. You will see what it was when he tells you.”

 

A never leaving smirk on his lips.

 

He knew Jiyong loved to talk about sex with his friends, but for some reason he never really voiced the sexcapates they shared to any of them and Seunghyun wasn’t sure if this was a positive thing or not. He simply hoped that Jiyong didn’t talk about any of it, because he knew Seunghyun valued his private life.

 

SooJoo leaned back, still sulking over the fact that Seunghyun wouldn’t tell her what he bought in the sex shop, but Seunghyun really didn’t mind a sulking SooJoo. As much as he liked her, this was something private he didn’t want to talk to anyone else about, besides Jiyong.

 

He was about to take another bite from his lunch, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. A message from Jiyong. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Seunghyun quickly tipped in his code and swiped upwards to open the message he got from the younger one, and he wished he hadn’t.

 

Seunghyun knew that the younger one was at a photo shooting so he had already prepared himself for a huge income of selfies behind the scenes on the set – most of them were usually during the time they applied makeup to his face, but this time it was something different.

 

Apparently Jiyong had found a quiet minute for himself and decided to annoy Seunghyun in the best way possible. It wasn’t a usual selfie he got from the younger one, no. It was one of his rare, but absolutely erotic, nudes. Or semi-nudes.

 

This time the younger one was in one of the changing rooms – Seunghyun could only pray he locked the door – in front of a mirror. His back was facing the mirror and his soft, round as was bare to the open. Seunghyun could see that his legs were spread and he was kneeling, making it easy to make out the tip of his flaccid cock hanging between his legs, and god – the way the pushed out his ass just the way he knew Seunghyun liked it whenever he fucked him from behind was enough. He could already feel himself getting hard and he had to bite his lip to hold back a groan as another selfie came in. This time, Seunghyun could see more of his body and he realized that Jiyong was still wearing a shirt he probably wore during the shooting.

 

He had changed his position as well.  The second selfie was of him laying lazily on his back, shirt tugged upwards and holding it up with his teeth, while his free hand was playing with his now erected dick.

 

“ _Thinking about your dick in my mouth.”,_ was the caption underneath it and Seunghyun was ready to jump into the next cap and drive wherever Jiyong was right now.

 

 

“Seunghyun, are you alright? Your face is red, are you feeling unwell?”

 

SooJoo’s voice was far away, but near enough to snap him back to reality. His mouth was dry and he knew that if he wouldn’t have placed the bags on his lap, the girls would have spotted his raging hard on ages ago.

 

“If I wouldn’t know any better, I’d say Jiyong send him a risky text..”

 

He knew Cristina was joking, she always had a way with making him laugh at her sometimes crude jokes, but this time, he didn’t laugh, but felt a blush creep its way onto his cheeks and he didn’t dare to look at either of them – the faint smirk still on his lips.

 

 

“Wait, are you serious right now? Did he really?”

 

 

 _Fuck_.

 

 

 

 

 

Seunghyun [15:43]

 

“Just so you know, you are in so much trouble for these

Pictures. You better get yourself ready for when I get  
Back to the hotel later.”

 

 

Jiyong [15:45]

 

“Can’t wait.”

 

 

°

 

 

 

Roughly an hour later he found himself in front of their shared hotel suite. Seunghyun’s heart was beating a mile per second as he heard faint singing at the other side of the door, which meant, Jiyong was home. Home and he could finally get his hands on his skin again, just like he had dreamed of during the past hour. He quickly opened the door and let it fall shut behind him, the bags dropping to the ground right next to it and completely forgetting about them as he followed the soft voice spilling from the lips of his leader like the song of a Sirene, pulling him closer to his demise. As it turned out, Jiyong was under taking a shower – bathroom door wide open – with his back turned to the door, similar to the pose of him in front of the mirror earlier. He never stopped singing, but all Seunghyun could concentrate on was the smooth skin, exposed to the faint light of the bathroom and the way the water made it shine.

 

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

 

Jiyong teased, and Seunghyun’s eyes snapped back to his in a second. The pupils were blown wide already and held an undertone Seunghyun knew all too well by now. Jiyong wanted to get fucked. Now. Preferably hard, too, but with all the teasing the younger one had done this day, he was not going to cave in that easily.

 

Seunghyun lazily reached back into his back pocket and fished out his phone, opening the camera in a swift movement and bit his lips as he came closer to Jiyong. He started out with taking pictures of him from above, making sure to capture the broad shoulders of the younger one and the way he tilted his head back and grinned back into the camera.  
He kneeled down in front of the shower, still staying back a bit to not get water on his phone, but close enough to capture the beauty that was Jiyong. This time he tried a lower angle. Jiyong spread his legs once again, but this time his hands joined his ass and he spread his cheeks, making sure that Seunghyun had a direct view on his puckered, pink hole.  
He felt his barrier crumble as Jiyong continued to taunt him with slow, hypnotizing motions with his hips and Seunghyun decided he had had enough. He let his phone drop to the ground, rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt and placed his hands were Jiyong’s had been a second ago.

 

 

“I should punish you for the stunt you pulled earlier, not praise you.”

 

 

“You can still punish me afterwards. Now I want you to eat me.”, he almost believed Jiyong had full control over the situation, but under the teasing tone of his voice he heard clear desperation. Jiyong’s body was already flushed with a potent red tan and Seunghyun also didn’t miss the slight tremor he felt when he played with his ass, massaging it and playfully slapping it, before he spread his cheeks and dived in. His tongue coughed onto the puckered rim and he let it wander of the pink skin again and again – never pushing in, but simply playing with his skin there.

 

He knew it made the younger one insane, because his legs were already shaking and he couldn’t stop the whining noises escaping the back of his throat.

 

“Hyung, please..”

 

-but Seunghyun ignored him. He simply let his tongue slowly thrust into the tight hole, wiggling it in a way he knew Jiyong liked, before pulling back out. He continued to assault him – sucking on the skin, biting into the soft cheeks and leaving hickeys between his legs – until he finally pushed a finger inside Jiyong. The heated skin was hot on his own. The moans were even louder inside the bathroom, because they bounced off the walls and made this whole scene even dirtier than it already was.

 

“Do you have any idea how hard I got, when you send me those pictures?”

 

Seunghyun really didn’t expect an answer, and Jiyong knew that, but the younger one couldn’t help but let out a whimper as he silently pushed his ass back into the other man’s face, begging for him to continue, but Seunghyun wasn’t having none of it.

He quickly stood up again from his kneeling position behind Jiyong, pulled his leather belt from his pants and folded it in half.

 

“You know what happens when you misbehave like that, don’t you, my little boy?”

 

God, if Jiyong looked absolutely ruined right at this moment, Seunghyun really didn’t want to know what he looked like right now. His clothes were drenched wet from the water, which was still pouring down on Jiyong’s back, his hair was an absolute mess, his lips were already swollen from biting them so much during the past hour to hold himself in check and now assaulting his lover like this and his already wet pants didn’t do anything to hide his raging hard on.

 

Jiyong could only nod as he looked up at the older man, his figure almost tiny in front of him as he sank down on his own knees, ass up in the air and waited for his punishment.

 

 

“You still remember your saveword?”

 

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

After spanking Jiyong for each selfie he had sent ten times and fucking him hard against the tiles of their bathroom, he had carried the younger one to their bed and tugged him in, making sure he was comfortable, before he reached out for some of the creams he always applied to Jiyong’s skin after being rough with him like this.

 

Jiyong might not be into cuddling after sex, but that didn’t mean Seunghyun wouldn’t try to take care of him anyways. He carefully applied it on the sensitive skin on his ass, which was still red from the beating it had received and he heard Jiyong sigh in relief. They were always quiet afterwards. Jiyong was far too tired to care about anything right now and Seunghyun felt like talking would break the moment. Some people called it the afterglow of having great sex, but this was something different. This was a way of Seunghyun making sure that whatever was between them, hadn’t been broken during their activities. He continued to massage the younger one, losing the knots in his lower back and shoulders until he was nothing but a warm puddle of limbs under his skilled hands. The room is completely silent, save for the even breathing of Jiyong and the low moans leaving his lips whenever Seunghyun presses against a sore muscle and leaves him relaxed afterwards. It doesn’t take long until Jiyong has fallen asleep and after Seunghyun put everything away and brushed his teeth, he joins Jiyong in bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, he is greeted by a sight he loves. Jiyong is still in bed next to him, but he isn’t looking at him, not at all. He is holding a new pair of shoes, which he most likely got from the photo shooting yesterday, and is doodling all kinds of things onto them. The younger one is silently cursing under his breath as one of the pencils ran out of ink and stopped working. Frustrated, he placed the pencil on the night stand and looks back at his half-finished shoe. There are various flowers drawn on them and Seunghyun has to chuckle lightly at them. Seems like Murakami Takashi had a bigger influence on him as he originally thought.

 

“Hold on, I have something for you.”

 

Jiyong eyes snapped up to his own and the frustration melted away.

 

“Really?”

 

“You think I go shopping and not get something for you?”

 

 

Seunghyun quickly grabbed a fresh pair of boxers, before he made his way over to the bags, which he had not so carefully placed next to the entrance door the night before. He came back to the bed and placed the various bags onto them.

 

“Okay, the first one is not really something expensive-“

 

“First one??”

 

“Yes, now shut up. I know you love to draw thing on your shoes and clothes, right? Anyways, I got you some of these pencils. They should even stick to leather without peeling off again. Most of the pencils are on a plastic-like-basis, which is why they may be waterproof, but can come off rather easily.”

 

Seunghyun gave Jiyong the pen set, which had a total of 10 different colours. The younger one was already smiling like a kid on Christmas and didn’t hesitate a moment, before he ripped the pens out of the bag and drew patterns on his shoes. Apparently, they suited his taste, because he squealed in delight and held up the shoe as if he was in The Lion King, ready to baptize the shoe as a new king.

 

“Thank you so much, Hyung!”

 

“If you are already this excited over a few pens, let’s see how you like your other gifts.”

 

“What do you mean over a few pens?? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get decent pens like these? Most of them wash off after wearing my shoes twice and look how well they cover the leather!”, Jiyong held up the shoe, which he had been drawing on, trying to make a point, but Seunghyun simply laughed.

 

“Alright, alright. Do you want your other presents now, or not?”

 

Jiyong was back to being silent, but his eyes were filled with amusement and he was bouncing up and down slightly on the bed, like a ball filled with energy.

 

“Okay. So, you know SooJoo always drags me to these various boutiques that are way too expensive, right?”

 

“As if your suits are so much cheaper than my clothes...”

 

“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean!”, another laugh escaped his lips.

“Anyways, I know that this week you are having a collab between Chanel and peaceminusone. They are going to show their spring collection there as well and well, SooJoo got us free passes to shop for their clothes they are going to release tomorrow, yesterday already. Knowing you, you’d have ripped my head off if I hadn’t got you something from there so here you go-“

 

Seunghyun couldn’t even finish his sentence as he fished out the really expensive jacket, before he had an armful of Jiyong, who was clinging to him tightly and almost screaming a mantra of “ _thank you, thank you, thank you_ ” in his ear out of excitement.  A second later, Jiyong was gone and so was the jacket. The younger one had gotten up from the bed and ran over to the full-length mirror at the other end of the room.

 

The jacket was originally for women, but he knew Jiyong didn’t care about stuff like that. He continued to watch Jiyong, who was still butt naked save for the jacked that was now placed on his shoulders. The jacket itself reminded Seunghyun of a white tie jacket, just that it was white and that the collar was slightly different, then again Seunghyun was really bad at all the terminology used in the world in fashion. All he knew was that the material was white, and that there were huge brooches at the right side, right next to the small lapel. Either way, Jiyong seemed to love it, because he started to pose in front of the mirror in partly hilarious partly hot as hell poses.

 

He was about to walk over to Jiyong, who was still very much naked, and maybe have a round with him, but they got disturbed by Jiyong’s phone. Seunghyun was about to ask Jiyong to ignore it, when the younger one jumped up and rapidly grabbed for his clothes.

 

“-yes, I know. I’m sorry! I will be there as fast as I can, I promise! No, sorry – yes, of course!”

 

 

Before Seunghyun could even ask what was going on, Jiyong was out of the room and pulling up the next pair of jeans he found. He quickly threw on a shirt and ran back to place the jacket back in one of the bags and took all of them with him.

 

“I’m so sorry for leaving in such a hurry, but I completely forgot I need to meet up with Karl for tonight’s show and after party. I will text you as soon as I can and let you know what to wear and when you need to be ready. See you later, Seunghyun!”

 

 

It took him another minute after Jiyong left, to fully understand what the other one had meant. Of course. He had a collaboration between his label and Chanel, how could he forget? Jiyong had been talking about it nonstop when the news first dropped and had been even more excited as fashion week approached. A groan left his lips as he realized he’d be forced to spent time at a stiff collar event. At least that’s how these things felt like to him. He’d have to spent time with people he didn’t really care about, with way too many cameras and paparazzi there, and he wouldn’t be able to have a second for himself. It didn’t matter that they weren’t in Korea right now, even if not many of the Parisian people knew them here, paparazzi really didn’t care. If you were at the VIP after show party of Fashion Week you had to be someone important.

 

It took him another minute to realize that Jiyong had taken _all_ the bags with him, which also meant that he took the vibrating anal plug with batteries _and_ the cock cage with him. Oh, fuck.

Jiyong was probably going to kick his ass. Royally. He wasn’t one who fucked around when working, especially not during a very important meeting with Karl fucking Lagerfeld.

 

He was so dead.

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

For the rest of the day Seunghyun did, what he liked to do best when he was alone.

 

Listen to music, doodle some abstract things and spam his followers on Instagram with random selfies and pictures he had saved on his phone. He really needed to charge his people energy up again, before being brave enough to face an event like that. Sure, he had spend almost every minute with Jiyong or with friends during the past few days, but those were different. Especially Jiyong. They didn’t suck out all his energy and left him completely dry and exhausted. Quiet the contrary.  
Whenever he spends time with Jiyong, it wasn’t a big deal how long they spent time together. He didn’t feel drained, or at least not as much as he did with anyone else. Years of getting used to him and spending way too much time, was probably the cause of this, but Seunghyun really was glad about this.

 

He was about to fall asleep on his bed when he finally got a text from Jiyong.

 

 

 

Jiyong [20:36]

“A driver will pick you up on about an hour.  
Be ready. Oh, and wear that suit I told you  
To bring along.”

 

 

Seunghyun couldn’t read between the lines if Jiyong was pissed, stressed or none of it, which made him feel even more uneasy. He really didn’t want to feel the wrath of the dragon.

He sighed and made his way to his wardrobe, fishing out the outfit Jiyong wanted him to wear and got himself ready for the party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

Before he arrived at the venue or wherever the after party was, Seunghyun had been visited by a stylist, who made sure his hair was perfectly combed and applied quite a lot of makeup on his neck in order to cover the love bites Jiyong had left there during their last night. He couldn’t help but smirk a bit, even as the stylist cursed at him in French.

 

Twenty minutes later he stepped out of the limousine, flashlight greeting him and people up in his face, before the bodyguards – bless their souls – helped him get his way inside without further incidents. Once inside, he felt like he could breathe again, for what seemed like a second, before he spotted Jiyong in a crowd of people. It didn’t matter how many people where in a room, his eyes would always zoom in on the younger one and it usually was really helpful, but this time he wished he hadn’t.

 

The man had his charms turned up to the maximum and was avidly chatting with a handful of people, who were all pressed at his side or holding on to him one way or another. Some of them would clap him playfully on his shoulder or hold their hand there for a few seconds to long to be just a friendlier gesture. Some of them came even closer and cuddled up right next to him in order to take a picture with him and it all made Seunghyun’s blood boil.

 

It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to _this_. He really was by now. Jiyong was, as long as he was out there being G Dragon, a social butterfly. He’d always be around hundreds of people and talk to them about everything and nothing at all at the same time. He would even flirt with them, because he always had liked the attention. But right now? Right now, it felt like a punch in the gut. He didn’t know what had changed, but during their stay in Paris Seungyhun had really hoped that something had had changed between them.

 

He was ready to turn around and hightail out of this party, when Jiyong finally turned around and walked up to him. It almost seemed like he had known the older man was there from the beginning with and stopped in front of him. He was wearing the white Chanel jacket Seunghyun had gotten for him and if he looked closer he also saw that Jiyong had used the pens on his shoes to finish the flower patterns. The younger one was smiling up at him, which a mischievous edge in his eyes. He still didn’t know what to say, but apparently that wasn’t required, because Jiyong simply took his hand in his own, placed something in his hand and was gone within the span of a second.

 

Seunghyun was obviously confused about his behaviour until he finally looked down into his hand.

 

 

It was the remote.

 

 

It was the god damn remote for the anal plug Seunghyung had bought and Jiyong had just placed it in his hand and – oh, if this meant what he thought it meant then this night just made a very interesting turn. He looked up and his eyes once again found Jiyong in a sea of people. This time, he wasn’t looking at Seunghyun, just like before, but he was a bit further away from the people around him.

 

Seungyhun didn’t wait, he immediately pressed at one of the buttons on the remote and started the vibrations of the plug on the lowest setting. His eyes were still trained on the younger one who all of a sudden had clenched up, but was back to his composed posture within a second, but Seungyhun wasn’t to let this chance go. He slowly turned the vibrations up a bit and now he could see a slight tremble in Jiyong’s legs, which the younger one tried to hide by sitting down.

 

The man simply left it at that setting for a while and went in the other direction of Jiyong to get himself a glass of wine. When he returned, he took a seat across from Jiyong, a few meters away for good measure though, so Jiyong wouldn’t be able to spot him immediately.

 

Jiyong was back to talking to a few models, who had swamped around him in the few minutes he had been gone. One of them seemed to be extraordinarily friendly and Seunghyun decided to let Jiyong know that he didn’t appreciate the attention he got from the people around him, he wanted to remind him that he was the one with the remote and no one else.

 

Without giving a warning, he turned up the vibrations to one of the highest level, only to drop back to a low humming level. Jiyong, who had been holding a glass of white wine himself, spilled it all over his left thigh as he all of a sudden clenched up and bit his lips in order to try to hold the moans in. His head snapped up again as the people around him apparently tried to ask him what was wrong, but he didn’t react, his eyes still darting through the room to look for Seunghyun, but apparently not able to find him. The younger man got up from his spot and excused himself for a moment, probably to leave and get the white wine off of his pants. Seunghyun gave him a few minutes before he followed him to one of the restrooms. He slipped inside right behind him and stopped next to one of the sinks, where Jiyong was trying his best to dry his thigh.

 

 

“Are you enjoying the night so far, Jiyong?”, Seunghyun asked in Korean. The good thing about being in Paris was definitely that not everyone was able to understand him. Or the things he would whisper in Jiyong’s ear now.

 

“If I wouldn’t know any better I’d assume you’d try to make me jealous with all these people around you, but then again you gave me the remote so, what do you want Jiyong?”

 

Jiyong had by now dropped the paper towels into the bin next to the sink and was holding onto the edge of the sink, trying to not hump against the hard edge, as the vibrations still pulsates through him, but Seunghyung didn’t back down. Instead, he took Jiyong carefully at his wrist and made their way out of the bathroom, down the corridor that was probably only for the staff, and into one of the storage rooms. He switched the dim light on and closed the door behind them, making sure it was locked before he turned to Jiyong, who was leaning against one of the metallic shelves to not fall to the ground. Only now, Seunghyun saw how done Jiyong was already. Sweat was sticking to his temples, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes were disoriented. But not only that, his breathing was already more of a panting for air than anything else and his legs started to shake as another wave of pleasure caused by the small toy washed through him.

 

The only thing that was a little bit out of place was that Jiyong didn’t seem to grow hard? At least, there was only a small bulge in his pants and nothing like the usual one whenever he was turned on and –

 

Something finally clicked in Seunghyun’s head and a smirk spread across his lips.

 

 

“Oh, you filthy boy. You couldn’t help but try out the new toy, couldn’t you?”

 

The extra heat that shot to Jiyong’s face was enough of an answer for Seunghyun and he approached the younger one with the everlasting smirk on his lips. He carefully placed his hand at the other man’s crotch and smirked even more when he felt something hard right at the base of where usually Jiyong’s dick was. Seunghyun popped open the button on his pants and pulled down the zipper slowly and let the younger man’s pants drop down to his knees.

 

He stepped back a bit to appreciate the view.

 

Jiyong, a panting mess, with sweat rolling down his neck. His legs shaking and cock locked away in a cock cage, with precum dripping from the slit at the front. This was truly a picture painted by the gods themselves and Seunghyun felt himself growing hard.

 

“You aren’t even wearing underwear, are you that much of a slut to get fucked?”

 

A whimper broke away from Jiyong’s lips as his eyes desperately looked up at Seunghyun, begging for something he wasn’t ready to voice.

 

“Oh no, you want something else, don’t you? You don’t want to come, at least not right now. That’s why you looked away your dick like that.”, Seunghyun whispered as he was up in Jiyong’s space again. He reached down to his pants and smirked again when he found what he was looking for – the key that locked away Jiyong’s cock – and it was his now. He carefully lifted the key which was attached to a chain and hang it around his neck and made it disappear behind his dress shirt. 

 

Jiyong had been watching his every move and didn’t dare to move a muscle before Seunghyun told him so. Seunghyun stepped away from Jiyong again, just enough that he was far away to not touch him, but close enough that he was still pressing Jiyong against the shelve with his presence.

 

“You know what to do, be a good boy and get on your knees.”

 

He immediately dropped down, his fingers were shaking as he reached for Seunghyun’s pants and opened the fly. Jiyong was dropping wet, open mouthed kisses along the still clothed shaft and licked at the tip, which apparently wasn’t enough for him, because he pulled back again from Seunghyuns dick and pulled down his pants and underwear in one go and hungrily leaped forward to take his cock in his mouth again. The sight he made was almost enough to make Seunghyun come. The way he’d hold onto his legs for better leverage and suck desperately at his dick like it was the sweetest god damn candy cane he had ever tasted and Seunghyun couldn’t stop himself but grab Jiyong at his hair and thrusted inside his hot mouth. Jiyong didn’t seem to mind, because all he did was opening his mouth further and relaxed his jaw so Seunghyun could keep on thrusting inside his throat. At first, he had tried to hold back and get Jiyong used to the sensation of his dick thrusting in and out of his mouth, but as the seconds past, he couldn’t help himself anymore and fucked his head.

 

Jiyong was a moaning mess by now, saliva was rolling down his mouth and his eyes were filled with tears, but he still held onto Seunghyun’s legs and let his tongue dance over the velvet-like skin on the underside of his dick. He moved his own hips fanatically as Seunghyun decided to set the vibrations of the plug to the highest level, before he dropped the remote onto the ground and pushed Jiyong back against the wall right next to them. The younger man’s back was now fully against the wall and Seunghyun fucked inside his willing mouth with hard thrusts, while Jiyong tried to fuck himself against the plug. Seunghyun was already so fucking close, but as he saw how desperate Jiyong was and almost pathetically tried to fuck himself against the toy, he completely lost it, thrusted into his mouth a few more times before he pulled out and came all over Jiyong’s waiting mouth, who made sure to swallow every drop and catches everything that go on his chin and upper lip with his tongue.

 

He didn’t have the strength to stand up anymore and let himself fall down in front of Jiyong, who was still moaning and whimpering, because the toy was still going strong inside of him. Seunghyun continued to watch for a moment, before he finally decided to show mercy.

 

“You haven’t come yet, right? Well, you have been misbehaving all evening, I don’t think you deserve to come just yet – or better yet, not at all.”

 

A desperate whine escaped his lips and he leaned forward, almost like a cat in heat and pressed his hot body against Seunghyun’s.

 

“You can’t even grow fully hard, can you?”, another desperate whine, followed by sobbing. Seunghyun took a closer look at the younger one and finally gave in. Jiyong had had enough for now. He carefully reached for their pants and dressed themselves again, making sure that Jiyongs make up wasn’t a complete mess and carefully led him outside. Thankfully, the host of the party had thought about sudden leaves and made sure that there were several back doors the guests could leave without paparazzi being up in their faces.

 

Seunghyun lead Jiyong to one of the cars and placed him inside, his legs were still a bit wobbly and he had to hold onto Seunghyun the whole time. He quickly told the driver the address of their hotel and within half an hour they were back in their hotel room, away from the spotlight.

 

Jiyong immediately pressed himself against Seunghyun and they are back in their bed, naked, skin pressed against skin and morning within less than thirty seconds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

When Seunghyun woke up the next day, Jiyong was clinching onto him and it was almost too hot, but he didn’t care one bit. Not when Jiyong had been so good to him last night and had followed every rule he came up with once they were back inside this hotel room. Sure, Jiyong had teased him relentlessly all night, but the way Seunghyun had teased him for the rest of the night, made up for everything he had gone through. 

 

Jiyong’s head was still placed on his chest and he let his hand caress the soft skin on his back, simply enjoying the moment. He felt a little bit of strength coming back into the other man’s body as he stirred awake and cuddled himself further against Seunghyun’s soft skin.

 

“Good Morning, Jiyong.”, Seunghyun said, his voice apparently way too cheerful for Jiyong who pushed his head further into the solid chest and tried to block out his voice with a growl. Seunghyun simply chuckled as he carefully tried to lift his upper body so he could stand up and order food for them, when Jiyong held on even tighter to him and threw his legs around his waist.

 

“Oh my gosh, what are you, 12?” He couldn’t help but laugh at the behaviour of the younger one. Seunghyun fell back into the bed, with Jiyong pressed against his side and simply gave up for the moment. He could order breakfast at a later point as well.

 

 

 

 

Not even a full thirty minutes later, Jiyong was awake.

 

 

“Hyung, I’m hungry.”

 

A groan escaped his lips as Jiyong continued to poke the side of his ribcage.

 

“I wanted to order something half an hour ago, but you wouldn’t let me leave the bed. Now its your turn to get us something to eat.”

 

“..but, Hyung. I’m so sore from last night I can’t even sit properly right now, let alone stand.”

 

Seunghyun knew what the younger one was trying. Whenever he wanted someone else to do something for him, his voice would have a slightly childish undertone and he wouldn’t stop whining until he got what he wanted. This time, Seunghyun was the one who tried to push his head deeper into his cushion, but that didn’t stop Jiyong from poking his sides. He was still laying on his back, with a pillow draped over his face, when Jiyong all of a sudden moved away from him. Seunghyun sighed in relief. Maybe the younger one had finally given up?

 

Oh, how was he mistaking. Not even three seconds later he felt Jiyong’s lips on his stomach and before he even fully realized what was going on Jiyong was already blowing raspberries on his stomach. Within a second Seunghyun was up and trying to push Jiyong off while laughing manically. He was ticklish as hell after all and Jiyong knew that he hated being tickled and Seunghyun knowing that Jiyong knew this, made this all even worse, because the younger one wouldn’t stop. His arms were locked tight around Seunghyun’s slender hips as he blew another raspberry onto his skin.

 

“No, no, please stop! I can’t anymore!”, he was nearly chocking on air by this point. Seunghyun had tried his best to curl himself into a ball, but didn’t succeed with Jiyong still attached to his hip. He tried to kick the younger one away, but even that seemed to not succeed.

 

“Will you get me breakfast from the café down the street?”

 

“Wait, down the street I thou- OKAY, OKAY WILL GET IT FOR YOU JUST STOP THIS TORUTRE!”

 

But Jiyong didn’t stop. Not until he at least tried it one more time until he apparently had used up all his strength and plopped back onto the warm comforter. Seunghyun was completely out of breath by this point and his skin was still tickling with the sensation of Jiyong’s lips on them and it wouldn’t _stop_. Oh, he definitely would get his revenge one way or another that was for sure.

 

When he finally got dressed and ready to leave he realized how late it already was. Had they really slept in until afternoon? About twenty minutes later he came back to their room with an arm full of delicious smelling baguettes, croissants and everything else he could grab.

 

Jiyong was still curled up under the blanket and only peaked out from under the soft walls he had built up, when he smelled the delicious food.

 

“Here you go, princess. Hope you enjoy your meal before we have to get ready.”

 

The younger one was about to take a bite from a croissant when he stopped and looked at the other one.

 

“Get ready? For what?”

 

“The second show you got invited to? Don’t you remember?”

 

Jiyong groaned and let himself fall back onto the bed.

 

“Hyung, I wasn’t lying when I said I was still sore. I don’t think I can go..but SooJoo would be so mad when I leave her alone tonight, don’t you want to go for me instead?”

 

“There is no way in hell I-, Jiyong no, don’t even try to win me over with your damn puppy eyes, they absolute do not work on me, you can totally forget that!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuck him and his adorable puppy eyes.”, Seunghyun growled as yet another stylist applied makeup to his face and neck. Jiyong hadn’t backed down and when he started to whine and moan as if he was in pain and when he started to talk nonsense in that stupid childlike voice of his- Seunghyun was never good at saying no to Jiyong anyways. Another fashion show it was. This time, he knew he would have to pay special attention to the models, because even though Jiyong wouldn’t be able to be there he would have to tell him in great detail, what the next season would bring.

 

 

 

“Seungyhun! What are you doing here? I thought Jiyong would be the one coming tonight, not that I am not happy to see you, too.”

 

SooJoo had immediately walked up to him as soon as she had spotted him in the crowd of people. He had a backstage ticket, which was originally for Jiyong who would chat with SooJoo and take a closer look at the new outfits, but for him it wasn’t really that much of a big deal. Seunghyun actually felt out of place and didn’t know where he should stand without standing in the way of the designer or stylists.

 

“He doesn’t really feel good, I think he ate something bad, but he really didn’t want to leave you alone, which is why I am here now.”, Seunghyun said with a smile.

 

“Uh-hu..and the lovebites on your neck have nothing to do with him not being able to walk- I mean, with him being able to be here?”, SooJoo retorted with a sly smirk on her lips.

 

Seunghyun knew that there was no way out and simply blushed a bit.

 

 

“Anyways, why don’t you take a seat. It’s going to get really hectic back here in about a minute and you can get yourself comfortable! They even have great wine here tonight.”

 

 

Seunghyun was really grateful for SooJoo sometimes. Even though she really liked to party, whenever they were out with her, she would always keep an eye on Seunghyun and make sure that he had a save place where he could go to when he needed a moment for himself. With a small smile he silently thanked her and left the backstage area, only to sit down at the front row of the catwalk. It felt good to finally sit down and breath for a second, before one of the waiters approached him and offered him a drink.

 

He really needed one, which is why he gladly took the glass of red and was back in his own personal bubble, not really caring about the things going on around him and only waited for the show to start. Sadly, a lot of people – especially women – liked the way he looked. Even though many western women seemed to have a certain hesitance when it came to Asian men, he always seemed to be the expectation, which was why it didn’t take long for one of them to come up to him.

 

“Hello there, handsome. May I sit?”

 

Seunghyun really wasn’t in the mood to deal with this right now, but his mother had sadly trained him well during his childhood, which is why he just couldn’t tell her to fuck off and simply nodded. Maybe she just wanted to sit down? He really doubted that, but then again why not hope?

 

All his hopes were thrown out of a window and buried six feet under when she sat down next to him and let one of her heeled legs brush against the side of his own leg – the tip of her, probably ridiculously expensive Manolos, drawing small circles against it. Seunghyun tried his best to subtly tell the women to get lost, but when the other guests sat down everything got really full within a few minutes and the women seemed to take it as an invitation to scoot even closer to Seunghyun.

 

“My name is Jasmine, by the way – and your name is?”

 

Seunghyun didn’t even react when she asked him. The lights were being turned off and the show finally began, but that didn’t seem to stop the women. Instead of leaving him alone, Seunghyun felt a hand on his thigh and that’s when he decided he had enough. Carefully, but harsh enough, he pushed her hand back and tried to concentrate on the models and waited for SooJoo’s turn, but the women continued to press herself against him and his patience was slowly growing thin.

 

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me you think fashion is more interesting than I am, or are you gay?”

 

He continued to stare at the catwalk, truing to blend out the annoying voice right next to him, which was easier than he thought, because his English wasn’t as good as he liked it to be. What was harder to ignore was the constant present of the warm body next to him and right now all he wished for was for that women next to him to disappear. Seunghyun scooted as far as he could in this cramped place away from this woman, crossed his legs over another and placed his hands in his lap.

The models continued to walk over the catwalk in the most colourful outfits Seunghyun had seen in a long time and he even chuckled at one or two, because he knew Jiyong would definitely love them and end up buying them. His chuckling stopped when he felt the hand on his thigh again, creeping closer and closer until the women actually started to grope him at his crotch.

 

This time, he seriously had enough and pushed her hand back and glared at her.

 

“Playing hard to get? Such an handsome man like you must get a lot of attention-“

 

“I am only going to say this once. Leave me alone. I am not interested.”, his voice was a deep growl, but he still tried to keep his calm. The only problem was that he really valued his personal space and absolutely disliked it when people he didn’t know disturbed it.

 

The women seemed to finally get that she wasn’t going to get anything from Seungyhun and finally backed off. Seunghyun could still smell her cheap smelling perfume on his skin and it made him sick. He just wanted to get home and take a shower and curl into bed with hopefully Jiyong there. The lights on stage changed again, the room was pitch black by now and all of a sudden everything got too much for Seunghyun. He felt a heavy presence pressing down on his chest and his breathing got heavier as the seconds went on. He tried to concentrate on a specific point at the room, but everything was dark and he couldn’t see anything properly. It got only worse when the lights were switched back on again, because the light show was too much and the mass of people in the room were too much and fuck, Seunghyun felt the all too familiar numbness in his toes and fingers as the panic approached and he needed to get out.

 

Fuck this panic disorder he wanted to be there, because Jiyong couldn’t be there, he wanted to tell him all about the outfits, he couldn’t let him down like this, he-

 

Another wave of sheer panic flooded his system and he knew he had to get out of there. Within a minute he stumbled his way backstage and finally found and emergency exit. Some of the staff looked after him, tried to ask him what was wrong, but he was too fast for them and already out of the door. His heartbeat was still so fast in his chest as if he had been running a god damn marathon and he couldn’t calm down on his own. He quickly reached down into his pocket and fished out his tranquilizer and quickly let a dozen of drops drop into his mouth. The taste was bitter on his tongue and he hated it, but the drops usually helped him immediately so there was no way around it.

He walked down the street and hailed a cap – at least luck seemed to be on his side when it came to this, because one drove up to him within a minute – and made his way back to the hotel.

 

When he finally stepped out of the elevator, which lead him to his hotel room, he felt the bodily impact the panic attack had had on him. Seunghyun felt tired and drained, not only his body felt like he was carrying around bricks, but his mind too. He just wanted to sleep.  
He opened the door with his key car and quickly but quietly made his way back into the room.

 

“Seunghyun? You are already back?”

 

He heard the soft voice of Jiyong, but right now he was on autopilot. Seunghyun loosened the tie around his neck, which felt more like it was suffocating him right now than anything else, and let it drop to the ground along with his jacket and kicked off his dress shoes. He quietly made his way over to the bathroom, not paying much attention to Jiyong who had walked up to him to see what was going on.

Seunghyun opened his pants and let them fall to his ground, pulling down his underwear as well and let everything fall down. Within another minute he was naked and stood under the warm spray of the shower head and let his head hang down low. He felt like shit.

Sure, he was used to people touching him, but tonight coupled with the panic attack, it seemed so much worse than it probably was. He felt like the perfume was still sticking to him and he wanted nothing more than to scrub it off, but he hadn’t had the energy left to do anything, but let the silent tears fall down from his face and join the rest of the water that was flowing down the drain.

 

Suddenly, warm hands were placed on his sides and he knew immediately that it was Jiyong who was joining him. His skinny arms pressed around his waist tightly and hugged him close to his naked chest and that was the moment Seunghyun had had enough. He knelt down on the ground, no longer wanting to stand, and let the tears and sobs out. Jiyong was right beside him, still holding onto him and caressing his skin in gentle movements, singing a slow tune to calm him down.

 

He didn’t know how long they sat there, but at one-point Jiyong helped him up and dried him with the softest towel he could find and guided him to their bed and laid him down. A minute later Jiyong had shut off the lights and joined him in bed, cuddling close to Seunghyun and never letting go of him as Seunghyun buried his face in his chest.

 

 

Seunghyun just wanted the evening to end, and, having Jiyong there to pick him up again, was the best ending he could have for such an evening. He pushed his leg between Jiyong’s and pulled him even closer against him. They were still naked and normally he’d use this opportunity to jump him and normally Jiyong would do so, too, but when he looked at Jiyong this time, he saw nothing but pure ..pure- what? Seungyhun couldn’t quite place the emotion, but he decided he really didn’t care right now and simply closed his eyes again and let Jiyong hug him against his chest.

 

The smell of the cheap perfume was finally gone and all he could smell was the calming scent of Jiyong.

 

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 


	4. Act l: Part lll

 

* * *

* * *

 

n.  _A kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxiety, but always ends up cracking under tpressure of hollowed out by time – and will keep growing back until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses._

* * *

 

 

_n. The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like – as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind._

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coping with the aftermatch of a panic attack was always hard, especially when Seunghyun had a complete breakdown like the one he had suffered from the previous night. His eyes would be swollen from crying so much, his throat would normally be sore from either the alcohol or the sobbing and his whole body would feel like shit.

This time, it wasn’t much different when it came to the bodily symptoms.

A huge difference was the feeling of security he had, though.

His thoughts would continue to chase him through the night and they would catch up to him once he was awake and come back even stronger than the night before, but this time, he was calm. Sure, his head was pounding and he felt dyhedrated from crying so much, but he felt warm and nice and there were still arms wrapped aroun him – almost as if they were trying to shield him from all the bad out there or the monsters inside his head.

Jiyong was already awake and looking at him again, just like he had done it the night before. His features were soft and he was playing with the other man’s hair.

“You’re already awake.”

It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Almost as if Seunghyun didn’t quiet understand the situation they were in. Jiyong simply nodded his head – never stopping the soothing movement of his hand through the silky strands. His eyes were red and puffy as well and it made Seunghyun think. Had he cried as well? Hadn’t he had enough sleep? Had something happened to him before he came home and Seunghyun simply hadn’t noticed because he was too lost in his own thoughts? Panic suddenly rushed through him as he continued to look at him.

“Couldn’t sleep, stop worrying so much, Hyung. You know I always sleep better when Iye is purring next to me.”

Oh, right. His cat.

Jiyong had more than once cried on tour because he had missed his cat, why should it be any different when they were in Paris? He dearly loved that little fur ball, even though the little devil used his claws to greet his owner.

“How are you feeling right now?”

 

His stroking movement stopped, his eyes were back on him and clearly concerned.

“I’m feeling a lot better than last night, you staying with me through it helped a lot, thank you Jiyongie.”, said Seunghyun - heat was already shooting to his cheeks, but he felt like he really owed his leader. Normally, he’d wallow in self pity by now and be moody for the rest of the day, but right now he actually felt good. Really good, all thanks to the other naked man in his bed.

 

Naked.

 

Oh, right.

 

 

They didn’t change into clothes again last night after their shower.

As if on cue, it seemed that Jiyong also got aware of their naked skin pressing against one another and Seunghyun could swear he saw a blush spreading on his cheeks, down his neck and even his chest, before Jiyong jumped out of the bed, mumbled a quick “I’ll go take a shower”, before slamming the bathroom door shut behind him. Seungyhun sometimes didn’t understand Jiyong. One second, he’d be butt naked in front of the older one – on his knees begging to be fucked in the most open and vulnerable positions – and then, in a complete different situation would turn into a tomato and become this almost shy, cute man. He really didn’t know what triggered this behavior, but it was confusing.

  
The shower went off in the other room and Seunghyun decided that it was time to get up as well. Even though, they hadn’t had anything planned for their last day in Paris, he still wanted to see a little bit of the city and enjoy his last day off, before getting back to the hectic streets of Seoul he called home. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his home, it just meant that he would be thrust back into a really tight schedule and back into the world of being an A Level celebrity and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that again. He’d have to be T.O.P again, and not Choi Seunghyun.  
Another disadvantage would be, that Jiyong would most likely go back to be his stage persona G Dragon. During the past few days he had seen the carefree, happy side of him again he hadn’t seen since a few years ago. Sure, it would sometimes show during their less hectic moments, but these moments had been so rare it was sometimes hard to tell if Jiyong was still the same person he had been ever since they became friends, or if his stage persona had claimed all of his personality, because sometimes, he wasn’t sure if he liked what Jiyong had become – or at least, what he was showing the world he had become. A superstar who could drink, fuck and party the night away. Someone, who could buy a house, clothes, expensive cars, whatever, with a snap of his fingers. Someone, who could get anyone in a heartbeat.

Someone, who didn’t need him anymore.

Going back to Seoul would mean, going back to all this again.

Seunghyun shook his head. He didn’t want to think about all this, not after the days he had spend with Jiyong. Not with the way the younger one had been behaving the past few days with him. Something had started to bloom between them, he could clearly feel it during their time together and it was almost as if something was bleeding through Jiyong whenever he was looking at him. He knew he couldn’t hope for love, yet, that would be too soon and he didn’t want to scare the younger one – but he hoped that they could at least talk about whatever was going on between them.

It would be a start, maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Jiyong got out of the bathroom, Seunghyun was already dressed and ready to go. The younger one was only wearing a towel which was wrapped around his slender hips and one draped over his shoulders.

“Where are you going?”

 

“You mean ‘we’.”

 

“We?”

 

“Oui.”, Seunghyun deadpanned. Jiyong couldn’t help but grin, before he turned back to his suitcase and pulled out a fresh pair of boxers. This time around he hadn’t had any qualms when it came to changing in front of Seunghyun – he simply dropped his towel and pulled on the new pair.

 

“Okay, where are ‘we’ going?”

 

“Oh, that’s a surprise.”

 

Jiyong turned around and looked at the older one, slightly squinting his eyes at him.

 

“Do I even want to know what you have planned, Choi?”

 

The truth was, Seunghyun had had enough of whatever it was that they had between them. He wanted to show Jiyong what it would mean to actually date Choi Seunghyun, how happy he could make him and how sweet he always was with the person he loved. He actually wanted to court the younger one and simply hoped for the best.

While Jiyong had taken his time in the bathroom after he had dashed out like that, Seungyhun had called SooJoo and Jack and asked them to prepare a little something for him, which they all too gladly did. The original plan for a picnic might have been the most romantic one, but with the weather being as cold as it currently was, it was not likely to happen. His other plan did involve food as well, but this time home cooked. The couple was going to fly back to their second home in a few hours, meaning their flat in Paris was free for the rest of the day – meaning Seunghyun could use it for his own good. A home cooked meal was a thousand times better than a picnic, especially when it was as cold as balls outside.

Seunghyun smirked as Jiyong continued to watch him warily. He didn’t want to spoil his surprise for the other one. A while later, Jiyong was finally dressed and ready to go. They made their way over to one of the local markets – Seungyhun already knew what he wanted to prepare for the younger one (Ratatouille, Hachis Parmentier with an amazing bottle of Pinot Noir and, even though it is stereotypical, but oh well they are in Paris after all, Crêpe as dessert), he just needed the suiting ingredients. Jack had placed the spare key under the door mat in front of their flat. He had also talked to their doormen so Seunghyun and Jiyong would be let inside the complex without any problems.  

It didn’t take long for them to find one of the local markets – the weather was cold as usual and just like last time Seunghyun and Jiyong had walked next to each other, Jiyong had slipped one of his hands into the pocket of Seunghyun’s wintercoat and let his cold fingers be warmed by the other’s hand. An adorable smile graced Jiyong’s features as Seunghyun shot a smirk at him – his cheeks were either red from the cold or because of the way the latter looked at him. Seunghyun sincerely hoped it was because of the second.

When they finally reached the flat, carrying bags filled with groceries and their teeth clattering from the cold, Jiyong was the first one to make himself comfortable on the couch and curled himself up underneath a fluffy blanket SooJoo had left there. Seunghyun simply shook his head at the younger one with a faint smile on the lips and placed the bag on the kitchen counter. He shrugged of his Jacked, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and started to work right away.

Seunghyun had just finished washing the vegetables and prepared to cut them into tiny pieces, when he felt skinny arms wrap around his waist from behind and held onto him tightly.

 

“Finally defrosted, Captain America?”

 

“Oh, shut up, Seunghyun!”, Jiyong laughed while he presses his face against the back of Seunghyun’s back and shoulder.

 

“You have been watching too many Marvel movies with Daesung, haven’t you?”

 

“I might have, but I actually really wanted to know if you are feeling better now or still cold?”

 

Seunghyun felt the younger man’s hands through his shirt on his skin – they weren’t as cold as they used to ten minutes ago, but they weren’t warm either.

“You know what, give me a few more minutes and let me finish here and I will join you on the couch and help you warm up a bit, the vegetables have to cook for fifteen minutes anyways.”

Jiyong didn’t really answer, but made a noise of approval, before he squeezed closer to Seungyhun and eventually let go. God, he was so adorable sometimes.

When Seunghyun was finally done with everything and had set the timer to fifteen minutes, Jiyong was already sitting on the couch waiting for him. As soon as he saw him approaching him, the younger one opened his arms and looked up at him, waiting for him to come closer and hug him. Seungyhun was by his side within seconds, pulling the blanket over both of them and pressing Jiyong close to his body – his head was buried in the crook of his shoulder, the cold nose pressing against the thin skin of his throat, and his arms once more wrapper around his upper body.

It felt awfully domestic right at that moment – Jiyong in his arms, cuddled up against him with his arms around him, a thick blanket around them and Seunghyun pulling him even closer.

Just after Seungyhun had left butterfly kisses at Jiyong’s forehead the younger one looked up.

 

“Hey there.”, his voice was quiet and soft, much like his features right now as he was gazing up at him.

 

“Hey there, yourself.”

 

Seunghyun didn’t know what he had done, but Jiyong lightened up at it and smiled at him so brightly with his characteristically gummy smile and bit his lower lip – drawing Seunghyun’s attention from his beautiful eyes to his tempting lips.

Jiyong brought their foreheads together and playfully rubbed the tips of their noses together and couldn’t stop giggling while doing so. The older one loved how playful Jiyong sometimes got when it was just the two of them and how easy it was to tease him and annoy him. Seunghyun knew exactly how to push Jiyong’s buttons whenever they were alone and so did Jiyong, but right at this moment – he felt like he didn’t know what to do at all. His heart was beating so fast in his chest it felt like it was going to explode at any given moment and his thoughts were razing.  
Was Jiyong still convinced that they were only friends? Would this finally change his mind? Would he allow it to happen? Would he run away?

  


Before his thoughts could cheapen the mood, he felt soft lips on his own and his mind went blank. Jiyong was kissing him softly – mot like the other times where he would press his lisp against his own in a demanding, almost forcing way, no – this time it was almost shy in a way it had never been before. Not even when they first slept with each other – they had been way too drunk and too eager to take their time anyways.

 

 

Jiyong had started to move – sitting in Seunghyun’s lap now with his hands cradling his jaw and caressing his cheeks with his thumbs, causing the butterflies in Seunghyun’s stomach to go crazy and even his head started to spin in a very, very pleasant way. He finally regained some movement back into his own body and placed his hands on the other one’s hips, while playfully biting Jiyong’s lips to pull him even closer so he could lean back against the couch. Jiyong went with him – a pleased sigh left his lips as he locked one arm behind Seunghyun’s head and the other one continued to caress his jaw and drew soothing circles into his skin.  
Seunghyun got so caught up in the moment – the way Jiyong slowly touched him, took his time and how soft his movements where – it almost felt as if he was floating.

 

His hands started to move up and down the other’s side, getting greedier on a steady pace and Jiyong took that as the perfect time to slip is tongue between his lips and traced his upper lip – drawing it back as soon as Seunghyun wanted to play with it. They broke away for a second – Jiyong smiling down cheekily at him – before they re-joined again. This time, their kiss wasn’t as innocent as the first one, it was filled with passion and longing and Jiyong’s tongue played along his own lips again, this time allowing Seunghyun to slip his own tongue against it for a second before Jiyong pulled back again completely.  
The older man had enough of the mischievous smirk Jiyong threw at him tauntingly and raised his hands from his hips to Jiyong’s jaw, cradling his face in return and pulling him against his own so he could finally kiss him properly. Their mouths fit together perfectly and finally their tongues started to fight for dominance as well – their breathing had long turned into panting, and they were breathing each other’s air. Seunghyun was about to lose it when Jiyong started to shallowly rotate his hips against his own – delicious friction sending bolts of pleasure through his veins – and pulled away for a millisecond only to latch his lips against his throat, licking and biting against the side of his neck. As much as Seunghyun enjoyed the ministration of his leader, he decided that it was about time he took some control of the situation.

He was about to grab the other man’s hands and pin him down to the couch when – the god damn alarm on his phone went off, signalling them that their food was done.

 

 

With a frustrated groan Jiyong let go of his neck and unwillingly stood up, not bothering to hide the noticeable tent in his pants at all, and sulked a bit at the situation. Seunghyun, whose head was still spinning a bit from their heated make-out session could only laugh at his leader.

 

 

“Oh, come on. Let’s eat a bit – we can still make out like teenagers afterwards.”

 

This seemed to please Jiyong, because he lunged forward and placed one last kiss on his lips before skipping off to the kitchen with a broad smile on his lips.

 

 

When Seunghyun didn’t follow him immediately, Jiyong stuck his head out of the kitchen.

 

“Come on Hyung, get in here or I will eat everything on my own!”

 

 

 

After they had eaten the first dish and started to prepare the second one or even the final one, Seunghyun once again got reminded how utterly useless Jiyong was in the kitchen. He wanted to flip the crêpe, but it ended up sticking to the ceiling and eventually came down again, landing on Jiyong’s head and Seunghyun had to turn away and pretend to do something else, otherwise he would have burst out laughing and he really didn’t want to laugh at Jiyong who was near hot oil and already glaring daggers at him.

 

 

Afterwards, they had dragged themselves from the dining area back to the couch and neither of them wanted to move – too full of good food and too lazy to move a single muscle. All they had managed was Jiyong curling up against Seunghyun again, while Seunghyun had thrown an arm around his shoulder.

 

“God, I am so full, I am not going to move for the rest of the day – preferably until we have to get to the airport tomorrow.”

 

“Too bad that we still have something planned.”

 

“Wait, what? Stuffing me with delicious food isn’t enough pampering for the day?”, Jiyong smirked up at him.

 

“Okay, first of all – you love being pampered. It’s your favourite thing in the world you little diva – “, a small poke to his ribs caused Jiyong to stifle a giggle, “- secondly, I know how much of a sucker you are for the most cliché Parisian things, so yes, we still have something else to do this evening.”

 

“You are not going to tell me, are you?”  


“Nope, not a chance.”

 

 

 

 

 

“You are taking me to see a movie?”

 

 

Seunghyun had not said a word on their way through the streets of Paris, even though Jiyong had apparently found his inner five-year-old child again, which resulted in an endless loop of “Are we there soon?” and “Where are you taking me?” and, his personal favourite, “Hyung, if you are not going to tell me you will sleep alone tonight!”, which he knew was a lie, because Jiyong had been glued to his side throughout the whole trip.

 

 

“Yes, I am – and you will probably love this one.”

 

Jiyong looked up at him with a frown on his face.

 

“But, neither of us are fluent in French?”

 

“It has English subtitles you dummie, do you seriously think I’d drag you to see a movie neither of us understand?”

 

“Well, there was that one time, you wanted to see _The third Man_ and-“

 

Seunghyun playfully whacked him on the back of his head.

“Hey, I learned from my mistakes – besides, the soundtrack was amazing you can’t deny that.”

 

 

Jiyong simply chuckled at that and pulled the older man into the theatre, already beaming with excitement.

 

“So, what are we gonna watch?”

 

“Amélie – I know you haven’t seen that one yet and you always said you wanted to see it. Plus, I already watched it and you will love it.”

 

“Seriously?”, Jiyong’s face lightened up at that.

 

“Yes, seriously – now go sit down and be quiet the movie will start soon.”

 

 

 

Seunghyun almost had to laugh when Jiyong eagerly sat down, his eyes already darting towards the canvas. Everyone always teased him about being a giant child, but in moments like these he sometimes wished people would tease Jiyong as much as they teased him. At least he hadn’t gone through a phase of collection all the Spongbob Squarepants merchandise he could find and would even run around at him wearing everything at once and even being _proud_ of his achievement. Whatever. Seunghyun was the man-child of the both of them and he could gladly live with it – he knew Jiyong was as much of a child as he was and that was enough for him.

As soon as he sat down, Jiyong took his arm and put it around him, snuggling up to the other man’s chest and made himself comfortable. At first, he wanted to comment on it, but decided against it and simply enjoyed the moment – breathing in the other man’s scent like he usually did in these quiet moments.  
It wasn’t long until the room got dark and the movie started.

 

 

 

During the movie, Jiyong had more than once reached out for Seunghyun – be it a faint chuckle leaving his lips and him pressing their hands slightly harder against one another, or whenever something happened in the movie the younger one apparently thought was cute he would turn towards Seunghyun and press his lips slightly against his neck only to pull back again and rest it against his shoulder. It was endearing and send slight jolts of pleasure through Seunghyun’s body.

By the end of the movie Seunghyun’s arm had gone numb, because Jiyong had been using it as a makeshift cushion throughout the movie and had it pressed against his chest.

They were just leaving the theatre again, when Jiyong let go of Seunghyun’s hand and ran a couple of steps in front of him, only to turn around sending a devilish smirk towards him and Seunghyun knew immediately what was going to happen again.

 

Jiyong didn’t wait  - he turned around and darted down the dark streets of Paris – and didn’t even look back to the older man, to see if he would be following him or not, he didn’t need to.

 

 

The game was on.

 

 

Seunghyun immediately jogged after Jiyong – leaving a little bit of space between them, knowing very well that he was way faster than the younger one, thanks to his longer legs, but not wanting to cheapen their race. It was different than the last time they had don’t this though – last time, he was blind with desire and already sporting a raging hard-on – this time around, it was much more playful. Not quite innocent, not with the look the younger one had thrown in his direction before running off like that, but it was easier to concentrate on the playfulness of the game happening between them this time around. Just like last time Jiyong would stop, turn around and throw another suggestive smirk at Seunghyun, before catching his breath again and running off again whenever Seunghyun was within arm’s reach, not letting the other one touch him, but provoke him even more – and Seunghyun hated the fact that Jiyong was under his skin so much that it was working on him. He could feel the blood pumping through his veins and the adrenaline shooting through his body – his own heartbeat was pounding in his ribcage – it was like something animalistic was awakening in him, something he hadn’t felt throughout his whole life before, and it was probably the best feeling in the world. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this free – no troubling thoughts, no anxiety, no depression – only Jiyong smirking at him, taunting him and luring him in, only to slip away between his fingers, before he could get a hold of him.

The older one hadn’t been paying attention to their surroundings at all, until he felt the ground underneath his feet shift and he couldn’t hear the hard noises of his soles hitting the asphalt. Seunghyun finally took a moment to take in his surroundings and was surprised that he was standing in the middle of a part – the park was only flooded with faint light, lampions drowning the part and into an orange light, making it seem warmer than it actually was he couldn’t stop looking around him – the scene was utterly breath-taking.

A small creek was not far from where he stood – behind the creek, lampions illuminated the scene and next to where the water was flowing, right and left, there were round, mirrored plates – reflecting the orange light perfectly. It almost felt like a scene out of a movie.

When he looked the other way, Seunghyun saw even more lamps, but this time he couldn’t help but smirk – they looked exactly like the pixar lamp during their intro, but these were read instead and placed across the field on the other side.

 

He was still marvelling the beauty of this place when he heard Jiyong speak behind him.

 

 

“It’s beautiful – isn’t it?”

 

 

Seunghyun immediately turned around and he swore he felt his heart stop at that moment. He had always known that Jiyong was beautiful and that nothing in this world could make him even more ethereal than he already was – but for some reason when he looked at Jiyong this time around he felt like someone knocked the wind out of his lungs and he couldn’t help but stare. He was standing right in front of the creek, the lampions behind him spending just enough light for Seunghyun to see Jiyong just fine, and the faint blush on his cheeks. The wind danced around them and he felt light headed, it was as if an invisible force pulled him towards the younger one and didn’t stop him, before he was standing a few millimetres away from him, making Jiyong crane his beautiful neck so he could look up at the taller man.

Carefully, not to break their special moment he took a hold of Jiyong’s face with both of his hands and let his thumbs caress the other one’s cold cheeks-

 

 

“Beautiful, indeed.”

 

 

-before he leaned forward, closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Jiyong’s.

 

They had already kissed a thousand times and even more often during their stay in Paris, but this time, Seunghyun really felt like fireworks were going off inside him and around them. It was exciting, like hot electricity running through his veins and it felt like time was stopping for him. The kiss deepened in whatever was going on between them in that moment, when Jiyong leaned back against him and returned the kiss – shy nibbling at the other’s lips, the soft caress of tongues slipping against one another as they continued to kiss, not daring to break it off, not even when Jiyong slipped his cold hands in the inside of Seunghyun’s coat and pressed their bodies close.

 

After what seemed like hours, and only a few seconds at the same time they slowly pulled away from each other – not daring to break eye contact and their foreheads pressed against one another.

 

 

 

“Wanna go home?”

 

Jiyong answered with another earth-shattering kiss before he ran off again, towards their hotel.

 

 

 

 

 

The door closed behind them and they slowly shed off the thick layers of their coats and scarves and toed off their shoes. Jiyong immediately went over to the bottle of red, the staff must have brought to their room when they were gone and poured two glasses of wine. A second later, slow, but entrancing music was flooding the nearly empty room and Seunghyun felt like he was dying the best possible death once again, when Jiyong walked towards him – hips swaying – and offering him the glasses.

Seunghyun didn’t have to say anything, but wordlessly took the glass in his hand and took a sip from it. Jiyong did the same, but continued to look at Seunghyun – his eyes were shining and the faint smile had never left his lips during their walk home. A few seconds passed, a short moment, before Jiyong took the glass from Seunghyun again, placed them at a table and pulled Seunghyun further into the room.

 

“Dance with me.”, he whispered, before Seunghyun felt his thin arms around his neck, hands playing with the short strands of hair at the back of his neck, and as if he was being mined controlled his own hands wrapped around Jiyong’s waste – his body swaying to the faint music around them.

 

It was as if they were in an old movie, Seunghyun thought. The music, the wine, Paris, everything. It was the perfect night and he couldn’t be happier with spending it with the person he loved the most. It wasn’t long before he felt tears forming in his eyes, but he tried to blink them away – he didn’t want Jiyong to think he wasn’t enjoying himself, quite the contrary, he was feeling happier than he had ever felt before – and Jiyong seemed to sense that his tears weren’t tears of sadness, but happiness, because he wordlessly pulled the older man closer and kissed them away.

 

“Come with me.”, his voice was soft and just above a whisper, as Jiyong pulled him towards their bed.

 

He was about to say something, when Jiyong shushed him and kissed his lips.

 

“No more words tonight, Seunghyun. I just want to feel you.”

 

 

If he hadn’t felt like he wasn’t going to explode before, Seunghyun definitely felt like he was going to now. Jiyong’s words send waves of molten heat through him and he couldn’t hold back any longer. He kissed Jiyong again, pressing him against the soft cushions of their bed with his body, not letting the other slip away again, like he had been so many times before this evening. He could already feel how excited the younger one was, pushing against him with need and letting Seunghyun play with him with his tongue like a skilled musician with his violin – only that the sounds of pleasure Seunghyun drew out of his lips, were far more hypnotising and breath-taking than any composition ever could be.

Eager hands slipped to his shirt and opened it, one button at a time, not breaking their kiss, until all of them were finally undone and Seunghyun felt Jiyong’s fingers on his naked skin, pulling the shirt completely off of him and throwing it to the side, before craning his neck so he could attach his lips to his chest. It seemed like, that wasn’t enough for Jiyong, because he wrapped his slender legs around Seunghyun’s waste and turned them around with his body. Seunghyun’s back hit the soft comforter of their bed, his hair was a total mess – sticking in every direction – and his lips were already swollen in a delicious red from their kissing and his cheeks were burning, when Jiyong looked down on him as if he was prey and his predator finally got what he wanted.  


Lips were back on his own, hands were roaming his body and the dizziness was back and got even more intense when Jiyong lowered himself to his neck and licked along the sensitive column of his neck and a moan escaped his lips. The heat between them was growing thicker, but neither of them seemed to want to rush this moment as Jiyong trailed butterfly kisses down his neck and played with the hardened skin of his nipples.

 

Seunghyun finally had a moment to catch his breath when Jiyong leaned back, only for the younger to pull off his own shirt, causing Seunghyun to forget how to breath once again.

  
They continued to kiss, lick and touch each other until they were completely naked – Seunghyun had turned them around again and was now pressed against him, skin against skin, their bodies already damp from sweat and their panting echoing in their ears. Jiyong was so close against his body that it was almost hard to kiss one another, but they somehow made it work.  
  
Carefully, Seunghyun parted from Jiyong – leaning back on his legs and looking at Jiyong once again, he couldn’t get enough of him. His face was beet-red and the fine hairs at the temple’s of his head were already sticking to his beautiful face – his eyes were almost black, the iris’ blown wide with desire and his body curving softly against the white sheets – he was truly the most alluring, magnificent and fascinating person, Seunghyun had ever laid eyes on. He quickly took the bottle of lube, which was still underneath their pillows, warmed it up and eased his hand between Jiyong’s parted thighs.

 

“You ready?”, he didn’t even know why he asked, they had had sex so many times by now, he probably wouldn’t really need to prepare him anyways, but he still felt the need to.

 

“Yes”, Jiyong answered with a shy smile, biting his lower lip when Seunghyun entered the first two fingers. This time, it was the older man’s turn to leave kisses along the heated skin before him. Drawing out moans and gasps of pleasure as he bit down on his nipples and played with them with his tongue until they were red and swollen – Jiyong was already breathless and had buried his hands in Seunghyun’s hair – pulling him into another kiss.

 

“Please, I’m ready.”, his voice was hoarse and held so much desperation in it, Seunghyun didn’t think twice, before he withdrew his hand and positioned himself between Jiyong’s legs. He pulled one up and placed it over his shoulder, gripping the smaller man’s hips as he slowly entered him. Jiyong’s breathing was already laboured and moans started to fall from his lips as Seunghyun started to move his hips in even motions, exactly knowing how to move them in order to drive Jiyong mad with delicious friction and by the way he was already clawing at his back and trashing his head from side to side, he was doing everything right.

He was about to pick up the pace, knowing that Jiyong always liked it hard, when the younger one put his hands on his hips and stopped him, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

 

“Please, do it slow – I want to feel _you._ ”

 

Seunghyun was taken aback by the request, but didn’t deny him. He continued to move against him, inside him, enjoying the sparks of pleasure running through his body whenever he pushed deeper into Jiyong. It was different than any other time they had had sex before, this time around it was much deeper, much closer than anything before – it almost felt like they were _making love_.

The older men could feel Jiyong’s hot breath – air rushing out of his mouth in harsh pants and curses, whenever he hit the right place or when his mouth would find his way back to his nipples and play with them – against his neck, against his lips. The heat was almost getting too much to bear, but he didn’t dare to pull back – instead, he took one of Jiyong’s hands and entwined them with his own, lining up the smiley tattoo Jiyong had gotten a while ago with his own scar, and kissing him again and again until he felt the younger man’s muscles contract tighter and tighter, until he felt the precum coating his stomach and Jiyong’s, until he finally cried out in ecstasy and came over both of their chests, wave after wave covering them until he was too sensitive and his body started to shake from pleasure – only then did Seunghyun let go, pushing into him one, two, three more times until he hit his own orgasm and collapsed on top of the younger one.

 

They were both panting harshly, sweat and cum making them stick together and the heat of their love making heating up the room even more, but Seunghyun didn’t even think about moving away from Jiyong. It felt too good, as the other man wrapped his arms tightly around his body and burying his face in the crook of Seunghyun’s shoulder – still panting, but not making a move to let go either.

 

Moments past and their breathing finally turned back to normal and the room stopped to spin and their skin started to cool – along with the sweat and cum. Even though he didn’t say anything, he knew that Jiyong must be uncomfortable with cum and lube sticking to his skin. He carefully let go of the younger one, who was already protesting, only to pick him up and carried him to the shower.

 

Jiyong was still shaky on his legs, but Seunghyun never let go of him – even as they washed away cum and sweat from their skin under warm water.

 

Neither of them said anything, but at this moment Seunghyun was glad they didn’t. It felt like, as if the bubble they have built for them would burst once one of them would say anything and that thought scared him. He didn’t want to lose this moment, this perfect evening by saying something that could ruin it.

 

Instead, both of them went back to bed, pulled away the spoiled comforter and cuddled up under the thick blankets  - face to face and Seunghyun holding onto the younger one so he couldn’t slip away from him. Seunghyun fell asleep with a satisfied smile on his lips, breathing in the scent of their love making and of the man he was holding in his arms with whom he had fallen in love years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only the first part of the chapter, but I felt like I had to split it up again, because this cuteness deserved it's own chapter. I hope you guys like it - please leave a comment if you do!  
> My finals are by the way finally over, which means I will have more time to write again and I will try my best to publish the next part of this chapter as soon as possible (:


	5. Act l: Part lll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note: This is the last part of the first ACT of this fanfiction - the next ACT, starting with the next chapter, will be Jiyong's POV. 
> 
> If you have any questions about this fic, updates, etc leave a comment or write me on tumblr! (mottemottemotte) 
> 
> Hope you guys like the second part of this chapter - I actually wanted to make it even longer, but I figured it is okay as it is. (I officially hit the 100 pages mark for this fanfiction by the way haha)

 

 

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n.  _A kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxiety, but always ends up cracking under pressure of hollowed out by time – and will keep growing back until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses._

* * *

* * *

 

 

_n._ _The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like – as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind._

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On their final day in Paris, they hadn’t had much to do besides get up around noon some time, grab something to eat and pack their belongings, before they got picked up at the Hotel. Though Seunghyun didn’t like to admit it, he had felt a shift between them ever since they woke up in the morning. They were still curled up like they had been when they fell asleep the day before, but when Seunghyun had wanted to tighten the grip around the younger one again, he had slightly pushed him back and rolled back on his back to stretch. Now this could have only been Jiyong trying to get the kinks out of his neck and back from sleeping in a rather odd position all night long, but Seunghyun couldn’t stop himself from fearing the worst.

He tried not to pay too much attention to how Jiyong behaved, but once his mind had noticed something it was hard to shake off.

For example; while they had been in Paris, Jiyong had always slipped his hand into his pocket to hold his own hand and walk close next to him – but now on their way to the airport, Jiyong was at least two steps behind Seunghyun, starring at his phone and not paying attention to the older one at all. Seunghyun tried to calm himself down – telling himself that Jiyong was only distant again, because they were on their way to the airport and that there was a higher possibility of knetz being there, than when they took a walk through the dark streets of Paris at night.

He also tried to ignore the uneasy feeling he got, when Jiyong would smile at his phone – apparently sending messages to friends or family and giggling at whatever messages he just got. Seunghyun knew he shouldn’t be jealous, but when he had asked who he had been sending messages to and Jiyong had simply waved him off with “just some of the girls from Japan” it felt like someone had punched him in the gut. 

Sure, Seunghyun loved Japan, but only because of art and food. Jiyong, on the other hand, had learned to love the country for two different reasons: Fashion and women. Preferably both combined. Throughout the years Jiyong had had a few affairs with some models from Japan – some more known than other – which is why it always set off the alarm bells in Seunghyun’s head when Jiyong would mention someone from Japan or when he told him he’d be spending the rest of the week there.

On a more rational note, Seunghyun also knew that some of them had really become close friends of Jiyong and that Jiyong didn’t sleep with all of them, so he really shouldn’t freak out as much as he already was.

 

It just didn’t help his situation. At all.

 

Shaking his head, he tried to get rid of these annoying thoughts and made his way over to Jiyong and sat down next to him, trying to get comfortable for their long flight. Jiyong was still on his phone – the broad smile never leaving his face as he giggled at yet another message, cause the annoyed tick in Seunghyun’s jaw to get worse.

“Murakami is sulking, because he wanted to come to Paris as well, but thanks to an exhibition of his he couldn’t come – look at the messages he sent me!”, Jiyong exclaimed happily – still giggling like a madman.

Oh, wait – Murakami?

It was as if someone took his sour mood and lifted it up. Jiyong had only been writing with one of their friends – one of their close friends, who he had known for ages now and someone who continued to tease Seunghyun only because that’s how he showed his affection for his friends.

“Oh, please – that old geezer is only sad, because he thinks French women are easy to seduce _and_ because he is always very fond of the lingerie models.”, smirked Seunghyun as he started to lean back on his seat, heat against the headrest.

“Oh, you did not just call Takashi and old geezer!”, Jiyong flashed another gummy smile before starting to laugh again, “He will definitely kill you when we see him next time!”

“Only if you tell him I said that.”

“Of course, I will!”  


Seunghyun fake-gasped and held his hand in front of his chest, pretending to be shocked.

“How dare you! Trying to turn all my friends against me!”, he turned around – using all of his hard-earned actor skills he had maintained over the years to pretend to be as offended as possible, while trying not to lose it like the man sitting next to him. He had to bite the inside of his cheeks but it was definitely worth it, when Jiyong nearly toppled over with laughter – causing some of the other passengers who were booked in the first class to look at them with annoyed faces, but Seunghyun really couldn’t care less at that moment.

After a while they finally took off. Jiyong had calmed down after the first two hours of teasing Seunghyun and was by now resting his head against Seunghyun’s shoulder, fast asleep. The younger one was still holding onto his phone, but as his grip onto it grew weaker and it was in danger of falling down, Seunghyun took it from him and was about to put it next to them on a small table, when he saw the display light up and a new message popped up on the display.

Seunghyun had always prided himself with never being that kind of possessive lover/boyfriend/whatever he and Jiyong were, but as his eyes caught a small part of the message he couldn’t help but get curious, namely because the message started with “I can’t wait until you-“ with lots of hearts and kissing emojis. His stomach made a weird twist as he saw who the message was from – Nana.

Nana was a Japanese model and a really sweet girl. Jiyong had met her when he had been modelling for Nylon a while ago and – Jiyong being Jiyong – had slept with her, even though Nana apparently had a boyfriend. Seungyhun had wanted to hate her, hate her for taking away Jiyong from him, because they didn’t only hooked up once, but more often than not over the past, but once she had been in front of him – barely reaching his shoulder, petite frame, small face and brilliant smile – he couldn’t hate her. Instead, he started to hate himself a little bit for not being what Jiyong wanted, or at least not to be something he wanted all the time.

He didn’t understand how Nana’s boyfriend was okay with the whole situation, but as far as he knew – meaning annoying SooJoo to tell him everything she knew about that whole fucked up situation – they had decided to have a kind of open relationship, as long as Nana would come back to him and promised only to love him and all that crap. Even with the explanation, Seunghyun couldn’t wrap his head around it and, quite frankly, he really didn’t want to understand it either. 

During the last year, they had stopped seeing each other though – at least as far Seunghyun knew about it, but seeing that she had messaged him again made him feel sick to the stomach.

Seunghyun was about to open the message and see what they had been writing about – especially _when_ they had started writing again, because if Jiyong had been sexting her during their trip in Paris, everything they had had going on these past few days would mean nothing to Jiyong – when Jiyong stirred in his sleep and Seunghyun quickly put the phone aside, not wanting to get caught.

He looked down at Jiyong, who was still fast asleep. Would he really be that cruel and be already off to another hook up? Did Paris really not mean anything to him, but getting laid on a regular basis and enjoying a warm body next to him?

 

Fuck.

 

Seunghyun felt his own heartbeat pick up again and he suddenly felt lightheaded and not in control of his body. The more he tried to push away the anxiety, the worse it got and the more aware he got of his own body acting up – the tightness in his chest grew more and more unbearable and his hands started to shake.

Shit, a panic attack was on it’s way and Seunghyun felt the need to get out of the plane as fast as possible, but he knew that wasn’t a possibility, which is why he quickly reached into his back and took out the drops he always carried with him for cases like this.

His breathing was uneven and his hands made it hard to let the drops fall into cap of it, but he somehow managed to get roughly 30 drops out of the small glass container and downed them.

The taste was bitter and unpleasant and Seunghyun quickly reached for his drink, downing as much liquid as possible to get rid of the awful taste.

Seconds went by, which felt like hours, but his mind was still racing and even the drops didn’t help him calm down. It was getting worse and he felt like he was going to cry every second now – he needed to get away from Jiyong, he didn’t want the other one to see him like that.

Just as he was standing up, trying to run away to somewhere where he could be alone, Seunghyun felt Jiyong reaching for his arm and holding him back.

 

“Seunghyun? Are you okay?”

 

 

He didn’t dare to look back at Jiyong, tears were already filling his eyes and the claustrophobic feeling made it seem like as if he was in a cage, which was slowly closing in on him.

“Bathroom”, was all he managed to say before he slipped away from Jiyong’s grip.

 

Seunghyun didn’t know how long he was in the bathroom, but he really didn’t care. He had downed another 30 drops, cried his heart out and tried every technique he knew to calm down during or even after a panic attack. He had almost forgotten what a really bad panic attack felt like, but this one was definitely one of the top five – and he still had another four hours ahead.

His head was hurting and he felt like he had been hit by a shit ton of bricks as he made his way back to his seat. Seunghyun had had the feeling that Jiyong would be worried and, as expected, a pair of worried eyes immediately zoomed in on him as soon as he was near enough for the other one to notice him. His limbs were heavy, almost feeling like cement blocks, as he dragged himself forward and let himself crash into his seat. The younger one was at his side and talking to him, but Seunghyun really wasn’t in the mood right now and couldn’t really concentrate on whatever Jiyong was telling him and when he was being honest, he really didn’t care right now. All he wanted to do was sleep and get home as soon as possible. Seunghyun tuned out the voices, the talking and all the other sounds out and leaned back in his seat. It didn’t take him long until he was fast asleep.

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

“Seunghyun, wake up. We are here!”

It felt like he only slept for five minutes when he woke up again – Jiyong was gently shaking him awake and Seunghyun needed a moment to get his shit together.

The other man had already packed their things up and was standing next to Seunghyun’s seat – he still had that worried look on his face, as if Seunghyun would break with the next step he was taking, and Seunghyun hated it. He didn’t want to see Jiyong like that, he didn’t want to know the other one worried about him. – or did he? Until the flight home he had been so sure about himself and about winning Jiyong’s heart, but now this Nana thing. This Nana thing was really confusing – if only he knew what was really going on between them, but asking would make it too obvious that he cared about whatever it was that was going on between them and he really didn’t want to seem desperate.

Seunghyun decided, he really needed a break to collect his thoughts a bit, which meant that he would go home, sulk for one week or two and drink too much wine. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but the only way he knew how to handle this situation and he really did not feel like talking to Jiyong about it right now. He knew that he was too emotional after a panic attack like that for at least the next few days and with his anxieties acting up like that, he wouldn’t be able to think rationally anyways. So, isolation it was.

He finally got up, took his things from Jiyong – sending a small smile in his direction – and walked down the aisle to the exit of the plane.

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

When he got back home that day, Seunghyun simply stripped off his clothes, took a quick shower and fell into bed. He really didn’t have the energy for anything else – besides he had a few days of anyways, before he would have to meet with the cast of the movie he was currently shooting – there were still some scenes they had to shoot and the deadline was coming closer and closer -  and go back to the studio to help some of the kids with their new tracks so he could rest without feeling guilty about it.

The next day, he slept in until way past noon. He had desperately needed the rest, that was for sure, and it wasn’t until way later that he finally looked at his phone, only to see that Jiyong had sent a dozen of messages the day before and even today.

Jiyong [17:34]

_Hey Hyung,_

_I hope everything is alright? You seemed so_  
stressed on our flight back when you disappeared  
like that and when you came back you fell asleep  
immediately I couldn’t even ask you what was  
going on.  
  
Jiyong [18:02] 

_I take it you went to bed? You always do that after  
being away for a few days, can’t blame you.._

 

 

Jiyong [19:45)

_Hey, big guy let me know when you are awake and  
if you are fine, you really scared me…_

 

 

Seunghyun felt a pang of guilt as he read the first messages. Jiyong seemed to be really worried about him – they were best of friends after all, Seunghyun had a tendency to forget that sometimes, because of his own feelings.

He was about to reply when he saw the next messages and had to chuckle.

Apparently, Jiyong had decided that it was a good time to break out the booze.

 

Jiyong [23:48]

 _Hyunnng, did you know they already uploaded your_  
pictures of when you went to the show?? …itsss unfair  
how guud you look sometimes I swearrr

 

 

Jiyong [00:12]

_You haven’t even told me wwat triggered the first  
panic attack when you came back after the show??1_

 

 

Jiyong [01:23]

Aiightt, dun asnweeer asshole, fine with me

 

Jiyong [02:21]

Who doesntt look at their phone for thaz long??!!1?

 

 

Jiyong [02:53]

I swear you are the worst of the worst sometimes

 

The next ones were from today, most likely after Jiyong woke up from his alcohol influenced coma.

 

Jiyong [11:34]

_God, I am so sorry for the spam yesterday,  
please ignore it I was drunk off my ass.._

 

Jiyong [14:58]

_…but you seriously should look at your phone  
more often, it’s like you don’t know it exists_

 

Jiyong [15:38]

Hyung??? You still alive??

 

Seunghyun shook his head – he should really look at his phone more often. Sure, he spent a lot of time on Instagram, but besides that, he really didn’t look at his phone or messages – much to the displeasure of his friends, family and most of the time his manager.

Speaking of his manager – there where dozens of messages from him as well. Seunghyun immediately opened them as well and read through them only to nearly drop his phone in panic. The shooting for the movie had been moved forward a day, meaning he should have been on set hours ago, meaning his colleges were probably pissed, meaning his manager was gonna kick his ass.

 

Damnit.

 

As if on cue, the front door flew open and his very stressed and angry manager stormed in.

“Hyung, I didn’t see your message until now I’m-“, tried Seunghyun, explaining himself, but apparently his manager wasn’t having any of it.

“I don’t care! Put on some decent pants and clothes and move it!”

 

Seunghyun never ran so fast in his life before.

 

 

They arrived half an hour later on set – Seungyhun even had taken another quick shower before they left. Some of his co-workers, Sekyung and Honey, where already nose-deep into their script and listening to whatever the director had planned for them. Haejin and Dowon were nowhere to be found, but Seunghyun assumed they were already getting prepared for the next scenes.

A few moments later he found himself sitting in front of one of the vanities, make-up getting smeared in his face while one of the staff-members explained to him which scenes would be next.

He wasn’t exactly thrilled when they told him that one of the kissing scenes would have to be shot again – especially not when he realized that Honey would have to get rid of his shirt in the scene. Reluctantly, he eventually striped out of his shirt to put on another one, when one of the make-up artists gasped behind him.

Confused, he turned around, only to be greeted by smirking staff members and wolf-whistling Haejin and Dowon, who had just entered the room. Not knowing what the fuzz was all about he looked around until his eyes fell on his reflection in one of the mirrors.

Fuck, how could he forget?

His abdomen, chest, pecs and neck were covered in love bites, hickeys and bite marks – he didn’t even want to know how scratched up his back looked like, not after the nights of Jiyong clinging to him like a man drowning in the sea and ranking his nails up and down his back.

Seunghyun felt the blush on his cheeks deepen even more when Honey and Sekyung walked in, commenting on how he must have had a good time in Paris.

Oh, if only they had a clue, thought Seunghyun with an embarrassed smile.

 

 

The next few days were filled with getting up at 5.30 in the morning, eating whatever the staff had prepared, getting their face painted with make-up (and in Seunghyun’s case, covering up all the love bites), shooting until noon, lunch, an hour of rest, more shooting time, dinner, even more shooting time and rehearsing the lines and even more make-up until the middle of the night. Seunghyun didn’t even realise he had forgotten his phone at home – half the time he tried to stay awake and not snap at one of his co-workers, because of the most random things. Sleep deprivation mixed with a tight schedule like theirs wasn’t the best combination for anyone, and after shooting six days without any proper breaks, all of them felt the tension getting worse and worse.

Thankfully their director noticed the tension and granted them a day off. They were ahead of their schedule anyways and everyone needed the rest.

The first thing Seunghyun did on his first day off after slaving away like that for nearly a week was to sleep. His body was aching, his head was pounding and his mental state was as wrecked as his body.

Even though his bed was warm and comfortable as ever – something was missing.

 

Jiyong.

 

Seunghyun had grown so used to having the younger one next to him that he only now realised how much he missed him during the past few nights – his slender, warm body pressing up against him, his even heartbeat against his naked skin and his breathing tickling the side of his neck, whenever he was being used as a body pillow.

Immediately he reached over to his phone – he had come home to it being completely empty and he had to charge it for ages before he had been able to turn it on again. Thousands of notifications flooded his display and it took him a while to sort everything out. There were many notifications from Instagram – as expected – a few calls from his mom and sister, but he knew that his manager had by now informed them that he was off filming so he wouldn’t be able to answer them. Something that put him off was that there were no new notifications from Jiyong – had his manager told him as well?

Seunghyun closed LINE and opened Instagram instead. The first thing he did was check out Jiyong’s public Instagram – it was the first one to pop up on his dashboard.

He wasn’t sure if he liked what he saw.

Jiyong had posted various English quotes, such as “hopeless romantic with a dirty mind”, “take me (I’m yours)” and “Kiss me if you can”. He tried to not get too excited about what these things could mean, especially since Jiyong had posted them shortly after arriving back in Seoul.

Could the posts be directed towards him? But why hadn’t he told him when they were in Paris? Wouldn’t that have made more sense than posting random pictures on Instagram in hope of him seeing them?

Seunghyun shook his head.

No. That couldn’t be the case.

He clicked back to the main page of Instagram and opened Jiyong’s personal Instagram – and he desperately wished he wouldn’t have.

There were tons of selcas of Jiyong being in Japan. The first ones were from two or three days ago and the newest ones from just an hour ago. The first one was a picture of Jiyong’s legs covered in socks with someone else’s legs draped across them wearing matching socks. They were definitely legs of a woman and even though Seunghyun knew he would hate himself for checking who it was, he still did.

 

It was Nana.

 

Fuck.

 

He scrolled down Jiyong’s Instagram feed, tears already forming in his eyes and heart breaking. Every time he saw another picture of Jiyong with her, he could feel his heart clenching in pain as if someone was stabbing it again and again, but he continued to look at the pictures. On one, he was out shopping carrying bags filled with new clothes, on another one there were a lot of other friends with him, and on yet another one he was sitting on what seemed to be a director seat or something, with Nana on his lap. She was facing the other way, looking away from the camera, while Jiyong looked at the camera with a slightly angry look on his face.

That was enough for Seunghyun. He threw the phone aside, not caring if it would survive the fall against the hard floor or not and curled into a ball. The stabbing in his chest and the painful clenching in his stomach got worse with each second – he struggled to get up and ran to the toilet as fast as he could, tears were blocking his view and he nearly ran against the door frame, but he finally reached the bathroom, throwing up into the toilet. His stomach was constricting so bad and his throat hurt from the acid, but it just didn’t stop.

Seunghyun eventually calmed down enough to fall asleep next to the toilet.  

When he had to get back to the set, he was grateful. He had spent his day off with crying his eyes out and just laying around, wallowing in self-pity and he hated that. At least the long hours on set took off his mind; he had to be Ham Daegil and not Choi Seunghyun anyways.

Sadly, after another 6 days of hard work and too little sleep, all scenes were finally done and the time on set was officially over. Seunghyun should feel happy about finally having time for himself and getting back to producing music, but free time meant having time to think about certain things like for example Jiyong and producing music and writing lyrics meant going back to the studio where literally every little thing reminded him of Jiyong and even picking up a pen and writing down some lines reminded him of Jiyong and Jiyong and Jiyong.

 

 

Days passed and Seunghyun knew that he should get out of bed, take a shower, eat something and stop smoking and drinking so much, but he really couldn’t. In the morning, it was always the worst. He would open his eyes and everything – all the feelings, the heartbreak, the insecurities, the jealousy, everything would resurface again, cutting him open and make him bleed.

During the day, it would get better a bit – he would cry and cry and cry until he had cried out all his tears and he would regain some sense of self again and during the night he swore himself the next day would be better – but each morning he woke up with a burning throat from all the wine and whiskey he drank the night before, and a breaking heart.

He wasn’t even sure how many days had passed, but after a while his mother and manager started to show up, asking him what was going on, but he would decline their help every time. In the end, it was Seungri of all people, who dragged him out of bed and not so carefully threw him under the shower and turned on the cold spray – there was a lot of cursing on Seunghyun’s side, but in the end, he was glad the youngest of their group had done it.

After showering, brushing his teeth and finally eating a proper meal, he finally felt like a human being again. Heartbroken, but alive. In an abstract way. Seungri had sat next to him the whole time, letting Seunghyun eat his dinner in peace and waiting for him to finish.

In the end, Seungri and Seunghyun talked all evening. About the gigs Seungri had the past couple of nights as a DJ, how his restaurants were expanding and how he had to attend way too many meetings the last two days as a CEO and how he had to fly between Japan, Korea and China on a regular basis. It was good to talk to the youngest of the group as open as that. Most of the time, Seunghyun felt guilty whenever he would talk to Seungri about his problems – he was the oldest of their group and he should be the one listening to the problems of the youngest and be there for him, not the other way around – but Seungri didn’t seem to mind. Not at all, probably the contrary. He kept on asking how Seunghyun’s movie was going and how he got along with the other actors, when the movie would be released and if there were any steamy scenes between him and his female co-workers. He earned himself a light slap at the back of his head for that, but Seungri returned the gesture with giggles and how he knew he deserved that one.

As the evening grew longer, Seunghyun’s time with Jiyong in Paris came up as well – and Seunghyun immediately felt like hiding under his blanket again.

“How were things with Jiyong in Paris anyway? He was probably a diva like he always is in Paris.”, Seungri joked while eating some of the food they had ordered by now.

Seunghyun felt his heart clench.

“It was .. nice.”

“Nice?”

“Yes, nice.”, Seunghyun pressed out – he really didn’t have the brain power to talk about everything right now with the younger one, especially not since he didn’t know if Seungri was aware of the things going on between him and their leader.

“Oh, come on. Why does no one tell me anything! Before you guys left, Jiyong wouldn’t stop talking about how much he was looking forward to go to Paris! It got even more annoying when you said you’d tag along – and that’s me

who is saying that, normally I am the annoying one, not you guys – but now that both of you are back, no one talks about it? I asked Jiyong when I saw him a week ago and he not only looked like death in person, but he just snapped at me and told me to mind my own business.”

Seungri took another bite of the kimbap.

“-and then when I kept on asking him what had crawled up his ass and why he wouldn’t tell me a thing about the fashion shows, the people there or whatever he threw one of his shoes at me saying I should ask you about it, you know, these big, terrible Balenciaga shoes he is so obsessed with? I tell you, getting hit by one of those isn’t fun, especially not when he is piss-“

“Hold on, what?”, Seunghyun had only been listening with half his attention, not wanting to hear anything about or from Jiyong, but his attention snapped back to Seungri’s rambling.

“He threw a shoe at me! Can you believe it? He actually-“

“No, not that. What you said about him telling you to ask me, what was that all about?”

“Oh, that..”

“Well? Will you please tell me or do I have to throw a shoe at you as well?”

Seunghyun was slowly losing his patience with the younger one.

“God, no. Please, not you, too!”, Seungri quickly finished chewing before setting aside his food.

“We didn’t talk much, because like I said I didn’t want to get hit by the second shoe, but what I gathered from what he said was that something must have happened during your stay in Paris, because he seemed – hurt? I don’t know how to explain it properly, but he was sulking most of the time and even snapped at Teddy and Jaesang Hyung and he’d never do that, unless something is really bothering him. He has been mopping around ever since he came back and after the second day of his return he even asked me if he knew how you were doing? Which is weird, because you guys are closer than anyone I know. I kind of subjected that something must have happen with you, because he only ever gets this annoying when he had a fight with you – and seeing how you are holding up these days seems to proof that something must have happen.”

Seunghyun sat there for a while, simply listening to what Seungri had to say and let that information sink in. Jiyong was sulking because of him? That didn’t seem right. Why would he be sulking if he was spending all his time in Japan with Nana?

He collected his thoughts for a bit – knowing Seungri and how much of a social butterfly he was he most likely knew about whatever was going on with Nana, but asking Seungri would also mean that if there was indeed something going on – like it looked like in the pictures – he would know for sure and he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know. It would mean finality and his heart could only take so much heartbreak for a day. Then again, it would mean closure – he wouldn’t think about all the what if’s anymore and he would maybe, finally be over to let him go. It would take a long time for sure, but after everything they have been through it might be the best thing he could do in his situation.

“But..what about Nana? Aren’t they a thing again? Why should he be mad about something I did when I didn’t really do anything? Besides, they seem to be rather close again these days.”, he tried his best to keep the venom out of his voice, but seeing the slight smirk of Seungri told him that he had failed miserably.

“Well, it might be true that they are close and have been talking a lot these days again – meeting up in Japan and all that – you could really think that they are dating or at least hooking up again..”

Seunghyun was ready to throw something at Seungri’s head.

“..but, that wouldn’t make sense at all, because when I met up with Jiyong the other day we had a couple of drinks and he just wouldn’t shut up about you ignoring him and that he was so sick of it and he also told me something interesting ..”

“Seungri, I swear-“

“He told me he is gay.”

Seunghyun stared at Seungri.

“He, what?”

“He told me he is gay – I mean, I know you guys hook up from time to time and that is probably why he is so pissed at you, but he told me he is gay and that he can’t get it up to women anymore and that he really doesn’t want to anymore anyways. He even talked about all the time when he was dating women, he always kept them at bay – or even sometimes picked girls that lived in other countries so they wouldn’t be able to have sex that often.”

“That doesn’t make sense – when we still lived in the dorm he would hook up with random girls all the time and it wasn’t a problem for him.”

“Well, you see Seunghyun – sexuality is a funny thing, it can be very fluent and change over time. We always knew that he was bisexual, he told us many times, but he talked about how during the past two years his desire to sleep with women hasn’t been potent at all and that he more and more felt desire towards men. He still finds female bodies beautiful – but more aesthetical pleasing, you know, the inner artist in him, and not desirable like he used to.”

There was silence for a long time after Seungri had finished explaining everything to Seunghyun – for some reason, it was hard to believe, but at the same time Seunghyun really wanted to believe everything the younger one had told him right now. Would it really be that easy? Did that mean that everything that had happened in Paris had been real for Jiyong, too? Could he really return his feelings?

“Then why is he so close with Nana? I mean, he even posted a picture of them where Nana was sitting on his lap – that doesn’t scream homosexuality to me.”

“He also takes these kinds of pictures with Chaerin, doesn’t he?”

“Yes, but he never hooked up with her.”

Seungri sighed.

“Well, it might be true that they had a thing going on a while back, but like I told you – something changed for Jiyong and I know Nana, she is really open and supportive when it comes to sexualities and it more feels like she is supporting him and being a good friend for him. I mean, he hasn’t told anyone of us about his sexuality yet, it is a huge thing for him after all. I guess he picked her, because she isn’t too much involved in his everyday life and isn’t that close with the rest of BigBang or the label.”

Seunghyun needed a drink. He got up and poured himself a glass of red and sat down in front of Seungri again. Why hadn’t Jiyong told him? Normally the younger one wouldn’t hold back when it came to topics like that – what had changed? And was it really true? Maybe it was just Jiyong being drunk? Could Nana really only be only a friend to him now?

“- plus, you know, Nana is engaged and will marry in a few weeks and the reason why they went shopping is because Jiyong promised her to help her pick a fitting dress for the wedding and the dance afterwards.”

Seunghyun nearly choked on his wine.

“She, what?!”

The younger one erupted with laughter as Seunghyun stared at him with disbelieve. Seunghyun put aside his drink and wiped away the wine that was still on his lips. He rushed back to his room, put on some new clothes and ran back to the living room where Seungri was still sitting and laughing at him.

Nana was getting married.

She was not a threat anymore to him and Jiyong.

The posts weren’t about Nana.

Jiyong was gay and wasn’t attracted to women anymore at all.

Jiyong had been hurt and angry for whatever reason, because of Seunghyun.

He needed to see him. Now. He didn’t care how he looked, he had just thrown on the first clothes he had been able to find and combed back his hair with his hands – he didn’t really want to look that terrible when seeing Jiyong again though after two or three weeks of silence between them.

“Seungri, do you know where Jiyong is right now?”

 

 

 

 

°

 

 

 

 

As expected, Seungri did know where Jiyong was, and Seunghyun was partly regretting it already. Turned out that today was another one of these kinds of parties where the music was too loud, there was way too much alcohol and other substances involved and the women wear too little clothing for his taste – not that he spent too much time thinking about women that was.  
Anyways – it had taken about half an hour for them to get there, but only after Seungri had nagged Seunghyun to change into something more decent than just a pair of pyjama pants and an old, wrinkled button-down shirt – apparently the club had a dress code and even though he was Choi Seunghyun aka The Official Pimp, they wouldn’t let him in if he looked like he just rolled out of bed.

 

You could already hear the loud music outside of the club and apparently there were many other celebrities there as well that night, because the first thing Seunghyun saw when he arrived was Chaerin, Soohyuk and SooJoo – all of them arriving at the same time as him. Soohyuk immediately ran over to them and greeted them.

“Seunghyun! Long-time no see, how the hell did Seungri convince you to leave your home?”, he joked while throwing a smirk in his direction.

“Oh, shut up Hyuk – it’s not like I never go outside.”

Seungri and Soohyuk both looked at him – their lips pressed in a thin line, not saying anything, while trying to hold back their laughter.

“Okay, okay – I used to go out more, but can you blame me? My schedule has been insane thanks to shooting the movie, it was not like I had that much time to spend in clubs anyways and definitely not with either of you!”

“Oi!”

“Well, we aren’t Jiyong after all, aren’t we, Seungri?”, Soohyuk slightly poked him against the ribs.

“Now, come on old man – let’s get this party started!”

Seunghyun got dragged into the club by a half-heartingly complaining Seungri about how Seunghyun could be so mean to him, after everything he had done for the older one and an overly excited Soohyuk. Within a minute he was pushed towards Chaerin and SooJoo and within another minute he had the first drink in his hand.

“Come on, Oppa – you haven’t been out like that for over a month now, if not longer – lose up a bit and spend some time with us!”

Chaerin was standing next to him, with a warm smile on her lips – her usual distant behaviour in front of the cameras dropped immediately when she was out with friends and was replaced by a warm, almost motherly, presence. SooJoo was already off with Soohyuk, dancing their asses off to the beat of the music with their drinks in their hands and a big smile on their faces.

For the next twenty minutes Seunghyun had to entertain the maknae and Chaerin, even though he desperately wanted to ask them if they knew where Jiyong was, because he really, _really_ needed to talk to the younger one – but judging how plastered his friends were around him already, he doubted that the other one would be in the right mind to have this conversation anyways.

That didn’t stop him from wanting to see the younger one, though.

About another twenty minutes later, he could definitely say that he had waited long enough and that he had spent way too much time talking to a very drunk Seungri and an even more drunk – very cuddly – Chaerin, and that now was the perfect time to ask where the hell Jiyong was.

He received a vague direction of Jiyong’s whereabouts by Seungri pointing towards the VIP section of the club.

Obviously.

Seunghyun mentally kicked himself for not thinking about this sooner – he had already been looking out for the younger one during the past hour, but couldn’t find him anywhere.  
Without waiting any longer he marched over to the VIP section of the club – a short smile towards the bouncer keeping most of the visitors away and he was in. Seunghyun quickly went up the stairs, two at a time, and finally reached the platform – he didn’t know how else to call it. It was an area filled with comfortable looking seating areas and a private bar, male and female dancers were shaking their bits and pieces in cages which where half hanging from the ceiling of the club and secured at the side of the VIP section. At the middle to the section weren’t any dancers and you could see the dancing floor where all the other people were enjoying their time.

Familiar faces greeted him when he walked closer to the bar, but he couldn’t find Jiyong.

 

“Hey, Xin – do you know where Jiyong is?”

The other man had been in a deep conversation until now and only saw Seunghyun when he asked him about Jiyong – immediately, his shaved eyebrows shot up in surprise, obviously not expecting Seunghyun to be in the Club as well.

“S-Seunghyun! What are you doing here?”

“I am looking for Jiyong, do you know where he is?”

“Why don’t you have a drink first-“, Xin said, while shoving his own drink in Seunghyun’s hand, “-and we catch up a bit! It has been ages since I last saw you, Hyung.”

Seunghyun didn’t know what was going on, but he knew that Xin was acting weird – weirder than normally that is. He had always been a bit quirky, but now his behaviour was just odd.

“No, thank you.”, Seunghyun returned the drink and asked Xin again where Jiyong was. It seemed like Xin finally understood that Seunghyun would not stop asking him until he knew where the other one was. His shoulders dropped a bit and his smile disappeared from his face – he almost looked sad.

“He is in one of the private rooms, down the corridor the first door to your right, but Seunghyun I don’t think you should-“

“Thank you, Xin. I owe you one.”

“No. Seunghyun, wait-!”, but Seunghyun had already turned his back on the stylist and walked down the corridors. He tried to ignore the bad feeling in his stomach – why would Xin not want him to walk into the room? Seunghyun had already an idea what could be going on on the other side of the door, but he willed those evil thoughts away.

He stopped in front of the door – his feet felt like cement and his heart was pounding in his chest. It was now or never – he took one last deep breath, opened the door and walked in –

 

 

And regretted it instantly.

 

There he was.

Jiyong.

Sitting on a comfortable looking couch, leaning against the back of it with his eyes closed and a devilish, lazy smirk on his lips. His shirt was already undone and his chest and stomach, as well as the tattoos bellow his chest and on his stomach, where visible. His head tilted back and he opened his mouth as he exhaled a pleasurable sigh as the women next to him started to suck on his neck and caressed one of his nipples with the hand that wasn’t curled around his neck.

His slacks were undone as well and pulled down to his mid-thighs. There was another woman on her knees right in front of him, sucking on his cock like it was a god damn candy cane – the obscene sucking noises of Jiyong being sucked off and marked with hickeys filled the room, as well as dark chuckles leaving the leaders mouth whenever one of the girls did something he seemed to enjoy.

 

Seunghyun didn’t know how to react – it felt like a slap in the face, a kick in the stomach and everything terrible one could feel at the same moment combined. His head was empty, but a thousand thoughts were firing through his synapses at the same time.

Why did Seungri lie?

Didn’t he, and Jiyong was the one who lied about his sexuality?

Why had he been so stupid to believe it?

How could Jiyong do this to him?

Was he nothing more than another cheap fuck for the younger one?

Someone, who would always take care of his needs when no one else was around anymore?

Seunghyun couldn’t watch the scene in front of him any longer – without saying a word and any of the three people in the room noticing him, he closed the door again. It was a surreal feeling and an even more surreal situation. Seunghyun had always know that Jiyong was also sleeping with other people, but he had never actually seen the younger one like that with someone else – he knew already that these images would be burned into his memory, whenever he would close his eyes these images would flash before his inner eyes and drive him insane with jealousy.

He walked back to the VIP section, but didn’t register his surroundings – it was almost as if he was a bit in trance. Seunghyun knew what was going on, but right now he really didn’t care. He vaguely noticed that Xin was standing in front of him with a sorrowful expression on his face – was he apologizing? For what? Did he know? Did he know that Seunghyun’s heart was breaking a second time this week, because of his foolish feelings for his leader?

Xin was still talking to him, but Seunghyun didn’t hear a thing he said – he simply raised his hand a bit, thanking Xin, and walking down the stairs again down to the dance floor. Seunghyun immediately got swallowed by the sea of people on the dance floor – some of them were already grinding against him, touching him – but he continued to walk to the back of the club, straight to the bar.

The first three shots of whiskey burned in his throat, but he couldn’t care less. It was a nice distraction from his heart bursting into a thousand pieces.

By the fifth shot the room started to spin a bit and suddenly Seungri was next to him, looking worried and sad at the same time. He was talking to him as well, but Seunghyun couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying – suddenly the younger one carefully wiped something off his cheek.

“Hyung, why are you crying? Should we get out of here? I can get you home.”

Seungyhun hadn’t realised that he had started to cry – when had he started to cry? He simply nodded, not daring to speak right now. He knew, if he would open his mouth right now, he wouldn’t be able to say a single comprehensible sentence.

The room started to spin again when Seungri took him by his wrist and carefully guided him out of the club – they were walking out through one of the back doors apparently. Seungri never left his side and Seunghyun was thankful for that. The closer they got to the car that was already waiting for them, the more he felt his walls crumble and the trance-like state leave him. Tears were blocking his view again and making it hard to see – he nearly hit his head when he got into the car.

 

“Hyung, are you okay?” – the car started to move and he got pressed into the back of his seat and with the gravitation pressing him back it was almost as if waves came crashing down on him. All of a sudden, he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore – if he thought he had been crying badly before, now was definitely worse. His shoulders were shaking and he curled himself forward, hiding his face in his hands as if in shame. It wasn’t the typical Hollywood kind of crying, the one were only a single tear would roll down the hero’s cheek all prettily for aesthetical reasons, no – it was the kind of crying you saw in low budged movies, the kind of crying you saw when you were having the worst breakdown in a club and you finally look in the mirror in one of the toilets, it was the kind of crying that turned your eyes red and made them swell up and the kind of crying that got your nose all runny and ugly. It was the wet kind of crying that made you feel even more like shit than before, because your whole face would be covered in tears and saliva and whatever else that was leaving your mouth, nose and eyes. It was the kind of crying that resolved in hick-ups and short breathing and that would cause the room to spin, even more than it had already been thanks to the alcohol in Seunghyun’s case.

Seungri was by his side in an instant – though he was trying to push him away, he tried his best to dry Seunghyun’s tears with a handkerchief, but the older one was crying so hard it didn’t really make a difference.

After what seemed like hours, they finally arrived at his home. Seungri helped him out of the car and into his house – the next moment he was already being tugged into bed and the last thing he saw was Seungri’s worried face, before blacking out.

 

 

°

 

 

Seunghyun woke up with an all too familiar feeling by now – head pounding, mouth dry and tasting like he ate trash the night before, sore throat and back and neck hurting like someone dropped something heavy on him, but the bodily ailments were nothing compared to how shitty he still felt. Tears were already swelling up in his eyes as the scene of last night played again and again in the back of his minds. He cursed. Could this please stop?

Right before he could drop back into one of his depressive downs, the bedroom door got opened and a smiling Daesung walked in.

“Come on, Hyung. It’s already past noon – you should eat something and take a shower.”

Seunghyun was confused – why was Daesung here? Didn’t Seungri bring him home last night? It was not like – suddenly it clicked. Seungri must have called Daesung, because he probably couldn’t be here today and wanted Daesung to look after him. He always had the tendency to jump whenever Seunghyun wasn’t feeling that good and would come over and talk to him and Seungri knew that.

Oh, that little rascal. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful for Seungri calling Daesung right now, or not. With a sigh he eventually got up, took a shower and joined Daesung in the kitchen. He had managed to only throw up twice in the shower, so that was a good start.

 

“Here, that should cure the hangover at least a little bit – according to Seungri you had quiet an evening yesterday?” – Daesung didn’t know exactly what had happened apparently, otherwise he wouldn’t be teasing the older one the way he was.

 

For the rest of the day, Daesung – bless his soul – tried his best to cheer him up and take his mind off of whatever was plaguing him, he didn’t press for any details, didn’t annoy him like Seungri had done to get him to talk about it. Instead, they talked about random things and whatever came to their mind and even though it helped a bit, the dull ache never left Seunghyun’s bones.

Eventually, Daesung had to go home, but only after telling Seunghyun that if he needed anything he could write him any time and he would come over in an instead. The older one had to promise him three times that he would accept his help, even though they both knew that Seunghyun only asked for help if it was his last resort.

 

Daesung left and with him the carefree laughter that had filled his home and made it seem alive. Now, the living room and all the other rooms were silent, too silent almost and with their silence the emptiness and loneliness came back again – but this time around Seunghyun didn’t want to let it consume it like the past week. Sure, he was heartbroken, pissed off, wallowing in self-pity, because the person he loved for years was busy fucking whoever apparently met his standards, but he wouldn’t back down so easily anymore. He had spent months and months of pining for the other man, crying his heart out on several occasions, but enough was enough.

With that in mind, he finally walked over to the suitcases that were still placed next to his bed from when he had been in Paris – the past couple of weeks had been so stressful he hadn’t had the time yet to unpack everything and he really didn’t want any of the staff to look through his things, or even his mother. As much as he loved his mom, this was a line he was drawing.

 

It took him way longer than he would like to admit to get everything done – dirty clothes piled up and thrown into the washing machine, clean clothes back into the closet, shoes back to where they belong. It was a tedious work, but a welcomed distraction. He was nearly done, when he noticed a small piece of paper stuck inside the pocket of one of his pants. Seunghyun carefully fished it out and inhaled sharply – it was the small drawing Jiyong had done for him when they first got to Paris. The turtle with the angry eyebrows and the scared looking dragon – immediately his heart clenched again and he had to bite his lips, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in his chest.

He tore the tiny drawing into pieces and threw it into the trash – he didn’t want to be reminded of Jiyong’s lovely side – the way he had curled up to him at night, or the way he had held him through the after matches of his panic attacks or when he had a breakdown in the shower and Jiyong was there to hold him close and had dried him up and tucked him into bed.

 

But his willpower was too weak, all the beautiful memories of Jiyong came back to him and he got sucked back into a bottomless pit of heartache and heartbreak.

It was another wine filled night, and another hangover cursed morning after.

 

 

°

 

 

Days come and go and Seunghyun is more of a walking zombie, than himself – he had received a couple of messages from Jiyong, but whenever his name flashes across the screen of his phone he has to fight the urge to throw it against the next hard surface, he really isn’t in the mood to talk to Jiyong. Not now, and probably not for a long time. At the back of his mind he knows that they need to get along eventually again for the sake of BigBang and for their fans – he doesn’t want to ruin the career they have built up over the past decade, because he was hurting after all – but he isn’t ready to go down that road yet.

Instead, he asks Kyungil, China and the rest of his friends if they want to get out and grab a few drinks – and most of the time they do, especially Kyungil and China are thrilled to go out with him like that. Kyungil more often than not tries to play wingman for Seunghyun, to get him out of his shell, and it even works most of the time, but when Seunghyun wakes up the next morning and thinks of the women he had slept with, it makes his stomach clench up and he regrets it.

Not because the women weren’t lovely and sweet, but because he never wanted to be like that. He never wanted to be one of the random assholes that picks up women at bars, has their way with them and then hightails out of it. He had always despised behaviour like that, because he knew how much it could hurt, but after being in the show business for so long and being stuck with a crush on one of his fellow band members he had grown used to it.

Besides, it’s the only way he can stop to think about Jiyong and replace the memories he has with him, with something new, something fresh – but the encounters with random people never come even close to what he had felt when he was with Jiyong. They didn’t have the same curves as he had, they didn’t make the same desperate noises whenever they were close to coming undone, they didn’t know how to suck his cock like he liked it and they weren’t the kind of submissive he liked. It wasn’t like he was blaming them, not at all, they simply weren’t what he wanted and the more he tried, the more it felt like a bitter reminder that he could never have anyone again who was close to being as wonderful as Jiyong.

And that hurt like a bitch.

There were moments where he wished he could hate Jiyong, despise him even, or that he could simply feel indifferent towards him, but he simply couldn’t. More often than not he caught himself wanting to send the younger one a message about something he read online, something he thought the younger one would like or even about the most random things – but then he would remember the pain he had gone through and he stopped ion his tracks, put his phone aside and tried his best to ignore the dull ache in his chest.

 

It went on like that for a while and everyone around him started to notice that their paths – his and Jiyong’s – have diverged a long time ago. Seungri had tried to talk to him once or twice and even Youngbae had tried his best, but Seunghyun simply ignored them and completely clamped up whenever the topic “Jiyong” came up – he even went so far to make sure that whenever he heard that Jiyong was out clubbing as well, that he would go to one of the clubs which were as far away as possible so there was no possibility of them running into each other.

 

But sadly, life was a bitch and never worked out like he wanted it to work out.

 

 

Seunghyun had just gotten home from one of his nights out – it was only half past two in the morning, so not as late as he usually came home to, when he stopped in his tracks. The lights in his house were on – even though he had made sure that everything was out when he left hours ago.

Panic rose in his chest and he quickly made is way inside.

There was the faint tune of jazz music playing in the living room, dimmed lights and he immediately recognized the sneakers next to the entrance.

Jiyong was over.

 

What the actual fuck.

 

He moved as quietly as his intoxicated mind let him and only stopped when he entered the living room. As expected, Jiyong was there on the couch drinking his wine – one bottle was already empty and he was drinking straight out of the second one with a faint, buzzed blush on his cheeks. Seunghyun didn’t know what to say or do, he simply stood there and watched the younger one until he finally met his gaze.

Jiyong smiled at him immediately, his pupils were blown wide and a lazy smile stretched across his lips as he placed the wine bottle on the floor and made his way over to Seunghyun – his steps swaying with alcohol to the beat of the music.

“Hyung, you are finally home.” – his words were slurred, he was definitely drunk off his ass.

“What are you doing here.”, Seunghyun almost didn’t recognize his own voice, it sounded harsh and cold and not like him at all.

Jiyong didn’t seem to care or notice the tone in his voice, because he snaked his arms around Seunghyun’s neck and started to kiss the side of his neck – it felt like fire burning his skin and Seunghyun had to bite the inside of his cheeks to remind himself to not give in.

“To see you, stupid.”, Jiyong retorted – one of his hands was slowly finding his way down his chest, caressing his pecs, his stomach and eventually was placed on his crotch, slightly massaging him through his pants. It was torture.

“I can’t wait for you to suck me off and fuck me.”

 

“If you want to get fucked.”, he grabbed Jiyong’s wrist and arm from around his neck, “- then I advise you to find someone else to please you, I am not your fucktoy.” Seunghyun pushed the younger one away, glaring daggers at him. If Jiyong wanted to fuck, then he should go out and find someone else to play with. He was done.

“What?” – Jiyong didn’t seem to understand at all, he was staring at the older man and not moving an each.

“Didn’t you hear me? I told you to fuck off and get lost, I am done with you?”, anger was bubbling up in his chest, but he tried to keep it under control, which wasn’t easy – he had too much to drink.

All of a sudden, the previously relaxed and confused aura surrounding the younger one, drained from his body and got replaced by an equal harshness and defiantness as Seunghyun’s. His face turned into an ice-cold glare.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You can’t wait to fuck me and have your way with me – what the fuck crawled up your ass?”

Jiyong was in his close space again, grabbing him at the lapels of his suit jacket and pulling him close, placing Seunghyun’s hands on the swell of his ass, while whispering filthy encouraging words into Seunghyun’s ear.

“Don’t you want to fuck me? Don’t you want to spank me, tie me up and use me like you always do?” – he nibbled at the side of Seunghyun’s throat, pressing his body against his and rubbing his noticeable erection against Seunghyun’s thigh, trying to chase after whatever he was feeling right now.

Seunghyun was beyond pissed off right now, but he couldn’t control his body reacting to Jiyong pressing so close to him either after not seeing him for weeks. He felt himself growing hard within seconds and something snapped inside him. He grabbed Jiyong roughly at the collar of his shirt and nearly threw him against the next wall, caging him between the cold, flat material and his overheated body.

“If you want to get fucked tonight, we are doing this my way. It’s not going to be pretty, not gentle, I won’t hold back and I won’t be careful. – understood?”

Seunghyun deep down should know better that this was a bad idea, they were both intoxicated and Seunghyun was out of his right mind and he really didn’t care – especially not when Jiyong was rubbing against him like a cat in heat, begging him to be fucked.

 

He grabbed Jiyong again by the nape of his neck and directed him towards the couch – within seconds they were onto each other, grabbing, biting, scratching and licking every inch of skin they could grab on and clothes got torn away. Seunghyun faintly remembered to pull out a condom from the pocket of his pants and put it on before pressing Jiyong head first into the couch, his arms on his back and thrusting into him. Jiyong was tight around him, tighter than usually, but from the way the younger one was moaning out loud and begging him to continue and just take what he wanted, it didn’t seem to be a problem.

Instead, he picked up speed and started a brutal pace – their wet skin slapping against another every time Seunghyun pushed into the younger one. When Jiyong was about to come, he quickly turned them around so he was facing Seunghyun – his nails digged into the skin on his back and he bit down on the older man’s shoulder to stifle his cries when he came.

It was raw, hard and almost impersonal.

As soon as Seunghyun came inside the condom, he pulled away from Jiyong and threw it away. He didn’t know why – they had slept so many times with each other by now – but this time, he felt dirty, he felt used. It was different from the other times, but why? Was it because he knew for sure that Jiyong was sleeping with other people? He had known that before, but why did it make him feel so bad this time around?

He looked at Jiyong, his eyes were getting heavier and he looked like he was about to fall asleep.

No.

He couldn’t handle the sight of the other one right now, he needed him gone.

 

“Get the hell out of my house.”

Nothing, Jiyong didn’t move an inch.

 

“Hey!”, he said, louder than before and shaking the younger one awake.

“I said, get the fuck out of my house.”

“What? Why?” – Jiyong actually had the nerve to ask.

“Because I said so, now leave before I have to throw you out.”

Seunghyun was already pulling in his pants and walking towards the kitchen, when he heard the soft noises of feet hitting the ground behind him.

“Throw me out? Are you for real? What the fuck is your problem, you asshole?”, Jiyong grabbed his shoulder and turned him around – he was still stark naked and glaring at him like he never had in his life before.

“None of your fucking business.”

“None of my business? Are you stupid? Did you finally drink away your last braincell?”, Jiyong retorted. His voice was getting louder – much like his own.

“Oh, see who is talking. I’m surprised you are able to walk – with how much you have been sleeping around you are probably infected with more STDs than anyone I know combined!”

That seemed to be the last straw – Seunghyun would never say something like that to anyone, period, but he was drunk and pissed and not in his right mind. He saw the fist flying towards his face a second too late and the next thing he felt was an insanely painful feeling on the right side of his face. He reacted within a second – he landed a punch at Jiyong’s jaw that send him flying backwards and the fight was on. Jiyong wasn’t backing down and neither was Seunghyun. Insults and fists flew between them –

 

“You spoiled brat, always wanting everyone on their knees-!”

“Me? You are the one who is getting off whenever someone is on their knees you freak!”

“Says the one who can’t get enough of it, you would sleep with anyone, if they only hit you hard enough-“

“What the hell happened to you Seunghyun, I don’t know you anymore.”

“To me? You are the one who I don’t know anymore, every night you are out, drinking and fucking everyone and you have turned into this plain, bitchy diva, into someone we used to make fun of when we were kids, but now you act like you are the best god damn shit that ever graced this planet, you are like one of these brainless, soulless fuckers that fuck up everyone else’s life, just to gain more money and fame!”

Seunghyun had shouted the last part directly at Jiyong, who immediately stopped his movements.

“You are the lowest kind, using everyone around you just so you can have one of your power trips.”, as soon as the last words left his lips, Seunghyun regretted them. It was like he finally came back to himself, as if his body had been on autopilot this whole time and he finally regained some sense of control of the situation – sure, some of the things he had said were true, but he would have never dared to say them this crudely to Jiyong.

Jiyong, who was staring at him – bloody lip and a bruise at the side of his face, who was holding back tears and staring at Seunghyun one second, and frantically putting on his clothes the next – trying to get away as fast as possible from Seunghyun.

 

Fuck.

 

What had he done.

 

Shame flooded his senses as he watched how small and miserable the other man looked as he finally gathered all his clothes and made a beeline for the front door.

 

“Jiyong, I-“, his voice was nothing but a faint whisper and he felt like dying when he noticed Jiyong flinching when he heard his voice. The younger man didn’t turn around, but ran out of the door instead, throwing it shut behind him, leaving Seunghyun behind in his empty living room.

 

In the silence of the house, the faint tune of jazz music was still playing, but it didn’t make him feel as calm like it usually did when he listened to it.

It felt like he had just crashed and burned his world and the splinters of what he had done were tearing into his skin and the smoke was cutting off the air he needed to breath for.

 

His world just got torn into a thousand pieces, beyond recovery, and it was his own fault.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	6. Act ll: Part l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all - I am sorry that this chapter is as short as it is, but it is only  
> the first part! Writing this chapter was extremely hard and I did not want  
> to make you guys wait any longer so I decided to upload the first half. 
> 
> I'm also terribly sorry for the slow updates - the past month was probably  
> the worst one for me mentaly vise in a long time and it got so bad that I would  
> have nearly not been able to publish anything ever again, but I am a bit better now  
> so let's hope for the best!
> 
> If you guys wanna talk about anything or have questions regarding this fic or gtop  
> in general you can find me here:
> 
> Instagram: motteme_art  
> Twitter: motteme_  
> Tumblr: mottemottemotte/motteme
> 
> AND! I want to thank you guys for the INSANE feedback I got for the last chapter !!  
> I have never gotten so many long, and heartfelt comments to any of my chapters  
> ever before and it means so much to me - thank you thank you thank you!

** Act ll: Part l ** ** “Pâro” **

* * *

* * *

 

 

_n_. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

 

When you are completely wasted, you tend to not think rationally. While normally, your brain would have the decency to tell you not to drive while being drunk, most of the time when you are completely shit-faced, it seems like the best idea.

Especially when the world doesn’t seem to stop spinning and your heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Jiyong couldn’t handle this anymore.

All these weeks ago he had made a final decision.

He would let go of Seunghyun and finally move on. He had only wanted to have one final memory with the older man, in order to have something for himself, something only he and Seunghyun would remember, something personal that could maybe mean something to Seunghyun as well – because it sure meant the world to Jiyong.

Back then, that had been the reason why he had asked Seunghyun to join him for Fashion Week. Jiyong knew that Seunghyun didn’t like Paris very much, but with enough whining and talking about all the amazing exhibitions that he would miss if he wouldn’t accompany him to Paris, it was an easy task to lure him in.

The problem was that he already regretted the decision the night before they left – he didn’t think about the possibility of Seunghyun flirting with other people, or him hooking up with others. He had been more hurt and disappointed than pissed when he saw Seunghyun with that women in the club and he decided then and there that he wouldn’t open up to the older man at all.

Something he kept on forgetting, though, was how much of an influence Seungyhun had on him. A small conversation with the other man, learning that he didn’t hook up with the women at all and instead had been looking for him, and Jiyong was already forgetting about his plan to not to open up to him.

During the past years, he had spent more nights pining for the other man’s love than he would like to admit, but over time he had gotten really well at not letting it get to him. He would get jealous every now and then – sure, who wouldn’t – but he would be able to mostly hold himself back. It helped that Seunghyun seemed to really enjoy it whenever they ended up in bed with Jiyong pressed into the mattress moaning like a bitch in heat. Sometimes it almost felt like they were dating.

But then Seunghyun would grow distant again, or Jiyong would pull back himself – too scared of rejection and accidentally confessing his love for the older man and ruining the little friends with benefits relationship they had or even worse, their year long friendship.

Whenever that happened, he would go out with friends, work non-stop to take off his mind, and end up in bed with too many different women – though it had gotten harder and harder to get it up to women over the time, up until the point where he usually ended up taking a pill or tow to help himself. It was as if Seunghyun had put a spell on his dick or something.

In the end, it had been a good way to cope with it –  he had been able push back the feelings he had for him and he would be able to continue being friends with Seunghyun without losing his shit whenever the other would sleep with someone else. It still hurt and he really didn’t like it, but he was able to see past it and enjoy the best moments of his life together with Seunghyun.

Too bad, that Paris had changed everything for him.

He had made sure that they would be sharing a suite – he wanted to be as close as possible to the other man and it was a small, possessive part of him that couldn’t bare the idea of them being together in Paris – the city of love – and Seunghyun not in his arms, but with someone else.

To his surprise, there hadn’t really been any occasion or moment where he had been jealous. The only time when he had felt that nasty feeling flare up in the pit of his stomach was when he came back from one of the shows, smelling of cheap women perfume – but that thought was quickly forgotten, when he saw what state Seungyhun had been in.

 

Seunghyun had simply smiled one of his dimpled, heart-warming smiles that turned into a grin, when he mentioned to the other one that they would share a suite. Before he knew it, Seunghyun was laying next to him on their king-sized bed, arms wrapped tightly around him and sleeping peacefully. It felt surreal and better than any daydream Jiyong ever had about having a cute, domestic moment with Seunghyun – and that had only been the beginning.

Their trip to the restaurant with their friends, where Jiyong couldn’t help but gush about the necklace he had gotten from Seunghyun and blush so hard he was almost embarrassed when SooJoo called them boyfriends, when they went to the exhibition together and had fun and even dorked around like the kids they still were at heart, or the cosy breakfasts they would enjoy together. Just the two of them.

It all felt like a dream and during these moments he felt the wall, which he had been building for the past years to protect his heart, crumble. Jiyong knew that he should be careful, he knew that it was a bad idea to let things go that far, he knew that this could ruin everything with Seunghyun, and furthermore everything related to BigBang as well, but at that moment – he really didn’t care anymore. He had been so thoughtful of everyone else for the past decades, was it really too much to ask to be selfish just this once?

He opened his heart and let himself enjoy the time with Seunghyun to the fullest. He would hold his hand in public, pull him into dark alleys to make out and have him chase him through the streets of Paris only to get fucked deliciously hard against one of the tables in their hotel room. He would cuddle up to Seunghyun every night and in return be held so close he could feel the warmth radiating off of the others skin and inhale his scent. Jiyong had even dragged him along walks through Paris at night that usually involved more hand-holding, sweet kisses and the breath-taking atmosphere of Paris. He had probably read and seen too many love-centred books and dramas, but he couldn’t help but feel utterly at peace and happy during that time and he was so full of love for the other man that he had to bite his lip not to let it slip.

Especially on their last night.

Seunghyun and Jiyong had had sex more often than he could count by now and it had always felt good, incredibly good, but this night had been different. Normally, they were needy and rough and more passionate than any other encounter he ever had with anyone – but that night, they had taken things slow. He still remembered how he had told Seunghyun that he wanted to feel him, to be close to him and to his surprise Seunghyun obligated – his touches had been so gentle and loving, Jiyong felt it hard to breath, because his heart was beating a mile per second and he could feel his eyes watering when Seunghyun kissed him, making his head spin like no one else had ever done before. It was the closest thing Jiyong had ever been to when it comes to making love. He knew that technically it didn’t count, because it requires both people to share the same feeling when making love, but that night, Jiyong poured all of his love into the kisses he left on Seunghyun’s lips, on his neck, on his chest – he couldn’t hold back when he was so close to him and it felt like the feelings he had bottled up for so long, were finally spilling over the edge and he was high on the touches, high on the kisses, high on every single second – and he fell even harder than he had already all those years ago.

 

 

Looking back at it right now, Jiyong decided, that that had been the mistake of all mistakes.

 

 

He didn’t look back when he ran outside – his clothes only half done and shoes still open – he didn’t want to see Seunghyun’s face. He couldn’t bare it. Not the hate, the disgust and everything else he had already shown while saying these poisonous things to him, he didn’t want to see it again for just one more second.

The rain was pouring down on him, making his clothes stick to his overheated skin as he ran to his car – streetlights illuminating the dark streets of Seoul at night just enough for him to see where he was going. With each step he got further and further away from the man that had first made him believe in love and had now, once again, shattered his fragile heart in million pieces. Jiyong should be relieved, he would be finally able to let go of whatever they had going on between them – now that he knew that Seunghyun would never feel like he did for sure – but with each step he took, more tears filled his eyes and by the time he reached his car he was crying so hard his eyes already started to feel swollen. Jiyong quickly threw the door shut behind him, fished out his car keys to start the engine and get away.

He ignored his trembling hands and the way his head was spinning.

He ignored the shaky feeling tormenting his whole body and the seemingly bottomless pain he felt inside.

He ignored the fact that alcohol was still pumping through his veins and that the tears and the heavy rain clouded his vision even more.

He just needed to get as far away as possible.

 

Without further do, he started the engine – it roared almost like a wild beast, interrupting the quiet pitter patter sounds of the rain of the empty night streets of Seoul – and took off. He drove past Seunghyun’s house – biting his lip hard and forced his eyes to remain on the streets, not wanting his eyes to play tricks on him, because there was no way in hell that Seunghyun was standing outside on the porch in the middle of the rain – and hit the accelerator. 

Within a few seconds he was away from the place he despised the most – streetlights flashing left and right, appearing as fast as they were disappearing again. Jiyong held onto the steering wheel with both hands – they were wet and still shaking and it was hard to control the car at the speed he was going anyways, the circumstances he was in right now did not make it easier for him to drive at all.

But for some reason, his own safety was the last thing he cared about right now. Jiyong felt his heart beating fast in his chest and with each beat a new wave of pain was being pushed into his body, it was almost as if someone was filling the chambers of his heart with razor blades and pushed them through his veins, while a heavy weight was being pushed down onto his chest.

It was hard to breath.

 

Jiyong was so occupied with the words Seungyhun had said, screamed at him that he didn’t stop at the crossroad – he didn’t see the car that was coming his way either and before he could react there was a loud, white noise and his car abruptly came to a stop. Metallic screeching filled the air and the fresh air that had hold the scent of fresh rain a second ago, now smelled like burned rubber as the tires glided along the rough material of the ground.

 His head snapped forward, right into the airbag and the rest of his body was being pushed forward at a way too high speed, causing his bones to unnaturally shift against one another and his left shoulder to crash hard against the side of the car frame.

 

 

Within the blink of an eye, everything turned dark.

 

 

 

 

Jiyong didn’t know how long he was out – has it been seconds or even hours? – but he heard how another vehicle was taking off, the wet noise of tires screeching against wet asphalt and the sound of it getting smaller the further away the driver got.

 

It had all happened so fast, Jiyong hadn’t even heard the other car approaching, no horn blaring, nothing and everything that had been bothering half a minute ago, was far away right now. It was almost as if he was high – it felt like he was trapped in a bubble, but as the seconds went by and the adrenaline rush that had pumped through his body slowly died down again, his senses came back.

The first thing he noticed was that his car radio was blaring and as if the whole situation wasn’t shitty enough it had to be one of _their_ songs. A song that the both of them, Seunghyun and him, had composed together, written the lyrics together and a song they had promoted together.

It was almost as if the universe was mocking him – Seunghyun’s deep voice echoed through the otherwise silent night and right now, Jiyong just wanted it to stop.

 

 

_What should I sa_ _y?_  
Look baby,  
I only want to greet the morning with you,  
before the night passes,  
our own secret party,  
but you like Cindarella want to go home  
when the clock hits twelve.

 

His vision was still blurry, but he could make out the digits on the electronic clock next to the radio and as if the universe was sending another “fuck you” to him – it showed midnight.

Jiyong carefully pulled back from the airbag – a complete new wave of pain washed through him as he sat up and leaned back in his seat. He acted on autopilot as he heaved himself out of the car, trying to see if anyone else was hurt – but nothing.

The other car was long gone, and the rain was still pouring down hard on him. He looked back at his car – the front had suffered the most, the light on the right side was completely destroyed, but otherwise his car seemed to be fine. With heavy steps he went back to the open door at the driver site and sat back down and as if on cue another wave of pain flooded his body.  
What the hell had he been thinking? Getting into the car in his state? Was he insane?

A thousand thoughts came crashing back and with the wave of information firing through the synapses of his brain, anxiety and panic set in as well. His hands were back to shaking like leaves in the wind, threatening to fall from trees during autumn, and his stomach turned, cramps making it impossible to think straight and a second later he emptied his stomach on the sidewalk.

The rain had soaked through his clothes and as if that wasn’t worse enough during a cold winter night, the adrenaline had now worn off completely and his body went into some sort of shock. Jiyong felt his limbs growing cold – it started in the tips of his fingers and toes and slowly spread through his fingers, hands and feet. A small part of him knew that he should call the police, an ambulance, anyone, to help him out of this shitty situation, but he decided against it.

Jiyong leaned back in his seat, ignore the prominent pain in his shoulder and head and closed the door. The motor was still running and there didn’t seem to be any major damages to the car so he figured it would be save to at least get home without further injury – he chuckled darkly at his own thoughts.

 

One second, he was still sitting in his car, his whole body shaking – the next he closed the door to his home behind himself. He couldn’t really remember what had happened between those two moments, or how he had managed to get home that quick, but he didn’t care about it. All he could think about that moment was Seunghyun.

 

Seunghyun.

 

Seungyhun.

 

Seunghyun. Seunghyun. Seunghyun.

 

Fuck.

 

Jiyong felt his heart contracting painfully at the thought of the other man and he knew he needed something to dull the pain. Every single muscle in his body was screaming at him to finally lie down and rest, even Iye curled himself – like the good cat he was – around his legs, trying to get his attention, but Jiyong simply made a beeline to the where he kept his wine.

He took the first bottle he could reach, opened it and took a huge swing, gulping down the red in one, two, three big gulps, before he set aside the bottle for a moment. It was a Chateau Haut Brion – the kind of wine he and Seunghyun would always drink together when it was just the two of them.

 

Fuck.

 

Seunghyun.

 

Jiyong felt his breathing pick up speed again, but unlike the previous times it wasn’t pain that swept through his body, but rage. It started in the pit of his stomach and within seconds spread through his whole body – how dare this asshole treat him like shit after everything they had done together? How dare he throw away everything he had thought they had had together and pretending as if nothing had happened? Why did he act as if nothing was wrong? While Jiyong was the one suffering?

 

Fuck him.

 

The bottle of red flew through the room so fast, Jiyong was almost surprised by the shattering noise it made. He watched the splinters bounce off of the white wall, as the liquid covered the even surface and slowly trickled down, probably leaving permanent marks.

A second time that night, his fast reactions failed him as Iye darted through the room, between his legs and straight to where the shards of glass were laying on the ground-

“Iye, no!”, but the cat didn’t listen – instead stepped closer and started to lick off the wine of one of the shards.

Immediately, Jiyong was at his site, lifting him up as fast as he could. What the hell had he been thinking? Had he been thinking at all? Tonight, didn’t seem to be the night where he used his brain much – he knew that he was completely fucked tonight, but he would never let anything happen to his precious cat.

 

“What the fuck is going on here?”

The voice straddled him, even though it really shouldn’t. After all Dami, his older sister, lived with him. Jiyong was still standing in the kitchen – Iye in a tight grip so he wouldn’t run away again – and he knew the second Dami looked at him, that he must have looked like utter shit.

Within a second she was by his side-

“Oh god. Jiyong, what happened to you? You are bleeding and you are completely drenched, and you’re ice cold!”

Dami immediately took Iye from his care and took him by his hand, dragging him to his own room and connected bathroom. She made him sit on his bed like a small kid and truth to be told, at that moment he felt like he was eight years old again and he had just scrapped his knees while playing outside. Dami had always taken care of him, despite their mother being there for them all the time. She had always joked that Jiyong was the baby of the family, no matter how old he got he would always get pampered by all of them.

A few minutes passed and at the back of his head he knew Dami was talking to him, but he wasn’t really answering. His mind was getting hazy again and his head started to spin.

The last thing he saw before everything went black again was Dami, looking at him with such a fearful expression he immediately wanted to hug her. His head hit the soft comforter and he heard the doorbell ring, before he slipped into unconsciousness for the second time that night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Act ll: Part l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize that this chapter is rather short again - this part of the story does not  
> come as easily to me as the other parts did, but the good thing is that after the next chapter  
> the easier part for me to write starts again. After that, I should have more fun with writing  
> this again, meaning there will hopefully be more updates as well. (Allthough, I can't garantee  
> you this, since I will be starting University soon and then I will be gone for 6 weeks). 
> 
> If you want to talk to me about GTOP or anything BigBang related, you can find me on  
> Tumblr: mottemottemotte/motteme_art  
> Twitter: motteme_art  
> Instagram: motteme_art
> 
> Once again, I am sorry for the slow updates and short chapters, I hope I will be able to  
> write a long chapter for this fic again soon.
> 
> PS: AO3 is being a bit annoying bc it sometimes adds "-" randomly to my story even though  
> I did not put it there lmao. Have fun while reading this though!

** Act ll: Part l ** ** “Pâro”  **

* * *

* * *

 

 

_n_. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

 

* * *

* * *

****

****

Waking up was not something he thought would be this painful.

Body wise and mentally-wise.

His head is pounding, and his throat is as dry as sandpaper, same goes for his lips. He can feel his bones shift against one another as he slowly moves his body and his muscles aching when he tries to move around a bit. The softness of the bed he is lying on doesn’t do much as pain travels through his limbs. Jiyong can feel the stiffness in his neck, the ache in his shoulders and the tightness of an injury on the side of his head and it makes him feel noxious. He doesn’t want to open his eyes – if he does that he would have to deal with the outside world and the things that happened the night before and he isn’t ready. He just wants to go to sleep a little while longer, maybe even for a couple of weeks. Anything. He needs a time off from everything and everyone – especially that one person.

Jiyong doesn’t even want to think about his name – everything was fine. Everything was going great. They were starting to record their new album, he was overflown with new ideas and even concepts for their long-awaited comeback, but he had to fuck up. Of course.  

He couldn’t decide what hurt more.

The whiplash in his neck from the crash the night before and the ache in his body, or the feeling of his heart breaking into a million pieces. The pain he started to feel while his heart started to pound away in his chest was getting worse, the more conscious he got. Couldn’t he just fall into a coma, so he wouldn’t have to deal with this feeling ripping a metaphorical wound into his chest?

Apparently not.

Slowly, the outside sounds started to come through to him. Jiyong could hear someone talk absently – it was as if his head was wrapped in cotton and a thick blanket, he couldn’t understand a single thing they were saying right no. Not like he really cared at that moment, he just wanted to slip back into unconsciousness – but the more he fought the feeling of waking up, the more awake he got, and it wasn’t long before he realized the person talking, was his mother. Somewhere to his left.

His sides burned, and so did his eyes as he slowly opened them.

“Jiyong?”

The soft voice of his mother.

He slowly turned his head to the side of where her voice was coming from.  
She was sitting next to his bed on a white chair, her round face painted with worry and fear, but overflown with relieve and happiness as his eyes started to focus on the room stopped to spin.

“Hey, mom.”

His own voice sounded like the one of a stranger.

Immediately, two nurses where by his side, asking him to sit up.

He did. It was painful and hard, but he did. His vision was still blurry, and the room started to spin again, but he was awake and sitting straight. Jiyong felt his mother holding onto his hand and he squeezed back, showing her that he was okay – but was he really? He didn’t know. Fuck, he had no idea if he was even remotely okay, but right now he needed to reassure his mother. Maybe, if he could trick her into thinking he was alright, maybe he could start believing that too?

A sudden wave of emotional pain swept through him as the memories from last night – was it last night? – washed through him and before he could react, tears were rolling down his cheeks.

He hastily wipes them away with the back of his hand, but the tears just won’t stop.

Jiyong can’t even lift his eyes to look at anyone around him and the room is suddenly too small, he almost feels like a bird trapped in a cage, and his grip on his mother’s hand turns stronger. She is by his side in the matter of seconds, wrapping her arm around him, making he feel like the little boy he still is inside. The tears he had tried to hold back are now flowing, one chased by another, collecting at the edge of his jaw, before dropping down onto the soft blanket that pooled around his waist.

The chattering around him stops and after another minute it is only Jiyong and his mom in the room, but instead of letting go of her warm embrace he buries his face in the crook of her neck and just cries harder. The pain in his neck completely forgotten as he clings onto her, trying to get the comfort he needs right now to somehow make it through this and even though, the warm embrace and the soothing cooing noises she is making in order to calm him down, the aching feeling inside his chest and the pounding of his heart did not stop.

 

The pain didn’t go away.

 

****

°

 

Jiyong had woken up during the early morning and after his mother had made sure that he was alright his father was the one who visited him next. He almost broke a rip when he hugged his son a little bit too enthusiastically and immediately let go as he heard the sharp intake of breath.

“How are you feeling?”

Jiyong is already sick of that question already, but he bites his tongue.

 

After his mental breakdown a lot of things happen in what feels like the span of a second. He finally calmed down enough to answer the questions the doctor had for him and he had to cringe inwardly as he admitted to drunk driving. He felt the judgemental look from his parents, but he tried to ignore it. His doctor informed him that he will have to stay for a bit in the hospital, until he can go home again. He is also on strict rest for at least two or three weeks, which gets a groan from him, but a glare from everyone in the room – his parents, sister – who was the next one to nearly break another rip –  and from his doctor.

He can already hear Hyunsuk cussing at him.

 

Once the doctor finally left, they fall into their usual banter as a family. Dami is the one talking about her new fashion line, which she is going to sell in her boutique, their father is nagging at her for selling fashion that looks utterly terrible and their mother chides him for not knowing anything about fashion to begin with.

They don’t ask any questions about his crash, not yet at least, which is a pleasant surprise for Jiyong, but he is grateful for it. The memory of the fight was still fresh to him and whenever he closes his eyes for a second to rest he can still see Seunghyun’s face, twisted in anger and shouting at him.  
He has to close his eyes and bite his lip in order not to cry in front of his family.

He knows that they notice, but they don’t press him for details, only ask him if he needs more painkillers and if there is anything they can do for him. Jiyong denies both with a tired smile on his face and he is about to ask them to maybe leave for a bit, so he can sleep, when his father’s phone rings, signalling he got a message.

“This stubborn boy, I told him they wouldn’t let him in, because he is not a relative.”

Jiyong almost doesn’t understand his father.

“What?”

“Seungyhun, this boy is as stubborn as a mule – he just got here _again_ , let me talk to the nurse for a second so they will let him in-“

“No!”

Everyone stared at Jiyong. A second ago, Dami was happily chatting with their mother, the next the room fell into dead silence after Jiyong’s almost shout. He could feel the panic rising inside his chest as his family looked at him with a mixture of confusion and uncertainty.

His posture changed from carefree to complete fight or flight mode. He felt the stares on him and the only think that he could do was look aside. He didn’t want to explain a damn thing – everything was fine, he was having a pleasant talk with his family and now this asshole had to show up and make everything go to shit again. Jiyong could feel the mood changing, dropping from a warm family reunion so to say to an ice-cold atmosphere.

He could hear his father mumbling something along the lines of telling him that he didn’t want to see anyone right now, but he isn’t listening anymore. His eyes dart through the room, anywhere but the pleading eyes of his family and he felt his heart going crazy in his chest. Too bad that his family is well aware of this, since the beeping noises rapidly go up.

Jiyong bites his tongue. He really doesn’t know what to say or do and simply prays that they won’t ask any questions.

Another painfully awkward silence is between them before another nurse is rushing inside the room to make sure everything is fine.

He can feel the panic inside of him slowly going down again, but now tiredness washes through his body and Jiyong just wants to sleep. He gets a new dose of morphine from the nurse, sending him into a sleepless dream.

 

When Jiyong finally wakes up again later and is greeted by the tired smile of his father.

 

They talk. Only small talk at first.

He informs Jiyong that one of his ribs is slightly cracked and that he suffered a server concussion, but that after what he told the doctor it is a good thing he only suffered from these minor injuries. His dad tells him that he will have to use a crutch for the first two weeks as well, since his lateral collateral ligament in his left ankle is slightly torn and that he should use an orthopaedic splint for protection at least for four weeks.

Jiyong inwardly cringes at that as well. Four weeks are a long time when you should be practicing dances for the upcoming dome tour in Japan.

 

Hyunsuk will definitely have his head.

****

****

°

 

It almost feels like ages until he is finally left alone again, and conscious – his mother almost didn’t want to leave his side – same goes for Dami, but his father had somehow been able to drag the both of them away, telling them that they needed to rest and would be able to see him again the next morning.

Jiyong silently thanked him with a tired smile.

His father smiled back warmly before he pushed the two women out of the room.

 

Jiyong lets out a sigh as he leaned back in his bed.

It is almost ten in the evening by now and even though he can feel the tiredness in his bones and the heaviness of his eyelids, he still isn’t able to sleep. His thoughts are racing as the silence in the room grows louder and he isn’t able to shut them out. Why was Seunghyun at the hospital after everything that had happened the last time they had seen each other? The older man must have known that he wouldn’t be able to visit – all the other members had been sane enough to understand that visiting him in the hospital, no matter how private, would only cause a scene and would probably cause a scandal thanks to their terrible media and Dispatch. He felt a headache coming. Jiyong didn’t even want to check his phone – he probably had a shit ton of messages and none of them would make him feel better right now.

Jiyong cursed at himself – he had been weak. How could he have been so stupid to let a personal matter make him spin out of control like that? He could already see the headlines of the scandal – this would not only have a bad effect on him, but it would also have a huge effect on BigBang. Something he had always tried to prevent – no matter what was going on in his personal life, BigBang was more important than that, he couldn’t let his own stupid feelings get in the way of something as important as this and possibly ruin it for everyone else.

Anger suddenly flared through his mind. How could he have been so stupid to nearly risk it all for someone that wasn’t even acknowledging his feelings? For someone, that was only using him as his own private fuck toy? For someone, Jiyong had done almost everything for and that should be thanking him and kissing his boots for helping him get into YG? Jiyong clenched his fists as tears of rage formed in his eyes.

It was as if someone was finally lifting the veil which had clouded his vision. He would never let that asshole ruin him or his reputation like that ever again.

He was G Dragon after all.

He was worthier than anyone else out there.

Thousands, if not millions were trying to get into his pants and he would let one ungrateful soul make him feel like this? Certainly not.

If he didn’t want Kwon Jiyong, he was not worth more than those knetz that were by now probably dragging his name through dirt. If he couldn’t see that he was losing the most precious trophy of them all, then fuck him. Fuck Choi Seunghyun. He was done with him.

Sure. Jiyong knew that he would have to work with him in order to not let BigBang down, but Seunghyun had not only hurt his feelings and made him feel like shit, Seunghyun had also hurt his pride and if he knew anything about a dragon’s pride, then that you do not break it.

 

Jiyong was going to make Seungyhun pay for what he had done to him. One way or another, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

 

 

°

 

 

Sometime during the second day of his stay in the hospital his sister, bless her soul, was so kind to bring him his phone and a few other things to keep him occupied. At first, Jiyong had been really happy to get his phone back, to have something to do besides to stare at the clinical white wall in his room, but as soon as he saw how many messages and missed phone calls he had he wasn’t so sure anymore.

Thankfully, Dami had already called Hyunsuk and had somehow managed to calm him down. Jiyong really didn’t know how she had manged to do that, but he had been forever thankful for her. He didn’t even want to think about the meeting he would have to face, once he took a step out of this hospital.

He shuddered at the mere thought of it.

Jiyong went through the several notifications he had on his phone – most were from the members, family and some other of his close friends, asking if everything was okay and telling him how much they worried about him. He answered all of them as well as he could, with a warm smile on his face. Jiyong hadn’t even realised how dangerous the situation had been, but the more messages he read, the more he felt like shit. How could he have been so stupid?

The anger and frustration he had felt the day before all came crashing back, but with the anger, the feeling of a broken heart came back as well. It was as if his emotions were divided into different layers of his being – on the surface, he felt like tearing his hospital room apart. His own stupidity had almost been the end of BigBang, how the hell could – as the leader, the one who always chided the other members to watch their every step – make such a mistake? The bitter taste of regret lingered on his tongue as he opened his Instagram. Thousands of comments had been posted under the picture he had posted the last time – 5 days ago. VIPs from around the world being worried about his wellbeing, not knowing what was going on and making him feel guilty. If Anger was the first layer, regret and guilt was the second. He had been too blinded by his own feelings, about the pain he had carried, and still carried, inside of him that he hadn’t realised how much of an impact he had on other people around him, on people he didn’t even know, who looked up to him and loved him for what he did – to throw that away simply because of a broken heart? Jiyong clicked his tongue and bit on the inside of his cheeks as the anger started to come back. It was making him sick to even think about his own mistakes, about the man he had risked everything for.

As if on cue, Jiyong received another message on line. He hadn’t bothered to check the messages Seunghyun had sent to him and he sure as hell wouldn’t read them now. Burning with anger, he opened the app and pressed on the chat with Seunghyun, holding it until a window popped up, showing him different actions, he could make with said account and without further do he pressed on the “delete” button. Jiyong should have felt some form of guilt, he really should – but all he felt at that moment was relief. Relief that he wouldn’t have to face Seunghyun any time soon, relief that he wouldn’t have to listen to a thing the man would have to say. Sure, they had been friends for such a long time, but there was only so much Jiyong could endure and the way he felt right now, he would probably end up punching his stupid face in if he would see him. He tapped back to his contacts on his line account, scrolling down until he saw Seunghyun’s contact. Would he really be that petty and block him? It only took a few seconds for Jiyong to make a decision – he pressed onto the contact again and pressed the block option.

He had had enough.

If Seunghyun didn’t want his love, he didn’t deserve his friendship either. Not with the way he had been treated in a long time. Jiyong wouldn’t be able to move on from the pain he felt any time soon and he would definitely not pretend that everything was okay, that everything was fine between them. He simply couldn’t.

And with that, the third and final layer of emotions swept through him.

Pain. Regret. A broken heart.

He bit his lip, trying to hold back the tears that were about to roll down his cheeks, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop them. His vision turned blurry as the tears just wouldn’t stop.

Jiyong shook his head.

No.

He couldn’t be this weak, he was G Dragon and G Dragon wouldn’t cry all day because of a broken heart. G Dragon was strong, fierce – in ways Kwon Jiyong couldn’t be. His breathing got uneven again and grew shaky as more and more tears rolled down his cheeks – he could already feel his nose clogging up as well and before he knew what came over him, he was a sobbing mess. His eyes burning from all the crying, his throat dry from the sometimes deep and long and sometimes short and uneven breaths he took, while hiccupping and curling himself into a ball.

He would be strong.

He would kick Seunghyun in the face if he had to.

G Dragon was going to make him regret treating him like dirt,

while Kwon Jiyong’s heart was breaking.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 


	8. Act ll: Part l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally managed to write a longer chapter again!   
> Hope you guys enjoy it - or at least like how I wrote it and the lenght. Not sure if you guys will like what is happening.   
> Leave a comment and tell me what you think!

** Act ll: Part l: ** ** “Pâro” **

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

_n_. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

****

As much as he wanted to shove his stage persona and use it as a shield, he couldn’t to it.

Not yet, at least. The emotions were still too rare, hurt too deep to be simply pushed aside like that – but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t trying his best to ignore the stabbing pain he felt. Deep down, he knew that he was lying to himself as he tried to build up this wall of his stage persona around him – but only deep down. If he wouldn’t overthink the whole situation, he wouldn’t hear the tiny voices at the back of his head that spoke to him and made his heart bleed. He pushed them aside.

Besides, it was not like he didn’t have any other problems.

Over the next few days, weeks even, Jiyong was forced to stay at home. His injuries needed to heal before he could go back to work, after all, but for some reason he couldn’t enjoy his time off. Normally, he would have been grateful for such a long time off, but this time around it more felt like punishment than bliss. The more time passed, the more he felt like a trapped animal in a cage – the room seemed to shrink with each passing day, causing him to almost get claustrophobic. It got even worse when Jiyong started to feel restless – an itch just below his skin, an itch he couldn’t reach which slowly drove him mad. It was almost as if his body was stuck on the adrenaline rush he had felt after the accident. His body craved movement and Jiyong couldn’t do anything but wait – it was torture. It didn’t help either that his family and friends treated him as if he was some fragile little thing that would break as soon as they moved too suddenly or even looked at him the wrong way because of the injuries on the surface, but he tried to ignore it nevertheless. He didn’t feel like arguing – at least not with them.

  
Something that was driving him mad as well was how the tiniest things would remind him of Seung- the person he hated the most right now. He would come out from the bathroom after a relaxing bath and enter his room and his eyes would land on the various paintings he had on the walls – paintings he usually loved like the two by George Condo right over his bed.

He ended up putting them into the storage room in the basement on his second day at home and scolded himself for even _thinking_ about that man. Jiyong was done – he would never let that person hurt him again. Whenever that someone would end up popping up in his mind, he would frantically try to busy himself – reading a book, trying to memorize poems or even old lyrics he had found again, while cleaning his apartment a bit. Jiyong told himself that it worked, that not facing the pain he felt inside was the best way to solve it. If something wasn’t there, it wouldn’t be able to hurt him.

But sadly, that is not how it worked in real life.

His emotions were all over the place.

Jiyong would start crying at random times. He had seemingly no control over his emotions – one moment he was completely calm, petting Iye and cuddling the cat, and the next moment he felt a sudden wave of pain. It always started with a heavy feeling pressing down on his chest – causing his breathing to go from even and normal, to short and ragged within seconds. The heaviness would soon spread over his abdomen, turning into an unpleasant ache on the left side of his chest – his heart pounding heavily against his ribs. He always tried to ignore it, push it away – much like the other pain he felt, but it only made things worse and before he knew it, he would feel the wet, hot tears, streaming down his cheeks and dripping from his chin.

 

As if the constant _need_ to do _something_ wasn’t enough, as if the sudden sobbing attacks – that haunted him more often than he would like to admit – and the unbearable pain he felt thanks to this asshole, who he vehemently _not_ thought about, wasn’t enough, to top it all – his mind was blank.

As much as his body had the urge to move – his mind was the complete opposite. It was as if the stress of the past few weeks and all the pain, the anger that would surface again and again, seemed to increase the longer he remained at home and stopped him from being able to be productive. It was as if it was paralyzing him – putting his mind to a stop and causing an imbalance that completely threw him off. Jiyong had lost count how many times he had reached for a pen and paper and had tried to come up with a few lines for a new song or even a melody, something, anything he could work with Teddy on – but nothing.   
On the bright side, the painkillers he got were doing their job – at least something in this house was working, Jiyong thought to himself bitterly whenever another wave of emptiness would wash over him while he stared on his blank computer screen. All his life he had been drilled to be able to come up with songs and lyrics just like that – writing one or even two songs every day during his trainee years, but all of it seemed to go to waste. It was adding stress to the itch he was already feeling and whenever he tried to sit still, his leg would start to bounce on his own – causing the whole desk to shake.

Jiyong didn’t know what to do, he had never encountered a situation like this. Sure, every artist suffered from minor blocks – be it writing, painting or whatever profession you have, being stuck a little is normal and sometimes can even help you out, but not this time.

While he was having another stare down with the blank sheet of paper in front of him, his phone suddenly chimed up and pulled him out of his thoughts. He reached over to the dresser where he had placed it previously, punched in the code and opened line. Apparently, the guys were planning a little get together at the house of the person he didn’t want to see – saying something along the lines of not having spent time together as five for weeks now, but it only made his stomach twist painfully.

He would have to face him – eventually. He knew that, but certainly not _now_ , not _today_ , not when he still didn’t have his emotions on track and when he wasn’t able to write a god damn thing.

Jiyong felt the heat in his cheeks and the anger in the pit of his stomach flare up when he only read the name – let alone face this ignorant ass. He knew that there was a huge possibility of their next meeting to end in a shouting match – at least on his side. Not like that was anything new – while the older man had always worked hard in the past, there had been times when he just wouldn’t do shit during their dance practice or vocal training, or when he had set his mind to something he wanted to do a certain way and not the way the rest of the team wanted to do it. They had clashed more often in the past than Jiyong had been willing to admit, but then again it was part of their chemistry and had pushed them to new highs whenever they finally came to an end.

But now, things were different.

Jiyong didn’t give a shit what Seunghyun would do or what he thought, he didn’t even want to hear him open his god damn mouth – it would only fuel his anger.

He let his phone drop back onto the dresser and pretended he hadn’t seen the message and went back to work.

Sadly, his best friend knew him all too well and simply showed up on his doorstep when he wouldn’t answer the text massages in their chat with a slightly sour expression on his face. Jiyong didn’t say anything, but simply walked back into his apartment – leaving the door open for Youngbae to come inside. He knew what was about to come and he tried to brace himself emotionally for it, but he already felt tears swelling up in his eyes. Jiyong bit his lip and willed them away.

“Want a beer?”

If he judged the atmosphere right, he would need a little bit of Dutch courage to survive the upcoming conversation. Jiyong didn’t wait for an answer, already knowing that Youngbae wasn’t the type of person that would drink something shortly after noon and padded into the kitchen. When he walked back into the living room Youngbae had already taken a seat on the black leather couch, carefully scratching Iye behind his left ear and smiled softly.

“Spill it, what do you want.” He took one, two swings of the bottle and looked at Youngbae.

The soft smile disappeared and the slight scowl from earlier appeared again. He could practically see Youngbae fighting with himself, trying to come up with what he should say, wanted to say to Jiyong, while trying to mask it in a way that wouldn’t take a stab at Jiyong’s temperament. When Youngbae didn’t come up with anything, Jiyong sighed – about to get up and get another beer, when he finally opened his mouth.

“How are you feeling?” – his friends voice was soft, smaller than usually and he felt his eyes on him.

“Just fine.” More beer.

“Oh, come on, don’t lie to me like that.”

This wasn’t going to be pretty, he could already tell.

Jiyong put away the almost empty bottle and fished out another one from the fridge.

“Jiyong, I know you – when you first came out of the hospital I thought it were side effects from the crash, that maybe you suffered from PTSD or something – _hell_ I am not a doctor – but this is different.”

Youngbae looked at him, trying to find something in his eyes. Jiyong simply leaned against the counter and stared back at him.

“You haven’t been sleeping properly.”

No shit. Try going to sleep when your body was on overdrive and your heart broken into a million pieces.

“I have also talked to Dami, she told me that you are crying a lot these days and that you put all the wine and even some paintings into the storage room.”

Jiyong didn’t like were this conversation was going.

“So what, a change of preference when it comes to alcohol and the need to decorate this place in another way is problematic?”

“We both know that that was not what I meant.”

Jiyong took another swing from the beer can. He knew that Youngbae knew what this really was about, but he didn’t feel like explaining. He didn’t want to have to justify his behaviour.

Youngbae sighed.

“Fine, if you don’t want to do this the pleasant way, then I’ll do it the unpleasant way.”

Jiyong already felt his heartbeat picking up.

“These are all things you got from Seunghyun – Dami confirmed it. You only put paintings that Seunghyun gave to you into the storage, but you left the other’s just where they are. The wine you had stocked up in the kitchen is Seunghyun’s favourite and you put it away. Dami told me that you even put other presents you got from Seunghyun over the years away.”

He crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to appear tough while Youngbae was talking, but Jiyong already felt his blood boil. Damn his sister for noticing everything.

“The time after Paris Fashion Week and before your accident – you were moody, snapped at people and had a sad look on your face, whenever someone mentioned Seunghyun. I didn’t ask any questions, because I know that when you feel pain you will come to me and open up, because that is how you overcome it. You normally don’t lock yourself away and ignore all our messages – that’s normally what Seunghyun does, but not you.”

Jiyong inhaled sharply as he got compared to that man. How dare Youngbae insult him like that, he was nothing like that asshole –

“I thought it would get better over time and that whatever you were going through would either pass, or you would finally come and talk to me like you always did, but it only got so much worse after the accident.”

Youngbae paused, looking at Jiyong with a worried expression.

“Something happened in Paris – something between you and Seunghyun, am I right?”

A painful twist in his stomach.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”, but he knew that one look at him told Youngbae everything.

He took a shaky breath.

“When you came back you were in such a good mood on the first day back home, but the more time passed, the more you fell into sadness. Around that time Seunghyun started to go out with Kyungil more often and went out for drinks – and by what he told me they even picked up girls.”

Another pause from Youngbae.

“So what, he can fuck who he wants to fuck – why are you telling me this?”

“Because it is the only way I can figure things out. If you won’t tell me what exactly happen, I’ll have to coax emotions out of you – you know, your eyes are really expressive. You always sucked at hiding what you felt.”

“And what the fuck are they telling you?”

Youngbae sighed.

“Jiyong, you told me years ago that you were in love with Seunghyun. Back then, I thought it would pass, that it was nothing more than puppy love that would eventually fade and that you would move on, but then you guys started this whole “friends-with-benefits” bullshit and I knew that you wouldn’t be able to let him go. You tried to hide it and I have to say you did a really good job – sometimes you even fooled me. All these random hook-ups with strangers, the short flings you have every now and then with models and all that flirting at parties. I thought that maybe you really were just fucking Seunghyun, because you were scared that someone might find out that you swing both ways, since the only man who has ever touched you is Seunghyun – but then I would see the look on your face when Seunghyun would make a shitty joke and your whole face would lit up and you would nearly double over from laughter. I saw how you were able to relax in his presence and flirted with him in almost an innocent way that even made me roll my eyes – all the flirting you do at parties is so different from when you are with Seunghyun – it’s straight forward. When you flirt at parties, you only have one goal – sex. You don’t care about the person you are picking up, you just want to get off and leave afterwards, but with Seunghyun there is this sweetness and tenderness – even shyness –  you don’t show to anyone else and this hasn’t changed in during the past – god, how long has it been since you told me you loved him? Ten years?”

“Is there a reason for that monologue or-“, Jiyong almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It was fragile, weak and quiet.

“I think that you tried to convince yourself that you didn’t had any feelings for him anymore and I also think that you truly wanted to put these feelings behind when you planned that trip to Paris – almost as if saying goodbye, but I think your plan backfired. Instead of burying these feelings for good, Paris broke down that wall and the feelings you had all bottled up for years now, spilled out again.”

Bingo.

Tears were falling from his eyes, but he didn’t dare to move. He only gripped the bottle in his hand tighter and continued to stare at Youngbae.

“If you are so sure about this, then why the hell are you telling me this?”

“Because I think you are denying it and these feelings are eating you alive. I thought the time before the accident was bad, but now it got even worse. Tell me, that night of the accident – you went to see Seunghyun, didn’t you?”

Jiyong felt like his knees were going to give out at any moment.

“You finally had had enough of whatever had been going on between you and Seunghyun, but it didn’t turn out as planned – you had a fight and you had been drinking because of him, am I right?”

He couldn’t look at Youngbae but moved his head. A small nod that was barely visible if you didn’t pay close attention to his face.

“Whatever happened that night – whatever he did, it’s the reason you are not talking to him anymore? Why you blocked him on line?”

Jiyong didn’t know that talking about this could hurt this much.

Another small nod.

He tightened the arms in front of his chest, almost as if trying to hold himself together. He was barely holding on anymore and he really didn’t feel like having a mental breakdown right now. He wanted, no – needed to be comforted right now. Anything – a hug, a few words of encouragement that everything will be alright, that it was okay for him to act the way he did because he needed it in order to overcome the pain, but what Youngbae said next was the exact opposite of what he needed to hear right now.

“You know, Seunghyun is in a really bad place right now, too. Maybe you should talk to him and make whatever happened between you guys up – you can’t just hide here and pretend that you are not hurting, you need to let whatever happened go if you-“

It felt like he just got sucker punched.

“Are you fucking serious?” – his voice was a low, almost growling hiss. No trace of the fragile and broken one from before.

“You want _me_ to apologize to this asshole?! After what he did to me?” Tears spilled down his face.

“Jiyong, that was not what I was trying to-“

“Oh. It most definitely was! Let me guess, you are worried about that fucker, because he hasn’t come out of his house and isn’t talking to any of you? Well, sucks to be him if he is going through a hard time – what is his problem anyway? Can’t find a bitch to fuck? Whatever it is I don’t fucking care – this asshole treated me like shit and there is no way in hell that _I_ will be the one who comes crawling to him, begging for forgiveness-“

“I don’t want you to beg for forgiveness, I want you to talk to each-“

“Do you have any idea what he did to me? Do you even know? Obviously not, because then you wouldn’t be here trying to convince me to be the one to make this right! This asshole doesn’t deserve my forgiveness and he never will. If he had the tiniest respect for me as a friend, he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did-“

A shirt pause.

“- but apparently he is not the _only_ friend I lost.”

Jiyong didn’t even wait for Youngbae to say anything – he stormed out of the living room and made a beeline for his own, slamming the door shut behind him, locking the door and blasting music loudly from the speakers. He didn’t want to interact with anyone, he didn’t want to see a single human being. All of them always told him what to do, what to say, what to feel – even his parents and sister had carefully tried to ask him about what was going on, that he should simply _talk things out with him_. But he couldn’t. It hurt too much – it wasn’t something that would be repaired by simply talking to each other – not like the other man would understand his pain anyways. No. This wouldn’t be solved that easily. Jiyong threw himself onto his bed, curling up in a ball and puling the thick blanket over him – he needed comfort. Comfort he had hoped his _best friend_ would give him, but apparently, he was wrong.

He didn’t know how long he was in his room, crying his heart out until his eyes were swollen and red, his nose was stuffy, and no more tears would come out. His throat was dry and hurt from the sharp intakes of breath he had taken whenever he would crumble and sob pathetically into his pillow.

Eventually, he managed to calm down – the loud music no longer a comfort, but a pain.

He turned it off.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

Jiyong didn’t know how much time had passed since he had locked himself away like that, but his stomach told him that it was time to finally eat something again. While he normally tried to eat all his meals he just couldn’t get himself to eat as regularly as he should. It was not because he wanted to lose weight or something – these days he was actually quite happy with how he looked – but because whenever he wanted to eat something, a wave of nausea would hit him, and a familiar wetness would roll down his face. Whenever he wasn’t doing well emotionally his stomach would be upset – it had always been like that. If he was too stressed, he wouldn’t be able to eat something either and the past few weeks certainly didn’t help him keeping up with a healthy eating habit.

After heating up the leftovers from the food his mom had brought him the day before, he sat down at the empty dinner table, digging into his food with the chopsticks he was holding. Jiyong was hungry, but for some reason the food in front of him made him feel sick. His stomach was already turning unpleasantly, and he knew he had to eat something. He tried to ignore the slight nausea he felt and forced down a few bites of food – it got better after the fourth bite.

Jiyong almost felt like human again a few days later after eating something and taking a long overdue bubble bath. His injuries had almost healed completely by now – only a few bruises left at the side of his ribs and his ankle. The pounding in his head from all the crying the day before had finally died down as well – if things continued to go like this he might actually be able to be creative for once, but the bad feeling in his stomach didn’t go away. He had been feeling bad for a while now, but after the fight he had with Youngbae, the heavy feeling in his stomach got worse again. Jiyong walked over to one of the cupboards in the kitchen, taking out a small glass and a bottle of whiskey while swaying his hips from side to side while listening to the music he had turned on as soon as he left the bathroom.

Thankfully Dami had left just a minute before. It was not that he didn’t appreciate her company – he really did – but ever since the accident she was behaving worse than their mother. She would constantly ask if he needed something, if she should cook something for him – which was usually just as bad as whatever Jiyong was able to create in the kitchen – or if he wanted to talk. While he was really grateful for her always giving him a hug when he needed one, even cuddling him when he went through another crying fit – his sister had been a bit suffocating during the past few days. It was probably because of the fight he had with Youngbae – they were all close, so she must have been aware of their falling out.  
Jiyong took a sip from the glass, enjoying the slight burn he felt when the whiskey went down his throat and poured himself a little bit more into the glass. He was about to sit down and read something, when he heard a knock on the front door.

“This women, always forgetting something when she leaves..”, Jiyong grumbled more to himself than to anyone else as he walked up to the door. He was still holding his whiskey in one hand as he opened the door.

“Dami, I told you a hundred times, check your stuff before you lea-“

When Jiyong finally looked up to see who he was talking to, it felt like a ton of bricks crashed down on him. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think – all he was aware of was the burning feeling of the whiskey on his tongue, which now felt like it was suffocating him, and the heavy pounding of his heart. The music which had previously flooded the flat tuned out completely and was only a small, white noise at the back of his head.

“Jiyong..”

There, in front of him, stood no one else than Choi Seunghyun.

His knees went weak and he felt how his hand muscles relaxed in shock and he dropped the glass full of whiskey, shattering to the ground. The other man looked like hell. If he hadn’t known him since his childhood, he probably wouldn’t have recognized him – but before Seunghyun could open his mouth to say something again Jiyong took a step back and slammed the door shut. His hands and knees were shaking, and he felt dizzy – what the hell was he doing here? Couldn’t he just leave him alone? Jiyong fell back against the door – too weak in the legs and slid down until he sat on the ground, the whiskey getting soaked into his sweatpants.

“Jiyong, please..”

He heard Seunghyun’s voice through the door. It was almost weird. In all the years he had known him he had never heard his voice so desperate, so broken – it was as if he heard the voice of a stranger, but then again, maybe he didn’t know Seunghyun at all? He had thought that the other man had maybe developed some feelings for him during their stay in Paris, but he had been wrong. In the end, he had no clue what the other man was thinking.

“Are you still there?”

The voice sounded closer, as if Seunghyun was standing just millimetres away from the door, but he couldn’t get himself to move a single muscle. His whole body was tensed, and he felt like he was either going to suffocate or hyperventilate, Jiyong only managed to hold back the sobs that were about to slip from his lips when he pressed his hand over his mouth. His skin was already wet from tears.

“Please, if you are still there..please, let me talk to you.”

It felt like Seunghyun was stabbing him right in the heart, twisting the knife again and again to cause him as much pain as possible. Suddenly the memories of their last conversation came flying back.

_“Get the hell out of my house.”_

No.

_“You spoiled brat, always wanting everyone on their knees-!”_

Please.

_“-you are like one of these brainless, soulless fuckers that fuck up everyone else’s life-“_

Not again.

_“You are the lowest kind, using everyone around you just so you can have one of your power trips.”_

 

There was rustling and shuffling on the other side of the door and Jiyong heard a shaky sigh. As quick as his legs could carry him he staggered into the living room, reaching for the whiskey bottle again and taking a big gulp, another one – the liquor burning down his throat. It was a pain he welcomed, because it tuned out the pain he felt in his chest. Jiyong let himself fall onto the couch, all energy drained from him as he felt the effects of the alcohol in his system. The faint buzzing and tingling in his finger was similar to the itch he had felt all the time he was at home – yet it was still different. His limbs were cold, and he was shaking. He took another three gulps of whiskey, before he set aside the bottle and almost immediately fell asleep.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

When Jiyong woke up the next day, the pounding in his head was back again and it tasted like a cat had taken a piss on his tongue. So much for life getting better again. He really should stop drowning his sorrow in wine. With a groan he slowly sat up – with a small smile on his lips he realized Dami must have placed a blanket over him while he was asleep. He wrapped the blanket around his skinny frame and dragged himself into the kitchen and immediately gulped down two glasses of water and some painkillers. No matter how often you drank something, the hangover would always be there to greet you in the morning.

His back ached. As much as he loved the design of his couch, it was certainly not made for someone to sleep on it the whole night and way into the afternoon apparently. Jiyong glanced at the clock opposite of him – it was already four in the afternoon. He must have been completely out of it after what happened yesterday. Jiyong didn’t even want to think about the whole disaster, he just hoped that Dami didn’t step into the glass shards when she came home later that night.

As if on cue, his sister emerged from the hallway. She was dressed in sweatpants as well and her hair was messy – she looked like she didn’t get much sleep.

“Oh, you are finally awake?” Her voice sounded tired, but there was a small smile on her lips.

“Yeah, apparently I really needed the sleep..”

“Well, it could be that – or the alcohol you drank last night.” Dami meant to this him, he knew that, but it came out like a snarl – way sharper than, hopefully, intended.

“I cleaned up the mess in the hallway, next time please make sure not to drop a glass right at the entrance. I nearly stepped into it when I came home.”

“Sorry..”, his voice was small and he felt a wave of shame wash over him, “it’s just that..yesterday really wasn’t a good day for me and I was too out of it to clean it up. I’m sorry.”

Dami looked at him for a few seconds, as if she was thinking about something, until she carefully guided Jiyong back to the couch and sat him down.

“Maybe you could tell me your side of what happened yesterday? What happened yesterday?”

Jiyong immediately felt like running. He knew that he would finally have to tell Dami what was going on, but he really didn’t feel like explaining everything from the start again. Youngbae talking about it was already painful enough. If he couldn’t listen to it then how did she expect him to talk  about it?

 

“If it makes things easier for you, I have talked to Youngbae the other day. I know you hate it when we talk about things like that behind your back, but I was really worried, especially when Hyorin told me you and Youngbae had a fight. He told me that things between you and Seunghyun have been.. _tensed_..lately.”

She stopped for a second and carefully took his hand.

“More than once you have cried on my shoulder, because of Seunghyun, but eventually you would get better again, and things would go back to how they were before. You know I was never a big fan of you and him having this whole friends with benefit stuff. Not because I don’t like Seunghyun, but because I knew that it would hurt you.”

Another pause.

“Youngbae also told me about how you tried to let go of that in Paris, but it only made things worse. That explains why you have been lashing out lately. When you came home that night when you had the accident, I was so worried I could barely think. One second you were there, crying and the next you collapsed in my arms.”

Her voice sounded weak and she needed a moment to regain some control over her emotions.

“Anyway, I just want to tell you that I know what happened more or less and you don’t have to repeat yourself –“, a bright, but sad smile graced her lips,” –but if you want, you can tell me what happened yesterday.”

Jiyong had started to bite on his nails of the hand that wasn’t held by Dami at the moment. An annoying habit which he had picked up over the years whenever he was stressed.

It took him a moment, before he could open his mouth and tell her about it. About everything. How he had been feeling good again after what seemed like ages and how he simply wanted to have a glass of whiskey. How after she had left he was about to sit down and relax when suddenly someone knocked on the door. He told her how he thought that it was her, so he didn’t think twice about opening the door and then-

“- it was as if I was in shock. I couldn’t breathe anymore.”

Jiyong held Dami’s hand a little bit tighter.

“I know I reacted badly, but I just couldn’t face him. Not after the things he said to me when we last saw each other, not when he has done nothing but hurt me ever since we came back from Paris. There is only so much pain someone can take before it’s too much, before even the smallest thing can set someone off, because all they know by that person anymore is pain.”

He took a deep, shuddering breath.

“Rationally thinking, I know that I have to face him again. Eventually. We are in the same band for fuck’s sake, but I just can’t pretend that nothing is wrong. How could I do that when I can’t even look at him without crying or being close to another breakdown?”

It was a rhetorical question, but Dami still curled her hands around her brother and hugged him close to her. Her hands carefully gliding through his hair.

 After a while, she stopped her movements and pulled back from the hug – now sitting in front of him again with a serious expression on her face.

“I want you to listen to what I have to say, without you getting angry at me – can you promise me that?”

Jiyong looked at her with confusion in his eyes – why the hell should he be angry with her? She has been the only person who was there for him during the past few weeks. He simply nodded, still confused.

“I have not only been talking to Youngbae and Hyorin, but also to the rest of the band – Seunghyun included. I visited him yesterday evening.”

His blood froze in his veins.

“I know that things have been going down the shitter lately with you two, but I really think that this whole thing is just one big misunderstanding that blow out of proportion.”

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

Not Dami, too.

Jiyong felt panic forming in his stomach and his breathing go uneven.

“While I really understand why you need your time now, why you can’t face him yet, I really do believe that-“

“You are on his side.”

Dami looked at him.

“No, Jiyong. I am not-“

“You are just like Youngbae.”

His voice had turned cold and he could see Dami letting her shoulders drop.

“You don’t give a rat’s ass what he did to me as well, you just want to tell me to make up with this asshole – don’t you? Want to go kiss and make up, huh? Is that it?!” Jiyong had slowly gotten up from the couch, voice raising as he did until he was standing in front of Dami – face twisted in anger.

“None of you even care that I am going through hell right now, all you care about is this fucking asshole! What did he do, huh? Did he call you? Did he pretend to be miserable? Newsflash! He is a god damn actor – pretending is what he gets money for! Is that why you look so tired today? Did you pay him a visit, because oh no, poor, cute Seunghyun is not feeling bad and you stayed with him until he felt better? Better come running to him before he does something stupid?”

“Jiyong, that is enough – you know you are crossing a line right now and-“

“Me? Crossing a line?! Fuck you, Dami! If he is so much better than me then why don’t you go live with his pretentious ass! Are you sick of listening to my sob stories? Well, don’t  worry – I won’t bother you with anything anymore.”

“Jiyong, wait-“

But Jiyong didn’t listen. His heart was racing painfully, and fresh tears were streaming down his face. Fuck – would he ever stop crying? He quickly ran into his room, slammed the door shut and grabbed the first pieces of fresh clothing he could get his hands on. Within seconds the door got opened again and Dami stood next to him – talking to him, but he wasn’t listening. He didn’t give a shit anymore. He changed, grabbed his keys, wallet and cigarettes and as soon as he had his shoes and jacket on he was out of the door. Jiyong faintly realised that Dami was still calling his name, but he didn’t turn back. A few seconds later and he was in his car and out on the streets of Seoul.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Jiyong was mindlessly driving around Seoul, not caring where he was right now – all he knew was that he needed to get away. Apparently, he wasn’t granted any rest, not even in his own home. It felt like everyone had turned against him. At first his family had started to act weird around him, but he hadn’t really paid much attention to it, thinking that maybe it was because of the accident. Then Youngbae had turned up just like that and while normally that wasn’t unusual, he was his best friend after all, he hadn’t expected to end up being this disappointed. Wasn’t he his best friend? Shouldn’t he always be on his side no matter what? Wasn’t that what best friends were supposed to do?

Apparently not.

It already hurt like a bitch to even think about it, but now he also got disappointed by Dami. The one person who he always shared everything with who would always be there for him had just dropped him like that, making it seem as if he was the one who was wrong. Why the fuck was everyone on his side?

It didn’t make sense.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Jiyong spend the next five hours locked away in his studio. He had gotten a few enthusiastic looks as he walked through the corridors of the YG building, but as soon as they all had seen his face, they quickly looked away and didn’t bother him.

Sadly, there was only so much he could do at the studio without getting bored. Normally, he would simply throw himself into work and finish whatever was needed to be done – but too bad that his creativity and writing ability seemingly had been shot.

A frustrated sigh left his lips as he laid down on the huge Murakami pillow in the middle of the room. He really needed a drink – but with who? He definitely couldn’t ask Youngbae, Seungri was in Japan until next week and Daesung wasn’t much of a club person _unless_ he was drunk off his ass already. He didn’t feel like hitting up any of the usual suspects he went out with either – most of them were close to Seunghyun as well and he really did not want to think about the other man any more than he already did. Jiyong reached for his phone and opened Instagram. Maybe someone of his international fans were in Seoul right now? He really doubted it but who knows-

Perfect.

A small smile appeared on his lips as he saw that someone was indeed in Seoul right now. Someone who had nothing to do with Seunghyun and who would definitely not ask any questions about him either.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

It was some time before midnight as he stepped into the VIP section of the club. Loud music was blasting through the speakers, lights dimmed and making it hard to see – perfect settings for getting for binge drinking and maybe even getting lucky. Although he didn’t feel like getting laid tonight, he was too emotionally drained for that.

“Jiyong, here!” He turned to his right where the voice had been coming from and immediately spotted who he was looking for.

“Hey, Nana. Long-time no see – how have you been?”

The model scooted over to make some room for Jiyong next to her – she was sitting with a few of her friends from Korea at one of the booths. It was a tight fit, but they made it work.   
After a short round of exchanging pleasantries, they all decided to get some drinks. Nana talked a bit about the modelling job she had finished a few hours earlier and how she was in desperate need of a drink. Jiyong couldn’t agree more.

Round after round, shot after shot – it felt good to get completely shit faced and not having someone look at him with pity in their eyes. The music was good too and when the whole table decided that they were finally drunk enough to hit the dance floor, they all stood up. Some a bit wobblier on their legs than other’s but Jiyong didn’t care. His mood was finally improving again, and he enjoyed the attention he was getting from Nana and her friends. They all knew who he was and right now he was drunk enough to take a little bit of advantage of his image as G Dragon.   
Hot bodies pressed against his own as they started to move along the music on the dance floor – Nana on his right and – what was her name again? – on the other side. It felt good to finally have someone notice him again after weeks of being ignored by Seunghyun. The past few weeks had seriously fucked with his self-esteem and he desperately needed to feel wanted again.   
Their hands were on his chest and sides, someone was even pressing against his back, but he couldn’t care less about it right now. Jiyong closed his eyes and let the music take over his body, mixing with the alcohol in his blood, making him feel like he was on top of the world again.   
The club was hot – he felt the thin layer of sweat at the back of his neck and at the sides of his temple. God, how he had missed feeling like this.

As another song came on he grabbed whoever was in front of him by the hips and pulled them closer – the girls hands immediately locked around his neck and started to grind her body against his own. Jiyong smiled to himself – just because he didn’t feel like getting laid didn’t mean he couldn’t have some fun, right? He was about to pull the girl in front of him closer again, when he felt someone’s hand reach around his wrist and violently dragged him away from her. The club was too dark and he was way too drunk to see who was pulling him away from the dancefloor, through the masses of bodies – all he could see was a set of broad shoulders and a long coat. He tried to pull his wrist from whoever had grabbed him, but he was way too intoxicated to be able to put on a real fight. When the person finally stopped, they were outside – somewhere behind the club. The streetlights barely reached to where they were standing, but as the person turned around – hand still tightly wrapped around Jiyong’s wrist – he immediately tried to get away again.

“Let me go you asshole!”

Jiyong trashed around, trying to hit Seunghyun, to get him to let go of his wrist, but the other man simply grabbed his other wrist before he could land another hit on his chest. Within seconds he was being pressed against the wall of the building, the rough and cold stone surface digging into his back.

“Jiyong, stop for a second-“

“No!”

He pulled one of his legs up, just barely getting it high enough to push as hard as he could against the other man’s body, causing him to groan loudly and finally let go of his wrists as he stumbled backwards. Suddenly all of the rage he had held back, seemingly exploded in his chest and he ran towards the other man – punching him hard against the side of his face.

“Why the fuck do you ruin everything?!” His voice was hoarse and thick with emotions as he got ready to land another blow – but the other man was faster. He grabbed Jiyong by his wrists again, this time spinning him around and locking his arms in front of his chest as he pressed Jiyong against his body. The more he tried to get away, the tighter Seunghyun would hold him, his back pressing against his chest and Jiyong could feel every shift of his muscles against his own.

“Jiyong, calm down-“

“Fuck you, you piece of shit!” Jiyong tried to get away again, but his muscles were getting tired. He hadn’t been able to work out in weeks and his body was still weak from the car crash. His heart was going crazy as he felt the hot breath against his neck and ear, Goosebumps spreading across his whole body. It made him sick that his body was still craving Seunghyun’s touch – apparently getting your heart broken into a million pieces wasn’t enough the stop whatever emotions he still harboured for the other man.

“Please, Jiyong – calm down.”

He finally stopped trying to fight the other man, legs almost giving out as his body started to shake. To his own horror he heard sobbing noises and he realised that he was crying again. The high he felt previously on the dancefloor now dropped into a low he wasn’t looking forward too. He had just wanted to have some fun, to finally feel good again – why wasn’t he granted some happiness?

Seunghyun carefully let go of Jiyong, turning him around again, but Jiyong didn’t dare to lift his gaze. He still couldn’t look at the other man – it hurt too much. All the years of unrequited love came crashing back, hitting him in full force.

“Jiyong..”

He felt the soft touch of the other man’s hand on his head, but he flinched away from the touch as if burned. He held his hands in front of his body, trying to put distance between himself and Seunghyun.

“Jiyong, please…”

Why. Why was this happening to him? Why did his voice sound so broken, when he was the one who had caused all this pain? Was he trying to mock him? Did he try to lure him in again, only to drop him and treat him like shit again?

No.

He couldn’t do it.

 

Jiyong still stared at the ground, head shaking from right to left.

“No.”

His hands were trembling.

“Leave me alone.” His voice was weak and barely above a whisper.

Jiyong sensed the other man coming closer again and he felt himself shying away from his touch, pressing himself back against the wall – his shoulders were drawn up tightly and he crossed his arms in front of his face.

“Leave me alone, please, just leave me alone. Leave me alone.”

He continued to say these words over and over again, almost like a mantra, but he still felt the presence of the other man in front of him. Jiyong couldn’t do this anymore. He needed to get away as fast as possible. It hurt, it hurt so bad to just be standing in front of him. He didn’t want to see the sad look on the other man’s face – it would only make him feel even worse.

Jiyong felt Seunghyun take another step forward, about to speak, when the backdoor of the club got yanked open and Nana stepped out into the dark alley.

“Jiyong? Are you there?”

He took his chance and ran straight to the door, not looking back at Seunghyun and not even at Nana. He needed to get away. Again. He was like a wounded animal, like a fox getting chased by huntsmen – wherever he went, they were there, tearing another whole into him and making him bleed. Jiyong was on the run, but he would never be able to out run them. No matter where he went, they were already there – waiting to get their hands on him and to hurt him again.

Jiyong didn’t remember how he eventually ended up at his studio again that night, but he finally felt like he could breathe again when he locked the door behind him.

His mind was still racing as he collapsed onto the pillow again, much like he had a few hours before. Jiyong felt his body protesting at every move he did, but he was too exhausted to care right now. All he wanted was to sleep for a very long time and not having to face anyone or anything any time soon.

Ten seconds later, he fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	9. Act ll Part ll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Check notes for possible triggers!

Act ll: Part ll: Liberosis

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
n. The desire to care less about things – to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

He woke up with a pounding head – again. The times he has woken up like that by now are too many times to count, lately. By now, most nights even blur together to one and Jiyong has a hard time remembering what happened the night before. Well, maybe this time he didn’t had a problem to remember the night before – it was still clear; Jiyong waking up with a pounding head and aching limbs, a quiet familiar scene by now. Dami showed up just after he woke up and he had talked to her, only to realize that she wanted him to talk to Seunghyun just like Youngbae had tried to get him to do – why didn’t they understand that it was too soon right now? They all tried to push him into having this conversation, but how could he have that conversation if he couldn’t even get a word out when the other man was in front of him? Why couldn’t they understand that he still needed time?

Jiyong couldn’t help but feel alone in that moment – Youngbae was his best friend and he had fucked up when he shouted at him like that. He knew that he reacted badly and he knew that he would have to apologize to him eventually. It just scared the ever living crap out of him. To talk to Dami and Youngbae that was – what if they hated him now? What if he really did lose both of them? Jiyong thought about how maybe that was why he feared talking to Seunghyun so much, too. He didn’t know if he could live with Seunghyun rejecting him again. It was a contradiction at its finest – he didn’t want to have Seunghyun in his life anymore, he just wanted him to disappear into thin air or something, but at the same time he wanted him right next to him with him holding Jiyong in his arms and kissing him goodnight. It scared him more than anything else that he had fucked up like that and that he wouldn’t be able to hold Seunghyun like that ever again. Then again, did Seunghyun deserve someone like him? Someone that had a bad temper like him, someone that loved to show off sometimes a bit too much, someone who had this really dominant persona like a mask he carried daily. Did Seunghyun really need someone like him? Who’s private face wasn’t anything like his stage persona? Someone that cried easily, especially when watching period dramas. Someone that always had cold feet and that was a complete disaster in the kitchen. Someone that lately couldn’t even shave properly because depression was dragging him down. Did Seunghyun deserve such a fuck up like him?

No. Seunghyun deserved someone better. Someone that was stable enough, someone that wasn’t as clinger as he was, someone that didn’t always need confirmation that he was loved and needed. Seunghyun needed someone strong that could be there for him, someone that wasn’t as self-centric as Jiyong was and that he certainly didn’t want someone like Jiyong.

Or did he?

Jiyong didn’t know what to think anymore. One second Seunghyun was treating him like a friend, someone he knew and trusted his whole life, the next they were together in Paris and Seunghyun treated him like the most precious thing on this planet, like he really did love him. A different scenery and he became a complete stranger and then he had screamed at him as if he was the dirtiest scum of them all. But now he had tried to talk to Jiyong three times already. No, four times. The first time was right after his accident, trying to get inside the hospital, but Jiyong refused to let him in and deleted all his messages and blocked him on line. The second time was when he suddenly stood in front of his door, looking like he hadn’t had a decent night of sleep ever since they left Paris and it made Jiyong’s heart ache. The third time had happened last night when Jiyong was out partying with Nana and some other people who’s faces he didn’t recall anymore. When he showed up just like that and dragged him into the alley, trying to speak to him, but Jiyong had bolted again.

He sighed.

Why would Seunghyun be this persistent? Did he miss Jiyong as a friend? Or as something more? He tried to ignore the small voice in his mind. The one that was praying that Seunghyun really did love him and that all of this was just one huge misunderstanding, but that would be too easy. Wouldn’t it? He would just talk to Seunghyun and all this pain would go away? Jiyong doubted it, the pain hurt too much to just disappear like that – but what if Seunghyun actually had an explanation for everything that had happened? All of this made his head hurt.

Jiyong shook his head, he didn’t have the strength to think about Seunghuyn right now. He needed to talk to Youngbae and Dami first. These two conversations seemed like the most manageable ones right now, at least he hoped they would be. But how apologize to them? A sudden wave of shame and guilt overcame him and he buried his head even deeper between the pillows on his bed. Apologizing wasn’t his strong suit – hell, was it anyone’s? Apologizing was hard and sometimes even painful, but he knew that he had to do it.

Jiyong lifted his head, looking over to the clock right next to his bed on his night stand. It was only half past seven in the morning, he had only come home a few hours earlier and he still felt the effect the alcohol had on his body and mind, but he still forced himself to get up and drag himself into the kitchen. Jiyong quickly reached into Dami’s bad, fishing out ther calendar, only to confirm that today was one of her rare day’s off and he put it back into her bag with a small smile on her face.   
Dami usually got up way earlier than Jiyong did. He sometimes was even jealous of her ability to raise before even before dawn and not be tired throughout the day and be productive. If Jiyong ever got up that early he looked like a god damn zombie – hair a complete mess, bloodshot eyes, stubbles on his chin and mood worse than the one of a teenager going through puberty. Another glance at the clock – Dami would probably get up in about twenty minutes, meaning Jiyong had enough time to prepare a little something for her.

He absolutely sucked in the kitchen, but one thing he was king in at was making small choco-pies. They were easy enough to make and he always put in a little bit of cinnamon for extra flavor and Dami loved them. He quickly mixed all the ingredients together in a cup and put it into the microwave. While the choco-pie was cooking away in the microwave he prepared whipping cream and a few minutes later everything was done and Jiyong was tip-toeing into Dami’s bedroom. The early morning sun was already shining through the window front, dimming the room. Dami was still curled up in her bed, back turned to Jiyong, but already typing away on her phone – probably checking her Instagram or something like that.

Jiyong quietly placed the mug on her nightstand and sat down on the bed, legs drawn up to his chest and back turned to her. He curled up into a ball, arms wound tightly around his legs as he waited for Dami to put her phone aside. Jiyong didn’t have to wait long – she had already peaked up when she felt the mattress dip under his weight and sat up as she saw the mug.   
He felt her eyes on his back and it made Jiyong tear up.

“I’m sorry, Dami.“, his voice was small and he hated it. He wanted to properly apologize, but he felt like shit and he had a lump in his throat. Jiyong didn’t dare to turn around, he was scared that Dami would look at him the way she looked at him during their fight and the silence was defeating him. The tears coming back.

“Yah, you moron.“, he felt a pillow at the back of his head and turned around confused – tears were still in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away. Did Dami just hit him with a pillow? He looked at her – she was glaring at him.

“How should I eat that thing when you didn’t bring a spoon or anything – should I use my bare hands and burn my fingers?“

Suddenly, the hard feeling that has been nagging at the inside of him ever since the fight dislodge and the weight is being lifted of his shoulders. To anyone else this maybe might seem like she just dismissed his apology, but Jiyong knows his older sister – they are close and Jiyong knows her inside and out and he knows that she is just as bad at everything involving apologies than he is, which also means she is terrible at accepting apologies. No, she is good at accepting, she just doesn’t know how to show it properly.   
A smile spreads over his face and he immediately gets up to get a spoon for her – she thankfully takes it and pads the space right next to her on the bed. Jiyong feels like he is a kid again who scraped his knee or something – Dami always looked out for him and sitting bedside her like that reminds Jiyong of all the good and bad times he had gone through with his sister.   
They sat in silence for a while until Iye joined them on her bed and tried to eat Dami’s choco-pie.

“Jiyong, get that furball of hate away from me before he steals my breakfast.“

“Only if you really accept my apology.“, Iye was already sitting on Dami’s chest, paws extended and reaching out to get a hold of the mug Dami was holding up – his claws were out, trying to get a better hold on Dami, not to fall off as she tried her best to get the cat away from the mug.

“Okay, okay! I accept, just get him away from me before he rips my Chanel shirt into shreds!“

Jiyong chuckled at his sister – he carefully reached for Iye, hands wrapping around his middle and quickly lifting him off of Dami, before he could use his claws again. Iye tried to get away – he hated getting picked up – and Jiyong let him go. The cat landed on the ground with soft paws and looked up at Jiyong as if glaring at him – how dare he pick him up like that? Before walking out of the room.

“The cat has the same bad temper as you have sometimes, I swear.“

“Oh, shut up Dami.“

One apology down, another one to go.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
Before he makes his way over to Youngbae’s place he actually manages to shower, shave and put on something else than jogging pants and an old t-shirt. When he finally reaches his house, he is so nervous that he simply sits in the car for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to say to the other man. Apologizing to Youngbae was different than apologizing to Dami – Dami was relatively easy, because she knew when her brother was being honest and when he was not. The thing with Youngbae was was that he was one thick headed fucker – Seungri’s words, not his. Over the years Jiyong had learned more often than not that Youngbae could be as stubborn as a mule so apologizing to him was a bit tricky.

Suddenly someone knocked against the window of the driver door and Jiyong flinched – too deeply lost in his thoughts. He let down the window, only to see Youngbae staring at him – arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

“Are you going to come inside or park here until the end of time?“, Jiyong opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He quickly closed the window again, took the car keys with him and followed Youngbae inside his home. Okay, this was something he could work with – Youngbae was talking to him, that was a good sign. Now he only needed to get through to this thick headed moron he called best friend – wonderful. Jiyong closed the entrance door behind him and toed off his shoes. He immediately got hit with a wonderful smell – Youngbae was cooking again and as if on cue his stomach started to rumble.

“My parents are coming over later, but some things are already done – you hungry?“, Jiyong didn’t need to answer his best friend – his stomach answered for him, sending a light blush on his face. Youngbae didn’t say anything, he quickly got a plate for Jiyong, filled it with whatever was ready already and set it down on the counter. Jiyong quickly sat down and began to eat.

“This is really good, thank you Youngbae.“

“Nice of you to say, but I think you aren’t here to get free food – are you?“, Jiyong stopped eating and placed the chopsticks on the table. Food could wait, this conversation with Youngbae not. He sighed and pushed the plate aside – his fingers already playing with the hem of his shirt, a sign for his nervousness.

“No, I came to apologize.“, Youngbae send him a pointing look, “ – and to talk about everything.“

This seemed to please Youngbae a bit more. He put aside the ingredients he had been chopping up until a moment ago and sat down across from Jiyong.

“Okay, lets talk.“, Youngbae leaned back in his chair – arms crossed again and looking at Jiyong, as if he was waiting for him to start the conversation.

“I’m sorry for how I behaved the other day. I wasn’t in a good place and I shouldn’t have let it out on you like that. I know you only wanted to help, but I didn’t want to hear it. I only heard what I wanted to hear and not what you were saying – I was hurting and when you mentioned that you talked to Seunghyun I lost it. I felt betrayed and hurt and alone. It suddenly felt like you were on his side and that I had no right to be hurting, that it all was my fault.“

Youngbae uncrossed his arms and sighed.

“First Dami and then you – it seemed like all of you were trying to force me to talk to him and I know that somehow you guys do want me to talk to him, and I know eventually I will have to, but I will only talk to him when I’m ready to, not when you guys persuade me into it. Is that okay?“

His best friend looked at him, thinking hard.

“I’m okay with you still needing some time until you can talk to him – but I really think that you will be surprised, positively, if you talk to him. I’m not going to spill anything he told me, but I really think that you should give it a chance.“, Jiyong’s heart clenched, “Take your time, get some rest and then talk to him when you feel like you are doing a bit better.“

Another moment of silence stretched between them and Jiyong felt like a cat on a hot tin roof.

“Are we okay?“

“Yes, Jiyong. We are okay.“

Jiyong exhaled loudly, letting out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding in.

“But I swear, if you ever bitch at me like that I will burn your stupid Balenciaga trainers.“, an unexpected tight-lipped laugh escaped Jiyong and when he looked at Youngbae’s pokerface he couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Okay, deal. You can burn all of them if it means we are good again.“

A dangerous gleam lightened up in Youngbae’s eyes – full of mischief.

“Don’t tempt me, Jiyong.“

Another fight resolved.

Now there was only one person he needed to talk to.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
It takes him three days until he finally feels like he is ready to talk to Seunghyun. Okay, not ready ready, but more or less strong enough that he won’t have a mental breakdown if he sees him or maybe throw something at his head. Dami had done a great deal of calming him down and reassuring him that he wouldn’t get hurt if he would just sit down and talk with Seunghyun. He still didn’t believe it – not fully anyways – but a very small part of him hoped that what they wer saying was true, that all of this giant shit show just was one huge misunderstanding and that they could go back to how things were before they went down the shitter. But did Jiyong really want that right now? He didn’t want to go back to how things used to be, not completely. He wanted Seunghyun back, he wanted to be able to spend time with him and laugh with him and go to exhibitions together. He wanted to have him close again, even though it still hurt like hell, but he was willingly to work on this, he was willingly to let go of all that pain if it meant that he and Seunghyun could be friends again – and who knows, maybe even more?

Jiyong shook his head, he really didn’t want to get his hopes up like that. There was no way in hell that Seunghyun would welcome him with open arms, and kiss and make up with him. Something like that only happened in stupid Dramas.

Much like when he needed to muster up the courage to talk to Youngbae, Jiyong spend an aweful long time in front of Seunghuyn’s house – it was already getting dark Jiyong was so nervous even his fingers were shaking. He finally got out of his car and walked up to the front door. Jiyong still had the key card – he had let himself inside the other man’s more often than not. Just like last time when they talked and Jiyong had that car crash. It send a shiver down his back. Inhale. Exhale.   
His knees were getting weak, but he pushed all these bodily symptoms out of the way. He wanted – no, needed – answers. He was getting sick off all of this. He was sick of being heartbroken, he was sick of hurting, he was sick of hurting other’s he just wanted everything to go back to normal again.

He pushed in the card and typed in the code – it was still the same one as a few weeks ago. The door opened and Jiyong quickly stepped inside, closing the door quietly behind him.

The first thing he did was breath in the familiar scent – he loved coming over to Seunghuyn’s place. It more felt like coming home than it did when he came home to the flat he shared with Dami. All of a sudden all those happy memories he shared with Seunghyun in this house came crashing in. For example, when Seunghyun had tried to teach him how to cook – more than on one occasion had the older man tried to teach him some simple receipts and again and again Jiyong had failed. Most of the time it had been frustrating, but sometimes Jiyong had to admit he pretended to be even worse than he actually was, only so that Seunghyun would cook for him.  
It also reminded him of that time when Seunghyun first started to cook – actually cook, not just preparer some rice, but cook some amazing dishes from foreign countries. It was when they still lived together in the dorm and Jiyong got sick – high fever, sore throat, aching limbs. The full program. Seunghyun had all of a sudden bought three different cooking books which were filled with the best dishes from around the world that would help you get better when sick.

Okay, the first few tries weren’t that good, too much salt, too little of the rest, but Jiyong wouldn’t have been able to taste it anyways so everything was fine. Jiyong had first thought that once he got better Seunghyun would stop the cooking again, but as it turned out, he had actually enjoyed it so much that he started to cook for all of them more often. He even started to take cooking classes whenever he had the time, or he would talk to the staff of the restaurants they visited – asking them how they had prepared the food so he could learn something. One time, when they were in Hong Kong, Seunghyun had explicitly asked how to cook Jiyong’s favorite dinner, eventhough Seunghyun disliked the taste of intestines, just to cheer him up. Jiyong still smiled at that memory.

He walked further into the building – music was coming from the living room and Jiyong had to smile again. Something he loved was that it was never quiet when Seunghyun was around – there was always music somewhere. It always reminded him of the time when they were still kids and started to work on their very own first few rap lines. They were so young back then, had no idea how hard the music business really was, but they had loved what they did and it was fun and those were some of the happiest memories Jiyong had. His mother had more than just one photo album filled with pictures of Seunghyun, Youngbae and him running around the house, rapping and singing different songs and dressing up in too baggy clothes. Jiyong was a perfectionist and mostly disliked the very early songs he had created, but he always looked back at these moments with a smile. The early days of BigBang, too. Sure, now he felt like someone was pulling his teeth out one by one when he listened to their first few songs, but somewhere deep down he would treasure them forever. Back then, he and Seunghyun had stayed in the studio day and night – trying to figure out how to get things done the best way, how to arrange beats so they worked together and all that. He had years of training by that time already, but it still was something different if he worked with Seunghyun together for the group. Everything was better when he could do it together with Seunghyun.

Jiyong finally reached the living room – the light was dimmed and as Jiyong was about to call out Seunghuyn’s name, he stopped in his tracks. The room was a mess – empty wine bottles on the coffe table in front of the couch, empty take out and pizza cartons scattered around the room and full ashtrays. But that wasn’t what made Jiyong stop in his tracks.   
There on the couch was Seunghyun – he wasn’t wearing a shirt and he was most likely naked underneath the blanket that covered him from the waist down. He was sleeping peacefully. Right next to Kyungil, who was in an equal state of undress and smirking devilishly at Jiyong.

He couldn’t move a single muscle, he could only stare at Kyungil.

“Poor Jiyong, seems like you are too late.“

His eyes darted back and forth between Kyungil and Seunghyun – no, did they really? Jiyong took a step back, breathing heavily and as quickly as he could, fled the scene. How could he get his hopes up like that? He had known for a very long time now that Kyungil had had feelings for Seunghyun, but he never dared to ask if there was something between them. It was like a well known secret. A secret that just got exposed to him and crushed all his hopes of ever getting together with Seunghyun. His thoughts were a mess and he even nearly crashed into the Nawa statue on his way out. He staggered out of the house and into his car, started to motor and drove off.

It was a familiar scene – Jiyong leaving Seunghyun’s house, his emotions all over the place, but this time he was way too shocked to do anything about it. What did he expect? That Seunghyun would wait for him? Why would he even wait for him if he didn’t share his feelings in the first place? Furthermore, why did both – Dami and Youngbae – tell him that he wouldn’t be disappointed when he talked to Seunghyun? It didn’t make sense, but he didn’t care anymore. He had given in to the temptation, he had let down his shield only to get hurt again and the image of Kyungil and Seunghyun on the couch – naked – so close together, was something he certainly wouldn’t be able to forget any time soon. Especially not that taunting smirk of Kyungil – you are too late.  
Did that mean that Seunghyun hadn’t slept with Kyungil before today? Did he really push Seunghyun away too much that he drove him into Kyungil’s arms? Fuck. He was so fucking stupid.

But also, fuck Seunghyun. Couldn’t he wait just one more fucking day before he jumped into bed with the one man Jiyong always had been jealous of? Every damn time when Seunghyun had pulled back from Jiyong because they had been getting too close again, Kyungil had been the one who dragged Seunghyun into clubs and bars to find someone for him who he could hook-up with. He was the reason why Seunghyun pulled back even more all the times, because Kyungil wanted Seunghyun for himself and Jiyong had always known that and now it was reality.

He had lost Seunghyun for good.

When he finally reached his home, the first thing he did was take a shower and send out a few messages on line – asking around who was going out tonight and where they should meet. He was on autopilot – not really thinking about what he did anymore, just reacting and falling into the pattern again he had been in a few days ago, but tonight he wouldn’t hold back anymore. He had his answer. Seunghyun had found someone knew to play with so why shouldn’t he find someone to play with as well?

It was almost eleven when he was finally done – he had picked out his favorite outfit for the night and even put on a little bit of make-up. He wouldn’t play hard to get anymore, he would go out, find someone to spend the night with and have fun. Jiyong was sick of the memories he and Seunghyun had shared, he didn’t want to think about all the nights they had spend, tangled in the sheets anymore. He needed to forget these old memories and make some new ones – preferably with some strangers who only wanted to get into his pants because he was G Dragon. He didn’t want attachment, fuck love. He had tried it, had been to scared to speak up and now he had lost his chance with the only person that mattered.   
Jiyong got picked up and half an hour later he was already in some club, throwing back shot after shot as women tried their best to get his attention – tight dresses, painted lips and exposed legs and décolletage, the amount of choices he had was endless. But he also craved something different tonight, he wanted to get lost in pleasure, to finally feel good again and to feel like he was on top of the world, which is why he had called someone who he knew who could help him out when it came to illegal substances.

Five minutes at the back of the VIP section of the club were no one could see him and his so called friend, an exchange of a few thousand won bills and white powder-like ‘happiness‘ and Jiyong was back on the dance floor, surrounded by women. The cocaine kicked in immediately – he felt his heart pick up a few beats and how his tired limbs started to feel light again. He was wide awake all of a sudden and felt sweat tickle down at the back of his neck as he rode his high. Women pressed against him in tight dresses and he grinned as he felt himself grow hard – another side effect of the drug.   
The music got louder as the night went on and the more he drank the more he liked the company he had around him. One hand was already between a girls legs – she was right in front of him, her arms thrown around his neck and her body pressed tightly against his. Oh yes, tonight was going to be fun.

That’s what he thought at least until he spotted a familiar figure across from him, dancing with a random woman as well and staring at him – Seunghyun.

What the hell was he doing here? Shouldn’t he be at home screwing Kyungil or was he hallucinating? He stopped his movements, much to the dismay of the woman in front of him. Seunghyun was still staring at him – fury in his eyes and eyebrows twisted into a scowl as he pressed the woman in front of him closer to his own body, never breaking eye contact with Jiyong. Something twisted inside of him – did this bastard enjoy making Jiyong suffer like this? Wasn’t seeing him and Kyungil enough already? Apparently not, because Seunghyun deliberately moved his hand across the girls body – down her neck, her breasts and down her flat stomach, only to place his hand on her thigh, right between her legs. Her back was pressed against his chest so Jiyong could see every single little thing Seunghyun did to her and it made his blood boil. His eyes trailed down her body and darted back up at Seunghyun who was grinning at him now – it reminded him of the same taunting smirk Kyungil had thrown his way just a few hours earlier. Fuck this guy. What he could do, Jiyong could do better.

He grabbed the girl in front of him and whirled her around, her back pressed against his front much like Seunghyun had done with the girl in front of him. Jiyong groaned deeply as the woman moved her soft ass against the hard bulge in his pants – he was hard and the friction of her moving her ass up and down to the beat of the music made him see stars – but wait, he was on a mission. He wanted to show off how much fun he was having without Seunghyun – he should watch him enjoying his life without him. He wanted to show Seunghyun what he was missing.   
Jiyong grabbed the girl at her waist, guiding her movements as he started to press against her from the back – she threw he head back, resting it on his shoulder and exposing her thin neck. Immediately, his lips and teeth found her way to the soft skin and left a trail of kisses and sucks on her throat and shoulder. He angled her hips just right so he could press his aching dick between her legs, making her moan out – he looked up. Seunghyun was still staring at him, hunger in his eyes, before he finally broke the eye contact, grabbed the girl by her hand and dragged her off to one of the private VIP rooms. Jiyong didn’t wait – he did the same. Grabbed the girl and went into the same room as Seunghyun had disappeared into and locked the door behind them.

Seunghyun was already sitting on the huge couch at the back of the room. It was big enough to fit more than just a handful of people on it and Seunghyun made use of the huge space. He leaned back against the armrest of the couch, legs slightly spread apart as the girl kneeled between his thighs, already sucking on his hard cock. His shirt was halfway unbuttoned- exposing some of his firm chest and a thin sheen of sweat covered him, making his skin shine.

And Jiyong’s mouth water.

Fuck him and his ridiculously good looks.

Jiyong guided the girl he came into the room with to the other side of the couch – she was already pulling off his shirt, seemingly unbothered by the two other people in the room. He pulled of his shirt and tossed it aside, pushing the eager girl in fron of him onto the couch. Seunghyun and Jiyong were sitting face to face, a few meters apart, with the two girls between them. The lewd sounds of Seunghyun getting his dick sucked filled the room and as he guided his hand down into her hair and urged her on – soon his own moans echoed through the room and it only made Jiyong try harder.

The woman in front of him pulled down the zipper of her dress and let it fall to the ground, along with her panties and bra and was waiting eagerly for Jiyong to finally do something. Jiyong felt competitive and he surely wasn’t going to lose this round – he pushed the girl down, flat on her back and spread her legs. She was already wet and she moved her hips eagerly as if trying to pull him in, and he didn’t hold back. He let his hands glide over her body, massaging her skin and kneading her soft boobs, before sucking them into his mouth. She was moaning loudly and as he looked up he saw Seunghyun was still watching him – Jiyong smirked. Apparently he was more interesting than the girl who was sucking his dick? It shouldn’t turn him on as much as it did, but he really didn’t care anymore. He was high, Seunghyun was here and he was horny. The minor details didn’t matter right now, not that he was thinking rationally right now anyways.

He trailed kisses down her flat stomach, finally leaving kisses between her legs and licking over the swollen lips. The girl seemed to love it as he gently parted her and darted his tongue inside, gliding gently over each side, before sucking on her tender skin – she tasted good, or maybe all the alcohol and cocaine made Jiyong care less about her taste. One of her hands got buried in the messy mopp of his hair and as she pushed him down he started to suck and lick at her clit. Her thighs started to shake immediately and a wolfish grin spread across his face. She was relaxed and wet enough for him to easily slip two fingers inside of her, massaging the thighs channel that made her toes curl. Jiyong sat up again and leaned back – his pants were uncomfortably tight now and with his free hand he made quick work of opening the fly of his pants and pulling himself out of his boxers.

His eyes trailed over to Seunghyun who was in a similar position as he was right now – pants undone, fingers buried in the girl in front of him and pupils blown wide, almost looking like a starved animal, ready to pounce at any moment. It send a shiver down Jiyong’s back and it went straight to his cock, he couldn’t hold back a throaty moan – especially not when Seunghyun was still looking at him and not the girl he was fucking with his fingers, who was moaning out his name.

Jiyong couldn’t wait anymore – he shorthandly flipped the girl over and reached into the backpocket of his pants, fishing out his wallet and taking out a condom. He ripped it open and quickly pushed it down over his aching cock and scooted closer to the girl in front of him, who was already waiting to get fucked. He grabbed her cheeks and gently spread them as he guided his dick between her legs and pushed into her – his dick immediately getting sucked into the wet heat and he moaned out loud when he felt her contract around him. He was so used to be the one on the receiving end that he had almost forgotten how good it felt to be on top – even if it was with a woman.

As he started to move he still felt Seunghyun’s eyes on him, watching him, almost like tearing into him and it set Jiyong’s skin on fire – he was already hot from the drug circling through his body, but there was nothing quiet like Seunghyun staring him down like he wanted to eat him alive. His eyes had fallen shut when he had pushed into the girl and started to fuck her in earnest, but he quickly opened them again when he felt movement on the other side of the couch. Seunghyun shifted, too – one of the girls legs was placed on his shoulder, while she was laying on her side and Seunghyun was kneeling over her. Jiyong eagerly watched as Seunghyun made quick work of pulling a condom over his dick and slowly pushed the head of his cock inside the girl.   
He couldn’t help but moan out at that sight – he knew all too well how amazing it felt when Seunghyun first slipped into you and dragged the head of his cock over your most sensitive places. It didn’t help that the girl he was fucking was getting tighter the longer he fucked her and by her moans he knew that she wasn’t going to last very long anymore.

As Jiyong moaned, Seunghyun started to fuck into the girl more roughly – her cries echoing through the room and joining the other girl’s cries. The slick sounds of both, Jiyong and Seunghyun, fucking into the girls filled the room, followed by harsh panting of both of them. Jiyong felt sweat roll down at the side of his face and his legs started to ache all too pleasantly – he grabbed the girl by her hair, pressing her face down into the couch as he fucked into her just a bit more sharply, making her moan out again and again. It wasn’t long until she spasmed around his dick, her hands desperately trying to hold onto the couch as she came, her body twitching from the overstimulation as Jiyong continued to move – he was close, but he would hold on to it just a bit longer, he wanted to see Seunghyun fall apart in front of him while he watched him fucking some stranger on this couch.

The other girl wasn’t too far behind – she tried to muffle her moans a bit and Jiyong smirked as he saw how Seunghyun changed the angle just right and she came immediately, but he didn’t watch her – his eyes immediately shot up to Seunghyun’s face to catch his blissed out expression. Seunghyun had his eyes half closed and was biting his lower lip while his eyes were still trained on Jiyong – as if he was waiting for Jiyong to come so he wouldn’t have to wait anymore.

Jiyong felt the all familiar pull in his guts, he was so close to coming, but he didn’t want to come first, he wanted Seunghyun to be the one to crumble and –

“Come on, Jiyongie.“, Seunghyun moaned – his voice thick and deep as gravel.

-and Jiyong fell apart, his organs washing through him so hard and fast that he nearly toppled over, almost losing his balance as he desperately thrusted into the girl a few more times, riding out his orgasm. He looked up just in time, panting heavily, cussing as he shakingly held himself up, as Seunghyun came as well – deep groans ripping from his throat as he harshly thrusted into the girl a few more times before all the tension bleed from his body and he let go of her.

Jiyong was feeling dizzy from all the alcohol and the orgasm he just had, but he somehow managed to pull out of the girl, tie the condom up and toss it somewhere in the general direction of the bin. He pulled up his pants and passively helped the girl, who’s name he didn’t even know, get dressed again – he acted on autopilot again and the next thing he knew was that he was outside, fully dressed, in a dark side alley a cigarette between his lips. He inhaled the cool night air and nicotine and enjoying the momentary silence – his ears were still ringing from the loud music from the club and he was shivering. His shirt was drenched in sweat and made the faint breeze feel so much colder.

Suddenly the backdoor of the club got yanked open and a very drunk Seunghyun staggered out, his fly only halfway done, and slammed the door shut again. He spotted Jiyong immediately. Jiyong sucked in a breath as Seunghyun walked up to him and pressed him against the cold stone brick wall, kissing him roughly and pressing his body close to Jiyong’s. He was still too drunk and high and horny from the drug to care – if Seunghyun wanted to use him again like he had always done it then he wouldn’t stop him. Jiyong let the cigarette fall onto the ground and buried his hands in Seunghyun’s thick, black hair – pulling him closer as he helplessly rutted his hips against Seunghyun’s.   
They moved fast – pulling at each other’s clothes and sucking each other’s skin, not caring about anything but getting their hands on each other – and after a few minutes they had both managed to open the flies of their pants. Seunghyun had effectively wrapped his hand around both their aching members and was jacking them hard and fast and it made Jiyong’s toes curl. He buried his face at the side of Seunghyun’s neck, licking at biting at the salty skin while he fucks into Seunghyun’s hand, pressing the side of his cock that much harder against him. He doesn’t know how long they are onto it, but his toes curl and his thighs shake and then he is cumming all over Seunghyun’s hand, while Seunghyun is whispering dirty nothings into his ear and making him weak in the knees. Seunghyun comes only a moment after and then they are breathing each other’s air – panting heavily.

There is a short moment between them, where they simply stare at one another – neither of them saying anything – and then Seunghyun is pulling back, unreadable expression on his face as he tugs himself back into his pants and before Jiyong can stop him, he slams the backdoor shut behind him and is gone.

And Jiyong is alone again.

  
Fuck love.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To put it simple, there are drugs, unhealthy coping mechanisms and dirty (save) sex. 
> 
> I really hope you guys like this chapter, because at the beginning I didn’t, but now I love it! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think <3


	10. Act ll: Part lll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final part of the second Act. The next chapter will start the final Act of this fanfic!

Yuanfen

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_n. A relationship by fate or destiny; the binding force between two people._

 

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Jiyong staggered through the door – he missed the bowl in which he usually put his keys by a few centimeters and accidentally pushed it off of the small table it had been placed on. It shattered onto the ground, small splinters everywhere. A drunken “shit“ escaped his lips as he presses one hand against the wall, supporting him and stopping him from toppling over. The room was spinning and Jiyong snickered at his own drunken behavior, too drunk and high to take anything serious right now – but he soon stopped as he realized Dami is staring at him, glaring at him – her arms crossed.

“Jiyong, this has to stop – you have been through a lot lately, I get that, but coming home drunk nearly every day? Are you fucking serious?“

Jiyong cringes.

“I thought that now that you seemed to have had a sober moment this morning when you apologized, you would finally snap out of it – but no, here you are again! Piss drunk and I don’t even want to know what else you took tonight.“

His eyes were trained on the ground – ever since a kid he had feared Dami’s scolding more than the one’s from his mother and that meant something. Jiyong loved his mother, but she could become one scary woman if mad and Dami was ten times worse when pissed off. His brain was still fogged from alcohol and cocaine, but he was quickly sobering up. He head already sobered up after Seunghuyn had walked up to him, but nothing worked better to get sober than Dami glaring you down.

Dami apparently didn’t expect Jiyong to answer, she only hissed something about “talking to Yang about this“ before she stormed off and slammed her door shut behind her. It only made Jiyong cringe even more – wonderful, now Yang would scold him as well and his scoldings usually hurt the deepest. All those years ago when he had gotten caught smoking weed in a club, Yang hadn’t gone easy on him at all – it had been the first big scandal for Jiyong and Yang had wanted to make sure that something like that would never happen again. He had told him he was the root of all evil and deserved only the worst the media had to offer and it still hurt, all the years later, to even think about it. Jiyong toed off his shoes and silently made his way to his room, closing the door as silently as possible and fell face first onto his bed. He was exhausted and Dami’s outburst made him realize, once again, how much of an idiot he was being. Jiyong really hoped that Dami wouldn’t really end up talking to Yang, otherwise he would probably end up ripping him a new one and add so many issues to Jiyong’s list of “things I was insecure about“.

Jiyong groaned into the pillow. He really needed to get a grip again – during the past few weeks all he had been doing was dring his weight in alcohol and wallow in self-pity. No wonder everyone around him seemed so pissed off whenever they saw him, he would be pissed off too if his friends all acted like he did.

But that didn’t mean he knew what to do regarding his situation with Seunghyun.

Whatever. Tomorrow Jiyong would deal with it – still slightly drunk today Jiyong only wanted to drink some water, bury his head deeper into his pillow and not think about how good Seunghyun’s tongue had felt on his and how warm and nice he had smelled and how badly he wanted to have him next to him.

Another groan.

Jiyong really needed to sleep.  
And he really needed to cut down the drinking and partying.

 

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With a new day, a new wave of emotions came – rolling over Jiyong and making him think about what had happened once again. If he thought that he was confused about Seunghyun’s behavior before, he was even more clueless now. His behavior just didn’t make sense – thinking back to how things started when they came home from Paris. Seunghyun had been so sweet and open and soft it made Jiyong’s heart flutter and as soon as they were in Seoul he turned into someone he barely recognized. He grew cold, distant and barely even talked or acknowledged him at all. Then, after Jiyong finally had enough and showed up at his house, Seunghyun had been harsh – it almost felt like Seunghyun was a caged animal, trying to get out by bitting everyone around them.

After Jiyong’s accident he had tried on several occasions to talk to Jiyong – but Jiyong had refused and he still didn’t feel bad about it. If Seunghyun needed him to nearly die to realize he made a mistake, then he wasn’t worth it. Okay, he didn’t nearly die, but he had server injuries and he didn’t want Seunghyun’s pity and that was all Seunghyun would have to offer for him if he would have talked to him then – right? Just thinking about all of this caused a headache for Jiyong, especially with the new events that had happened the day before. He had finally been brave enough to talk to Seunghyun, only to find out that Seunghyun had already found someone else to play with, but why did he show up at the club like that? Why didn’t he stay with Kyungil? Why had Seunghyun been staring at him all night and even whispering his name before he came?

Jiyong sighed for the nthed time as he continued to doodle some lines – he wasn’t sure if these lyrics would ever be published, they felt too raw and emotional for him to be a good song, but it was better than the blockage he had suffered through before. Meeting Seunghyn again and being so close to him was enough to bring back Jiyong’s creative flow – even though their meeting had been anything but good, or had it been? They hadn’t fought or screamed, that was an improvement, but then again they hadn’t talked much either. Jiyong still shivered at the thought of Seunghyun touching him – as much as his heart ached, he couldn’t deny how much his body craved Seunghyun’s touch. – but his stare. It was unlike anything Jiyong was used to from the other man. Normally, Seunghyun’s eyes were soft and warm when he looked at him, only growing hard whenever they played around with sex toys or other naughty things. But this? It was almost as if Jiyong had finally lost him – all the affection, friendship, everything Seunghyun had possibly felt for him vanished.

_He is leaving_  
And I can’t do anything  
Love is leaving  
Like a fool, I am blankly standing here

Was that why Seunghyun had left as abruptly as he did? Did he want to see what it was like to touch Jiyong one last time, before he left for good? Leaving all the pain and the sorrow and the loneliness behind and letting Jiyong suffer from it alone? Jiyong couldn’t believe that Seunghyun would just get up and forget about all the years they had shared, all the things they had been through together. There was no way he would just forget about all the small things that made up the early years of BigBang, or when they were still neighbors all those years ago.

_I’m looking at him, getting farther away_  
He becomes a small dot and then disappears  
Will this go away after time passes?  
I remember the old times  
I remember you

Tears spilled from his eyes and dropped down onto the piece of paper he was writing on – he didn’t even try to wipe them away, fresh tears were already rolling down his cheeks and dripping on the paper – through blurred eyes he watched how the salty water softened up the crumbly paper and smudged the lines.

But he couldn’t stop writing either. He wasn’t even sure if the song still made sense, but he got overflown by everything at once – how Youngbae had told him that Seunghyun was suffering too, how much of a mess his usually clean home was and the way he looked when he had knocked at Jiyong’s door. He had dark circles around his eyes, which were bloodshot and his cheeks were sunken in, meaning he hadn’t eaten as regularly as he should. His usually neatly coifed hair or at least brushed down hair had been a mess. Jiyong had been too hurt to pay attention to these small details and had simply dismissed them, but looking back now he realized that yes, Seunghyun had been suffering, too.

Did that mean that Seunghyun had still wanted him?

_If you_  
If you  
If it’s not too late  
Can’t we get back together?  
If you  
If you  
If you’re struggling like I am  
Can’t we make things a little easier?  
I should have treated you better when I had you

Had he been so blind with fear all this time?

He set aside the crumbled notes and breathed in and out foe a second – he needed to come down a bit and stop writing all those sad love songs. Seungri had always teased him that all their songs were sappy love songs, because Jiyong sucked at relationships and he really didn’t want to give the Maknae another reason to tease him again – he needed to work on a different type of song, something that didn’t scream “I am heartbroken“, but what kind of song would distract him?

Jiyong set aside the pen and paper – he needed a break from all this. He was sick of waking up to this mess and this hurt – he just wanted to be somewhere else, someone else. He craved someone taking away his control. Before, Seunghyun had been the one he went to when he needed to give up control, he was the only one who he had ever trusted like that, but now he couldn’t just show up at his doorstep and beg him to dominate him. Jiyong felt the familiar itch, crawling underneath his skin, making him bounce his legs and drumming his fingers against his desk. He flexed his fingers and cracked them, trying to get some of the nervous energy out of him, but it only made him fidget even more.

During the past few weeks he hadn’t really felt the need to touch himself – first, the injuries had made it difficult to get comfortable in the first place anyways so he hadn’t really tried to do it. Later, he had been too heartbroken and as cheesy as it sounded, whenever he had even thought about jacking off or fingering himself or using a toy he had teared up, because it reminded him of Seunghuyn. How deeply did you have to be heartbroken to lose the ability to be able to jack off? Jiyong had felt even more pathetic than before.  
He still felt like his heart was being ripped in two whenever he thought about all the sexual encounters he ever had had with Seunghyun, but it had been too long – he needed the relief.

He pushed the chair back he was sitting on and shook his head. How much of a mess was he being right now? He was still wallowing in self-pity and then the next second he’d get horny while still thinking about the person who broke his heart, while trying not to think about the person who broke his heart.

Jiyong needed to desperately get his shit together. For real now.

  
About an hour later he arrived freshly showered and shaved at his office – maybe a change of scenery would do him some good? But looking at his office, which was filled to the brim with be@rbricks and other stuff made him highly doubt that he was going to be more productive than he had been at home. At least he had been outside for something else than alcohol.

Jiyong looked around at his office some more, only now realizing how messy it had become over the last couple of weeks – pieces of paper where scattered across the floor, books and magazines, even a few empty beer bottles were on the ground. He groaned – he really needed to clean up this place and air it out. Maybe that would help him to fall back into his creative flow?

While cleaning up his office, Jiyong had found old lyrics, which he had never bothered to finish, but looking at them now he realized that some of them could be used for a song or two – he wasn’t sure if it was for BigBang, another group or even a solo, but it wasn’t complete rubbish either so he set it aside for later and continued to clean up.

It took him two hours until he was finally done – he had even rearranged some of the room, dragging the huge Murakami flower pillow across the room and placed it in front of the mirror at the other end of the room. It felt good to finally do something again, it improved his mood and he finally felt like himself again. At least a little bit. Jiyong sat down in front of his PC, opened the last documents he had been working on and scanned through the lyrics – some of them were terrible and he immediately deleted them or put them into another folder, some of them were good and as he looked through the old lyrics he had found while cleaning up he realized that they fit perfectly to what he had already saved.

The first one was definitely a song for BigBang – it was a pretty explicit song and he knew that it would probably cause some problems, but he really liked the flow. It was about being with someone you loved – intimately – it was about how you felt when you looked at them and suddenly the world stopped around you, about how you can’t hold back and give into your desire, to feel the rush and excitement of having them close to you. Jiyong still remembered when he first started to write this song – it was after that night in Paris. That night, where Seunghuyn had been the sweetest he had ever been. He had cooked for him, cuddled with him on the couch and made out with him as if they were teenagers. They had gone to see Amélie together, had played around all evening and when they finally got back to the hotel room, Seunghyun had danced with him. But that wasn’t all of it – that night had showed him how perfect it could have been between them, how happy they could have been and how fucking beautiful making love with Seunghyun would be. He still remembered every touch, every kiss and every caress – how theses soft touches and careful movements had made his toes curl and eyes roll back into his head, how light he had felt as Seunghyun had pushed into him, pressing him down into the mattress with his whole body and how deliciously and maddingly good it had felt to be this close to Seunghyun. His heart had fluttered so much and he had never had such an intense orgasm in his life before and he doubted that he’d ever feel something like that again. It was more than sex, more than a quick fuck, more than a way to simply get off – it had been real – at least for him, it had been a connection and it had been the most intimate experience he ever had shared with someone in his life and he couldn’t stop himself from putting this breathtaking night into a song.

_I’m blind with love babe –_  
You’re dazzling babe –  
My mind is so out of it  
I’m possessed by you  
Blood is rushing to that one place again  
It’s dangerous  
You’re so dangerous babe –  
I’m drunk with your scent, getting hazy again –

Jiyong bit his lower lip, trying to concentrate on the lyrics, to add a few more phrases before working on the hook and maybe another rap part – but that one usually got written by Seunghyun. God damnit, he really never could stop thinking about the other man, especially not when working. What did he expect? Seunghyun always helped him with lyrics, adding his personal touch, and wrote all of his parts himself – how would Jiyong ever be able to avoid the other man? Seungyhun was too deeply involved in his life to just kick him out, but that meant that he had no other choice, but to let go of Seunghyun and move on from the pain. Jiyong just wasn’t too sure if he’d ever be able to do that, not after he had spend almost half of his life – his idol life at least – in love with him. If only he could finally decide if he wanted to fight for Seunghyun and see if they could go back to being the way they were in Paris, or if he would accept the fact that Seunghyun would never be his. His head said, let go and try to save what is left between them, but his heart wouldn’t listen – it craved Seunghyun and Seunghyun only and wouldn’t settle for anything else.

Maybe he was just thinking too hard about all this? His mother had always chided him for getting lost in his own head, worrying too much and thinking too much about things to the point where he’d only see the bad endings of it. Maybe all of this mess would end up completely different from what he expected right now? Maybe he should just let it go for now and see what the universe had planned for him? It was easier said than done, but Jiyong knew that overthinking this wouldn’t do him any good – it was already eating away at him and it only made his heart ache even more. If only he could erase that shit eating grin of Kyungil from that night –

He grit his teeth. No. He wasn’t going to let that image hunt him down, even if it meant that he would have to punch Kyungil in the face the next time he saw him – whatever. He wasn’t going to let Kyungil of all people make him feel bad now. Jiyong shook his head. He was here to get work done and maybe even distract himself, not think about that moron Kyungil – with that in mind he finally sat down again, looking through some of the mails Teddy, Yang and others had send to him, and got to work.

  
When he looked up from his PC again, it was way later than he had thought it was. His neck was already stiff from sitting in the same position for hours and his back wasn’t doing any better – he sat up straight, pushed back his shoulders and stretched his arms to the side and up, some of his joints popping and he rolled his shoulders to get some of their dexterity back. He desperately needed some coffee and walk around for a bit – his eyelids were already getting heavy and it felt like as if his left leg had fallen asleep.

Jiyong groggily got up, cursing at himself for not going to the gym as regularly as he should as his muscles protested – he felt like he was in his eighties already. He dragged his heavy feed across the floor and left his office, yawning on his way out and stretching his sore muscles once again. Most of the staff had already left – only a few artists were still holed up in their offices, probably working on solo stuff or things they needed to finish until whichever deadline Yang had chosen for them. He was about to make his way down to the canteen to get his much needed coffee, as he suddenly heard Chaerin’s voice – what was she still doing here? Jiyong stood still for a moment and looked at the door her voice was coming from – she was talking to someone, that much he could understand. Jiyong didn’t know why he got so curious at that moment, but he slowly made his way closer to the ajar door and stood completely still.

“ – okay, it already sounds good to me, but maybe start the second part once again? There is still some space for improvement.“

There was someone else in there, but Jiyong couldn’t hear a response, only someone shuffling around some papers, before opening a door, closing it again – the recording booth? – and then it was silent for a bit until music started. It was a heavy song, so much Jiyong could already tell – heavy bass, fast paced and would be perfect for one of their rappers, but who could Chaerin be working with? Bobby mostly asked Hanbin for his help, or Mino and vice versa – Tablo mostly asked him for help or Jinwoo and Seunghwan so who could be –

A deep voice suddenly flooded the room, rapping down the lyrics without a problem, almost growling out the lyrics at the end of the verse.

_I like your shining glow_  
I like your scent of peach  
I like the way you look when you’re being watched by friends –

Jiyong gasped – he knew that voice all too well and it immediately send a shudder down his back. Since when was Seunghyun working with Chaerin? Was he working on his solo album for real now? He stepped closer to the door, now only a few centimeters away from it – he wanted to listen closer to the lyrics, Seunghyun had the tendency to rap so fast that even Jiyong sometimes had problems with understanding them.

Chaerin was asking Seunghyun to go over it again.

_There are probably people you don’t want to remember_  
But in the end, they will still hum the song (dancing)  
Don’t panic even when the world you see leaves much to be desired  
Becauseu we are going to be together.

Jiyong had to press a hand over his mouth, holding himself back from making any noises – this was so typical for Seunghyun. When he first heard the melody of the song and the way Seunghyun rapped, he was sure the lyrics was going to be as angry as the song sounded, but no. Here he was singing a good damn love song, while spitting fire. It made Jiyong smile , but it quickly vanished again. Who was Seunghyun writing to? Was it only some fictional character he rapped to, or was this a song for someone he knew? Maybe Kyungil? His face fell, all the traces of the happy smile gone.

Jiyong stood completely still as he listened to the lyrics one more time, picking them apart to maybe read between the lines. Just as he thought he was onto something, someone tapped his shoulder and he jerked around, coming face to face with a smiling Teddy.

“Jiyong, it’s good to see you here again!“ – Jiyong couldn’t say the same, as he inwardly screamed at Teddy not to talk too loudly, because he didn’t want someone – mainly Seunghyun and Chaerin – to catch him listening to whatever song they were recording.

“Hey, Teddy. I was just about to –“, Jioyng vaguely pointed to somewhere behind him, indicating that he was already leaving again, when Teddy grabbed him and threw an arm around his shoulders dragging him into the recording room where Chaerin and Seunghyun were.

“ –join them in the recording room? You’re just the sweetest leader aren’t you! Always looking out for your members even when they are working on solo projects.“

Jiyong wanted to scream, wanted to punch Teddy in the face, cry and possibly run out of the room as fast as possible, but he couldn’t move an inch – Teddy was holding him in a deathgrip, as if he knew that Jiyong just wanted to run away and the big grin that spread across his face also told Jiyong that he was up to something. What the hell? Did Teddy know about him and Seunghyun’s fallout? What a god damn traitor – so much to his friends supporting him, this one was a backstabbing asshole who didn’t –

“Jiyong! It’s so good to see you here again!“, Chaerin had turned around where she was seated and send a bright smirk in his direction, here eyes filled with mirth – what the hell was going on? Did they all want to make him suffer? Jiyong’s knees all of a sudden got weak and his hands sweaty as he desperately tried to look anywhere but where Seunghyun was in the recording booth, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t feel Seunghyun’s piercing gaze on him. Goosebumps broke out on his body and made him shiver.

“Jiyong, why don’t you help Seunghyun out for a second, while Teddy and I grab some coffe, sounds good?“, Chaerin didn’t even wait for an answer and immediately walked out of the room with Teddy only a step behind her, who pointedly slammed the door shut behind them.

Jiyong’s heart was hammering so hard against his chest that he felt like he was either going to pass out, have a stroke or panic attack at any given moment or all three of them combined. He waited if Seunghyun would do something, say something – anything, but as Jioyng finally looked up he saw Seunghyun, who was simply waiting for him to sit down and pay attention, like they always did when recording.

Get a grip you moron, this is work – Jiyong inwardly cursed at himself for getting distracted by his pounding heart already. He quickly put on the headphones and signaled Seungyhun to get ready – the beat started again and Jiyong momentarily forget how to breath as Seunghyun started to rap again, his eyes fixated on Jiyong. It made his head spin and he didn’t even pay attention the first time Seunghuyn rapped his part, he just couldn’t look away from his piercing gaze and as Seunghyun was finally done again, a warm smile appeared on his lips. He knew that Jiyong hadn’t paid any attention to the song at all and that made Jiyong blush — he quickly looked away, growling at Seunghyun to do it once again. This time, he forced himself to train his eyes on the monitor in front of him, listening carefully to the way Seunghyun was pronouncing each word and how it worked with the background music.

“During the part where you rap “But in the end, they will still hum the song“, make sure you pronounce each word more carefully and during the last line, make sure that your voice stays deep – it sounds better if you go all deep and rough with this part – even growl a bit. Try again.“

He tried his best to hide behind his strict leader persona and he was succeeding, at least for the first few seconds. The moment Seungyhun started to rap again, Jiyong couldn’t help but stare at him again – this time, he listened to what Jiyong had told him. He pronounced his words more clearly than before and at the end of the verse he growled so deep into the microphone Jiyong had to bite his lip not to groan at the sounds he was making. A shuddering breath left his lips and he bit his lip again, trying to mask his flustered state by coughing and pushing around a few sheets on the desk and putting his headphones aside.

“Okay, sounds good to me.“

Where the hell were Chaerin in Teddy? Grabbing coffe for them couldn’t possibly take this long and Jiyong started to grow nervous – even more so when Seunghyun put aside his headphones and stepped out of the recording booth. Jiyong suddenly felt way too small in the presence of the other man – he was seated at the desk while Seunghyun almost loomed above him in his full height.

“What do you think?“, Seunghyun asked, stopping in front of Jiyong and waiting for his leader to answer his question with anticipation written across his face.

Jiyong gulped again. “I like it.“

“You like it?“ Dear god, what was Seunghyun trying to achieve here?

“Well, yes it sounds good and your lyrics are really good, too. Yang will like it. Congrats to whoever inspired you to those.“, Jiyong couldn’t help himself. He tried his best to keep his voice as neutral as possible, but even he knew that that comment came out the wrong way. Why did he do that? He told himself to be professional – at least today – and what did he do? Throw a biting comment like that at Seunghyun’s head. Wonderful done, Kwon. Really. It was none of his business who inspired Seunghyun – even if it was someone like Kyungil. His fingers nervously typed away at the keyboard in front of him, trying to appear busy in order to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach as Seunghyun suddenly started to smile.

“Well, seems like you need to congratulate yourself then.“

He stopped typing.

What?

Jiyong’s eyes darted up to Seunghyun’s, starring at him in disbelief. Did he hear that right? Did Seungyhun mean that Jiyong had inspired Seunghyun to write this song? Maybe even for him? He couldn’t help but gap stupidly at the man in front of him who leaned down a bit and placed his hands on the table, his face coming closer to Jiyong’s.

“‘I like your shining glow, your scent of peach‘, every time I watch you on stage or even in private and you smile at me, your whole face lids up and you smile so bright it seems like your glowing – and every time I woke up next to you, with you using me as a pillow, I would bury my nose in your neck just to take in your scent – you smell so sweet and delicious, just like peaches.“

Jiyong was breathing fast, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Seunghyun – not when he was carefully taking his face in his right hand and stroking his cheek with his thumb.

“‘I like the way you look when you’re being watched by friends‘, you don’t even know how much you bloom like a pretty flower when you are getting the attention you deserve, Jiyong. You are different when you are with friends than when you are with me – you are powerful, daring and fierce and I love it.“ Seunghyun looked at him as if he wanted to say more, so much more, but their moment got disturbed again as Jiyong’s phone suddenly went off and he jerked away from Seunghyun’s touch as if burned. He rapidly padded down his pant pockets, fished out his phone and without even looking who it was picked up the phone.

“Hey baby brother, you still at the label?“, Jiyong didn’t know whether to curse or love his sister right at that moment – he was still flustered. He quickly got up from his seat and paced around, in hopes to get rid off some of his nervous energy.

“Yeah, I’m still here – why? Do you need anything?“

“No, just wanted to make sure you’re not getting drunk again – you’re not getting drunk again, are you? You sound a bit weird is everything okay?“, heat quickly flowed to his face again.

“No, I’m alright. I’m at the recording room right now and –“

“Oh, you finally found some inspiration again? What song are you recording?“

Jiyong wanted the floor to swallow him up or something, please. He fingers were twitching and he couldn’t hold still, his nerves were over the roof and it got worse the longer he felt Seunghyun stare at him. He brushed his hand through his hair, before fidgeting again.

“It’s not one of my songs, I spend the day cleaning up my office a bit and wrote some new things.“

“Oh? Whose song are you recording?“

Jiyong turned around, finally looking back at Seunghyun, only to realize that he was standing right behind – now in front of – him, making Jiyong take a step back – his back hitting the wall behind him and Seunghyun still in front of him. Seungyhun was giving him that look again, the one he had always given him which he had simply dismissed as nothing more as friendship but now – now he wasn’t so sure anymore. His eyes reflected so much warmth and made him swoon, just like it did back in Paris. He took a deep breath, never breaking eye contact with the man in front of him.

“Seunghyun.“

Within a second, Seunghyun moved forward – he was only a few centimeters away from Jiyong anymore and Jiyong closed his eyes and held his breath, as he waited for Seungyun to move that last few millimeters to press his lips against his own –

But nothing.

He exhaled sharply and slowly opened his eyes again. Seunghyun was still close to him, he could even feel his warm breath on his skin, but he didn’t make a move – only gently smiling at him. Jiyong vaguely heard his sister talk to him over the phone, but he wasn’t really paying attention to her. Instead, his eyes were glued to Seunghyun once again – watching him nervously as Seunghyun carefully too his free hand in his and placed something inside his palm. He slowly closed Jiyong’s smaller hand with his own, leaned forward and gave him a chaste kiss on his cheek, before stepping back again, casting one last look at him, before leaving the room and letting the door fall shut behind him with a soft click.

“Jiyong? Jiyong are you still there?“, he finally snapped out of his daze, blinking a few times before coming back fully and answering his sister.

“Yeah, sorry what?“

“I asked if you are coming home any time soon, you promised we’d watch that new drama togetehr and it will be on in half an hour.“

“Yeah, yeah sure. I’m on my way home.“

He quickly ended the call and let his phone slip into his back pocket. His mind was racing and he only now acknowledged the small thing Seunghyun had placed in his hand before disappearing like that again – it was round and had a smooth surface and Jiyong’s heart skipped a beat as he realized Seunghyun had given him a ring, with a little note attached to it. The ring was pretty simple – it was a thick band of silver – but Jiyong immediately loved it. Sure, on stage he was always wearing the most extravagant outfits he could find, but there was this other side of him – Kwon Jiyong, his private face, that also loved the more simple things in life. Okay, this ring didn’t look like it was anything ‘simple‘, but Jiyong loved it and couldn’t help but smile when he read the note.  
“Wear Me.“ Jiyong couldn’t help but laugh at this childish side of Seunghyun, he had always loved it how innocent and pure Seunghyun sometimes was – even though Jiyong knew all too well how dirty and downright filthy Seunghyun could be as well.

He carefully ripped the small piece of paper away from the ring and slipped it onto his finger. Maybe things weren’t completely lost between them anyway? Maybe they could still talk things out?

But he knew that it would need more than just a few nice words and small gestures like this to make it right again – from both sides. Too much had happened to just brush it off like that and pretend it never happened, even though he’d love nothing more than just do that, he knew that it wouldn’t work out in the long run.

But this could be a nice start.

 

* * *

 

 

  
Days went by and Jioyng found himself more often than not hanging out at the label. He was back in his full professional mode, working non stop on new songs, helping out the iKON boys whenever Bobby crashed his office, beggin for his help, and all the other things he needed to do. Things he had neglected ever since he came back from Paris – Jiyong still didn’t know how Yang hadn’t ripped him a new one, maybe he had just been lucky and Yang had been too busy to notice that Jiyong hadn’t been getting much work done lately? Anyways, he didn’t want to jinx it so he threw himself into work, writing more and more songs again and working on a few beats with Teddy – who still had that Cheshire Cat like smile whenever he saw Jiyong, but knocked it off after Jiyong glared at him. It would all be perfect if only he wasn’t always looking over his shoulder all the time, seeing if Seunghyun was around, because most times Seunghyun actually was around and that meant Jiyong staring at Seunghyun and Seunghyun staring back at Jiyong. It was weird. Ever since the little incident in the recording room they hadn’t talked at all. Yet. But the thing Jiyong had done was wear the ring Seungyhun had given to him as a gift – it hadn’t been a hard decision in the end. It was a present and Jiyong liked it, why make a big deal out of it?  
At least that was what he told himself on the regular basis whenever he saw the ring on his finger – it was just a present, nothing more. Nothing to flip your shit over. It didn’t mean that Seunghyun and he were going to work out it was just a present. A really expensive one as Jiyong found out later that night when he first got it. But he still wore it – why waste such an amazing ring?  
When Seunghyun first had noticed Jiyong was wearing the ring, Jiyong had been in deep conversation with Bobby and Hanbin, lecturing about god knows what – he had already forgotten about it. But what he hadn’t forgotten was the look Seunghyun had on his face when he noticed the small accessory on Jiyong’s finger – they all had been standing in the hallway, when Seunghyun rounded the corner and Jiyong immediately tried not to pay attention to the othr man which is why he started to gesture with his hands and that was when Seunghyun noticed and Jiyong chose right that moment to take a quick glance at Seunghyun and he stopped talking mid sentence when he saw him. Seunghyun looked at him as if he was the impersonated version of Christmas and his birthday combined – eyes soft and shining brightly, as he pressed his lips together trying to suppress the huge smile that broke out on his face anyways. Jiyong quickly tried to compose himself and looked away, but the blush was evidently on his face and he had already lost his train of thoughts. Bobby and Hanbin had used right that moment to bombard him with another thousand questions all at once and didn’t even notice his flustered state.

That staring thing tho, Jiyong quickly realized that it was one of the games they always played – just like back in Paris and even before that. But back in Paris it had been the perfect opportunity, they both had time on their hands and could fool around like that without getting recognized right away. Jiyong was playful by nature and he had really enjoyed their little chasing game through the empty streets of Paris and the sex that followed was only the tip of the iceberg so back to one of their little games it was. Only that Jiyong wasn’t too sure what its rules were – at least not entirely.

It was similar to what they had done in the club, looking at each other and flirting with their eyes, but never making any attempt to talk – it was as if both of them were trying to make the other one make the first step, but this time Jiyong wasn’t going to give in that easily. Or maybe it was his turn to do something? Maybe Seunghyun giving him the ring was his signal for him to do something next? Seunghyun always did seem like he was waiting for something to happen, but Jiyong was too scared to actually do something about it – how could he anyways? There were always people around and he really didn’t want to be disturbed when that moment came when they – when they did what, exactly? Jiyong wasn’t too sure what would happen and he really didn’t want to hope for something, but he knew something was going to happen between them no matter what, because as the days went by, the tension between them seemed to get stronger and stronger.

Just the other day, Jioyng had been on his way to his studio – he had just entered the elevator when Seunghyun had joined him at the last moment. His heart had been pounding so bad by just being in the same small space as Seunghyun had been, but as it turned out the universe was being an asshole on that day, because at the next level a group of people entered the elevator, which ended with Seunghyun standing behind Jiyong so close he could feel the other man’s breath on his neck – he still pretended that someone moved back a bit and pushed him against the other man’s chest, but if he was being honest it had just been a moment of weakness of his. Seunghyun had been so close and it felt so good to feel that broad chest against his back. He didn’t expect Seunghyun to let one of his hands rest on his hip and massaging small circles into his skin after he slipped his hand underneath the hem of Jiyong’s shirt. He had bitten his lip to hold back the unexpected and totally unmanly squeak that had threatened to break through his lips and had left the elevator at the next level, trying to escape.

The thing was that as much as he enjoyed this little push and pull game that was going on between them, he really didn’t want it to go any further. Jiyong wasn’t stupid, he knew that this tension between them originated from their sexual desires and as much as he wanted to give in, to have Seunghyun throw him around and have his way with him and make him scream, he knew that saying screw it all and have their way with each other was the most stupid thing they could be doing right now, because then they would never talk about the thing that was going on between them and they would fall back into their pattern. Back to being friends with benefits who more often than not pulled back from what they had in order to not get hurt and in the end only hurt the other one even more.

And Jiyong was sick of it. He was either going to have Seunghyun all to himself or not at all. He would not be willing to share him, not with Kyungil, not with some random hook-ups, not with anyone. Seunghyn was either going to be his or Jiyong would be gone.

Not completely, but he would pull himself together and get himself out of this. He was only going to settle for this, no compromises, no excused.

The only problem now was – how was he going to talk to Seunghyun about it? He had made up his mind about him and Seunghyun, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t scared of being rejected. Maybe Seungyhun only wanted to have his sex buddy back, one of his closest friends who he could have unattached sex with whenever he wanted and did not crave the same things Jiyong wanted. This little detail was what held him back from Seunghyun, he had already made up his mind once before and it had ended with him seeing Kyungil and Seunghyun togetehr on that damn couch, he didn’t want to jinx it.

Which meant that he only needed courage to finally ask Seunghyun to talk things out.

Not like that was going to be a big deal.

Not at all.

 

* * *

 

  
A few days later Jiyong found himself at Dongwook’s place – packed with people, mostly members of their old Nu Thang gang, and debating whether or not he should stay. He really had looked forward to see Xin, SooJoo and Dongwook himself, even Seunghyun, but he hadn’t looked forward to seeing Kyungil again. The moment he had stepped into the room and Kyungil had seen him, his face had dropped and he had hid behind the group of people he was talking to.

Good. For whatever reason that little asshole was scared of him.

That didn’t mean that his presence alone wasn’t making him uneasy, especially when Seunghyun stepped into the picture and talked to Soohyuk, who was standing right next to Kyungil. To Jiyong’s surprise Seunghyun wasn’t acting any differently than he normally was with his friends – he talked with mischief in his eyes, laughed at whatever joke he just had heard and teased the younger people around him. Every now and then he talked to Kyungil, but there were no lingering moments between them, no eye contact that lasted longer than socially accepted between friends – at least from Seunghyun’s side. Kyungil on the other hand, was a completely different story. He more than once tried to get Seunghyun’s attention or tried to put his arm around his shoulders, but every time he did something like that Seunghyun stepped out of his reach or shook off his hand. It made Jiyong smirk – maybe Seunghyun didn’t want Kyungil after all? It didn’t completely erase the hurt he had felt from seeing them together, but it send twisted pleasure through him, knowing that Kyungil wasn’t who Seunghyun wanted.

Jiyong was seated on the couch between Xin and SooJoo when Soohyuk, who was still talking to Seunghyun, pointed in Jiyong’s direction and Seunghyun’s head immediately jerked into his direction – eyes fixated on Jiyong. After all this staring during the past few weeks you might think that Jiyong was already used to being stared at by Seunghyun like that, but he really wasn’t and he doubted that he ever would. His heartbeat quickened and his cheeks turned red – Chaerin immediately picked up the difference in his behavior as well, turned around – only for her eyes to land on Seunghyun, look back at Jiyong and grin.

“You guys finally going to fuck it out, or do you need some more eye fucking?“

Jiyong’s blush only depended.

“Shut up.“

Chaerin threw her head back and laughed loudly, while Jiyong desperately tried to make himself seem smaller. Xin nudged him into the side and he saw out the corner of his eyes that SooJoo was grinning at him as well. Fuck his friends, he needed some fresh air. He quickly got up and fled the scene, ignoring the cat calls coming from his friends and went outside for a moment to breath. He sat down at the edge of the terrace, stretching out his feed so they touched the soft gras.

The sun had already set and the wind played with Jiyong’s hair. It was a calm night – you couldn’t even hear the loud sounds of the night city that was alive and wild at this time of the day. It was amazing how calm this neighborhood was – Jiyong had always envied Dongwook for this place, if only the security would be better. He would have moved here a long time ago.

Jiyong let himself fall back, his arms falling onto the cool ground, and looked up at the night sky. He slowly closed his eyes for a moment as he listened to the faint noises coming from inside the house – happy chatting, muffled music and laughter.

The silence around him made him think, again. About Seunghyun – who else would he think about? Should he finally make the step and talk to him? They were – mostly – surrounded by friends right now and he had only a handful of drinks meaning he was only slightly tipsy, just the right amount to have more courage than the complete sober version of himself and far away from being too intoxicated to do something he might regret later. Another plus point was that he could just get up and leave at any given moment – if things didn’t work out as he had planned, hoped, he could just leave and lick his wounds at home in peace.

Jiyong was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t register the faint noises of someone opening the terrace door, momentarily letting more of the inside noises of the house bleed through the silence, before the door got closed again and the noises were cut out. He didn’t dare to open his eyes and simply waited for the other person to either leave or talk, but neither of both things happened. Silent footsteps came closer to him until he heard someone move and shift right next to him, laying down on the ground close to him, without saying a word. Jiyong didn’t need to think twice about who it was – the faint smell of everything that reminded Jiyong of home made it pretty clear that it could only be one person.

His eyes were still closed.

“Do you think now is the time to finally talk about us?“, Jiyong had tried to make his voice strong, but it came out brittle and small.

The person next to him shifted around again and Jiyong waited for an answer.

“I’d love that, yes.“

Jiyong exhaled deeply, trying to calm down his heart that was already beating faster, just from hearing Seunghyun’s voice that close to him. He finally opened his eyes and rolled to his side, finally looking at the man next to him, who had already mirrored his movements and looked at him. Jiyong had seen many emotions on the other man’s face before, but what he saw right now stole his breath away. He had never seen Seunghyun being so sure and vulnerable at the same time – there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but at the same time they reflected so much Jiyong knew Seunghyun could see in his own eyes. Fear. Sadness. Sorrow. Anticipation.

“I’m not sure where to start or how to, I just know that I don’t want to say something to hurt you or make you run away from me again.“ Jiyong felt his stomach twist with nerves as while he spoke, this was going to be so much harder than he had already feared it would be.

Seunghyun gulped, but still smiled at Jiyong.

“I’m not going to run away again, I promise. If you want to talk, I am all yours.“

Jiyong opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Should he really address all the things that had hurt him? Maybe all of it would be too much for the beginning. Even though Seunghyun had said he wouldn’t run away, but stay, that he was willing to talk to Jiyong, he still feared that he would just get up and leave.

“It’s just that I was already ready to talk about all of this before. I went to your place, you know, to see you. To clear things up between us, because I had missed you so much – that night when I had the accident. I was so nervous I ended up drinking so much and you got so angry and it hurt so bad to hear you say things like that about me.“

He paused for a moment, tears already swelling up in his eyes.

Seunghyun was still looking at him, his glistening with tears as well.

“ – and then I tried again, not too long ago. That night at the club? I went to see you before that, I was hurting so bad, but I still needed to see you and I wanted to talk about all of this mess, but then I found you with him and I just, I couldn’t – I walked out of your house and immediately got ready to get shit faced. I didn’t want to feel the hurt.“

Seungyhun had been close to tears all this time, listening carefully to what Jioyng had to say, but when he mentioned that last part, that small detail of finding him with Kyungil that day, he looked confused.

“Wait, who did you find me with?“, he looked so genuinely confused that even Jiyong got irritated for a second, before anger started to swell in his stomach. Was Seunghyun really going to pretend it never happened?

“Kyungil, obviously.“ Jiyong didn’t even bother to hide the venom dripping from his voice. Why should he? Seunghyun was the one who had fucked him and he wasn’t going to feel sorry for him.

“Wait, Kyungil? You think I have had sex with Kyungil?“

“Don’t pretend nothing happened, I saw you with him. On the couch – “

“No, Jiyong – you have to believe me when I say that I have never had sex with Kyungil.“

“Oh for fuck’s sake.“ Jiyong sat up straight. “Do you think I am an idiot? I saw you with him! Cuddling naked under that fucking blanket, why are you trying to lie yourself out of this one? I thought we were finally going to be honest with each other – “

Seunghyun sat up as well, panic in his eyes.

“I am being honest, you have to believe me. I don’t know what it looked like, but we never did anything even close to sex – I never would. Kyungil is a friend and nothing more. It’s true, he was there with me that day, but I really don’t remember what you just said? I was a mess and he came over but I got angry at him and I spilled wine on my pyjama and I don’t know – I took a sleeping pill before that even though it was only afternoon, because I just wanted to finally have a full night of sleep – but he came over and when I wanted to put away my glass he took it away from me and I spilled the wine on my shirt and pyjama pants. I pulled it off and sat down on the couch, because the sleeping pill were finally kicking in and I fell asleep on the couch in my underwear and when I woke up next it was already dark outside and Kyungil was snoring on the other end of the couch fully dressed. You have to believe me, Jiyong.“

Jiyong studied Seunghuyn’s face – he wasn’t lying, he was a terrible liar and Jiyong always knew when he wasn’t telling the truth, but the way he looked now? Almost desperate? Looking so scared that Jiyong might not believe me? That was the truth, but that didn’t explain the things he had seen.

If Seunghyun couldn’t remember what had happened and had been knocked out thanks to the sleeping pill he had taken it could only mean that Kyungil had done something to mess with Jiyong, maybe even did something to Seunghyun, and that made Jiyong’s blood boil.

Jiyong huffed with anger and shot up, his feet almost stomping onto the ground as he walked back to the terrace door. Seunghyun immediately got up as well and grabbed Jiyong at the wrist –

“Wait, where are you going?“ Seunghyun sounded so scared Jiyong almost felt sorry for the fury he was feeling inside and he paused for a moment.

“I’m going to talk to Kyungil for a moment and possibly punch his stupid face in.“

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 


	11. Act lll: Part l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had finished this chapter and the next one about two weeks ago, but sadly I smashed my  
> USB stick or something and I couldn't save the files, but hey! I am back! More or less.
> 
> The next chapter is completed already and I am really looking forward to post the next chapter,  
> because I think it is my most favourite chapter right now. 
> 
> Also, we are slowly approaching the end of this fanficiton. It will probably have 15 or maybe 16 chapters,  
> I have not decided yet if there will be an epilogue or not, but knowing me I think there will be. I have  
> grown pretty attached to this fic over the time and I am not really ready to let it go yet, ha.
> 
> If you want to know anything or talk to me or whatever, leave a comment!  
> Or hit me up on Twitter: @mottemotteme Instagram: @motteme_
> 
> Also, kudos to Jiyong for writing "Untitled, 2014".  
> The lyrics fit perfectly for this moment.

** Act lll: Part: l “Heartworm” **

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

  1. _A relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you though had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smouldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire._



 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

All he could see was red.

The anger was flaring up deep inside of him, like smouldering ambers getting blown on – making them flare up again and developing into a fire that had the power to burn every single one around him down. He didn’t look back, didn’t react when Seunghyun called out for him – he was acting in the heat of the moment, on autopilot – the only thought that crossed his mind was to hurt.

Hurt the man that had used Seunghyun’s vulnerability, waited for him to pass out from the sleeping pills and did the unspeakable to him – touched him and hurt him. The mere thought of someone touching Seunghyun usually drove him up the wall already, but in this case it was so much worse, worse than any possibility he could think of. This was about a _friend_ using the trust Seunghyun had put into him, just to get a touch of his naked skin. Back when they were still in Paris all those months ago, when that filthy _wench_ wouldn’t stop hitting on Seunghyun and stick to him so long even her damn perfume clung to him; he was ready to fight her. He remembered being pissed at Seunghyun for _god knows what_ that night, but when he came back to the hotel and got into the shower and cried, all his anger had melted away and he stepped under the spray of hot water without a second thought and held onto him. Held onto him until the sobs stopped and the man he had loved for so many years finally calmed down again.  It had broken his heart to see him like that and he had sworn that he would never let something like this happen again, but thanks to him behaving like a bratty teenager throwing a temper-tantrum at Seunghyun, he got hurt.

His shoulders were drawn back tightly and his face was twisted in utter rage as he stormed inside again, pushing people aside, storming from room to room to finally find that fucker that had hurt his Seunghyun. The music must have blasted loudly in his ears, but he couldn’t hear a thing – especially not when he finally spotted Kyungil. He was standing on the mostly vacant balcony, a glass in his hand and staring down to where Jiyong had been laying only a moment ago – had he been watching them? Jiyong didn’t want to think about it.

He dashed towards the other man, who turned around as soon as he had heard Jiyong growl out his name, but moved too slow to duck the fist thrown at his face. Jiyong could feel the fine bones of his knuckles crack when his they connected with Kyungil’s cheekbone, right underneath his eyes. The impact of the punch made the taller man stumble backwards, his head getting yanked to the side so quickly he couldn’t react at all – and Jiyong made great use of that.

“You sick bastard, touch Seunghyun again and I will fucking kill you!”

He didn’t waste a second and his left fist collided with Kyungil’s nose – he needed to move fast otherwise Kyungil would take advantage of his bigger and taller frame and actually use the mass of muscles which his body was made of.  
This time, his wrist made a cracking noise too and for a second pain shot through his arm, but Jiyong was running high on adrenaline and his body was practically vibrating with pent up energy and rage.

Before he could land another blow on that stupid face, he felt strong arms at each side of his own and getting dragged backwards – he didn’t miss the chance to swing up his leg and kick Kyungil as hard as he could in the ribs, but then he was on the other side of the balcony and got pushed to the ground. He was trashing from side to side, screaming obscenities at Dongwook and Jaesang, who had no idea what was going on and just wanted to break this fight apart so the other people wouldn’t notice it – or much at least. The music was still turned up pretty loud and there were barely any neighbours who could call the cops on them.

“Fucking hell, Dongwook – let me go so I can kick that fucker’s face in! Scumbag like him doesn’t deserve shit and I will make him pay for what he did!”

“Jiyong, calm down. You already punched him in the face and probably broke his nose, too – you have to stop or do you want the whole party to know that _G Dragon_ assaulted someone?”

Jiyong froze in place – it was not exactly what Jaesang had said right now that made him stop. He couldn’t care less what people thought about him if it meant that he could punch the person that had probably raped Seunghyun in the face – fuck he would do it again and again and again. But he didn’t want to draw attention to Seunghyun – and if he continued to kick that assholes face in, he would have to explain to everyone why he did it and he didn’t feel comfortable with telling everyone it was because he raped Seunghyun. Seunghyun, who was one of the most private people he knew. Someone who hid from the media as good as he could in his free-time and wanted to stay as far away from scandals as possible.

No, he wouldn’t hurt Seunghyun like this so he tried to swallow the rage he was still felling and let himself get pulled back a bit more. All of a sudden Seunghyun appeared at his side, worry written all over his face as he saw Jiyong’s still shaking hands. He hadn’t paid much attention to them yet, he was still too preoccupied with everything else, but when Seunghyun carefully took them in his own he looked down and flinched. There were already bruises forming and the pain was throbbing through his knuckles and the back of his hands – he had probably fractured or even broken a thing or too, but he didn’t regret it. Seunghyun still looked at him, but Jiyong smiled softly at him – to reassure him that he was okay. Hell, why was Seunghyun the one who tried to comfort him, Jiyong should be the one to reassure Seunghyun.

“Okay, fine. Everyone calmed down – could someone please explain to me why Jiyong suddenly attacked Kyungil like that? I mean, fuck – Jiyong, I know you can’t stand each other, but was that really necessary?”

Dongwook had walked up to Kyungil, who had been on his knees, helped him up and was now trying to steady his stance. Blood was gushing out of his nose and Jiyong knew he shouldn’t feel proud at all, but he couldn’t hold back the slightly satisfied smirk as he saw that Kyungil’s right eye was starting to bruise as well. But his eyes darted back to Seunghyun – he didn’t know what to say or how much he could say. He didn’t want to spill anything Seunghyun wasn’t comfortable with, but judging by the look on Seunghyun’s face he knew that the older one wouldn’t keep quiet.

Right now, there were only Dongwook, Jaesang, Seunghyun, Jiyong and Kyungil on the balcony – people who Seunghyun knew wouldn’t judge him or spill this to the press.

 

Seunghyun looked uneasy and ashamed all of a sudden – it was as if he had finally realized an uncomfortable truth or something. Jiyong hadn’t listened to what Seunghyun had wanted to say, too focused on punching Kyungil’s face in to care.

Seunghyun took a calming breathe and slowly breathed out as if readying himself for what was about to come – Jiyong felt like crying when Seunghyun spoke up, his voice was soft and weak and Jiyong just wanted to pull the other man in a tight hug and not let go.

“I think, Kyungil raped me when I was unconscious – the sleeping pills I take coupled with alcohol always knock me out completely for a couple of hours and the last time he stayed over I took them and drank too much wine.”

He stopped for a second, swallowing hard and his eyes drifting to the ground.

It made Jiyong’s stomach turn in the most uncomfortable ways possible.

“When I woke up again, I felt sick. My whole body was sore and hurt in every way imaginable and I just _knew_ something had happened, that someone had _done_ something to me, but I just – I couldn’t say anything. I tried get up from the couch, but my back and _other parts_ hurt so much my knees nearly buckled.”

He took a shuddering breath, tears were swelling up in his eyes and he looked so fragile.

“I never had the guts to confront him and ever since that happened I avoided him like the plaque and just told myself nothing happened – over and over again until I started to believe it, but now – I just, I can’t.” Tears streamed down his face and Jiyong had him in his arm in a heartbeat. Seunghyun buried his head in the crook of Jiyong’s neck and Jiyong carefully combed through the other man’s hair, trying to calm him down, but he knew it would take a lot more than just a hug to help Seunghyun overcome this.  

“Tell me that this didn’t happen!”, Jaesang’s angry voice roared through the otherwise silent night – Dongwook had let Kyungil fall to the ground like a sack of potatoes and staggered backwards, a look of disgust and shock on his face as he stared at Kyungil. The oldest of them was a different story though – he grabbed Kyungil at the collar of his shirt and yanked him towards his face, but Kyungil only smiled.

It made Jiyong’s blood boil and he prayed to every god that he would never have to see that visage again.

Seunghyun was moving in his arms – tightening his hold around Jiyong’s waste as he carefully looked up. He was still mostly hiding his bigger frame behind Jiyong, but he needed to hear the truth from Kyungil’s mouth even though he already knew what had happened.

“I’ve loved you for so long, Seunghyun, but all you ever saw was that midget over there – treating you like a fucking sex toy and using you and hurting you over and over again. I hate him for all the shit he pulled you through and yet you still only loved him.”

Jiyong felt like someone punched him in the gut, but he ignored it. This wasn’t about him, this was about Seunghyun and right now he needed to be there for the other man. His fingers drawing small circles on his back.

“That night, you looked so peacefully – I just couldn’t help myself anymore and when you finally passed out I just had to have you, even if it was only for a moment and then that asshole showed up and it felt so good to see him break as he saw me with you. It felt better than anything in the world to know that I fucked you and –“, Kyungil wasn’t able to finish that sentence. Jaesang was so fast onto him – another punch in the gut and Kyungil toppled forward, but he didn’t stop. He tightened his hold on his collar even more and dragged him away. Seunghyun’s whole body was shaking by now and Jiyong was afraid that the older man would fall to the ground any second now – thankfully Dongwook was by his side immediately and helped him dragging Seunghyun inside into his bedroom, away from the crowd, away from Kyungil. Jiyong could only hope that Jaesang had kicked him out of the house by now, but he didn’t want to think about that rapist pig any longer.

Seunghyun was a crying mess and never stopped holding onto Jiyong so when they helped him to the bed, Jiyong crawled into it next to him. His body was still shaking and neither Dongwook nor Jiyong knew what they were supposed to do. They both looked helplessly at each other while Seunghyun’s crying slowly died down. After a while, Dongwook quietly left the room – sensing that Seunghyun just wanted to cry his heart out while holding onto Jiyong and not dealing with anyone else.

The house got quiet after a while – there was chattering outside as people were leaving and the music had stopped by now, but all Jiyong could concentrate on was Seunghyun’s breathing. Their bodies were pressed close against one another – Seunghyun still had his head buried in Jiyong’s chest and Jiyong had put his arms protectively around the older man. His fingers were combing through his hair and without noticing it, he started to hum the melody of one of the songs he had been working on.

He didn’t know how much time passed and he really didn’t care, but slowly Seunghyun pulled back from the hug, just enough to look up at Jiyong. His eyes were still filled with tears and were all puffy and red by now from all the crying.

“Can we go home, please?”

Jiyong nodded.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

They had been halfway to Seunghyun’s house, when Seunghyun suddenly begged Jiyong to drive to his place. At first, he was taken aback by the request, but as he thought about it for a second he felt stupid for not offering to go to his apartment in the first place. Obviously Seunghyun wouldn’t feel comfortable in the place where he had been raped, especially not after talking about it for the first time. Jiyong quietly reached out and grabbed Seunghyun’s hand, squeezing it affectionately, before his eyes darted back to the road and drove them to his place.

On their way up to the apartment and even when Jiyong opened the front door, Seunghyun had been holding onto his arm the whole time. Seunghyun was walking behind him and Jiyong felt as if the other man was a little kid again that was too afraid to walk alone or otherwise the monsters where going to get to him. He didn’t judge him for his behaviour though and made sure not to move too abruptly when he pulled Seunghyun into the safety of his flat.

Dami was home and was about to greet Jiyong with a smile on her face, but her smile dropped immediately when she saw Seunghyun and the state he was in. Seunghyun’s eyes were trained on the ground and he didn’t move a muscle and her eyes, which were filled with worry and fear, darted to Jiyong, searching for answers – but he only shook his head and she quickly backed off, leaving the two of them alone and Jiyong was thankful for his sister being able to read between the lines. He could talk to her later, if Seunghyun was okay with that it was.

They toed off their shoes near the entrance and Jiyong pulled them towards his room, but the older man stopped in front of the door which lead to the bathroom and without having to say anything Jiyong understood. He quickly darted to his room to grab a couple of clothes for them and was back in the bathroom, where Seunghyun was already sitting at the edge of the tub.

Without saying a word, Jiyong started the shower and the room slowly got heated up by the warm stream. Jiyong didn’t know what he was supposed to do right now though – was it okay to touch Seunghyun? Should he get in the shower with him or even help him undress? He carefully stepped closer and placed his hands on Seunghyun’s shoulders, who in return seemed to finally relax.

It was as if something which had been lodged deep inside of him, finally loosened and he started to strip Seunghyun from his clothes. He started with the button up shirt he was wearing, undoing each button carefully, until finally brushing the shirt down his shoulders and arms until it landed on the ground with a soft thud. Seunghyun’s hands had rested on Jiyong’s hips the whole time – he was standing between his lightly parted thighs and once the upper part of the older man’s body was naked, Seunghyun started to tug at Jiyong’s belt and undid the fly of his pants. Jiyong stopped his movement for a second, but continued to caress the fine hair at the back of his head while his pants and boxers got pulled down.

If intimacy was what Seunghyun needed right now, he was willing give everything he had.

They continued to undress each other carefully without a rush, they took all the time they needed and it was so much different from anything they were used to. Normally, they weren’t able to hold back at all before they practically tore each other’s clothes off, but this time around it was as if each movement could cause something to break and they touched each other slowly. It never got sexual though – it would feel wrong between them right now. They still hadn’t talked anything out and after the revelation of today, Seunghyun really wasn’t in the right mind to give consent to someone – and neither was Jiyong.

When they finally stepped under the warm spray of the shower head they continued to hold onto each other and simply stood there for a while. The hot water ran down their bodies and Seunghyun continued to bury his head in the crook of Jiyong’s neck. It made Jiyong smile a bit – though the circumstances were terrible, he felt happy that he could give Seunghyun some kind of closer. At least he hoped he did.

By the time they had finally washed each other and rinsed themselves off again, the whole room had heated up and even the mirrors were fogged. They still hadn’t said a word to each other, but words weren’t needed. They quietly dried each other off and quickly changed into the fresh set of clothing Jiyong had snatched from his room. Seunghyun raised an eyebrow at Jiyong with a faint smile on his lips as he recognized the long sleeved shirt Jiyong held towards him – it was one of the shirts Seunghyun had lent to Jiyong ages ago and claimed to have lost it, just so he could keep the damn thing. It made Jiyong blush and he scoffed, reaching for his own shirt and underwear and quickly put it on so Seunghyun wouldn’t see his blush but it was useless and he knew it.

Seunghyun went to Jiyong’s room straight away, but Jiyong made a short stop in the kitchen before he followed him into his own room and closed the door quietly behind him and what he saw made his heart skip a beat. Though Seunghyun continuously claimed that he loved dogs and disliked cats, he still seemed to have a soft spot for Iye. The cat had jumped in his lap and cuddled up against his chest as he demanded attention and Seunghyun even had the faintest hint of a smile on his lips as he continued to pet him, his eyes gazing down lovingly at him and Jiyong was pretty sure he had the same besotted look on his own face as he watched them for a moment.

Seunghyun finally looked up at Jiyong he let go of Iye who immediately wanted to leave the room again and Jiyong let him out, closed the door again and sat down on his bed next to Seunghyun.

“I got some snacks in case we get hungry or something and a couple of bottles of water.”

He awkwardly put them on his night stand, making sure the cookies – Seunghyun’s favourites – and the bottles wouldn’t tumble to the floor. His body was faced away from the older man, but that didn’t stop him from hugging Jiyong from behind and cuddling close to his back.

“Thank you.”

There was heaviness in Seunghyun’s voice and Jiyong knew that it wasn’t just for some cookies and water Seunghyun was thanking him for. It brought back tears to Jiyong’s eyes, but he quickly blinked them away. As much as it hurt that Seunghyun apparently thought that he had to thank him for being a basic understanding human being, he really needed to be there for him and offer his shoulder for him to cry on.  
Jiyong turned around and pulled Seunghyun against his chest again, pulling the blanket over them and pressed light kisses on his forehead.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, Seunghyun. If anything I should be apologizing.”

Seunghyun sneaked his arms around his waist and his legs intertwined with his own as well and it felt so fucking good to have him back in his arms. That’s all he ever wanted – Seunghyun close, inhaling his addicting scent and making sure that no one would be able to hurt him.  
He miserably failed the last part, but he would try so much harder to shield all evil off Seunghyun from now on. He would not let anyone or anything come close to hurting Seunghyun in any way ever again, especially not himself. He would rather shoot himself in the leg or something than hurt the other man.

“I think I should apologize though – we have so much to talk about anyways, but is it okay if we don’t talk about this now? I’m really tired and I just want to hold you right now.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I just want to hold you, too – everything else can wait.”

It was so different from their old ways.

In some way, Jiyong had always been there for Seunghyun – helping him with the mixtapes to get into YG, cheering him up when he was down thanks to YG making him stick to an inhumanly diet, or simply sitting next to him quietly when he needed company. But never in the years they had known each other had Seunghyun ever let his guard down like this.

The thing with Seunghyun was that to the outside world it seemed that he was really good at concealing his struggles and feelings – that he was someone who didn’t have many emotions to begin with, but reality was so much different.  
Seunghyun was one of the most sensitive people Jiyong had ever came across to – he had sworn not to tell anyone but every  now and then Seunghyun had indulged in Jiyong’s guilty pleasure that were period dramas and by the end of it, Seunghyun was the one who bawled his eyes out. Jiyong obviously always cried, too, but he never had had a problem with showing that – Seunghyun on the other hand _had a reputation to uphold_ , that was at least what he told Jiyong when he made him promise not to tell anyone about his emotional side.

  
You’d think that him being sensitive would make it easier for him to talk about all the things going on in his head, but it was the painful opposite. It was easier to pull your teeth out by hand than to get Seunghyun to open up about something that was bothering him, the only one who could knock some sense into him and make him open up was his mother, but in the more recent years even she hadn’t really been able to reach him. More than once did she call Jiyong, trying to get him to talk to Seunghyun and Jiyong would try – he would do everything that woman asked him to do, she was like a second mom for him – but Seunghyun being the stubborn mule that he was, rarely opened up about anything or even shed tears in front of them. Jiyong could count on one hand how often he had seen Seunghyun cry in the past and that had only been during times when he was completely shit-faced.

So, Seunghyun opening up to Jiyong like this – to let him see his tears, the red eyes and ugly sobbing was something completely new to both of them. It scared Jiyong as much as it made him happy. Scared, because he didn’t know for sure if he would be able to give Seunghyun what he needed, that he would be able to support him during this hard time or if he would fail miserably. Then again, the fact that Seunghyun had opened up to him at all like that was almost a miracle and he felt immense pride blooming up in his chest that he was the one Seunghyun trusted enough to show him this side of him. He had already been taken aback in Paris when Seunghyun had let himself be held after he had suffered through a panic attack, but being able to hold Seunghyun like this a second time – after everything that had happened, mind you – was more than Jiyong deserved.  

Seunghyun cuddled closer to Jiyong – his nose was brushing against the tender skin of his throat and he could feel the warmth of his breath. It sent shivers down his spine –

 It was already late and the only source of light was the night lamp next to Jiyong’s bed, which dipped the room in a comfortable orange light. Everything felt soft and hazy and Jiyong soaked up these tender moments between them – it was like ointment for the wounds in his heart and the way Seunghyun kept on inhaling his scent made Jiyong realize that he was not the only one feeling like that.

“Jiyong?”

“Hm?”

 “When we were in Dongwook’s bedroom you where humming a song – I didn’t recognize it, was it a new song you wrote?”

A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips.

“Yes.”

“What’s it about?”

“You.”

Seunghyun took his hand in his own, kissed the tips of his finger and placed it on top of his chest where his heart was located. Jiyong could immediately feel his steady, strong heartbeat against them.

“Would you sing it for me?”

He haltered for a moment – this song was personal. He never had wanted to publish it and it had already been hard to record it with Teddy, but then again this was Seunghyun and this song was for Seunghyun and he had spent so many nights hoping, wishing and praying that this song would reach Seunghyun someday – that it would reach him and that it could help them put themselves together again. That maybe it could be the first step of them getting better again –

But now that he had the chance he suddenly felt shy and insecure and he wasn’t sure if the older man would appreciate it – what if the song was too much? What if him being this emotionally vulnerable would be too much too soon and would scare him off again? What if Seunghyun still didn’t want the same things as he wanted?

“If you don’t feel comfortable or ready to sing it to me, I am willing to wait. Even if it takes ten years, you know.”, Seunghyun looked up at him with his beautiful big eyes and Jiyong felt at ease. Ever since they met all those years ago, Seunghyun had been his save place. The person he went to when things got too much, the person that would get him out of his own head. Up until now, Seunghyun had managed that by tying him up and doing dirty things to him, but this was different.

It was another new facet of their – hopefully – new, blooming relationship.

Maybe he just needed to step out of his comfort zone. Maybe it was time to let go of all the insecurities and just go for it. It would save them a lot of heartache probably and Jiyong had to think of a quote he had just recently seen on Instagram of all places.

‘ _Your comfort zone will kill you_.’

“No, it’s not that. I’m just nervous. I wrote this song when we..drifted apart. I came back to it over and over again; added new verses and a small part of me hoped that this could repair the things that had broken between us. I want you to listen to it, I want you to know what I think, what I feel.”

He carefully let go of the embrace and reached for his phone on the night stand. It was still switched to mute and he ignored the messages he had gotten from Jaesang and Dongwook. Instead, he tapped on the music icon and scrolled through all of the songs he had saved on his phone until he finally found what he was looking for – the instrumental version of the, yet, untitled song he wrote.

With the first soft note of the piano, he began to sing.

_I know that it's difficult and hard_  
_To come back to me_  
 _I know that you're scared_  
 _Of getting hurt again_  
 _Even on the day you left_  
 _I made you cry with my cruel words_  
 _I turned my back on you and I regret it, I'm sorry_

He was nervous, more nervous than he had been the first time he stepped on stage. More nervous than when he auditioned at YG. His heart was hammering against his chest and his hands were trembling so bad he held onto the blanket underneath him.

_Please just once_  
_If I can just see you_  
 _I'm ok with losing everything I have_  
 _I'll meet you, even if it's in a dream_  
 _And we can love again_  
 _Just as we are_

Jiyong had his legs drawn up against his chest and continued to stare at his hands – he knew that his face was red. He could feel the tell-tale sign of blood rushing to them.

_It might be easier to just die_  
_Than to earn your forgiveness_  
 _I sing this song, but I don't know_  
 _If my truthfulness will get through to you_  
 _"I want you to be happy"_  
 _I couldn't even tell that simple lie_  
 _I just pray that you'll come back, I'm sorry_

He didn’t dare to look up at Seunghyun – not yet at least. All the emotions bubbled up inside of him again and it felt like he was plugging on rare nerve ends again. His chest started to feel heavy and tears started to swell up in his eyes. Memories of heartbreak and bitterness flooded back into his mind.

_You think it's over, that it's our last time_  
_But I can't accept those thoughts_  
 _I can't let go cuz' you never know_  
 _My love for you, your love for me_  
 _We'll never find a love the same again_  
 _Nobody knows_  
 _We always know_

Suddenly, he felt warm hands on his own and he started to relax. The broad hands he knew better than anyone else’s started to massage his bruised wrist and swollen knuckles. Not too hard that it started to hurt, but just enough pressure to make him feel better. Hope started to blossom in his chest – Seunghyun wasn’t pulling away; instead, he showed him comfort which he desperately needed in this vulnerable moment. He was baring everything he had to him.

_Right now, this moment is passing_  
_If you can forget everything_  
 _Our memories, the times we were happy_  
 _No, I'll meet you again in the next life_  
 _We'll love each other once again_  
 _Just as we did before_

The last melancholic tunes of the piano faded and the track was done. Jiyong still didn’t have the guts to look up at the other man, but then those warm hands started to wander and Seunghyun placed both of them on his cheeks, cradling his face and tilting his head upwards until he was finally looking at him.

Jiyong had normally no problem with describing things – when he went to see an exhibition a thousand words would come to his mind to describe the paintings and artworks he saw. Bold, vibrant, subtle, flowing, rough, swirling, dramatic, earth-shattering.

But as he finally looked at Seunghyun, he was at a loss of words.

It was as if his mind was blank and all he could feel was the tender feeling in his heart and the tingly feeling in his fingertips. The tears he had tried to hold back where rolling down his cheeks by now and Seunghyun carefully brushed them aside with his thumb. He couldn’t break the loving gaze and he didn’t want to – Jiyong didn’t know how long he was locked in that gaze, how long they simply stared at one another, before Seunghyun carefully moved forward.

Their lips were only millimetres, before Seunghyun stopped. He looked Jiyong deeply into his eyes and let their noses brush against one another and Jiyong didn’t know how to breathe anymore.

“I love you.”

Soft lips touched his own and he felt like flying – Jiyong closed his eyes and immediately wrapped his arms around Seunghyun’s neck, pulling him closer so he could feel the other man’s lips fully on his own. It was almost comical how these few words could flip your whole world upside down just like that. The insecurities that had plagued him ever since they had started this little something melted away – Seunghyun _loved him_. He _loved_ him – and the way his eyes had spoken volumes to him made him forget about the insecurities for now.

Jiyong couldn’t tell how long they kissed, how long they held onto each other like that, but when they finally pulled apart again his lips were swollen and red and his cheeks flushed and his head was in the clouds and Seunghyun was staring at him with so much love and affection that Jiyong started to cry again.

He was exhausted and tired, but happy at the same time. All the tension drained from his shoulders as he started to sob and Seunghyun pulled him against his chest. He was still smiling from ear to ear, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. The older man didn’t seem to mind – it was the opposite. Seunghyun’s eyes had been tearing up as soon as he had started to sing and by the time he was done he had been crying – tears dropping down from his chin, but a dopey smile on his lips and after they had stopped kissing he had started to cry again.

They were both emotional messes, but after everything that had happened this was what they needed. At least a small fracture of what they needed. Jiyong knew that they still had a long way to go, that there was still so much they needed to talk about, to solve, but this was the very first step of them getting better and he would endure it as long as necessary if that meant he could call Seunghyun his.

After a while the tears stopped and their breathing calmed down again.

“Ugh, I feel disgusting. Let me quickly wash my face or something.”

“I think you’re pretty. Especially with such a cute red nose.”

“Oh god Seunghyun. I’m already madly in love with you – you don’t have to try that hard.”, Jiyong couldn’t stop the giggles bubbling up – god, he had it bad for this man.

“But it’s true!”

Seunghyun reached for him again and pulled him backwards until Jiyong was sprawled across his chest again, still giggling like a shy school girl on her very first date and it only got worse when Seunghyun let his fingers wander, tickling him in all the spots that made him squeal.

“Seung-! No, stop – please!”

“Nope, forget that. You’re mine and that means I can annoy you as much as I want and you have to deal with it!”

Jiyong was about to protest, to push Seunghyun aside so he could stop this tickling assault, but then he got flipped over – one of Seunghyun’s hand holding him down while the other one yanked up his shirt. It all happened so fast he had no time to react when Seunghyun started to blow raspberries on his belly and that was it. Jiyong was tossing and turning and screaming at the older man, laughing so hard he cried once again, but he wouldn’t stop – not until Jiyong felt the muscles in his abdomen twitch and even his legs started to shake. He was breathing so hard when Seunghyun finally stopped; all he could do was just lay there and catch his breath.

“You’re the absolute worst boyfriend, I swear.” – His words might have sounded rude, but his voice was so light and sweet and filled with adoration it was anything but. Seunghyun stared down at him – his smile so big and happy and dazzling it could probably turn you blind.

“Do you mean it?”

“What?”

“That I am your boyfriend.”

“If you want to be my boyfriend, then yes please.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us.”

Jiyong bit his lip – was this really happening? Was Choi Seunghyun really talking about being his boyfriend? About being his, and only his, alone?

“Good, because I won’t share you – not anymore. With no one – you’re the only one for me and from now on I am the only one for you, too.”

“You have always been the only one for me, Seunghyun. And you know what?”

Jiyong carefully took his arms out of Seunghyun’s grasp and moved his hands over his stomach, up his chest – until he caressed the side of his neck and pulled his whole body down on his own, pressing him affectively into the mattress.

“What?”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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	12. Act lll: Part l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one turned out longer than expected, but I am actually glad it got this long.  
> I think, everything they needed for now happened in this chapter and I don't   
> want to spoiler too much haha. Writing this chapter was a lot of fun and I really  
> enjoyed it.
> 
> I hope you guys like it, too! It took a lot of energy out of me, but at the same time  
> was really comforting to write, too.
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you think!

** Part lll: Act.l “Heartworm” **

 

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  1. _A relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you though had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smouldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire._



 

* * *

* * *

 

 

When the next morning came, the air between them had changed. They were still wrapped around one another – holding onto each other even as they slept – and Seunghyun could feel each small movement of Jiyong. The way his chest expanded when he inhaled, the way his lips moved when he mumbled in his sleep, the way his semi-hard dick pressed against his thigh.

He couldn’t look away from sleeping Jiyong – normally he was the one that slept in longer than Jiyong, even though both of them were not exactly early risers – so seeing him like that was always something special to Seunghyun. His features were completely slack; no trace of anger, tension or whatever else could be plaguing him. Instead, his mouth was slightly ajar and his cheeks looked so cute and full Seunghyun needed to hold back not to pinch them.

Jiyong had always been a contrast between this and that. He had no qualms when it came to wearing clothing that was originally made for women and he also liked to wear makeup – he even polished his finger and toe nails in different colours. But he also had this sharp edge to him that made him unspeakingly manly, too. He had a narrow waist, but his shoulders were broad and his neck was strong and Seunghyun loved to leave kisses there.

This contrast could also be seen on his face – Jiyong had the cutest, roundest cheeks out there and his eyes were soft his lips were full and kissable; Seunghyun knew that all too well. But now Seunghyun could see the stubbles growing out on his chin and upper lip and it made him smile. Jiyong usually shaved and put at least a little bit of eyeshadow on to make his eyes pop and there was nothing wrong with that – hell, Jiyong looked gorgeous that way and Seunghyun had been seduced more than once with that face alone. But seeing his bare face, no trace of makeup and slight stubbles? That was the most private version of Jiyong and Seunghyun loved seeing him like that.

“Good morning, beautiful.”

Jiyong wrinkled his nose at that when he finally woke up. He blinked away the sleep from his eyes and quickly got up – heat shooting to his cheeks as he realized that he had drooled on the other man.

“Very funny.” With the back of his hand he quickly removed the remaining saliva from his chin and glared at Seunghyun – only, that he looked utterly adorable right now. His hair was standing up in every direction possible, his cheeks were red and puffy and the glare more looked like a pout than anything else.  Seunghyun couldn’t help himself but kiss that cute nose.

“Hyung, no-“, he continued to leave little kisses on the younger man’s face, soft as a butterfly, before he finally pulled away with a big, goofy smile on his lips.

“Okay fine, but only because you asked so sweetly.”

It took them another thirty minutes until they left the bed – first, Seunghyun had tackled Jiyong into the bed again, not wanting to let go of the younger one just yet. Then, Iye had joined them – cuddling up in the small spot between them and purring loudly and the only reason why they did decide to leave their small cocoon of warmth, was because Jiyong’s stomach started to growl rather loudly.

Seunghyun had dragged them to the kitchen – Jiyong cuddling Iye against his chest – and made the younger one sit down and not touch anything until he was done preparing their breakfast. As much as he loved the younger one, he was a complete disaster in the kitchen and he would much rather cook for him than watch him accidentally set the whole apartment complex on fire. Plus, he loved to spoil his boyfriend _._

_Boyfriend_.

It send shivers down his spine and made him smile even broader and he was sure he must have looked ridiculous, but one quick glance at Jiyong and Seunghyun saw the exact same besotted, dopey smile on his lips so he knew he wasn’t alone in this. They ate their breakfast – pancakes with blueberries – in silence, stealing shy glances at one another, while trying to stop Iye from stealing their food. They were sitting face to face, legs intertwined underneath the table with Jiyong letting the tips of his toes dance up and down the length of Seunghyun’s leg.

The atmosphere was light and flirty and it was so good to finally have this, but there was also a tension underneath all of it. There were still so many unspoken things between them, so many incidents and issues they needed to discuss. Wounds to rip open again so they could heal properly.

He knew that Jiyong felt it, too. He felt it in the way Jiyong was still unsure whether or not he was allowed to touch him, hug him freely – he was holding himself back. Seunghyun could also see the insecurities whenever Jiyong thought Seunghyun wasn’t looking at him – he quickly covered it up with a blinding smile, but Seunghyun saw. He saw it and he wouldn’t push it aside – they had spent way too much time with pushing aside their feelings and now was the time they should talk about it. But he really didn’t know how he should start this whole conversation. Should he be the one to start it or should Jiyong?  Was now the right moment or was it too early? They only now decided to start dating, but then again it would be best to talk things out, before they would fall back into their old pattern and end up hurting one another again.

So, talking it out it was.

He just needed to find a way to bring it up. Seunghyun also wanted to make sure that when they started to talk about this that their environment would be calm – the things they were going to discuss were sensitive enough there was no need for something that had nothing to do with them to make it worse.

Jiyong was busy with feeding Iye, when Seunghyun had an idea.

It was probably stupid and a tiny bit childish, but he really didn’t care – besides, he hoped that his boyfriend would like the idea. He was a _kidult_ after all.  One second the king of the music industry, the next second he was running around in freaking SpongeBob Squarepants shorts, slippers and hoodie.

He moved quickly – not wanting to get caught in the act. The first thing he did was to grab some of the chairs from the living room and kitchen area and moved them to Jiyong’s room. On his way, he passed Dami’s room – she wasn’t home and knowing her she probably wasn’t going to be home until later that day, or even night, which was why Seunghyun figured that she wouldn’t mind too much if he borrowed a few of her blankets, pillows, sheets and the fairy lights she had used to decorate the shelves along the windows of her room.

Within a few minutes he had successfully build a blanket fort – just a few last touches like placing all the pillows on the futons he had piled on top of another and adjusting the fairy lights, webbing them from chair to chair so they wouldn’t hang too low and spend just enough light so it would be comfortable. He had already shut the blinds of Jiyong’s room which left it in the dark – the only light sources now were the fairy lights.

Seunghyun heard soft footsteps approaching his fort and when he stuck his head out between the parted sheets he was greeted with a smiling, but slightly confused Jiyong.

“What is all of this?”, he was pleasantly surprised, so much Seunghyun could tell by the smile that spread across his face and the way his cheeks turned scarlet.

“A blanket fort.”

Seunghyun didn’t wait any longer – instead he took Jiyong’s wrist and pulled him inside the fort – there wasn’t much space, but just enough for the two of them sitting across from one another. There would be enough room for them to spread out comfortably later too once the talking was done. They would probably need some alone time then, but Seunghyun didn’t want to think about that now. He needed to concentrate and stick to his plan; otherwise they would never make progress.

Jiyong was still smiling at him with warm, rosy cheeks, soft smile and it made Seunghyun’s heart throb – but Jiyong was in intelligent man and he seemed to know that now was the time that they should talk about everything. His head dropped between his shoulders and he looked down, playing with his own fingers and squirmed where he was sitting. He was insecure, scared and Seunghyun knew these emotions all too well, but he didn’t want Jiyong to be scared that he would leave. Yes, this whole thing was scary – they would have to rip open so many old wounds and talk everything through, to banish all the insecurities that were still fogging their minds, but something he did not want Jiyong to feel was the fear of Seunghyun running away. He was done with that, he was here now and he would fight for this. He would fight for Jiyong and for their relationship.

“So, we are doing this now, huh?”, Jiyong’s voice was hushed and small and if Seunghyun listened closely he could already hear tears in his voice.

He quickly reached over to Jiyong, holding one of his hands in his own and squeezing it softly, showing that he was here with him and that he didn’t have to be scared.

“If you are ready, then yes.”

Jiyong only nodded his head. He closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply, holding his breath and exhaling slowly again, before he tipped his head back again and slowly opened his eyes. Some of the tension had dropped from his shoulders and he was sitting a bit more relaxed now than before.

“Okay, I am ready.”

Seunghyun exhaled the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and made himself a little bit more comfortable. He had also grabbed a few tissues – just to be sure. He was going to cry – he could already tell – and by the way Jiyong looked at him now, he would probably cry, too.

“Okay, where should we start? I have to admit that all of this is a bit overwhelming right now.”

“I know what you mean.”, Jiyong bit his lower lip, trying to figure out where to start or what to say next. “Maybe we should start right from the beginning? That way we could like, I don’t know, go through all of it chronologically and see where we went wrong.”

“Sounds good to me, do you want to start?”

Jiyong only nodded and took another moment to brace himself, before he started to speak.

“When I am being completely honest with you, I don’t even really remember the moment I fell in love with you. I just remember that when I first met you I was jealous of all the attention you got back in middle school, because you knew how to rap, but even back then I felt something pulling me in. That feeling got stronger when we met again, when I started to convince you to join me in YG and I think, maybe, that I really fell for you during that time? I always wanted to be close to you, to spend time with you and all that, but it took me a lot longer than that to really realize what was going on with me. As much as I always supported the LGBT community, for some reason I had a hard time accepting that I was part of it. But then when we started to grow closer, even hooked up the first few times – I think it was when we were promoting our solo album, is that right?”, Seunghyun nodded, “Well, anyway. During that time I had already been pining after you for a long time and it was like a dream come true when you kissed me for the first time.”

Seunghyun still remembered that night all too vividly. They had been out in one of their usual clubs, drinking and having fun. There were so many people around and the music was blasting loud in their ears, but for some reason the girls in their tight, short dresses and with their painted lips, didn’t seem to do it for Seunghyun that night. Instead, he had been clinging to Jiyong’s side and it was so different, yet so familiar and he was the exact amount of drunk not to think too deeply about these things. They had been sitting in one of the booths they and their friends had been occupying all evening long – Jiyong had started to laugh uncontrollably at something Seunghyun had said and had been leaning against his shoulder. The older man had felt his warm breath and the faint smell of alcohol in it and had the sudden urge to lean in and kiss him. Seunghyun had quickly pulled him under the table of their booth – the rest of their friends had been somewhere on the dancefloor minding their own business – and immediately pulled him in for a kiss. Jiyong had stopped moving and maybe even breathing – he couldn’t remember that part too clearly anymore, because all he had been thinking about was how soft those lips were and how good Jiyong smelled – before he leaned in and eagerly threw his arms around his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss and slipping his tongue into Seunghyun’s mouth. He didn’t know how long they had stayed under the table, but when they finally emerged back up again their lips were swollen, their hair a mess and their cheeks flushed.

The older man had to blush and smile sheepishly at that memory.

“Well, back then I thought that maybe – maybe – we could be something more, but I also was so scared of what that meant. I am proud of who I am now and no longer ashamed of who I choose to kiss, but that wasn’t always the case. As much as I wanted you, there was always this nagging voice at the back of my head that told me how wrong all of this was and that I should find a girlfriend and not fall in love with my best friend.”

A sad smile stretched across Jiyong’s lips and Seunghyun felt a painful tug inside his chest. He knew that feeling all too well, he had spent way too much time with beating himself up about the fact that he had fallen for the other man. The first six months after they had started this little something between them were equally the best time of Seunghyun’s life as it was the worst. Whenever they got drunk or just tipsy enough he would be glued to Jiyong’s side, waiting for the younger man to just look at him and they would make out or have sex as soon as they were alone – but the next day they acted as if nothing happened. As if Seunghyun hadn’t been balls-deep inside of Jiyong the night before and as if neither of them hadn’t absolutely loved it.

It was only after those six months or so that Seunghyun had finally figured out that those feelings he had for Jiyong weren’t platonic, that it was not common between platonic friends to hook up more often than not. When he had finally realized that he wanted more of Jiyong than drunken one night stands, that he wanted to be more than a booty call, he went to Jiyong’s room to talk, but instead, found Jiyong in between a girl’s legs – eating her out.

“Was that why you started to sleep around with girls so much that time?”

“Not my proudest moment, but yes. It was the only way I could cope with this at that time. It was stupid and reckless, but I was young and stupid and thought I could fuck the gay out of me if I just tried hard enough.”

Seunghyun let that sink in for a moment – it made sense. In some abstract way. He couldn’t blame Jiyong for being scared; he couldn’t blame him for not being ready to come out of the closet like that – not even to himself. Sexuality was a strange thing that could scare the shit out of you – he knew that all too well.

“If it makes you feel better – after we kissed for the first time and after we had sex, I went through the same thing. I just dealt with it in a different way – you started to hook up with girls, I became a loner that drank too much. Plus I also remember getting depressed and while that was not the trigger, it was part of a whole that made me feel like crap so you don’t have to feel bad about what you did. I think, growing up in Korea made it so much harder for us to accept that part of us. It took me quite some time to learn that there is nothing wrong with me and that it is okay to like men as well, you are not alone in this one, Jiyongie, and I don’t hate you for how you acted.”

Jiyong brushed away the first few tears that had started to roll down his cheeks.

“I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that, thank you.”

Seunghyun leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on the younger’s lips.

“-and I didn’t know how much of a relief it would be that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling with this. It was shit that we had to go through it, no one deserves it, but it’s comforting to know that I was not alone. I thought I was a freak, or that something was wrong with me for beating myself up about this for so long, but we both had our struggles.”

“It just would have been easier if we had talked to each other, then we wouldn’t have to go through all of this on our own.”

“Well, it’s in the past now. There isn’t much we can do about it, but we have each other now. I don’t know about you, but from now on I want us to work things that we struggle with out together.”

Jiyong leaned in and placed a kiss on Seunghyun’s forehead, his lips lingering a few seconds on the other man’s skin, before he pulled away again. The tears had stopped for now and the smile was back on his lips.

“Sounds perfect to me.”

Seunghyun pulled Jiyong against his chest. It was the first small wound they had opened up, cleaned and stitched up again. He just needed a bit time before they moved on to the next topic, the next misunderstanding between them. Jiyong was so warm and soft in his arms and he felt like he was losing himself in their embrace.

“Your heart is beating so fast.”

Seunghyun chuckled bashfully.

“Well, you are close to me and we are talking about our feelings and I always get nervous when you are so close to me.”

“You do?”, he looked at him with disbelief in his eyes and Seunghyun took his hand and placed it on top of his heart. “Does this seem like I am not telling the truth?”

Jiyong caressed the spot where Seunghyun had placed his hand and the disbelief slowly started to ebb away and adoration and love started to replace it. His eyes started to water again as he wordlessly placed Seunghyun’s own hand on his chest.

It made Seunghyun smile – his big hand on Jiyong’s smaller chest. While he wasn’t as muscular as Youngbae or Daesung, he did spend quite some time in the gym – unlike Jiyong, who absolutely hated to work out and always did it kinda half-assed. He never had to work out to stay thin anyways so he didn’t really see the reason behind it why he should work out like a maniac – but he got pulled out of his thoughts when he could feel how fast Jiyong’s heart was beating. At first he wasn’t sure if it was his own heartbeat he felt in his fingertips, but as he concentrated more intensely he realized that Jiyong’s heart was beating just as crazily as his own.

Their eyes met and so did their lips – the kiss wasn’t chaste, but they took their time with one another. Not pushing and pulling at lips or their tongues, but gentle movements caressing the other’s skin. Seunghyun felt the tickle of Jiyong’s breath whenever he inhaled sharply, before pressing their lips together once again.

He couldn’t open his eyes right away after the kiss; instead he buried his head in the crook of Jiyong’s neck and inhaled his scent. God, how could someone smell so good? Jiyong’s natural scent was sweet and reminded him of a warm day in the middle of June – peach tress everywhere and the sun shining down on your skin. He loved it.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Hm?”

Jiyong’s voice was muffled against the side of Seunghyun’s neck, but he understood him perfectly. He started to squirm around a bit, a sign Seunghyun had learned by now, that the younger one was embarrassed by what he was about to say.

“You remember how, after we had sex – including a scene or not – how I would always pull away and not let you hold me?”

Seunghyun swallowed hard. Of course he remembered. It was something that had always hurt him, but he had been too scared to say anything – fearing that he might force the younger one to do something he did not like and that was the last thing on his mind.

“You never staid around after we had sex, let alone let me hold you – you also only came to me when you were either drunk or on the verge of having an emotional breakdown and you needed me to get you out of it with impact play or different things. Which is something else we should also talk about. What we did wasn’t healthy and I only want the best for us, I don’t blame you for how we did it – I was part of it, too, after all – but I hope that we can do this differently in the future.”

Jiyong exhaled soundly.

“I thought that was the only thing I would get from you, when I was sober I was too scared to cross that boundary with you – because I feared that you would hate me for it, that I would appear to be too clingy. The thing is, I love affection. I love to cuddle after sex, I love to be close to the person I love, I love spending as much time with you as possible – but I also know that you need time for yourself. You are introverted and value your alone time. I might be an extrovert when I am G Dragon, but I know all too well how it feels when you just want to be alone in your room, locked away from everyone and everything. That’s why I didn’t want to appear to clingy – I tried to hold myself back and only take as little as possible so I wouldn’t get too used to you and your affection, but it broke me apart on the inside.”, Seunghyun could feel hot tears on his neck and immediately his own tears started to fall. He pulled Jiyong closer against his chest and waited for him to finish, before he said anything in return.

Seunghyun tried to blink away the tears, but it was useless. Fresh tears immediately started to roll down his cheeks again.

“I could never hate you, Jiyong. I might get pissed some times, but I could never hate you.”, he took a moment to collect his thoughts.

“While it is true that I really need my alone time, away from the spotlight and all that, there is something I need to explain to you – I don’t know if you have ever experienced it like that as well, but as an introvert there are two types of people. There are the types of people that you like and you can spend some limited time with them, but then you have to pull back again, because they are _draining_. You love them, but after some time you really need to go back and recharge your batteries.

“As much as I love Seungri, you know I would go through hell and back to protect that kid, he is one of those draining people. I enjoy the time I spend with him but after a couple of hours I hug him, ruffle up his hair a bit to piss him off and go home – that doesn’t mean I don’t love him, the kid is like the little brother I never had, it’s just that I can’t be around him all the time, because if I would I would probably stab him in the foot with a screwdriver or something.”

Jiyong had to snort at that.

“I once threw a shoe at him.”

“Yeah, he told me that.”

“He did?”, Jiyong started to cackle, “Wow, what a snitch.”

Their chuckles died down again.

“-and what about the other type of people?”

Seunghyun let his hand glide through Jiyong’s soft hair.

“To be honest, there aren’t many people that fall into that category. Actually I think you are the only one I want around all the time, because you are the only one I can be alone with. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when you are a bit much, but I know I am like that too – you can’t be around someone all the time without feeling at least a little bit annoyed, especially since I love to annoy the shit out of you-“, he earned a playful slap against his chest for that, “-but even when there are times when we need space from one another – I want us to talk about it, because I don’t want to see that fear in your eyes anymore whenever I go somewhere that I might not come back to you. I will always come back to you no matter what – even if I need a little bit time on my own. In the end, you are the only one who I want to grow old with and who I want to wake up next to every morning.”

He felt Jiyong lose their tight embrace, the hand on his chest slowly pushing Seunghyun backwards until he could look him in the face. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and his eyes were red from all the crying they had done during the past few days and right now the tears just didn’t stop – but they were tears of joy, Seunghyun could see that now.

“I love you so much, you know?”

“I love you, too.”

They were still holding hands.

A few moments passed between them, before Seunghyun started to speak again.

“I know I am not always the easiest person, I tend to pull away and shut myself off from everyone and anything, but I am working on that and especially I work on not shutting you out. Until now, I have never really spoken about the things that concerned me or hurt me and it’s not easy, but I am slowly getting there. Obviously, I can’t force you to do that, too, but I think you should know that you have these tendencies as well.”, Seunghyun nervously played with Jiyong’s hand in his own. “The thing is, when you work, you get so emerged in it that you completely forget about anything else. While I admire that ability of yours and am grateful for you putting so much love into your work, it also leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. Your ability to fully concentrate on work is what got us so far in the first place, but it feels like someone is ripping out my heart whenever you get like that. One second you are all around me, spending time with me, laughing and looking at me as if I was some kind of god or whatever – and the next I don’t hear from you for days. I know how stressful it can be, I know that, but now that we are in a relationship I think we should still find the time to at least talk to one another even if our schedules are terrible. Something that I have seen happen to you over the years is that you will work until you collapse and then you will work even more and it kills me to see you like that. You would be in your studio for a week and only come out when you hit rock bottom and need me to tie you down and, I don’t know, spank the stress out of you. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that we are also compatible that way, but I don’t think that that is healthy.”

Seunghyun rubbed his hand over his face – his eyes were burning and he felt drained from talking about all of this – it was more challenging than he first anticipated.

“God, I’m sorry. There are just so many things I want to talk about with you and I just throw them all together right now. I don’t want to make you feel guilty for anything you do – you do amazing work, Jiyong, and I am so proud of you. I always will stand behind you and cheer for you – is it selfish of me to ask you to take a step back?”

“No, it’s not.”, Jiyong’s thumbs massaged his temples, trying to sooth him at least a little bit, “I am the same when it comes to you. Whenever you are away for a movie, I get so lonely and while I am so proud and happy that you can do what you love, I also miss you so terribly that I sometimes wish you would put me first instead of work. I think we are actually pretty similar when it comes to that – I just never though that you would care this much whenever I lock myself in my studio.”

“Perks of me loving you are me worrying about your pretty, little head all the time and wanting to care for you, Jiyong. I know you are and adult and that you make your own decisions, I don’t want to be that kind of boyfriend that holds you back from doing the things you love just for my sake, but sometimes I get jealous of other people getting your attention.”

They were quiet again for a moment – Jiyong carefully moved until he was sitting sideways in Seunghyun’s lap, their foreheads touching.

“They might have my attention for a short while, but you are the only one who can constantly hold my attention, Seunghyun. I think we will just have to see how things are when situations like that occur in the future – that if one of us strays too much that we don’t immediately think of the worst, but instead try to actually talk to one another. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think we can do it.”

Seunghyun put his arms around Jiyong’s waist, letting his fingers slip underneath his shirt and started to caress the soft skin underneath.

“Okay.”

“Pinky promise?”

 “Pinky promise.”

Seunghyun started to chuckle when they intertwined their pinkies and bumped the tips of their thumbs together – how long had they been doing this? He couldn’t remember – it was a habit from when they were young and he thought it was utterly adorable that the younger one picked up that specific habit again in this moment.

God, his boyfriend was such a child sometimes and he loved him so much because of that. Jiyong was as much of a little kid as he was and their childishness had been the source of so many happy and delightful moments between them – he didn’t want to miss that aspect of them.

Jiyong let his hands drop from Seunghyun’s face and placed them around his neck instead, playing with the short hair at the back of his head – his voice was low and hushed.

“About the thing you said earlier; the reason why I came to you when I was that low was because I trust you, blindly. I still do, Seunghyun. There is no one else that can get me out of my own head when I am that low and while I agree with you that we should do things differently, I hope that we can still have that aspect in our relationship – if you are comfortable with that it is. It’s just; I love that side of you. Normally, in your everyday life, you are really sweet and gentle to me and whenever you look at me it makes me all weak in the knees and sends butterflies through my whole body and I love that so much – but there is also this other side to you, the one where you can’t hold back and just push me around. I’m not gonna lie, you are incredibly hot then – you get that look on your face, the one that tells me that I am the only one you think about and that you just want to pin me down and do dirty things to me-“, Seunghyun inhaled sharply as all the memories of their shared nights came crashing down, “- and I think you really like it, too when I am on my knees begging for your cock.”

Jiyong grinned down at him.

“You tease. Of course I do and I really want to keep doing that, too. I think we just need to talk about this stuff more, before we actually do it.”, Seunghyun felt a shift in the air between them – maybe a little break from all this serious talking would do them good? He let his fingers dance across the sides of Jiyong’s ribcage, before he dipped them into his flesh, affectively tickling him again – this would never grow old. Especially when he saw the change in Jiyong’s face – first, the smirk had grown wider. He had apparently thought that Seunghyun had something different in mind, when he let his warm hands wander across his body, but then it quickly changed to shock and something else. Jiyong had always hated it when Seunghyun had tickled him like that, but there was no way Seunghyun would stop. He loved the way Jiyong laughed, the way he threw his head back and the way his gums showed whenever he started to laugh really hard. He loved how Jiyong would try to wiggle away from Seunghyun’s torturous hands, but give up after a short amount of time, only to start begging for mercy, while tears spilled from his eyes because he was laughing so hard.

Much like right now – Jiyong had wiggled out of Seunghyun’s lap, trying to crawl away as fast as he could, but Seunghyun was faster and a little bit stronger. He had quickly thrown the younger one on his back, pinning his hands down so he wouldn’t be able to run away again and grinned down on him.

“Please don’t tell me this will happen on a regular basis, I don’t think I can take that, Hyung.”, Jiyong was breathless from laughing so hard and his cheeks were flushed and Seunghyun new that if he would continue, the younger one would end up kicking him in the rips.

He chuckled and slowly let go of Jiyong’s hands, only to place a small kiss on his nose and hoist the both of them up. “Only when you are being a little shit, and we both know how much you love to act like one.”, he winked at Jiyong, who pouted in return.

“Not fair, Hyung.”

Seunghyun laughed again.

“Come on, let’s take a break from talking. How does food and a movie sound to you?”

The pout immediately disappeared and was replaced with a cheeky smile.

“Only if you are the one cooking the food and I get to watch you cook.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

In the end, Seunghyun did cook for the both of them, but it took a lot longer than necessary, because after he had started to prepare the food, Jiyong had immediately walked up to him and hugged him from behind – watching his every move with the excuse that he wanted to learn how to cook, but Seunghyun knew that was a lie. Especially because when he offered Jiyong to actually show him how to do things, he refused and held onto Seunghyun even more.

He did, however, manage to convince Jiyong to chop the vegetables and the rest of the ingredients – as much as he loved cooking, he hating chopping things. Jiyong on the other hand loved it. Seemed like a good compromise to him.

When lunch, or more like dinner – the sun was already setting again – was finally done they settled down on the couch, cuddled up under a blanket and each of them holding a bowl of the stew they had made. Iye, being the sneaky cat he was, tried to steal their food on several occasions, until he seemingly gave up and walked away – only to make his way into the kitchen and simply eat the prepared food straight out of the pot. Jiyong was so fast onto him, Seunghyun couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the cat’s shocked face as he got scooted up and carried into another room, while longingly meowing at the food that seemed to move further and further away from him.

When Jiyong came back, he quickly put the rest of the food into the fridge – he had to be fast, because Iye had learned how to open doors and not even five seconds after the fridge door was closed the little devil was already clawing his way up Jiyong’s legs and sat on his shoulder – meowing loudly and demanding food.

Jiyong gave up trying to calm the annoying feline down and instead gave him his dinner a little bit earlier than usually and put one or two extra treats into the bowl as well so he wouldn’t annoy them while they were watching a movie. Seunghyun had watched the whole scene in front of him with a warm smile on his lips – this felt awfully domestic and he loved it. His smile got even bigger when Jiyong crawled into the spot next to him, pressed a few buttons on the remote and picked a movie for them to watch. The film that started looked a lot like _The Big Lebowski_ , but Seunghyun was too occupied with cuddling Jiyong and trying not to get Iye’s claws in his eyes that he ended up not seeing much of the movie.

Afterwards, they put away the dirty dishes, cleaned up the kitchen a little bit and crawled back into the blanket fort. They ended up in the same position as before – sitting across from another and playfully holding onto each other’s hands.

“You ready?”

“Yes.”

This time around, there wasn’t as much fear in Jiyong’s eyes as the last time. It made him feel more at ease, but there was still tension between them – this was hard after all and talking about all of this took their toll on the both of them. Seunghyun promised himself that once they were done with this, they would take their time to reconnect, to simply spend time with one another and have fun. Maybe they should take a vacation?

He pushed that thought away – now was not the time for that, he could still think of romantic gestures after they had managed to overcome this and he felt that they were close to it.

“Okay, uhm. I hoped we could also talk about the things that happened in Paris and what went wrong after that, too. I mean, we had this thing going on between us for so long, but it never escalated like this. I don’t want it to get as bad as it had been after we came back from Paris ever again.”

“Neither do I.”

Jiyong pulled back a little and started to play with the hem of his shirt. He opened his mouth, closed it again, opened it and closed it again, before he finally started to speak up.

“Okay, so the thing about Paris is that – I saw it as a last resort, more or less. At that time you and Kyungil-”, he looked at Seunghyun carefully when mentioning that name, but Seunghyun only signalled him to say what he had on mind, not really caring about Kyungil right now – that was something completely different and had no room right now. He could still open that can of worms when he was ready for it and now was not the time. “-started to spend a lot of time with each other and I got jealous, as usual and I kinda made a decision back then. If I couldn’t have you fully, I would let you go – but I just wanted to have one more memory with you, just with you, before I really tried to let go. I thought that if I couldn’t have you I at least wanted to pretend for some time that you were mine and Paris was the ideal location for that so I made sure that we were sharing a room and that we had enough time for ourselves, too. I wanted to make the most of it so that even if someone took you away from me, that they wouldn’t be able to take away the memories I have of you and me.

“But then, when we arrived in Paris you were so different from what I had expected. The truth is I had just expected us to act like we had always acted – have fun, get drunk and eventually stumble into bed, but then you planned that dinner with our friends and you introduced me to Matt and Donnie and even paid for my dinner and I know it’s stupid to get that happy about it, but I thought it was really sweet, because no one ever pays for anything – they all expect me to pay for it, because I have a lot of money – and then on our way back we started to hold hands like an ordinary couple. Not some superstars, but just two ordinary people walking down the streets of Paris and I just couldn’t help myself but kiss you and I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to move on from you, because you were so sweet and didn’t hold back either and we could just do what we wanted and I didn’t think it was possible, but I fell even more in love with you then I already was.

“There is so much more though, I don’t want to only talk about the bad things that have gone wrong between us, Hyung. I want you to see how happy you made me and that I have never felt so full with love as I have then – for example, when we woke up on the second day – together in bed – it was like a dream come true. Before, I didn’t let myself enjoy this closeness, but that time I said fuck it all and waking up to you is the most beautiful thing ever – you snore terribly and I could smother you with a pillow during the night, but seriously? Having your arms around me while I sleep makes up for it. Remember that time we stood on that bridge and you held me and wrapped me into your coat? I was so close to confessing to you – I had to bite my tongue not to do it. The second time was when you let me touch you that one morning. This probably makes me sound like a pervert but god, do you have any idea what that did to me and meant to me? You were always so out of reach for me, the one person I wanted so desperately, but couldn’t have and then you let me touch you like that – _you!_ I hoped so much that it would mean the same thing to you as it did to me, or when we _made love_ that night.”

Jiyong’s cheeks were flushed in a deep red by now and it seemed to only get more intense and spread down his neck when he used the words “ _made love_ ”.

“That evening you cooked for me, took me to see _Amélie_ and when we walked home we walked past that beautiful park and then we chased each other home and we danced and you were so gentle and loving and I never felt this good before. Relationships are hard work, I get that now, but I don’t want you to only think about the bad things that have happened between us. I also want you to remember the good moments, the ones were you made me feel like as if I was flying and-“, Jiyong suddenly stopped talking and curled himself up, hugging a pillow to his chest.

“I’m sorry that was not what we have to talk about.”, his cheeks were still burning and Seunghyun felt his own cheeks redden. There were butterflies in his stomach and he suddenly felt so warm and his cheeks hurt from all the smiling he did today.

“When we were in Paris-“, Jiyong was still hiding behind the pillow, “- and I took you out to see the movie and cook for you and danced with you, I hoped so badly for it to be real. Whenever I held you, I was begging to any god out there that you would feel the same.” Jiyong finally looked up from behind the pillow and it sent another wave of warmth through Seunghyun when he saw how Jiyong was shyly biting his lower lip while he listened to what he had to say.

“God, we were so stupid.”

“That’s true.”, Seunghyun bit his lip. The next thing he was going to ask was something he was afraid of talking about. More than the other things they had discussed so far.

“But when you already felt like confessing to me during our trip to Paris, then why did you meet up with Nana shortly afterwards? The two of you seemed awfully cosy; at least it looked like that on the pictures you posted on Instagram a few weeks after Paris.”

Jiyong’s whole frame dropped.

“You think Nana and I hooked up?”

“Yes.”

“You idiot.”

Seunghyun bit his lip – if they hadn’t hooked up then what the hell was the purpose of all the pictures? Had he missed something? The other man in front of him was struggling again, obviously trying to find the best way to put in words what he was trying to say and it put Seunghyun on edge.

“Okay, I think I have to explain to you the whole thing about me and Nana. You know we met a few years ago at that photoshoot – back then I was sure I liked both, men and women. I don’t know – it never bothered me that I liked men after I accepted the fact that I liked you, but some part of me was still scared – what if I only liked men? Growing up in Korea-“, he paused for a moment, twisting his fingers and cracking his knuckles to relieve some of the tension,” -you know what it’s like for someone who is gay. I think even though I do like men, a small part of me still had internalized homophobia. Not against other queer people, but against myself – if that makes sense.

“That’s why I hooked up with so many girls, but never guys. You are the only man I ever slept with and during that time, when I met Nana, I was going through a hard time again. I more and more started to see that I didn’t like women that way – that sex with women more felt like a core than something pleasurable and when Nana and I tried to hook up I ended up having a breakdown and we didn’t go through with it at all. I ended up spilling everything to her – I told her about my struggles, about my feelings for you, about the thing we had going on for so long and she just – she just listened. She never judged me for anything. She’s really open minded like that and in the end she was the one that helped me gain the courage I needed to get rid of that internalized homophobia.

“We came to the conclusion that we could use our friendship as kind of a marketing gag – she would get the publicity she needed and I would get a fake girlfriend so the media and public would leave me alone. We stayed in contact for some time and made sure that we would get ‘caught’ together, but we didn’t meet up as often duo to our busy schedules and all that. When I planned Paris, I talked to her about it, too – she actually urged me to confess to you, but I chickened out even though I got close to do it a couple of times as you know. When we flew back she wanted to hear everything and I promised her we would meet up again soon.”

Seunghyun had felt a wave of panic roll through him the whole time Jiyong had spoken. For so long he had seen Nana as one of Jiyong’s sex friends, someone he spent time with to get off, but now he tried to wrap his head around the whole thing that Nana was a friend – just a friend who had been there for him in difficult times, when Seunghyun wasn’t there for him.

But now he felt like someone had lifted the weights that had pulled him down for so long – but there were still some things that didn’t feel right just yet.

“I have a few questions about all this though. The first thing is, a week or so after we came back and I finally finished shooting for the movie I saw all the pictures you and her uploaded on your Instagram and they looked a lot like you were more than just friends and to be honest, it made me so sick I didn’t leave the bed for a few days.”

Jiyong stared down on his feet, back hunched and shoulders tensed – he was embarrassed, but what for?

“I wanted to make you jealous to be honest, you had been ignoring me and a part of me didn’t want to believe that you didn’t have feelings for me as well and I realize that it was childish of me, but at that moment – when you didn’t answer any of my messages – I thought you ignored me and I kinda wanted to show you that I could have fun without you, too? It was a stupid knee-jerk reaction and I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t know you had to go back to shooting, I thought that had wrapped even before we left – but that is no excuse I know and I am so sorry for that.”

Seunghyun groaned inwardly. It pissed him off that Jiyong had played him like that, but exploding in his face right now wouldn’t make it better either. He was sick of screaming at Jiyong, of them fighting – if he really wanted them to evolve into something more, something stronger then he would have to be able to let go of the sudden wave of rage he had felt right now. He breathed in and out – counting slowly to ten and to his surprise that really helped.

“I hope you know that if we are dating for real now, you can’t pull shit like that just to get to me. I think I know from where you are coming from and the whole thing was messed up and the circumstances were different and all that, but please don’t ever do that again. I’ve been so jealous of anyone during the past years that I can’t stand any more of that.”

Jiyong carefully looked at Seunghyun – his cheeks were still red and his eyes had watered, but he sighed in relief when Seunghyun finally looked at him again.

“I promise, Hyung.”

He carefully reached for Seunghyun’s again and Seunghyun let him.

“Do you have more questions?”

“Yes, I do. You said that you are not attracted to women, then why – when I looked for you a bit after I came back from shooting – did I find you with two girls in one of the VIP rooms? I had talked to Seungri that day and he told me something similar, yet you didn’t seem too faced when they were going down on you.”

“I have to say that that is yet another moment I am not proud of in my life. When I came back from Japan, you and Kyungil were going out constantly to pick up women – I’m not blind, I knew you did and I am not mad. Not anymore, you thought Nana and I were a thing. I think we were both trying the same thing – getting over each other by fucking and drinking and god knows what.

“That day, I had hit rock bottom. I had cried for hours and hours and I was a complete mess and I ended up doing coke – and one of the side effects of it is that you get extremely horny to the point that you don’t care who you have sex with. I was so high and out of it I didn’t even really realize what was going on until it was done and I immediately went home afterwards and felt even more like crap. I only did coke two times – the second time was after I caught you and Kyungil. If I had known what he had done I would have reacted differently, but I thought that I had lost you for good – to Kyungil of all people. I had always been jealous of the friendship you two had and it made everything so much worse. I ended up in another club, another high and then you showed up and I wanted to show you I was fine without you, I wanted to rub it in your face and then you went off with that girl and I just- I followed you and dragged the girl who had been with me that moment and the next thing I see is you getting naked. I didn’t even look at the girl once while we were at it, all my attention was on you and I was so torn between the things I had seen and you showing up that I just really didn’t know how to react so I did the only thing I could do when you cornered me – I ran.”

Seunghyun felt his head getting heavy and a dull pain started to throb at the back of his head. He looked up, meeting Jiyong’s gaze and was met with that look again – the one that had fear in it and Seunghyun immediately felt bad. They were both hurting right now and he felt like he had a lump in his throat – they had both acted like complete assholes, he was not the only one who had been hurt and he needed to remember that. This was not about him alone, this was about him and Jiyong, about the both of them getting better and moving on from the pain they had caused each other.

“Come here.”, he opened his arms and motioned Jiyong to hug him, but the younger one suddenly seemed scared. Shit. Seunghyun released a shaky breath – had this been too much? Maybe they shouldn’t have talked about so much in just one day. His fingers started to shake and panic rose up his chest and his eyes started to fill themselves with tears again.

But before he could drop into a full blown breakdown he felt Jiyong lunge himself into the embrace – his arms locked tightly around the other his neck and Jiyong had moved so quickly they both fell backwards. Jiyong was clinging onto him – his face buried in his chest and his shoulders were shaking as he sobbed into Seunghyun’s shirt. This time, he didn’t hold back – he let go and let himself truly feel all the emotions he had tried to lock away for so long and just held Jiyong while they were both desperately holding onto each other.

It hurt, it hurt so much, yet it was indescribable liberating – they both whispered broken “’ _I love you’_ s” over and over again, hiccupping and sobbing while saying “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”, followed by even more “’ _I love you’_ s”.

Seunghyun lost all sense of time during that moment between them – all he knew was that eventually, the sobs had died down and that their tears had dried. Jiyong was still laying on his chest as he blindly reached for the box of tissues and offered them to him. They both looked like absolute hell – bloodshot, swollen eyes, runny, red nose and teartracks on their cheeks. Jiyong thankfully took some tissues, blew his nose and tried to clean up a little bit and Seunghyun did the same. They held onto each other for a little bit more after that, not ready to leave that moment behind just yet.

They both just lay there, trying to digest all the things they had talked about all day long, when they heard soft purring. Iye had sneaked his way into the fort and lay down next to Seunghyun’s head and Jiyong chuckled lowly. His voice was raspy from all the crying.

“He likes you.”

“He does?”

Seunghyun felt the cat snuggle his head against his own and had to grin.

“Yes, otherwise he wouldn’t cuddle up to you like that – believe me.”

Jiyong suddenly sat up – carefully, not to disturb Iye and crawled out of the fort.

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t you dare to move, I will be right back.”

Seunghyun let his head fall back onto the pillows and Iye started to lick his cheek, causing him to laugh again – this cat was ridiculous. One second, you would get clawed at for so much as only looking at his direction, the next he would cuddle up next to you like that. Fierce, like his owner.

Jiyong came back into the fort with his phone in his hand, quickly cuddled up to Seunghyun again and started to snap a few selfies of the three of them. Seunghyun looked a little bit dumbstrucked and flustered on the first few pictures, but quickly relaxed and started to pull faces which made Jiyong laugh again and it was as if whatever had lodged inside his heart was finally freed and he felt happiness spread in his chest. He leaned over and started to leave little kisses on Jiyong’s nose, cheek, neck, everywhere he could reach – no longer looking at the camera and only caring for the bright, happy laughter of his boyfriend that started to fill the room again.

The younger one suddenly pulled him in, pressing their lips against together – his tongue gliding over his upper lip, before pulling away again and sucking his lower lip between his own. Seunghyun immediately leaned into the kiss and pulled him closer – he would never be able to get tired of Jiyong’s kisses. Each time, they stole his breath away and made him feel dizzy. He didn’t know if Jiyong was still taking pictures or not, but he didn’t really care at the moment.

All that mattered was that he finally had Jiyong for himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	13. Act lll: Part ll

** Act lll: Part ll: “Estatic Shock” **

 

n _. the surge of energy upon catching a glance from someone you like – a thrill that starts in your stomach, arcs up through your lungs and flashes into a spontaneous smile – which scrambles your undergrounded circuits and tempts you to chase that feeling with a kite and a key._

 

 

“Dear god, please make it stop.”, Seunghyun had just been dreaming about something that awfully reminded him of Jiyong – probably naked – and inviting smile and a handful of other things, when suddenly, he got yanked out of the wonderland that was his dream.

The loud, annoying ringtone Jiyong had set as his alarm was blaring through the bedroom and had woken him up, causing him nearly to suffer from a heart attack. Jiyong had pushed his head under the pillows, while one arm was flung over Seunghyun’s side – pulling them skin to skin. Seunghyun could feel the other’s warm breath on his neck and when he felt slight movement behind him he hoped that Jiyong would move to turn off the phone – but instead, he buried his head even deeper under the pillows and even had the nerve to hook his leg across Seunghyun’s hip as well, making it impossible for him to move.

 

“Jiyong, could you please turn off that alarm? I’m kinda getting deaf here.”

 

He heard a humourless chuckle from behind as Jiyong let go of him, shut off the alarm and snuggled up  to his back once again, not showing any signs of getting up anytime soon. Seunghyun carefully turned around – not wanting to accidentally kick his boyfriend or something – and within seconds he got pushed on his back with Jiyong star-fishing across his chest, pressing his face against his neck and inhaling deeply.

He grinned.

 

“Good morning, my love.” Jiyong’s head suddenly shot up and he was looking at the older man, practically beaming with joy.

 

“My love? Really?”

 

“What, don’t you like it?”

 

“No, no! I love it – say it again.”

 

“My love.” Jiyong’s nose wrinkled in the most adorable way possible as his smile got so big that Seunghyun could see his gums – his eyes were sparkling and he was moving his legs, almost as if he was so happy that he couldn’t contain his excitement.

 

“Well, if you call me _‘my love’_ I will have to find a nickname for you, too. How about _honey bear_?”

 

“No!” – God, was he serious? A surprised laugh bubbled up his throat.

 

“ _Sweetcheeks_?”

 

“Jiyong..”

 

“Okay, okay!”, the younger one moved on top of him – pushing himself up until he was sitting in Seunghyun’s lap, looking down on him and drawing little circles onto his stomach while he thought about something.

 

“I know this is probably pretty cliché, but what about _Baby_?”

 

A wave of warmth and butterflies spread through his stomach, up his throat and right to his cheeks.

 

“I could get used to that.”, he looked up at his boyfriend, a tender smile on his lips.

 

“Who would have thought that the big, bad T.O.P would love to get called _Baby_?”

 

Seunghyun was about to throw a sarcastic comment back at the younger one, but couldn’t help but feel completely infatuated. After all this time, this man, this ridiculous man, was still able to as much as glance at him and he would be a puddle on the floor so he simply grinned at him, sat up and started to kiss him senseless. They melted against one another, tongues slipping between lips and pleased sighs leaving their mouths whenever they would suck or bite at each other’s lips and tongues.

Sadly, their moment had to end, when Jiyong’s alarm went off for a second time that morning and he unwillingly let go of Seunghyun, climbed out of his bed and silenced the alarm.

 

“I really hate to say this, but I have to go to the studio today – I promised Hanbin and Bobby a while ago that I would listen to some of the songs they have written for their solo and you know how persistent they can be, especially Hanbin, but if you want you can also come along?”

 

“As much as I would love to be locked in the same room as you, Bobby and Hanbin, who is as much of a perfectionist as you are by now, I think I should go home and change into some of my own clothes again.” Seunghyun had been here for only more or less two days, but he knew that avoiding going home wouldn’t help him in the long run. Though, he didn’t want to fall asleep without Jiyong in his arms and by the way Jiyong’s shoulders had dropped when he mentioned going home he guessed the younger one didn’t want that either.

 

“If you feel up for it though, you could come over later when you are done? I just have to call some of my colleagues or our director if they know anything about the release yet, but other than that I am free this evening.”

 

 “Sure, would love to.”

 

 

   As soon as Jiyong stepped into the studio he was swamped with work – Bobby and Hanbin hadn’t been lying when they had said that they had prepared a lot for their solo and as proud as he felt, it was a lot of work to get through all of the songs and start working out the kinks. There was so much to do – at first, they had to choose a couple of songs they would start working with, which was hard enough and already took a couple of hours. Then, they started to go through the lyrics and look up whatever Teddy and the other producer of YG had prepared for the beats. When the three of them sat together in the studio, Jiyong took a moment to just lean back and take in the atmosphere. It reminded him a lot of how things were when Seunghyun and he had started to work on their solo, just with less sexual tension. Though, when he took a closer look at Hanbin, he wasn’t too sure anymore. He quickly shook his head – whatever, that was their story and he certainly wouldn’t mess with whatever affection Hanbin harboured for Bobby or vice versa, he had enough on his plate of that for the meantime.

 

The hours went by so fast and dragged on at the same time if that made any sense. He was still too wrapped up in the events of the last two days to fully concentrate on work – it was almost as if his mind was set on Seunghyun and only Seunghyun and it almost made him feel bad that he couldn’t give the two boys his whole attention, but then again it was their album and he only promised to help out a bit here and there and not work out the whole thing.

 

It was sometime in the afternoon when the two boys decided it was time for a break and grab some coffee and Jiyong finally had some time to breathe. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes – his mind wandering back to Seunghyun, as usual. Jiyong couldn’t really describe how to feel right now – he was so utterly relieved that he and Seunghyun had finally managed to talk things out, to face all their problems finally, but he still couldn’t help but feel a bit – insecure? That wasn’t the right word, but there was still this nagging feeling inside of him. Maybe he just needed a bit of time to fully understand everything they had talked about and just let it truly settle in – but then again there was still so much he wanted to say, to tell Seunghyun, to explain, to ask.

 

But he feared that coming on too strong would break them again and he really didn’t want that. He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and sighed. Why were relationships so much work, why couldn’t it be easy? He just wanted to enjoy his time with Seunghyun like they always had, but now he was plagued with so many insecurities and thoughts that he didn’t know how to deal with them or if he should just let them rest for now and maybe discuss them at another point – but he couldn’t just ignore them either. Maybe they should just take it slow?

 

He stopped his movements for a second. Maybe this could work? As much as he wanted to jump head first into this relationship with Seunghyun and just stay glued to his side for as long as possible he knew deep down that that could be the wrong way to approach things. Seunghyun loved him and he loved Seunghyun and after the talk they had, after seeing Seunghyun cry like that he knew that they were both in for the long run. He should have more trust in Seunghyun than that, especially since he spent the last few weeks chasing him and trying to make things right between them again. Jiyong took a deep breath, counted to ten and exhaled again. He repeated that for a couple of times until he felt his head clear from everything – it wasn’t meditating per se, but it still helped him regain some control over his mind and that was what he needed right now.

 

When he opened his eyes again and looked around the studio his eyes fell onto his phone – he hadn’t really looked it at for the past hours. He quickly typed in his code and sulked when he saw that he didn’t have any new messages from Seunghyun – until it clicked. Damnit, he still had him blocked on Line – no wonder he hadn’t gotten any message from him. He quickly opened the app, tapped away for a few seconds and closed it again. There. Seunghyun was no longer blocked – but would he write? He knew he was being stupid, they had just seen each other this morning and Seunghyun had invited him to come over later that day, but he still wondered. The older man had a tendency to forget about interacting with people for a longer period of time more often than not –

 

Jiyong couldn’t finish that thought as his phone suddenly went berserker. Messages over messages got send and for a second he thought about the possibility of someone having hacked one of his SNS accounts or whatever, but then he picked up his phone again and realized that the notifications he was receiving were all from Seunghyun. All the messages he had sent during the time Jiyong had blocked him and it suddenly felt like something was hitting him hard in the stomach. Why had he been so fucking stupid and block him in the first place? Why didn’t he unblock him sooner?  

 

He swallowed thickly as he scrolled all the way up to the first message.

It was on the day they had the fight at Seunghyun’s place. The day he got into the car accident. Did he really want to read that message? He put his phone down for a moment – this wasn’t going to be easy for him probably and he really didn’t want to have a breakdown while Bobby and Hanbin came into the room. It wasn’t hard to find the both of them – they were still drinking coffee in the cafeteria and after five minutes of Jiyong promising that he would make time for them within the next few days or week, he was back in his studio with a locked door and his phone in his trembling hands. He sat down on the huge Murakami pillow in the middle of the room and unlocked it.

 

[01:23]

 

_Jiyong, please. I’m so sorry for what I said, please come back._

 

[01:23]

 

_Please._

 

[01:23]

 

_I need you._

 

[01:24]

 

_I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those words, as soon as I said them I regretted them, but you were already out of the door and I was too slow to stop you._

 

[01:46]

 

_I can’t stop crying, please get home save and write me – just let me know you got home save._

 

[01:58]

 

_Jiyong?_

 

[02:16]

 

_Please, even if you hate me – just tell me you got home save. It’s pouring outside and I’m scared something happened to you. You drove off so fast, please._

 

[02:26]

 

_That’s it, I’m coming over to your place right now if you like it or not. I just need to make sure you are save and then I will leave again._  

 

[06:16]

 

_I don’t think you have your phone with you right now, but I have been here ever since we brought you to the hospital and I don’t know what else to do so I really need to keep myself occupied otherwise I will go mad for sure. God, Jiyong. Please, just wake up and be fine. The doctors said that you will wake up for sure, but fuck; I’m so fucking scared right now. Please, don’t do something as reckless as this ever again, okay? Please._

 

[06:19]

 

_I can’t stop crying, this is all my fault. If I wouldn’t have been such a huge asshole you wouldn’t be lying in a fucking hospital bed right now. I should have just told you how madly in love I am with you, I should have just told you for fuck’s sake. I feel so stupid and I am so incredibly sorry for hurting you the way I did. It was always something I sucked at – opening my damn mouth when it would have been necessary; instead I crack stupid jokes when no one needs them._

 

[06:22]

 

_Dami has been running in circles and all I can do is sit here and stare at the floor. There are so many things going through my head right now but all I can think of is ‘please, just wake up’ – if not for me, do it for your sister, your parents, the rest of BigBang. I’m probably number one on your shit list right now, but please Jiyongie, just wake up. I can’t lose you. I just can’t._

 

[06:59]

 

_I fell asleep on one of the benches and your parents are here now – they didn’t hear their phone, you know how terrible reception can be when they stay at the pension. Your mom looks worried sick and your dad has just been staring at the floor, I think I have never seen him that serious before._

 

[07:34]

 

_God, you just woke up – I can’t tell you how fucking relieved I am. I just started to cry and I still haven’t stopped. You are awake. You are awake and fine. Fuck. Jiyong, I love you so much._

 

[07:38]

 

_They won’t let me see you, which I know is because I am no relative and all that, but still...I just need to see your face, Jiyongie. I just need to see you._

 

[09:34]

 

_They sent me home, saying I should get some rest and Dami as well since you are resting and they pumped so many painkillers in you you will probably be asleep for the rest of the day, but now I am just pacing around and not sleeping at all. Fuck, this is driving me mad._

 

[10:39]

 

_I don’t think you will read all this here…I know you won’t, but I just, I need to talk to you so bad._

 

[16:34]

 

_I just went to see you again and you are awake now and your dad told me you don’t want to see anyone, but it’s just me you don’t want to see – isn’t it? It’s okay, though. I fucked up. I fucked up big time and I will accept any punishment you see fit, I don’t deserve anything else and no this is not me pitying myself or whatever – I’m just so fucking relieved you’re save._

 

Jiyong was a sobbing mess by now. Fuck. This hurt so bad and made him feel like shit more than anything he could remember. This felt worse than any scandal he had lived through – why didn’t he just answer his phone? Fresh tears were falling once again as he read the rest of the messages – Seunghyun had sent so many and each one broke his heart even more. He just wanted to hug the older man right now and fall to his knees, apologize a thousand times and a thousand times more.

He continued to scroll down and with time the messages got less heart-breaking, but completely sweet. While the first messages all had been about Seunghyun apologizing and wanting to make things good again, after some time the older one had started to send Jiyong random things – how his day went or if he saw something that reminded him of the younger

one.

 

[19:37]

 

_I was just cleaning up a bit and sorting out my wardrobe, when I found a few hoodies of yours stashed underneath of mine – they are all in a pile and they still smell like you. I didn’t even realize I had them here, but they are soft and I hope this doesn’t sound creepy but I will put one over a pillow and hug it while I sleep. You just smell so good, I don’t think I have ever told you? You smell of peaches by the way…this could be a good song, huh._

 

[19:56]

 

_FYI you are not the only one who writes tons of songs when heartbroken or sad. I think I have written more songs about your beautiful smile than I would like to admit.._

 

[19:59]

 

_Maybe I should stop sending stuff like that, you will probably hate me once you read all those…_

[08:12]

 

_..I didn’t want to spam you anymore, but I just saw a picture of a tiny sleepy hamster and I swear he looked just like you. I know this is an old running gag and all that, but god, your cheeks are so cute and when you sulk I just want to kiss you most of the time._

 

[13:18]

 

_This is pretty random, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately – do you remember that time in middle school when we were both in detention for something we didn’t do? Because I don’t remember why we were in detention anymore, just that you annoyed me for two hours straight and got me into two more hours of detention…you even had the nerve to smile and wave at me when you left._

 

[13:32]

 

_Something else I remember is when we met again in high school and you helped me with the tape for the audition and you stayed over for the first time…I was in the kitchen or something and when I came back, you were talking to Arlo in that high baby voice you have when you talk to animals and it was adorable. I quickly went back to the kitchen, because I knew that back then you would have killed me if I would have laughed at you like that – I mean, you still have that death glare of yours, but by now it’s more of a cute pout than anything else._

[23:12]

 

_Okay, I know it’s late, but I really miss you right now. I probably shouldn’t, but I am watching all your music videos again and I might also be going through some of the photo albums I have here and some of your haircuts were really, really bad, but you still look like a model. That’s unfair._

[04:02]

 

_I can’t sleep...urgh…_

 

[04:12]

 

_I miss you next to me so much you have no idea…you’re always so warm and cuddly and I love hugging and holding you._

 

[04:17]

 

_Anyway, I just…I want you to know that I will work hard to get your trust back and really earn it. I’m not expecting us to get together or anything, but I’m hopeful for us at least being able to talk again like we used to. I miss you so much. I miss your jokes, I miss your quirkiness, I miss how you can’t sit still and just need something to do – be it doodling something or painting your shoes…I miss the sound of your voice so much and the sound of your laughter._

[17:52]

 

_This was another impulsive thing I did, but I just bought something for you and the next time I see you at the label or something I will give it to you…I don’t know if you are going to like or hate it. There is also a small chance of you kicking me in the balls when I only even look into your direction, but I just…I don’t want things to just end like that between us. This is probably selfish to say, but there is still so much more I want to experience with you – I want to wake up with you in my arms, I want to go on stupid, cheese dates with you like we did in Paris, I want to cook for you – I want to make as many memories with you as I can…I just hope you will want that, too._

[14:42]

 

_I know this is probably stupid getting this happy about seeing you wear the ring, but, you are wearing the ring!! That’s a start, right? At least I hope it is…and you were so cute the other day. You were blushing so hard and you looked so good in the outfit you wore. Those pants really suit you (;_

 

It took over two hours for Jiyong to go through all the messages and by the time he was done he was overflowing with emotions – the best comparison he could think of in that moment was that he felt like fucking _Internet Explorer_ ; too many tabs open – each one is blasting another emotion, causing the whole server to crash. He probably did spend too much time on his phone, but it was oddly fitting. The tears had dried by now and even though he still felt empty and sad and in some way he also felt full and happy. He just wanted to see Seunghyun now.

 

Another quick glance at the clock on the LCD display of his phone and he realized that Seunghyun had indeed written him – letting him know that he was already done for the day and that if Jiyong finished sooner he could already come over. The message had been sent around 20 minutes ago.

 

He typed in his response, _I’m on my way._

 

One second Seunghyun is shuffling around at his place with a good book in one hand and a wine glass in the other, the next he has an arm full of Jiyong who just bursted through the front door and is now clinging onto him like a love-starved koala baby. He nearly spills his wine, but that’s only a minor inconvenience when he feels the way Jiyong’s arms tighten around his body and the way he smells of fresh air and peaches and then he’s throwing the book in his hand on the couch and hugs his boyfriend back.

 

“Are you going to greet me like this every time you see me again from now on? I have to say, I could get used to it.”, his tone is light and he has to chuckle at that thought – cute, clingy Jiyong, throwing himself at him at every possibility, but when he doesn’t get an answer from the younger one, he throws and – with a little bit of effort – places the wine glass on the coffee table.

 

“Jiyong, everything okay?” there is a muffled answer, but Seunghyun can’t decipher the meaning of it at all and he has to chuckle again when he suddenly has the image of a hamster that stuffed his cheeks with crackers in his head. “Come on, I can’t understand what you are saying. Stop worrying me and talk to me.”

 

Jiyong slowly lets go of his fierce grip around Seunghyun’s waist and the smile that graced his features slips – his boyfriend is looking at him with big eyes, they are a bit red and glassy; he looks just like back then when he heard that YG liked Seunghyun and his rap, but was still denied because of his weight – happy and sad. His frown deepened and he placed on hand on his cheek, caressing the soft skin underneath his eye with his thumb.

 

“What’s wrong? Come on, talk to me.”

 

“It’s just..”, Jiyong sighed, “I read the messages you sent me. The ones you sent me while I had you blocked. I only now realized I still had you blocked and I read them all.”

 

Tears started to collect in his eyes, but that didn’t stop him from speaking. “It took me over two hours to read and by the time I was done I was crying like a baby – I shouldn’t have blocked you, I should have listened to what you have to say – I am so sorry. You were so fucking worried about me and I was being an insensitive asshole that just wanted to hurt you and all the things you wrote me – you constantly thought about me, while I tried to forget you and erase you from my life. I was so fucking stupid for trying that and you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me in these past few weeks – giving me presents, writing songs for me and what did I do? Nothing.”

 

“Jiyong, no – “, he shook his head in irritation, trying to find the best words. “The whole situation was a mess, I hurt you, you were hurt and in hospital and dealing with a lot of pressure. Miscommunication fucked us over big time, but that’s in the past – okay? We talked about this yesterday and we apologized for it. There is no reason for you to beat yourself up about this again. I know, all these messages probably brought all of this up again, but believe me when I say that you should not feel guilty for that. I was an asshole, I hurt you, I got what I deserved for it.” He pushed away a tear that rolled down Jiyong’s face and smiled at him.

 

“The past can hurt – but from the way I see it we can either run from it or learn from it.”

Jiyong had been about to say something, to talk back, probably saying something that would make him feel bad about the way he reacted to Seunghyun again, when suddenly his whole face lit up and he started to giggle.

 

“Did you just-“, another bubbling laugh, “-did you just quote _Lion King_ on me?”

 

“Yes I did and it made you laugh so I guess it worked?” he placed a chaste, but meaningful kiss on Jiyong’s lips and brushed a hair strand out of his face. “How about we take this as a fresh start?”

 

“A fresh start?”

 

Seunghyun smirked, took a step back and cleared his throat, mimicking a serious mask as he extended his hand. “Hello, my name is Choi Seunghyun. I’m thirty, but sometimes still act like a five year old kid. I love rap, but also have a thing for Nine Inch Nails and classical music. My favourite food is sushi, but I would die for ice cream and sweets in general – oh and I am madly in love with a man called Kwon Jiyong. Nice to meet you.”

The smile that spread across Jiyong’s face was the same as when he held Iye in his arms the very first time – soft, warm and near tears. He cleared his throat and took Seunghyun’s hand.

 

“My name is Kwon Jiyong. I’m twenty-nine and even though I work hard I can be kind of a childish idiot sometimes. I love rap music, too, but if they play Britney Spears I won’t hesitate to sing loud and proud – my favourite food is everything with intestines, which my boyfriend hates, but I will still drag him to go out and eat it with me, because I am madly in love with him, too and my favourite sweets are his kisses.”

 

“Sounds like a wet dream to me to be honest.”, Jiyong laughed again – one hand swatting Seunghyun’s shoulder playfully, the other one hovering over his mouth with the back of his hand pressed against his lips. Seunghyun carefully took his hand in his own and pushed it down, wanting to see Jiyong’s bright smile.

 

“I really love your smile, do you know that? You’re so cute like that and your cheeks make you look even more adorable than you already are.”

 

“Oh shut up.” His eyes shone bright as he put his hands behind Seunghyun’s neck and pulled him down roughly to press a hungry kiss on his lips. Seunghyun didn’t hesitate and kissed him back with equal enthusiasm – his hands sliding up and down at his sides, grabbing his ass through the thin denim of his jeans, before Jiyong let go of Seunghyun again buried his neck in his shoulder.

 

“I want to take you out.”

 

“Like, on a date or with a sniper?”

 

Jiyong giggled.

 

“Sometimes both, but right now on a date – will you let me?”, he looked up at Seunghyun with those cute puppy eyes Seunghyun just couldn’t deny.

 

“I’d let you do everything you want with me.”

 

Jiyong’s eyes lightened up.

 

“Perfect, then get dressed.”

 

 

 

Twenty-five minutes they were driving through the quiet streets of Seoul at night – it was Sunday after all and most people had to work the next day so the streets were more or less empty at this time, which was perfect for what Jiyong had in mind. That, and the fact that his parent’s pension was closed this and next week. It might not be the most sophisticated date he had ever planned, but this felt good and comfortable and in some way familiar. He couldn’t stop smiling, especially not when Seunghyun continued to ask him where they were going and when they would arrive at their destination. It was cute how much of a kid the older man still was at heart and it made Jiyong melt every time.  

 

They were driving through an all too familiar district – it was close to where the old YG training rooms had been and where they had spent all their free time. Jiyong had to smile at those memories and when he lensed over Seunghyun, he saw the same smile on his lips.

 

“Remember when we were going home from dance practice, back to the dorms, and you were too tired to walk so I had to carry you?”, Seunghyun pointed at the sidewalk right next to them as Jiyong slowed down the car.

 

“You mean that time where I nearly dislocated my shoulder and you had to carry me on my back?“, he playfully wiggled his eyebrows at his boyfriend, “Did you even realize that I got an hard-on when you carried me like that? I still remember how freaked out I was and I prayed so hard that you wouldn’t notice, but you smelled so good and were so nice and sweet to me and I was a horny teenager.“

 

“You are still a horny teenager, at least mentally wise - but no, I didn‘t. I would have probably dragged you off to some dark alley and had my way with you. That time was shortly after I first started to wonder about what it would be like to kiss you.“

 

“I hope I am meeting your expectations.“

 

“Oh, you are. Definitely.“

 

Jiyong finally stopped the car, told Seunghyun to wait for a moment, and hopped out. He pulled the hood of his jacket over his head and down his face, alongside with a face mask so people wouldn‘t recognize him immediately. With quick steps he walked up to the small and beaten up food joint that had been there for so long, Jiyong couldn’t remember a time it hadn’t been around. The lady working there had always been so sweet to the both of them, giving Seunghyun and extra serving after she heard that he had to starve himself in order to get into YG. Jiyong was still thankful for that small gesture - it wasn‘t much she did, but it had meant the world to Jiyong and it still did. He stopped in front of the window until the lady - Mrs. Kim - finally appeared and Jiyong could tell that she recognized him immediately. Her eyes widened slightly before they turned soft and a warm smile spread across her lips. Her hair was turning gray already.

 

“It‘s been a while since I have last seen you here.“

 

“It has, but I am sure you still make the best kimchi in all of South Korea.“

 

Her smile widened. “Same as usual?“

 

“Yes, and Seunghyun‘s, too. He is waiting in the car and I want to surprise him. You know how much he always loved your food. - oh, and two big bottles of Soju, please!“

 

“Ah, you two are still together then? It is good to see - young love growing up together. You two just belong together I can tell.“

 

He wanted to deny what she was implying - at least that was what he should have done, but the blush in his cheeks just wouldn’t disappear and all he could do was smile dumbly at the old lady who laughed heartily as she saw his face. “You still have the same besotted smile on your lips whenever I mention him - that is good, keep it. I hope you two will grow old together - ever since you two first stumbled in front of my little shop, I could tell there was chemistry between you two that just was meant to be.“

 

His heart was pounding harshly in his chest and he was so thankful that they were alone right now. He smiled again. “Thank you, it really means a lot to hear that from you.“

 

Mrs.Kim smiled again while she prepared his order. It warmed Jiyong‘s heart that she still remembered how they liked their meat, the rice, kimchi extra spices for Jiyong and a bit milder for Seunghyun - she even seemed to remember that Seunghyun loved the small chocolate-orange cookies she always put into the plastic bags as a little extra, because she did not only throw one into the bag, but a handful. Bless this old lady and her heart of gold. After a minute or two, she was finally done and handed the plastic bags filled with food to Jiyong who in return paid for the food and ended up giving her more than just a little bit extra. Mrs.Kim had paid for their meals so often, when they were living in the dorms and they hadn’t had enough money to even share just one small portion of food - it was only fair that now that he had more than enough money he would give it back to her. She always told him not to, but he wouldn’t accept the change and simply run off with a big smile on his lips - and just like that, he ran up to his car with bags filled with food and a gummy smile on his lips as he ran from Mrs. Kim before she could give him the change.

 

Seunghyun looked at him with a bemused look on his face.

 

“I hope you are hungry.“, Jiyong quickly positioned the food at the backseat, making sure nothing would spill, before he let himself fall into the driver seat and took off again.

 

“Wait, is that - is that Mrs.Kim‘s cooking I‘m smelling?“, Seunghyun reached back to look through the bags, but Jiyong swatted his shoulder. “Nu-uh! We will eat when we are there - until then, get your hands away from the bags and the food.“

 

The older man sulked.

 

“But food.“

 

“Yes, I know. Now stop whining like a baby - we will be there in five minutes and then you can demolish all the food I bought for us.“

 

A few minutes later and they finally arrived at the pension - Jiyong had gotten the keys from his mother before he drove over to Seunghyun‘s place. The pension was closed for this and the following week so they would have the place to themselves, at least for the evening. The only other person at the pension was Jiyong‘s dad, because he was hell-bent on being the one who would fix the dripping water pipes in the basement and not someone else.

 

While Jiyong carried the food, he instructed Seunghyun to grab a few soft blankets and to follow him - when they were younger they had often sat down near the Han River, while they ate Mrs.Kim‘s food, but since they were famous now Jiyong didn't want to jinx it and get caught making out with his boyfriend. Which was why the pension was the perfect place to stay at - no one was around, there were no annoying neighbors and it was too far out for annoying paparazzi to just show up.

 

They sat down near the water - the weather had cooled down a bit, but the night was clear and you could even see some star constellations tonight. Seunghyun spread out one of the blankets so they could sit down while Jiyong placed the food on top of it along with two packets of cigarettes and Soju. The only thing that could be heard was the calming sound of the flowing water next to them.

 

“Okay, while I know that this really isn’t a five star restaurant, I still hope that you will enjoy it. Mrs. Kim was even so nice to put in some extra cookies for you - she still remembers, can you believe that?“

 

“Of course she remembers the kid that would buy like half of her food joint after each practice - I mean, I have literally no idea how you stayed so skinny back then when you basically ate your own body weight within ten minutes.“, Jiyong snickered at the memory. When they first started to seriously train as a group he started to get the worst food cravings after practice - he wouldn’t stop complaining until someone got food into him and that someone had always been Seunghyun, since the rest of the members were too scared of Jiyong when he was hungry and acting all crabby.

 

“But you are the one with the cookie obsession, not me! Why did she remember that if I was the one that ate so much!“

 

“Probably, because I was the only one who was brave enough to accompany on your mission to get food - you have no idea how scary you can be when hungry.“ Jiyong flicked the remaining piece of dumpling at Seunghyun, glared, but immediately smiled again when Seunghyun pretended to been hit and heavily wounded.

 

“I put up with your mistreatment for years and years and this is how you thank me? Throwing food at me? And I thought I was the one with the weird fetishes, but now - seems like you are into food play, aren‘t you?“, Seunghyun‘s voice was full of mirth   and his eyes crinkled adorably as he smiled so bright you could see his gorgeous dimples. Jiyong flicked another piece of dumpling at Seunghyun, but this time he was prepared for it and managed to catch it with his mouth and made a triumphant noise at the back of his throat while throwing up his arms in victory.

 

Jiyong‘s heart swelled at the sight - Seunghyun, happy and carefree and spending time with him like they used to when they were kids. It felt oddly melancholic and Jiyong suddenly felt wetness on his cheeks - he quickly whipped away the tears, but Seunghyun saw and was by his side in a second, concern on his face, but Jiyong quickly shook his head while smiling. These weren’t sad tears, but happy ones. The butterflies in his stomach quadrupled as the concern on Seunghyun‘s face washed away and got replaced with a heartfelt smile. He let his hands wander to his cheeks, staring at him, before he slowly inched closer and their lips met in a soft kiss. Seunghyun took his time with kissing Jiyong and it made Jiyong‘s heart flutter and he couldn’t help but sigh happily into the kiss. His boyfriend‘s soft lips moved against his own and he felt like he was going to heaven as Seunghyun slipped his tongue between his lips and deepened their kiss. His breathing was already picking up and he couldn’t help but press himself against Seunghyun‘s boy, pulling him closer by his neck until Seunghyun was lying on top of Jiyong with his hands under his shirt and Jiyong‘s legs wrapped around his hips. There was no hurry in their kissing though, slow strokes of tongue and teasing nibbling of teeth send waves of pleasure down Jiyong‘s spine and he felt himself growing hard in his pants and by the way Seunghyun was pressing his crotch against Jiyong‘s he could easily tell that Seunghyun was growing hard, too. But neither pushed for more - they simply continued to let their hands roam their bodies; Seunghyun‘s hands had slipped underneath Jiyong‘s loose shirt, touching his soft skin and letting his nails run over it, making Jiyong‘s breath hitch and Jiyong did the same - caressing the soft skin of his sides, drawing patterns that left him breathless. His hands wandered lower and lower until he pushed them underneath his pants and boxers, grabbing Seunghyun‘s butt with both of his hands and pressing him further against his body.

 

Jiyong‘s mind was a mess - he couldn’t think clearly anymore and all that mattered was Seunghyun. The way his weight pressed down on his body, his hot cock pressing against his own and the way he moved his hips - the layers of fabric between them was maddening, but the friction felt so good and he couldn’t help but moan loudly at a particularly well aimed roll of his hips and he felt Seungyhun‘s muscles tense. The air between them was getting heated and it made his head spin - he digged the heels of his feet into strong thighs and desperately started to rut against Seunghyun. His head tilted back and for the moment they broke the kiss and Jiyong let the moans slip freely from his throat and they only got louder when his boyfriend started to suck and kiss and bite along the collum of his neck. He was putty in this man‘s hands and he could feel himself getting closer

 

“Seunghyun-“, his boyfriends cheeks were flushed red, his pupils blown wide.

 

“Jiyongie-“

 

Fuck. His voice. Jiyong was weak for that voice, so full of desire and so deep it made his toes curl and that was enough to make him come in his pants - he digged his nails into Seunghyun‘s back as he reached his high and trashed from side to side, rutting against him - desperate moans leaving his lips.

 

“Shit-“, a few more quick hard thrusts and he felt Seunghyun‘s dick twitch through the denim of his pants and as Seunghyun moaned loudly against his neck, sending vibrations of pleasure through his body, he felt as if he was the happiest man on earth.

 

They both panted harshly as they tried to calm down from their orgasms and Jiyong couldn’t but smile dumbly at his boyfriend who was now crushing him with his body, but he didn't mind at all - he loved it. He loved how Seunghyun was bigger than him, how he felt small underneath his body and he nearly whined pathetically as he rolled off of him, but chuckled as he saw that Seunghyun was reaching for a pack of smokes.

 

He quickly lightened a cigarette, gave it to Jiyong and lightened up another one, before he pulled Jiyong closer to his warm body again.

 

“Smoking a cigarette after sex is a must, huh?“

 

Jiyong closed his eyes as he inhaled the smoke and listened to Seunghyun‘s deep chuckle. “Well, it‘s your fault. Yours and those damn French movies I always have to watch because of you where they smoke after having sex.“

 

He chuckled again, cuddling up against Seunghyun‘s side, inhaling his addicting scent - it was a mixture of Seunghyun‘s scent that got Jiyong hooked for years now, smoke, as well as the faint, lingering smell of sex and sweat in the air and that was probably Jiyong‘s favourite. He took another drag of the cigarette.

 

“So, what do you think of our first date? Any complaints?“

 

“You mean beside the fact that I feel like a prepubescent teenager right now, because there is cum drying in my pants?“

 

“Yes, beside that.“ Jiyong looked up again, seeing Seunghyun stare at him while he carefully combed through his hair. “Besides that this was the most wonderful date I have ever been on. I don’t care if we go to a fancy restaurant or if we hang out at the river and eating cheap dumplings from our favourite food joint. All that matters to me is spending time with you. Oh, and getting off is a plus, too. You make the best sounds when you‘re horny.“

 

“God, you‘re terrible. You know that?“ He buried his head in his chest again, trying hard not to grin but failing miserably.

 

“You sure? From the way your eyes rolled back in your skull and by how loud you were moaning I would like to say that I am actually pretty good - don‘t you think?“

 

“Seunghyun?“

 

“Hm?“

 

“Shut up and kiss me.“

 

Seunghyun flicked his cigarette to the ground, before he turned back to Jiyong and kissing him immediately. Jiyong could feel how his lips stretched into a smile and the fact that Seunghyun was smiling like that while they were kissing, made him smile as well. He tossed his cigarette aside as well, linking his arms behind Seunghyun's head and pulled him closer. God, this date was perfect.

 

They let go of one another again - Jiyong was patting the ground, looking for one of the Soju bottles until he finally found it and held it towards Seunghyun.

 

“Fancy a drink?“

 

Seunghyun smirked.

 

Tonight was going to be a long night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all of you are doing good these days - this flower road is harder than I imagined it to be. 
> 
> Hmm, don't know what else to say. Hope you guys liked this chapter. Leave a comment if you did <3


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